It seems that most of the postings here are written by the survivors who have had lived lives with Narcists. Well, for a change, this one is written by a Narcist who has woken up from a nightmare of a life and who has made her own life such a mess and doesn't know where to even start cleaning up.
I grew up in a family without emotions. Emotions, as far as my father perceived it (and still does), is weakness. Being the first-born and the apple of my father's eyes, I grew up idolising him and sub-consciously, took on the traits I despised.
My first relationship ended with him cheating on me when I was away on vacation. I was young then, only 17, and we had been together for 2 years. When I went away for 10 days with my family, he cheated on me with his neighbour. I didn't find out about the affair until 3 months later, and all that while, we all hung out together in a group, and everybody knew.. except me. When I finally found out, I was livid, and very hurt. We tried staying together (he had stopped seeing her) but I was never able to get over my anger and I became spiteful and also very untrusting towards men.
My second relationship lasted about 6 years, during which, I met a Narcist, just like myself. It was hell. He was physically and verbally abusive and I stayed on, even though some part of me knew I should have left. To cut a long story short, I emerged from that relationship a bitter and twisted person and I took that bitterness out on the people I have since met/dated.
When I met my current beau, I was so far into the lies and make-believe that I couldn't get out of it. Everything was wonderful when we first met, I guess that was the work of the Narcist in me, and I wanted him to think that I was beautiful and charming, etc, etc, etc. We had a whirlwind romance and got engaged 2 months later. I remember thinking then, at one point, that THIS TIME, THIS TIME I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT WORK. Because he is really a decent and wonderful person. I knew, even though I was so twisted, that this time, I had something good.
But I was already deep in lies and I could not simply made what I had said before vanish. And he met some of my "friends", another group of Narcists, and how was I going to come clean and say that I had lied about some things?? So I took the easy way out. I kept silent about the lies I had told, and hoped that they would somehow go away and somehow, he and I can start afresh. Naive? Very. Selfish? YES.
Did I feel guilty then? Yes, yes I did, but with everything in my life, as long as he did not know, hey, it should be ok.
Then he found out. And typically, like what I had done with everything else in my life, I denied, I lied somemore, I got angry, I just wanted the confrontations to GO AWAY. I didn't want to face what I had done. I didn't want to admit that I had lied, I had cheated, I had hurt others to get what I wanted. I was SICK, in every sense of the word. Yet, while he was going through the torment, I didn't really feel it. I was more interested in getting away with things, in MAKING IT ALL GO AWAY. I put him through hell.
There were times when I questioned myself. WHY? WHY DID I LIE ABOUT THINGS THAT I NEEDN'T EVEN LIE ABOUT?? WHY?
I was so deep into creating a different persona, someone who was outgoing and popular and gusty.. everything I thought I wasn't, that to have that facade blown away was more than I could take.
Since learning about my own problems and how sad a person I had let myself become, I have done a lot of thinking..
No one has a right to do what I had done and get away with it..
I know that because my fiance has reached the end of his ability to tolerate my nonsense and we are breaking up.
Am I writing this because I feel sorry for myself? No, I am not.
I just want to acknowledge that I was wrong, and sometimes, when one has been so wrong, no matter how much one wants to make things right again, one can't.
I am sitting here writing this and everything that had happened is running through my mind and I know I have no one to blame but myself. Because I had so little self-worth, I created this person whom I wanted to be, but sadly, it is only after so much destruction that I have come to realise that all I did was for nothing.
Dr Laura (
www.drlaura.com) said that one has to take responsibilities for one's own actions. We hurt and we get hurt but we must have the courage to acknowledge that no matter what has been done, all one can do is, from this moment on, live a life that is consciously-lived, and to learn from what we have done and not to make the same mistake again. She calls it "living a responsible life".
I have not lived a responsible life. Far from it, and I wish that I had the knowledge that I have now, because if I did, then I would have seen that the real "ME" is the person that my fiance loved. It is too late now because I have confused him so much that he has no idea who is me and who is the Narcist anymore.
Why am I writing this? Not because I want pity, but because I want to tell all of you who have been abused by Narcists that there are some of us who do at some point, perhaps even when it is too late, who do realise that we have been wrong and who really want to be different.
Until a few months ago, I didn't even know about Narcisicm. You may have suffered at the hands of Narcists but if they don't know they have a condition, how can they make positive changes in their lives? I know that it will be hell to try to even suggest to a Narcist that he/she has a condition, and to make him/her realise that will probably cost you more than what you have already gone through, but you recognise that someone needs help, and if you can find something inside yourself to make your partner/friend realise that, PLEASE try to do something..
