Trust/fidelity--how important is it?

[moonlight52]

Hello Adrift,

Sometimes couples kind of play chicken with this sort of thing.
        Quote from Plucky
Mr moon and I have done this but really one can not start another relationship
without completely letting go of the one that you are in.

Like Brigid says quite rightly.

Mr moon does not verbally tell me I am wonderful (except when we were with T)
ALSO HE WAS VENTING AND THEN CAME THE THINGS HE LIKES ABOUT ME.

How long have you been married?A lot of trust and intimacy comes from living though the good times and bad and being there .
I am sure you can search your heart and find your answers .
Have you thought about going to see a T ?

Blessings,

moon

[adrift]

I'm cutting and pasting the parts that really make sense, strike a chord, hit home,  trigger something inside of me, or seem to deserve contemplation. THanks guys!! Y'all ROCK!!

I think you are concerned for what you believe  may be a fault line in your character.  You say you 'need' help, but my sense is that impulsive, on the spot gratification has a strong pull on you.  And delays your having to face up to underlying character issues.  One thing  you can bank on is that you are not prepared for any half-brained, impulsive adventure into infidelity.  The kind of disregard you have for trust and fidelity probably means you are in survival mode.

I think trust and fidelity matter a lot, but they can't replace a lack of curiosity and joy between spouses.

That's because you are contempating one, and so if you judge him you are judging yourself, right?

Whatever internal processes are letting this thing fester inside of you rather than concentrate on making the best you can with the cards you've been dealt is the problem, not that your marriage isn't fulfilling. My bank account isn't fulfilling either but I don't go down to the 7-11 and tell Apu to fill a paper bag up with cash.

   

NO ONE is a winner in an affair, there are only big losers and the biggest losers, imo, are the children.  That is not a legacy you wish for them to have and believe me, they will find out sooner or later.  Children learn behavior from watching their parents and it is statistically proven that children of cheaters have a greater risk of cheating themselves.

I am not judging you, nor do I have a right to.  I just have been there and done that and know that it will solve nothing and only create chaos and misery.  Be kind to yourself and find a better way.

How long have you been married?A lot of trust and intimacy comes from living though the good times and bad and being there .

To answer the last one, almost 21 years. We've been through lots and I think H is pretty happy right now, but that could be because I'm in my actress mode and trying to convince myself that everything is fine within myself. 

Oh, and I didn't feel judged by y'all.     Thanks for all the insight and advice!

Adrift

[WRITE]

I haven't followed the whole thread but I read this a while back about open relationships: http://www.schooloftantra.com/articles/Polyamory/PolyamoryBlossoms.htm

I wouldn't judge you even if you had one- and certainly not for fantasising about one which is entirely healthy!

[gratitude28]

Hey adrift!!!
I think it is great that you shared this with us. I agree with what all of our super-insightful colleagues had to say...
And... I also wanted to add that it's nice that you and your husband are open enough that you can discuss these issues. That shows a lot of trust. Maybe you could turn up the sexiness a notch by sharing the little fantasies with each other???
I guess now that I am older, I just am happy that I have someone I have loved for a long time, and who really loves me. I would hate to add something to our relationship that would take that away.
Of course, I have been having the smuttiest dreams imaginable about old boyfriends and various neighbors since he has been gone over two months now... But, honestly, although I enjoy the ideas, I would never like to make them into a reality.
Thanks for sharing!!!!Love, Beth

[pennyplant]

I am a huge fan of Henri J. M. Nouwen a Catholic priest, a writer who also, taught at several theological institutes and universities. I especially love his tiny little book titled, The Inner Voice of Love.  A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.  It was written when he was in his early fifties.

Dear Teartracks,

I picked up this book on Amazon.com and received it in the mail today.  Have read the first six or so essays.  I can tell this book will make a big difference for me.  It has given me ideas for concrete exercises I can do for myself.  When I read this in the introduction, I knew this was the right book for me:

"Among my many friends, one had been able to touch me in a way I had never been touched before.  Our friendship encouraged me to allow myself to be loved and cared for with greater trust and confidence.  It was a totally new experience for me, and it brought immense joy and peace....."  The interruption of this friendship triggered his coming face to face with his own nothingness.  Well, you already know this, but anyway, that is the common thread for me.

Thank you for mentioning this book here.  I really think it will be very helpful to me.  Maybe others here will be helped similarly.

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

That little book is amazing.  I think he tapped into something, love, God, and let it flow.

Pennyplant