I read this link entirely through and yes it's true, even about N mentors, leaders, friends...I am going to share about Jodi (online/in person mentor) again and I pray that it's helpful to someone or raises some questions at least, so we all can learn together:
Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.
WOW HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD! Jodi always comes to her victims with the guise of "I am soooooo sorry she did that to you. I really have always loved you and I want to help you."
She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.
Ok Jodi used an interesting TWIST on this one. She did not tell me I'm inadequate; rather, that I was soooooooo valuable to God and to her. She had me teach her to play keyboard online and on the phone, told me to come to her church and preach and lead worship....yet, when she and her husband and I sat and watched the recording of my preaching, singing, the comments were "oh girl, I just wanted to knock that paper out of your hand and tell you to PREACH, NOT READ OFF THE PAPER!" "were you NERVOUS while you were singing, cause you sounded TERRIBLE...that is the WORST I EVER HEARD YOU SOUND!" Next, I commented on how slow I moved and she said "we told you you were mentally slow Laura and everyone sees it!" What they said here about her planning things so nobody believed me...YEP, truth. She was very cunning to be sure her mother who was at the church with us, only saw Jodi going along with me singing and being so proud of me in public...yet behind closed doors, Jodi's mother (my spiritual mom at the time), never was any the wiser of how things were behind closed doors.
Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you’re no good without saying a word.
She was a master at this one! I was compared not only to her other foster daughter and daughter, but mostly to every person she ever did NOT LIKE. She'd say "you remind me of ___________." Sometimes she would degrade me by telling me, " Tanya was always one step ahead when she was my assistant. She always knew exactly what I wanted, without me ever having to ask her!"
She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done.
I was warned the day I first visited Jodi and Tim, "we are a ministry family and anything you see or hear here, stays in these walls, got it?" I was later told by her, "If you go online and tell anyone about anything you went through here, I'm telling you, it will be really BAD!" When I questioned her and asked "look, we found we didn't get along...so what? why would you even THINK I'd go and tell people online about this? ANd why do you threaten me? That is not very Christlike" She responded with, "I'm not saying if it is or isn't Christlike...I just KNOW me...so just remember what I'm saying...it WON'T be good!"
she will seem like a completely different person in public.
Nahhhhhhh, she was the same cold, aloof person in public as in private, actually.
She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”)
After all the mistreatment happened, when she was talking to some mutual friends, she told them "I feel so sorry for poor Laura...she is really mentally slow so I pity her. I tried to help her, but it just didn't work out." She even got together with my former mentor in an online room, so they could "compare notes" as to how I behaved when with each of them...of course they both noticed some of my same behaviors, therefore what Jodi observed HAD to be true about me.
As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them (“I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!).
Oh yes, definitely! "Jodi loves you so much...she still talks about you and how she cares."
2. She violates your boundaries.
Jodi violated her own boundaries, cause she refused to set any. Her foster child moved out of the house, blaming me for taking up all of her mother's time. WHen I requested for Jodi to let me know if she needed to get offline or the phone and spend time with her child, Jodi told me "I never set boundaries with ANYONE before and I see no need to now!" yet, later Jodi and Tim blamed me for their daughter leaving, both online and when I went to visit, to my face. Tim also said I was to blame for their marriage failing and also their ministry being put on hold. I DID NOTHING OF THE KIND! I MERELY EXISTED IN JODI'S LIFE AS HER MENTOREE and as her N supply source till something better came along.
You feel like an extension of her.
After a while I felt like a clone of her, sounded like her, dressed like her, and still even use a verbal expression she uses.
Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you.
More like my DIGNITY, than my property! WHen we had a fight before her mother got there, Jodi was angry till her mother walked in the door and then, in front of her mother, she would ask questions about the very thing we had been fighting over, as if to get her mother on her side in front of me. It felt WEIRD, like "is she REALLY ASKING HER MOTHER ABOUT THIS IN FRONT OF ME? THIS WAS PRIVATE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US!!!"
You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there.
YEP!!! She would talk to her husband saying "Ted, she is just jealous and wants a man like you. her husband is so mean to her."
She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs (“
She sure did. She and Ted both. They watched how often I showered, if my hair looked "done", how much I ate...later saying I "doubled their budget and it's no wonder I'm so FAT with how I eat!" Mind you, I was told to "make myself at home and help myself to any food I wanted." I was later accused of eating an entire basket of candy bars MYSELF, when I SAW JODI eating them day after day. MInd you, she and her husband put me on a diet while I was there, so I was allowed only 1 meal a day and 1 candy bar. when I said her children might have eaten some, she said 'oh don't even go there, Laura! Leave my children OUT of this!"
She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought.
Of course there was a LOT of digging into my feelings, so they could later be thrown up in my face. years ago I was accused of being a stalker by someone I was obsessed with due to some psychological problems. I made the mistake of telling Jodi about this and later on she said to me "I know you are trying to attach to me and stalk me, cause like you told me,you "know how to pick your prey!" It was soooooooooooo hurtful to have my past thrown up in my face, but when I told her "that was private info I shared with you to be vulnerable about my people-addiction problem in the past, how could you use it against me?" her reply, "oh hon, I'm not against you. did you NOT say that? I mean LOOK AT THE SIMILARITIES HERE, Laura." N's cause you to dOUBT YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN REALITY EVEN AFTER YOU ARE DOING WELL!
Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted.
Yes, I was told "you aren't ready to be a minister, Laura. you have no heart for people and no compassion. You don't STICK WITH PEOPLE." Actually, Jodi was the one who would befriend people, try to help them and then ditch them because they were too clingy, whiney, draining. That was a classic PROJECTION and I remember saying to her, "no I don't do that. that is YOU !"
3. She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat.
She did this with her son and daughter. Her son was "Mommy's little man." Her daughter, by her first marriage was a "whiney cry baby"
Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn’t come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it’s no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn’t as much as you could have done or as you think it is.
Yep, saw this at the church! People she considered beneath her dignity, came up to me after I spoke and wanted my email address and to talk to me. Jodi was TICKED OFF!
She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you’ve done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it.
Yeah she did. I told her about my foster mom liking a cartoon character and decorating her room with it, and she had to put her down as immature and the "one who made you like YOU are"
5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you’re never right.
YEP, ALWAYS took the other person's side!
As always, this combines criticism with deniability.
Well in part of this, no she didn't criticize me as being impossible to love...rather, she would say, when I said "Thank you for loving me, " She'd say "what's NOT to love?" She definitely had some issue with the WAY she said things and when.
She will slip little comments into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too, but didn’t like as much. She’ll let you know that her relationship with some other person you both know is wonderful in a way your relationship with her isn’t - the carefully unspoken message being that you don’t matter much to her.
yep she did this too. She would tell me, after she dumped me and then picked up with my friend she supposedly helped me heal from rejection by, "WE get along so well, our families are best buddies." (she KNEW my heart was that her family and mine be able to bond together) After me, she then did this to that same lady with another new friend, whom she is with even now and whom I talk to actually.
She minimizes, discounts or ignores your opinions and experiences. Your insights are met with condescension, denials and accusations (“I think you read too much!”) and she will brush off your information even on subjects on which you are an acknowledged expert.
Well, no she really did NOT appreciate my knowledge about narcissism and personality disorders; could have something to do with that I told her I forgave her cause I realized she was raised in an N house and became one herself.
6. She makes you look crazy.
Heck yeah...all the time, every chance she got. She would TELL me I was nuts but that she meant that in a GOOD way!
Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn’t do anything. She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. You’ve hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.
YEP BINGO, EXACTLY...she did that after we split. "All I ever wanted to do was help her. I tried everything but she just keeps on lashing out at me and telling people all kinds of bad stuff against me. I just don't get it. What did I ever do to her?" BS
She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.
Oh yes...Jodi could NEVER be blamed for anything...after all she DID say she was sorry, though she forgot to say about WHAT, conveniently. hmmmm
TO BE CONTINUED (provided ya'll want to hear more about this)
