Hi Everyone – I’m really grateful to have found this board. This is my first time posting. Apologies in advance for the length.
It was just two months ago that I realized my dad is an N. It was the most jaw-dropping experience of my life when I discovered exactly what he was and I couldn’t stop reading everything I could find online. Finally, I was slowly able to figure out what was wrong with our family. I always thought that if I was successful enough as an adult and took care of them financially, that I’d finally get the love and respect I deserved. I know it sounds so stupid now, but that’s what I believed all these years. They’ve always struggled financially because of their own horrible financial habits and now that I’m doing well as of recent, there’s a huge expectation for me to “save them”. Thankfully, I haven’t.
On top of my father being an N, he’s also a long time alcoholic and a gambler when he can get away with it. He was “functional” for most of my childhood – that is, he was able to hold down a job despite the booze – but was verbally and physically abusive, not to mention very controlling of my mom and myself. His alcoholism took over his ability to work when he hit his early 60s, with the worst incident occurring the day before Christmas Eve when he was fired for drinking on the job. He of course denied it and claimed it was a setup by management. Like many Ns, he loves to tell BS stories about his so-called glory days, has a habit of destroying family photos and personal mementos not belonging to him and constantly projects onto me, saying that I’ve had affairs, that I have a drinking problem, that I can’t hold down a job and that I’m abusive to my husband. Nice guy eh?
While my dad’s an N, I can’t quite figure out my mother, in the sense that I don’t know if she’s an introverted N, an enabler, etc. – or if her behaviour is a coping tactic as a result of being with my dad for so long. I’m hoping for some insight from you guys. She’s 51 and 20 years younger than my dad and has been with him ever since she was 18 – using the relationship to escape from a dysfunctional home life. Her mother is also an N and a master manipulator.
My mother’s behaviour has changed from that of a classic battered wife to what she’s now become, over the last 5-6 years. There has definitely been a power shift between her and my dad – especially since she finally threw him out a year ago. My father is now tolerable and compliant to a degree, since not living at home means he’s not getting the N supply that he needs. He does their laundry (I have an 18 year old sister still at home), brings groceries and gifts – anything to remain of value to them. Mom likes being in this new power position, but despite that, I think there must be a reason she’s keeping him around. Guilt, punishment or otherwise, I can’t figure it out. But the rest of her behaviour below – well, that’s been a constant.
My mother’s very needy and always has to be the centre of attention – her tactic is the “poor me/martyr” – and she’ll either exaggerate or outright lie to anyone to show how horrible things are for her, even if it’s at my expense. I’ll never forget when I was 14 I caught her telling my aunt that I was a wild teenager, and she found condoms in my schoolbag, and oh lord, how can she control me? When I confronted her about her horrible lie (I wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless it was for school), she had a look of surprise and guilt and immediately said, “I never said it” and kept repeating that over and over. In the lies I’ve called her out on since then, it’s the same damn response.
She’s also very indifferent to my time and schedule. If we’re scheduled to meet, then it’s not uncommon for her to be hugely late – and she’s got every reason in the book as to why it’s not her fault (dad on the other hand is never late – he leaves if he’s kept waiting longer than 5 minutes).
She’s also has serious jealousy issues, etc.
On the flip side, my mom has a generous streak, and every so often a “real mom” will emerge with words of wisdom, kindness and friendship. I’d like to think it’s not an act, but I just don’t know anymore. She loves my husband to bits and has never said an ill word about him to anyone. When she comes over to visit the two of us, it’s a really great visit, and we have a good time.
Am I in denial? Is this woman a narcissist too? Or is she just really damaged from being with one?
Thanks for reading guys,
Lily
