Author Topic: Overcoming Shame  (Read 4610 times)

Gaining Strength

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Overcoming Shame
« on: September 16, 2006, 06:26:19 PM »
I found this information and thought someone besides me might find it useful:

http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticle.asp?AuthorID=8771&id=7085

Overcoming Toxic Shame
By Tova Gabrielle   


Toxic shame tells us "we're going to fail to reach our goals in life". It begets more shame, causing "paralysis, faltering energy, escapism, withdrawal, including people-pleasing and hiding behind a mask, perfectionism, criticism, and rage."

Shaming begun in early childhood causes a sense of emotional starvation and neediness which demands to be fed. It inappropriately and greedily, gorges on stolen attention. Healthy shame allows recovering people to focus on age appropriate tasks. These tasks, including working and relating in new ways can replace a pervading sense of failure that is the hallmark of the shame-based addict.
 
The sense of failure cannot be eliminated until it is seen in a broader perspective: namely, that the shame results from no less than "soul murder" by the dominant culture in which the person was unable to thrive: To thrive, is the privilege of those who have not been ravaged by shame as a result of prejudice, abuse and abandonment, which, in its wake, condemns of the self as foul, by its being viewed and hence internalized, as immoral, impulsive, and selfish beyond forgiveness.

Before shame-based people can develop new identities, they must disentangle their identities from the strangulation of toxic shaming and the affects of what Kaufman, calls "a sickness of the soul".

Ongoing Recovery Work:

1) Meaning-Making/Re-framing
Toxic shame and it's imposed displacement, affects not only people in recovery from addictions, but those whose brain chemistry has a different rhythm and pattern than others who meet the cultural norms. i.e. artistic and intuitive types. Modern western civilization favors the left brain (logic) over the right (imaginal, intuitive and artistic nature).

2) Awareness, Imagery, Creativity and Re-Scripting
In putting a stop to the devastating effects of toxic shaming it is necessary to educate the addictive systems about the causes and effects of it. The recovering person must also develop awareness of when she is feeling shamed and to consciously interrupt her negative thought patterns with new positive ones.  Over time this will cause a positive change.

We take with us, from shameful or traumatic scenes, "snapshots" that effect how we relate to future situations--situations that unconsciously bring back the experience of being shamed. We can however, rework our internal movies and change the scripts through self-hypnosis, meditation, or with a therapist who is familiar with imagery work. In reworking shame scenes, the neuro-pathways in the brain become re-aligned, and more positive currents and chemistry can actually begin to flow.

Imagery is much different from fantasy. It is less arbitrary and more reality-based, and it occurs spontaneously, like a dream that exposes underlying feelings.. It is congruent with Buddhist teachings: to observe sensations and thoughts, and in so doing heightens awareness necessary for change. Changing the imagery of "movies in the mind" that get triggered automatically/unconsciously, is of primary importance: images are primal and pre-verbal.

3) Ego repair
Develop creative expression, meaningful or positive work habits, personal supports, and ego psychotherapies. Track and replace negative internal dialogue: what we tell ourselves under stress.

4) Kinesthetic/Spiritual Repair
…practicing loving kindness towards oneself
and others through actions, meditations, and
contemplation

5) Name and Return Shame

Recognize that at certain times what you feel is toxic shame and name it as such. Understand that you inherited toxic shame from others who "dumped" their own shame onto you. Next, mentally refuse to carry that load any longer (i.e. imagine giving the shame back, as in handing back an unopened box to the person who shamed you).

6) Understand the abuser
Consider how the shaming person had also been shamed.

7) Repetition
Reminders/affirmations from self and others that you are neither mad nor bad.

8) Avoid Negatives/Triggers/ Build Supports
When the ego is still fragile, it is necessary to avoid or to leave behind triggers, including people who have a shaming affect; replacing them with not only internally accepting scripts/imagery, but recovery groups and new acquaintances, work settings, places to go, and friends.

9) Strengthen Internal Boundaries
Build boundaries against shaming messages that can arise from the addictive system as one gets better and thus threatens that shaming system.

10) Practice and Build Frustration Tolerance
Shame-based people tend to be outwardly focused on finding a "quick fix", because they have been taught to mistrust and fear what is inside themselves. Build awareness of when one’s frustration tolerance is low and practice tolerance. This can enormously strengthen the ego.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2006, 12:32:55 AM by Gaining Strength »

WRITE

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2006, 10:24:27 AM »
When the ego is still fragile, it is necessary to avoid or to leave behind triggers, including people who have a shaming affect; replacing them with not only internally accepting scripts/imagery, but recovery groups and new acquaintances, work settings, places to go, and friends

do you know I have talked about my family before doing this subtle sabotage things, but this week I sent my sister ( who I have a pretty good relationship with on other levels now ) two flyers I am writing for training. Bearing in mind she is a nurse specialist who does a lot of training and writing flyers herself! She didn't comment. She did reply but sidestepped that.

It is so subtle if it wasn't a pattern I don't think I'd notice, but she's sniffy every time I move on with something. I am always so pleased and encouraging with her too!

She told me a few days ago my ex and I have done our separation all wrong, no wonder I get sick; I didn't point out that I have more communication with my ex than she does with her husband...or that being sick has been a springing board for so much for me. She seems to ignore all the things I have been doing, maybe because she seems to do less and less for some reason, which she says she's happy with. She's really talented and beautiful, she has nothing to be jealous of in me.

Oh well, I do love her but I guess I am never going to get approval there and I need to stop seeking it.

Gaining Strength

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2006, 12:12:32 AM »
WRITE
Quote
It is so subtle if it wasn't a pattern I don't think I'd notice,
This subtle, non-verbal stuff is where the real poison is for me.  I find that I can not confront it.  It is ALWAYS denied.

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failure that is the hallmark of the shame-based addict
Is it possible that she is projecting her own sense of failure or her own shame onto you?  I have come to recognize that in my FOO.  It is extremely painful but it also explains so much for me.

teartracks
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Do you think that a person's soul can be anihilated, killed, destroyed by an abuser?
I don't know. I think mine was "strangled" or "sickened" rather than murdered.  I have seen some important, good parts of me, that I did not realize existed for so long, have simply been unavailable because they were strangled by the shame.  The parts of me that acted out of the shame, I don't believe were really me at all.  I am still trying to gain access to what I think is the true me but the shame-me still is suppressing her, the shames grip is clearly weakening.  The concept of soul-murder as an analogy is helpful.  But your question ratchets that up a notch and I don't know the answer.

I'm thinking as I write.  When I look at what happened to my NPD father - I wonder if perhaps his soul was murdered by his parents.  He does truly seem impotent to access the good part of his soul.  NPD is so incidious because there is no way out.  Wouldn't that be the death of a soul?  That is a very difficult question you ask.  What do you think?

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Name and Return Shame:  This makes so much sense.  I'll be walking through this exercise very soon.
I really like this.  I like the gentleness of wrapping the box and handing it back.  I have actually come to this on my own and I find it very helpful.  I did not find railing against those shamers, (even in my thoughts) to be helpful.  I love just handing the shame back and gently shaking my head and saying, "sorry, I cannot take this from you.  It is yours.  You must work through it yourself."

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Gaining Strength, thank you for all you do for us.  Thank you for sharing your heart.  You have a G O O D  H E A R T!
teartracks - thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Your words do more for me than I can describe.  They make me feel human again.  They give me hope that I will find a place in this world where I belong.  I guess I have.  I feel like I belong here.  It is an indescribable feeling after having experienced so much rejection over the past several years.  thank you - Gaining Strength

Certain Hope

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2006, 09:31:40 AM »
Gaining Strength,

  I don't know about soul murder, but there does seem to be an "invasion of the body snatchers"  effect when shame replaces a healthy sense of self. I've seen that this toxic shame effects people differently and is just as much responsible for the driven form of obsessive perfectionism exhibited by my mother, for instance, as it is for the utter lack of motivation and desire I've experienced in myself at times when I couldn't imagine taking another single step. Maybe it's more like a soul coma or, in my own situation, what I am beginning to see as the soul having been buried alive and then spending the next 40 years clawing handfuls of dirt to reach the surface.

   I think that some people simply stop clawing at the dirt and settle in snugly with their shame. Deceived, they think they've found ways to make it work for them, by spreading it around freely to everyone who crosses their path. This is what I see in those for whom no one is ever acceptable simply as they are, but must always learn more, do more, be more, in order to reach some undefined goal which will then make them (theoretically) worthy. Shame, once brewed and stewed, produces a root of bitterness and unforgiveness which consume the soul. This unforgiveness is, I think, at the same time the ultimate embrace of shame and the ultimate prideful act.
It is the true and final murderer of the soul, because its denial of humanity in self and others is so thorough and so final, it puts the rest of the human race forever off limits as too shame-filled, too dangerous, and ultimately unredeemable. Shame absolutely cannot bear the presence of life and hope which forgiveness makes possible.

  Thanks for this post.

Love,
Hope

Gaining Strength

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2006, 01:53:52 PM »
Certain Hope

Quote
Shame, once brewed and stewed, produces a root of bitterness and unforgiveness which consume the soul. This unforgiveness is, I think, at the same time the ultimate embrace of shame and the ultimate prideful act.
It is the true and final murderer of the soul, because its denial of humanity in self and others is so thorough and so final, it puts the rest of the human race forever off limits as too shame-filled, too dangerous, and ultimately unredeemable. Shame absolutely cannot bear the presence of life and hope which forgiveness makes possible.

This is one of the most powerful descriptions of shame that I have ever read.  I find it particularly poignant now in my life as my mother's sister, whom I wrote about under Strange Behavior - Could she be an N?, is dieing.  She has never married and is leaving all of her money and property to charity.  Most of her money was left to her via a trust by her father.  Her caregiver told my mother that she tried to convince my aunt to give something to her family but that my aunt's reply was, "Why should I? They have never done anything for me?"

That reaction is so painful to me.  It is absolutely not true that I or we have not done anything for her.I have at times made significant sacrifice to do things for her.  It is true that we haven't doen everything for her but had I, I would have been eaten alive.  I find it painful, because as my aunt dies she could chose to help me fund my son's education, he could give us her car as mine is barely chugging along.  Her entire trust was given from my grandfather and were he still living he would have gladly passed it along to help other descendents out.  No question but that it is hers to do with as she pleases.  But it is painful for two clear reasons: it resurrects in me the abandonment in my family, the unworthiness and it foreshadows what I expect to happen when my father dies.

While there are many ways to view the issue of inheritance, I am posting simply to describe my feelings and not so much to open the topic of whether my reaction to my aunt's giving or lack thereof has any merit.  But Certain Hope your post helps me put into perspective this "unforgiveness" from my aunt and my father.  Nothing that I could have done would have ingratiated me to either one and I have tried - not so as to be listed in their will but so as to be listed in their hearts and that is what is so devastatingly painful.  That is also the very thing that has kept and continues to keep me at bay, keeps me from running to engage with them, to be at their side, at their beckon, in relationship.  Because there is no relationship.  That Borderline Personality trait of wanting someone present so that the borderline can rail at them is the thing that lead to the metaphorical soul murder.  With both of these people it has been - "Be present!  I am going to rail at you.  If you leave it will prove what self-seeking scum you are." 

Thank you Certain Hope, for putting this shame in terms of unforgivenness.  It will help me deal with my own experience at this time.

Your friend - Gaining Strength

Certain Hope

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2006, 03:49:52 PM »
Dear Gaining Strength,

  This is completely understood:  I am posting simply to describe my feelings and not so much to open the topic of whether my reaction to my aunt's giving or lack thereof has any merit.

   I'd like to follow suit. My mother's sister did pass away and leave me an inheritance, despite the fact that I'd distanced myself considerably from her through the last years of her life, due to what I now recognize as her borderline pd traits. The money my aunt left me came at a time when I was in quite desperate straits, along with a considerable load of guilt and shame attached to my own refusal to engage her on many occasions when she attempted to draw me closer. I have not yet completely made peace with this situation but am more and more leaning toward accepting the outcome as a gift from God and leaving it at that. On the other hand, I'm finding that I have a great deal more patience with others who demonstrate characteristics similar to my aunt's. This is not to the point of removing all suitable boundaries and becoming their victim, no. But I no longer feel pushed to the brink by folks who exhibit behaviors that used to nearly drive me to the brink with my aunt. I wish I had known then what I know now, but I didn't. By God's grace, I hope to continue to learn ... not for the sake of protecting myself from others, but in order to help those who are willing to receive and release those who will not.

   Thank you for sharing this here, GS. It's helped me to release a bit more of what has occasionally haunted me as I've dealt with a couple friends and another relative who all bear great resemblance to my "borderline" late aunt.

With love,
Hope
 

Gaining Strength

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2006, 01:22:05 PM »
WOW!  I cannot believe the power of the gift of finding someone who has had an experience so similar!  This is really unbelievable!  It opens my heart in a way  THAT I CANNOT DESCRIBE.  How is it that those closest in blood to me have not understood? (rhetorical)  How is is that they who are experiencing the same thing at the same time with the same relative cannot understand? 

I don't know!  But it no longer matters.  Your words release me from my abject loneliness, aloneness.  They really do give me hope and solace.  Thank you.

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I'm finding that I have a great deal more patience with others who demonstrate characteristics similar to my aunt's. This is not to the point of removing all suitable boundaries and becoming their victim, no. But I no longer feel pushed to the brink by folks who exhibit behaviors that used to nearly drive me to the brink with my aunt.
That is the true sign of healing.  I do see that my extreme reaction has to do with a confusion for me between "acknowlledgement = existence."  Without her acknowledgement of the care I have given her, the concern and love I have had for her, of my difficult financial situation, of my struggle - then I don't matter.  She doesn't care and that gets translated in me as "therefore I don't matter."  That is so painful.  It echos the annihilating messages from my father and so it is strengthened.  I see this and see that I can reclaim some power by disassociating "acknowlegement" and "existence."  They are not the same and neither she nor my father can destroy my value because they are so deeply shamed and unforgiving.  When I am able to reclaim this power then I will be able to "have a great deal more patience with others who demonstrate characteristics similar to my aunt's."  You have already done some important healing to get where you are.  I am so glad for you.  I'll hold you as a model in this regard.  Thank you.

Certain Hope

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2006, 10:57:53 PM »
((((((((Gaining Strength))))))))  Thank you, too. You started it, after all  :)  Half the time I don't know what's in me till someone like you brings it out. I'm learning through you and with you. And re: my aunt... I didn't know when I was in the midst of it... any of this.
What makes this all register with me is the fact that I don't believe in coincidence. I figure that when I continue to encounter a mountain and it looks so much like the last mountain... gee, maybe it's the same mountain and I've been going around in circles.
Well, this is one mountain I don't care to take another lap around. It's funny, stubborness has helped me to be a survivor, but in many ways, it's been the bane of my existence. Have I told you lately how glad I am that you're here??  :)

  When I first began to back away from my aunt, she was telephoning constantly and I was keeping my answers quite brief and to the point. I'd also stopped inquiring re: her latest health concerns, because that invariably led to a 2 hour lecture complete with the names and addresses of each of her many physicians. After 2 or 3 such calls with me being laid back and not coddling her, she stopped cold in the middle of a conversation with me and shrieked,  "Don't you even care about me????"  I was shocked. It was then that I realized just how unbalanced she was. Now keep in mind, she'd "acknowledged" me plenty during the many years when I'd catered to her. But GS, that didn't mean that I existed in her eyes. I don't think anyone existed to her, other than for the purposes of reflecting herself (which very few were willing to do, thereby religating them to her personal S-list, which I think musta been 8 miles long).
What I'm getting at through all of this rambling is... GS, it's not you. It's them. Nobody ever really gets acknowledged by these people. Ever. Those who do ... well they receive their acknowledgement by being the butt of all manner of torment and continuing demands. Please remember... it is never enough, it is never right. I hope you will consider what a blessing it is to avoid the sort of acknowledgement that NPD or BPD dish out.

With much love,
Hope

Gaining Strength

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2006, 11:18:39 PM »
Oh Hope - you are absolutely right.  It is not us, it is them.  It is the distortion or twisted sense that comes from believing that there ever was a "relationship", a give and take.  There is such a betrayal and a sense of being viewed as worthless that causes the pain - especially where we were willing to extend ourselves or to give something of ourselves.  As I write this, I see how this mirrors the sense of being betrayed in a romantic relationship as well.  But ultimately it is the betrayal, the swindal that hurts - the giving and getting a slap in the face in return. 

And - the bottom line - it goes to that greater concept of what "family" means and what we expect or even need from "family".  That is what I am trying to sort through I think.  Thank you so much for sharing with me here.  Such an incredible gift.  - Your gift changes the entire experience for me, that's how significatn it is.  Thank you - Gaining Strength.

Certain Hope

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2006, 10:39:23 AM »
Dear GS,

  You've got me thinking more about both what I've expected and what I've needed from my family. My parents did offer me a physically safe place as a child, and that was definitely a need. I can remember being terrified then of being without them... that something might happen to them, especially my mother, and then I would have no one. Now I think that fear sprang from the fact that neither one of them ever equipped me to find my place in the world at large, amongst humanity. I saw the way they "fit in" (or, in my mother's case, more often failed to fit in) and it was phony, fake, to me. It was as though both of them were determined to conquer the world, rather than to embrace it... my Dad much less than my mother. With her, it was all about stuff and things and an appearance of perfection. With Dad... well, it was hard work through the week, dressed in the clothes of a laborer, and then that strange Sunday morning routine of suit and tie and "This is the day the Lord hath made" belted out in a deep bass voice which belonged to a stranger, not the bricklayer I knew. And you know... one of the first things I realized when I came to Christ was...  each and every day is the day which the Lord has made and warrants acknowledgement as such.

   And my poor mother. All she ever seems to have wanted was someone to re-make into her own image of perfection. Dad wouldn't allow her to do it, my brother refused to be anyone but his N'ish self, and me... hard as I tried to accomodate her, let her down yet once again. Too bad ,so sad. And still, I can tell from the responses I'm getting now that I'm communicating with them again (by letter)... the cardinal rule to which they both adhere is: Above all, never ever get real. Makes me want to purge every last bit of them out of my system. Gene transplant sounds appealing. One thing I've thoroughly learned through examining all this is... I make every deliberate, conscious effort to encourage my own children to be who God made them to be, not to follow me, and never ever to hesitate to look beneath the surface when what they see (even in me) fails the reality test. All this because one of the most damaging legacies my parents left within me was ... they destroyed my desire, my inclination, my ability.... to ask, "Why??"

  Thanks for the opportunity and inspiration to revive the questions, GS.

Love,
Hope

moonlight52

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2006, 06:00:19 PM »
HI All

There is the thought from a song by Lenard Cohen
"It begins with your family and later comes round to your soul".

I have been WORKING ON MY FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS for 20 years and finally I have accepted what I can not change or what I will
not get from FOO.
Also I am grateful for the love I did receive (from sweet Mom) and the lessons learned for after all is said and done my true nature does not
rest in anger or blame but in understanding and peace.

That does not mean I condone or repeat the cycle .
But I have stepped away from the rope and the knot and have walked away as best as I can to embrace my own life
and be real.

Two days ago I stood in the presence of my dad in self respect and in my wholeness this is something I know
whether or not he took notice is something I was not waiting for................................. I knew  8)

moon
« Last Edit: September 20, 2006, 06:01:58 PM by moonlight52 »

pennyplant

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2006, 06:20:34 PM »
Two days ago I stood in the presence of my dad in self respect and in my wholeness this is something I know
whether or not he took notice is something I was not waiting for................................. I knew  8)

What a great feeling, Moon  :D .  Wholeness is what I'm striving for.

PP
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

moonlight52

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2006, 07:21:17 PM »
PP   

What I should have said was I was close to wholeness I noticed that when he said hurtful comments I let them flow over me.
It was OK I knew what he said was not true .I knew he maybe did not even know what he said hurt me.

I was separate not needing to please him. I was not looking for validation from him.First time in my life . 8)
He was just him and I was me and I was not operating as if I was a child.He said a few comments that I did not like but it did
not faze me.And I stood as me and as whole as I am .

And thats a good thing I think I might be stronger than I know and there was no bipolar meltdown after when I got home.
I am striving for wholeness is what I meant to say .I did not melt like a candle. I really held my own.Which is a good thing.

Much love,

Moon

Hopalong

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2006, 07:35:10 PM »
Quote
whether or not he took notice is something I was not waiting for................................. I knew



FULL MOON!


Feeling SUCH delight for you!!!

love,
Hops
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Stormchild

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Re: Overcoming Shame
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2006, 07:57:11 PM »
Moon:

there isa sound of one hand clapping.

it is the sound of one person resolving a lifelong conflict, all by themselves.

you rock, ma'am! You ROCK!!!!!!
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

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