Insecurity & end of relationship

[WRITE]

I am muddling along heading towards divorce- we decided to file sooner than the spring, I expect to be filing by November or December then it takes 60 days so I know some of the insecurity is everything's happening faster than the original plan.

But is it 'normal'? To be so up and down and not feeling like I am sure of myself?

It's what I want, and the practicalities haven't been as difficult as I imagined, in fact everything is going well.

So why do I feel so crappy and shaky? I thought when I finally got to this point I'd feel wonderful!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

  Yes, I believe it's normal. To me, the divorce process resembles a slow, agonizing death. In my case, I didn't file... he did; and I knew why he did (to gain control, which backfired); and yet it hurt so much. I think it's like all of those other hurtful things which we know in our minds, but haven't quite reached the depths of our hearts yet. It's the process of making it real, like putting thoughts onto paper and then binding the individual sheets into a book... it's so formal and seems so final, unalterable.

   Write, you know that there is no other human being on this earth who is responsible for your happiness. To me, one of the very most difficult leaps of thought to achieve was realizing that freedom from one of the most difficult human beings on earth would not ensure my happiness either. "They" can't fulfill us by their absence or by our getting free of them any more than they could ever fulfill us by their presence in our lives. Although separation from N certainly can free us up to think more clearly and be open to a wider variety of options, it's not a cure-all or a quick fix. It's still we, alone, coming to recognize all that led us to where we are now, remembering that we have not yet "arrived", and as you said elsewhere, patiently working it. To me, realizing that is wonderful in and of itself.

Love,
Hope

[WRITE]

Write, you know that there is no other human being on this earth who is responsible for your happiness.

Thank you.

I know, and I am going through the motions of doing everything I need to do....I just feel alternately numb and upset and afraid and exhilarated.

I understand where my insecurity comes from- to be emotionally abandoned as a baby has left me with a strong residual fear of being emotionally abandoned now and when life events mirror that even a little it does affect me strangely and strongly.

Part of my panic is a worry that it will never go away too: I will always react like this.

It definitely triggers some of the bipolar agitation and I've had to medicate that and sleeplessness again. It's like 3 steps forward 2 steps back all the time.

we have not yet "arrived",

Maybe I have done everything I can for now, maybe I just need to be patient. I am getting this urge to 'do something' anything just to resolve this ambivalent 'what now' status.

Life is really good but somehow nothing is enough?

I said somewhere else, I feel like I have turned up at a sumptuous banqueting hall and there's just me there wandering around with a sandwich...

[Plucky]

Hi Write,
I think it would be some kind of wierd miracle if you didn't have any setbacks or residual feelings.  In fact I would wonder about you.
I do wish you all the strength and peace you can have during this time.  At least intellectually it is resonating for you.  The feelings will have to have more time to catch up.  Go ahead and post and post and post and work it through with us.
Plucky

[Hops]

((((((((((((Write)))))))))))))))))

Peace, balance, faith and beautiful music to you.

I think one reason divorce is so difficult is that when you initiate it yourself, it seems on one level like an intentional execution. Quite different than being "done to."

It's not an execution of anything, but the culture still carries its currents of judgment and I think we can be rocked by them even when we're not conscious of it.

Don't know if I'm intuiting that correctly, but I think that might be one reason you might feel in a whirl.

Trust yourself, trust the decision you've made. It is new territory, the other side of divorce, but you will not be alone out here. Life will still be life, you will still eat, read, dress, sleep, sing, and work...make choices, make mistakes, and make new friends.

There is time. There is plenty of time for you to breathe, and adjust...and you are going to come out better than okay.

Hops

[WRITE]

The feelings will have to have more time to catch up.  Go ahead and post and post and post and work it through with us.

thanks Plucky.
I feel so weird about everything.

Even that guy I had the crush on, I just feel like I was trying to bury myself in soemthing else and not face the end of my marriage.

the culture still carries its currents of judgment and I think we can be rocked by them even when we're not conscious of it.

I don't care about the culture but your intuition is right- I did believe inside of me that I had commited myself to this for life 
I'm going against my own values by divorcing really, but I don't see an alternative.

Trust yourself

ok, I'll try and use that as a mantra tonight.

It's been an irritating day, I have had to deal with a bit of passive agression which always wears me out...and I have a cold and my son is sick too.

Time for a cup of ( hot ) tea, with some carnation milk, and a hug from my boy.

Thanks guys, I am sorry for being so whiny this week, I will perk up soon I'm sure...

Life will still be life, you will still eat, read, dress, sleep, sing, and work...make choices, make mistakes, and make new friends.

I hope so. I feel like the end of the world is coming.

[Hopalong]

Aw, hon, I hear you:

I did believe inside of me that I had commited myself to this for life

I did feel terrible grief at the end of my marriage. Even though it was impossible (and I believe would have been wrong) to stay. Worse, because it was my second. The grief was at the necessity of breaking my own vows. Tore me up.

It took me a long time to release myself from that punishment--and in hindsight, I believe I was wrong not to be truly compassionate and utterly forgiving of myself (I'd forgiven him long before).

I hope you won't do that to yourself, Write....

I do understand, so well.

Please be good to yourself, especially kind.

Hops

 

[Brigid]

Write,

Maybe I have done everything I can for now, maybe I just need to be patient. I am getting this urge to 'do something' anything just to resolve this ambivalent 'what now' status.

I am feeling this exact same thing right now.  Not for the same reasons--mine comes from my empty nest syndrome--but still the same sense of "what now" and wanting to "do something" and the impatience of a solution to that.

As you approach the finalizing of the divorce and the true end of the marriage, you are bound to have some fear, sadness, exhileration and a small sense of failure at the end of something you were suppose to be doing for life.  No matter who decided and what the reasons, there will be some of that.  After all, you entered into it thinking those vows meant a great deal and you would be together forever.

Eventually, you will accept that things happen for a reason and that reason has yet to present itself.  I ran into a girl friend a little while ago who is going through a divorce and dealing with all the BS surrounding that.  She said she had recently run into my ex and wanted to punch him out for what he had done to me.  I said that at this point, she could thank him on my behalf.  I still have fear, sadness, and exhileration, but finally stopped feeling like a failure and can now look at my current situation as more successful than my marriage had been and definitely has more promise for the future.  If I can just be more patient for the "what now" to present itself, I'll have it made.

You will ultimately be happy about the dates being moved up and things moving along faster.  There is no good reason to drag it out and the end will come no matter what.  It does mean that you get to be free to move forward sooner, and that is not a bad thing.

Hugs,

Brigid

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Brigid)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can't imagine my babies leaving. It must be hard.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((write)))))))))))))))))))))))))

In between periods are so hard. Take care of yourself and I hope your cold gets better. Do you have time to wallow in it? Can you lie back and be lazy and surround yourself with tea and tissues and TV? Is there anything mindless you can do right now? In my in between stage, I picked up knitting. It really has helped me. Your mind wanders, unfocused, and I think some kind of healing happens when your psyche's allowed to stray...

Lots of love,
Beth

[Brigid]

Beth,

I can't imagine my babies leaving. It must be hard.

It is so much harder than I ever imagined.  I am slowly making the adjustment, but it is awfully lonely and quiet around here.

After my ex left and I was unable to concentrate enough to read or even watch TV, I also took up knitting again after many, many years of not touching a knitting needle.  I didn't tackle anything difficult, but was able to use all the beautiful, interesting yarns which are available these days and knitted about 40 scarves over the course of 6 months.  I kept a couple for myself, but gave away most of them to the friends who had supported me, as Christmas gifts to family members, and even sold one to a complete stranger who saw me working on it.  It really was very therapeutic at the time and for someone who is not very artistic, gave me a small outlet for some creativity.

Brigid

[WRITE]

Thanks.

I am grieving I guess.

Last night I went for a long swim and then cried for an hour in bed...it was a release.

I saw the guy I have had the crush on at a distance earlier- he looked so cute too! but I realised very firmly I can't just rush into another relationship or I'll just be avoiding my pain, or take it with me.

I've continued to love my ex for years after I knew it wasn't going to work out for us, and I think the outcome has been far more than I could have expected, he's a good father and becoming a considerate ex.

But it is time to let go.

Always my most difficult thing, this abandonment stuff comes rushing in and I get so frightened. I have had this image for weeks of a baby not crying any more but just lying there in it's crib knowing no one is coming and waiting to see if it can survive.

I am feeling this exact same thing right now.  Not for the same reasons--mine comes from my empty nest syndrome--but still the same sense of "what now" and wanting to "do something" and the impatience of a solution to that.

it's up here on my board, the Robert Frost quote 'the only way round is through'.
It's a big adjustment for you too, the same type really, mix of positives with the grief plus a big change in practical circumstances.

Ok. Let's start the day routine- thank goodness I have a busy routine right now! Dog walk; cup of tea; work- a particularly challenging place which is going well but if I tell you I pray before I go in you might understand it!

I have told some of my friends I am struggling, and I've made an effort to organise some social activities, I know there's therapeutic wallowing Beth and you're right, a brief wallow is what mud is to hippos! But I also have a history of taking myself into bad mental health places, so I don't want to mood swing down into depression either.

I'm trying to see it as a big positive the fact I can I can even feel all this stuff and not precipitate a crisis- but I am aware that often I don't see the crisis coming and I have to focus on taking care of me even more when I'm unhappy.

gave me a small outlet for some creativity.

and that's another bonus!

Love to everyone.

[Gaining Strength]

WRITE

I understand where my insecurity comes from- to be emotionally abandoned as a baby has left me with a strong residual fear of being emotionally abandoned now and when life events mirror that even a little it does affect me strangely and strongly.

Part of my panic is a worry that it will never go away too: I will always react like this.

It definitely triggers some of the bipolar agitation and I've had to medicate that and sleeplessness again. It's like 3 steps forward 2 steps back all the time.

I just feel this agony right along with you.  Your fear of being emotionally abandoned has actually happened.  No wonder you hit a patch of panic.  That early abandonment is a gaping wound that can close but still there is a scar.

I've continued to love my ex for years after I knew it wasn't going to work out for us, and I think the outcome has been far more than I could have expected, he's a good father and becoming a considerate ex.

I am so glad for you that the outcome has been far more than you could have expected but I suspect that that makes this more painful as well.  If he is becoming a considerate ex this could open some real grieving about why he wasn't more so as a husband.  That touches great sympathetic pain in me for you.

'the only way round is through'.

I am living this today - and have for years interspersed with periods of identifying what the "it" was.  This is so true but not any the easier for knowing it.

I saw the guy I have had the crush on at a distance earlier- he looked so cute too! but I realised very firmly I can't just rush into another relationship or I'll just be avoiding my pain, or take it with me.

WRITE - this is no small thing.  That you have the widsom and the strength to recognize this AND to hold yourself to you own knowledge is just huge.  It is a very clear and very strong sign of strength and healing.  For you to hold onto this at this agonizing time show great growth - not just survival - but great growth.  I write this as great encouragement. as a light at the end of the tunnel, as something for you to hold onto about yourself and where you are headed.  It will be better - your words show me this.  I'm not just offering empty thoughts to make you feel better.

Your dear friend you truly cares - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Write,
You are being so responsible and I have such faith in your strength.
(Not perfection, not imperviousness...just strength of mind and of character.)

In some ways I think grieving is finding strength through that emotional "weakness".

I am so glad you're going to put one foot in front of the other to do things socially so that you don't isolate...I think that's very wise.

(((((((((((((((((Write)))))))))))))))

Thinking of you,
Hops

[WRITE]

I am so glad for you that the outcome has been far more than you could have expected but I suspect that that makes this more painful as well.  If he is becoming a considerate ex this could open some real grieving about why he was more so as a husband.  That touches great sympathetic pain in me for you.

Thanks. You're right- it also opens the question should i wait and see how his therapy goes and maybe try again in a year or two...or it would if I'm not too old to keep putting life on hold waiting for someone else to change.

I am so glad you're going to put one foot in front of the other to do things socially so that you don't isolate...I think that's very wise.

Thank you.
I am isolated because so many relationships here are superficial and if I ask for support the people just can't handle it. But I have a handful of people who know I am struggling, and I can go out socialising for distraction.

Things are hard, I'm workign so hard establishing myself professionally and trying to budget with much less income, my son has been ill this week, me too. I'm always juggling the bipolar. And I can't drink or date- so no instant release of tension and I feel like no one has really touched me in a long time. If I were to have sex I'd probably cry!

Things are good- I have already made a big impact on my latest two jobs and I am suceeding despite the usual obstavles. I've enrolled on a course. I've dropped 20 some pounds. I'm really fit from all this swimming. I haven't had a drink in months. My faith is really strong and I have very clear personal objectives really grounded in that.

It will be better

I have good hours and bad hours. It really is like when someone has died and you keep forgetting or going to another place in your head, then facing things, then running from it...

Roller coaster of emotions- just what a bipolar needs to avoid. But I think I'll be ok.

Wobbled tonight when ex pointed out I have a hug unpaid electricity bill- I've just budgeted to have an operation I need, and I'm meticulous about paying bills- but he just called and said it's a mistake. He reset the a/c for me, it's still too expensive.

Then my son came through starvign and bad-tempered, we had a few words. We're goign to walk the dog now, it's turned cooler and very pleasant ( that should reduce my electric bill too )

Can't believe such little things are totally wobbling me!

[Gaining Strength]

Can't believe such little things are totally wobbling me!

Of course they are WRITE - you are in a wobbly place.  Just hold on - you are living on a fault line and just experiencing a little rumble - No full blown earthquake in the future.  What I see - what I would love to see you notice - is how many things you are doing so well inspite of the wobblyness.  That's where your hope is.  That's where your comfort and assurance is.  In spite of this difficult time you are doing some very difficult things very well.  You are caing for yourself - exercising, losing weight, building your career.  Those are not small.  Those are big, important and difficult.  I am proud of you and want you to feel that too.

All my love and encouragement to you my friend - love, Gaining Strength

I'm so proud of you.