123,
Welcome and know that I'm very sorry for your situation. My xnh left me 3+ years ago after 22 years of marriage and 2 children. My oldest was already 18, but my daughter was 15 at the time.
I was fortunate that my x was not overtly abusive--either physically or emotionally. He actually checked out of the family during the initial phases of the separation and none of us had any contact with him on a regular basis. He spends some time with the kids now, but they are both adults now and away at school, so they can make their own choices as to the time they spend with him. They have very clearly learned over the last 3 years who and what their father is and what he is capable of.
Are you currently in therapy for yourself? If not, I would strongly recommend that you do. It is good that you have an attorney looking out for your legal interests, but you need a T to help you with the psychological impact that this is having on you. My T was my savior and who identified my exh as n (we saw the T as a couple for 6 weeks until my ex suddenly walked out). My T was also very helpful to me in getting my kids through the process.
The minute my ex left, I became very proactive regarding my daughter. I contacted the school psychologist, all her teachers, her gymnastics coach and the parents of all her best friends. I explained what had happened and to please contact me if they saw any changes in behavior, grades declining, etc. I asked her friends' parents to talk to their kids about what had happened so my daughter wouldn't have to do it. She has wonderful friends and they all ralleyed around her and supported her as best they could. I was in a very terrible place personally at the time, but got help with some AD's and tried to always keep the interests of the kids first.
With any luck, your stbx will find a new supply source soon (they generally do--mine was already having an affair when he left), and you and your son will become excess baggage. As difficult as it will be, you must remain as strong and formidable as possible. This is not a time to give into him in any way to keep peace. These people are generally cowards down deep and don't know how to respond to a show of strength. Try to keep your contact with him through your attorney. I know this is difficult where your son is concerned, but hopefully the psych can help with that.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of documenting his behaviors and for the most part, the professionals involved are on your side. There are many on this site who have been through very similar situations as yours and can offer more specific information. I think most of them would say that the best you can do is just support your son as best you can when he is with you and let him vent the frustrations regarding his father. It won't be too long before he can drive and that is a big benefit where visitation is concerned. If they feel the need to get away, they can.
After 3 years (divorced for about 18 months), I'm doing fine for the most part and in a new relationship with a great guy. My kids are both doing very well and we have a fantastic relationship. They know how hard I worked to keep their interests first through the whole experience and are proud of how far I have come personally.
I wish you well.
Brigid
