N-Son

[pambengt]

I believe my son to be a N and he recently cut me off by telling me to leave his home. His girlfriend is 5 months pregnant and he told me he does not want to raise his child in the kind of home he was raised in . . . which he describes as without a nurturing environment. Everyone is telling me to leave him alone, but I'm so torn between wanting to see him/ wanting to see my grandson (my first) or protecting myself from his mean and vindictive verbal attacks. Plus, his girlfriend scares me.  She seems very intelligent, but manipulative. I have already caught her in a huge lie.

Sometimes in the past he has come to me and we have had a good relationship. But this past year (as well as the years he spent in high school) have been hell. Everytime I see him he says something extremely hurtful and calls everyone in our family names. He did this in front of his girlfriend this time (she's only been around for 9 months) and it completely embaressed me.

I'm so upset. I know I should leave him alone, but I'm having difficulty emotionally with this. The truth of the matter is, I miss him. He's my first born son.

[phoenix]

bye

[rosencrantz]

She cried buckets and was so hurt, she just could not understand what was wrong with him, why he would want to hurt her so.

That's how my mother felt about me!!

It's taken me 30 years to work out that I called her a cow (what a terrible thing to do - at the age of 19) simply because she was so incredibly spiteful to me (and I now realise that she still is!).

But she spent all those years hiding behind the blame game so nobody could spot what was really going on between us.  And I spent all that time in guilty suicidal fear and despair!!!  Quadruple groan!  What a waste of two lives!!!

I have also seen that, as a mother myself, I can say and do things I'm not fully aware of - so I know it's possible easily to contribute to a downward spiral without realising it.  

pambengt - may I respectfully suggest that you don't miss your son, but you miss someone you hoped he would be, someone you expected he might be, someone you required him to be.  It seems that you want to see 'him' (in spite of him) otherwise you'd respect and accept his wishes.  The grandson is not 'yours' - and the relationship is 'theirs'. Why are you in a situation where you are ready to 'catch her out' in a lie?A 'lie' can be simply about avoiding conflict   There's something just not quite right in what you are doing and it sounds very famliar to me.

But then I am seeing your post through the lens of my own experience which may or may not be relevant to your own.
Good luck.
R

[phoenix]

bye

[pp]

delete

[pp]

delete