Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

The Emotional Christian (not just for Christians, tho)

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Certain Hope:
Hi,

   Although I am a Christian and therefore seeking to base my life, my personhood on Jesus Christ, I think that the common bond of humanity which we all share will allow others to relate to this. Whatever our personal path through this life, we all share similar struggles in daily life and the impact of emotions is definitely a big factor.
 
   I am struggling enormously with bringing my emotional-life and thought-life into harmony with what I'm learning is to be the daily walk of a disciple of Christ. My own personal battle with extremes has left me craving a balance which has so far eluded me, but I am seeing progress. At first, I held to the line of thought which is expressed in the first line of the following article.... emotions ~ who needs them? They are irrelevant, immaterial, can often lead a person astray, and are not to be given the time of day.
 Of course, since I believe that God made me (and each of us) an emotional being, I didn't get too far with denying my feelings and my attempts to do so only resulted in a deeper sense of alienation from my self.

   "Feelings" were not a part of my upbringing. I don't remember anyone ever asking me how I felt or expressing an emotion of their own in such a way that I could relate to it and respond. My mother often expressed displeasure, but never in so many words, and come to think of it... is displeasure even an emotion? I don't think so, yet that's her primary tone.  My dad often used humor to relieve what I think must be his own fear/avoidance of deep emotion, so there wasn't much to be learned from him in that regard, except to evade serious feelings at all cost. Then there was my aunt, who pitched many an emotional fit over the years.
I was terrified of her. In retrospect, I believe that she suffered from borderline personality disorder, which I've encountered again over the years in various friends and aquaintances. Honestly, I don't know which is worse... The flat, cold, lifeless emotional world of my mother or the volatile, exaggerated, blame shifting, push-pull, I hate you/don't leave me world of my mother's sister, who continually tried to draw others into the whirlwind of her emotional upheaval.

   Because of my own lack of example in proper, healthy ways of handling feelings, I see that I have often been drawn to those who have a very dark side, emotionally speaking. These people may, at first blush, appear to be quite sensitive and emotionally in-touch... until your way of thinking contradicts their own or you don't respond to them in a way which they deem appropriate, and then you become the target of their prideful rage. I know that I have some of all of these traits within me, by a combination of both nature and nurture, They have constantly been at war within me against what I always viewed as the more rational, reasonable, stoic perspective of my mother. What a dilemma....How to allow emotions to exist, to sit with them and not lapse into stewing on them, to hold them just long enough to be recognized, but not to control my thinking. If I can't do that for myself, then I will continually fall back into old habits of relating to others and not have the discernment to know when a relationship is going awry until it's too late and damage has been irreparable. As attracted as I am to those who are able to express emotion heartily, I am equally terrified of them when they turn the full strength of their emotional chaos onto me. So I look to Jesus, "the Author and Finisher of my faith".

   Even those who aren't believers in Jesus as God in the flesh may appreciate the following article which does a good job, I think, of examining the way He dealt with emotions in His own life. I hope so. God bless you all.

Hope


Learning From the Emotional Life of Jesus   by Bruce Narramore, Ph.D.

 
Feelings aren't important." "Emotions get in the way." "Don't trust your feelings." "Don't feel sad." "Just trust God."

Have you ever heard advice like this? I suspect you have because many Christians have a serious misunderstanding about the Christian life. They think Christians should live stoic-like existences, especially as far as strong emotions are concerned.

But did you know the Bible describes more than 20 different emotions that Jesus felt? And they weren't all happy feelings either! Among others, Jesus felt affection, anguish, anger, compassion, distress, grief, gladness, indignation, joy, love, peace, sadness, sympathy, troubled and weary. If Christ is our model of perfect spiritual and emotional maturity, perhaps we can learn by taking a look at a few of Jesus' emotions!

Compassion
If we asked Jesus' disciples for the one word that best described His feelings for the multitudes of people He encountered throughout His public ministry, they would reply, "compassion." It is the emotion most frequently attributed to Jesus. Matthew 9:36, for example, tells us, "When He saw the crowds, He had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Jesus fed the four thousand because they hadn't eaten for three days and He had "compassion on these people" (Matthew 15:32). He also healed the two blind men beside the roadside out of compassion (Matthew 20:34). As a compassionate person, Jesus was profoundly moved by the sufferings and troubles of those He encountered. 

Love
If compassion characterizes Jesus' feelings toward the multitudes, love epitomizes His relationships with those closest to Him. John the hot tempered, impulsive follower who eventually became known as the Apostle of Love, tells us that as Lazarus lay dying, his sisters, Martha and Mary, sent this word to Jesus: "Lord, the one you love is sick." Then John records, "Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus" (John 11:3-5).

Jesus didn't try to be less than
human by shielding Himself from grief
and pain. He allowed Himself to suffer
these normal human emotions.

Joy
On two occasions Jesus described himself as joyful. Both are recorded by John. The first instance follows Jesus predicting His betrayal. Jesus said, "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:9-11).

Jesus connects His joy (which He wants His disciples to share) with remaining in the Father's love and obeying His command-ments. Jesus' joy, in other words, comes from a loving relationship—specifically, His relationship with His Father— regardless of His temporary circumstances.

Grief and Sorrow
Jesus was pained when He saw others suffering or missing out on all that was available for them. In one of the most poignant moments of His public life, John tells us that when Jesus saw Mary weeping over Lazarus' death, "He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." Then, as Mary and Martha were taking Jesus to the body of Lazarus, "Jesus wept." He didn't try, as we sometimes do in times of sorrow, to be outwardly "strong" and hide or deny His feelings. His strength showed through His tears. He had the strength to care enough to weep.

Jesus also wept over Jerusalem as though His heart was breaking. And when He healed the man with a shriveled hand on the Sabbath and the Pharisees disapproved, He was "deeply distressed (grieved) at their stubborn hearts (John 3:5).

Jesus didn't try to be less than human by shielding Himself from grief and pain. He allowed Himself to suffer these normal human emotions.

Anger
Just as Jesus' compassionate nature at times led Him to grieve and sorrow, it also led Him to be angry. Perhaps the best known expression of His anger was when He drove the money changers out of the temple in Jerusalem at the Passover. John describes it this way: "So He made a whip out of cords and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; He scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves He said, 'Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father's house into a market!' " (John 2:15-16).

Think, too, of Jesus' interactions with the religious leaders of His day. They were periodically punctuated by assertive conflicts and sometimes angry confrontations. Jesus was angered by the callous legalism that led the Pharisees to be more committed to fulfilling the letter of the law than to lovingly doing good by healing or helping others on the Sabbath.

Like Christ, mature Christians will experience angry feelings, but those feelings will be stimulated by a love and concern for others and for righteousness rather than by the frustration of our own desires.

Peacefulness
Along with love and compassion, one other emotion of Jesus seemed to have a unifying effect upon His entire personality. That is the emotion of peace. As Jesus prepared to leave His disciples in death He told them, "But a time is coming and has come, when you will be scattered, each to His own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:32-33).

Stormchild:
Hope, this is a terrific exposition, with a lot of useful information in it.

One detail I would add: rage runs both hot and cold - and so does pride. And, on further reflection, so does shame...!

God grant every one of us the wisdom and discernment to see and avoid both kinds, in ourselves and in others!

Stormchild:
Fire and Ice
            -- Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Certain Hope:
Hi Stormy,

   Thanks.

  The Frost poem reminds me of the Bible passage which says that "the love of many shall wax cold". That one came up months ago, I think, in the context of taking offense...

  From Matthew 24:  8 All these are the beginning of sorrows. 9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. 10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. 13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.


I'm not clear on the hot and cold aspect, I guess. Can you give an example of shame running hot and cold? I think of shame as being neither... but rather lukewarm. However, I guess because of the way it numbs and freezes out the true self, it makes sense for it to be cold, though. Just thinking aloud here.

I can picture firey, explosive rage which lashes out to destroy another and icy, brittle rage which isolates and divides.

But pride? I'm not coming up with a picture of that as running hot and cold. Again, could you provide examples? I think of it as cold, along the same lines as the icy anger, due to its divisive influence.

Anything you could add would be most helpful.

Hope

Stormchild:
Oh yes - hot pride is the kind that flares up when someone else pushes onto 'your' turf at work, or at church, or in your book group, or some woman flirts with your date or your husband and clearly enjoys your discomfort [and your date or husband seems totally indifferent to that same discomfort]. It's the kind that flares up when someone cuts you off on the interstate... how dare they???

Cold pride is the kind that publicly humiliates another without a smidgen of passion or compassion, for the pleasure of rubbing their face in the dirt. The kind that entices, invites, and then deliberately spurns a man who once found you unattractive and was unwise enough to let you know it; and the spurning was the whole point of the exercise. Revenge as a dish eaten cold.

I know them both, the hot pride and the cold, entirely too well.

Hot shame is the kind that makes you blush in public; the heat may come from anger, as it does with hot pride, or from embarrassment. Cold shame is the kind that freezes your guts. I think the cold in cold shame comes from fear - but with cold pride, it comes from indifference or even hatred.

I've been shamed at both temperatures too.

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