Dear GS,
Thanks for posting some more of this, especially:
When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally,we can never be hurt by what they say or do.
I do understand it. This principle really removes the pressure by not leaving room for us to be taken hostage emotionally by another.
In the past, I went from zero experience with emotional intimacy to N, who instructed me that intimacy meant I was responsible for his feelings.
It was my refusal to accept that lie which allowed me to survive my marriage to him.
I do not believe that it is up to me to "make" anyone "feel better".
N would get convicted about his own poor behavior, become morose, and then demand that I stop making him feel bad, when I had done/said absolutely nothing to cause his pain. I couldn't even mow the lawn because that would make him "feel" bad (if all he wanted to do was sit on his fanny). If I dared to express a view ~ for instance, that his plan to drive a junk vehicle 900 miles may not pan out because the vehicle wasn't up to snuff ~ I had committed a gross atrocity against his sensitivity = the equivalent of calling him an idiotic loser. If I suggested that it might be a good idea to call a relative before just dropping in on them at dinnertime (again), he'd rage about how I thought I was so perfect and HIS family didn't REQUIRE him to ever announce HIS plans, because ... well, you know, he's "speshul". Bottom line always ~ he's right, he's the best, he's never wrong, and he deserves absolute understanding, tolerance, and respect... especially for his (self-pitying) feelings. The only way to get along with such an individual is to be a perpetual cheerleader and never, ever have a mind of your own. When it's humanly impossible to continue in this way, she/he tells you that you must have been lying all along because if you truly cared, you'd never suggest that she/he might be wrong.
You become immune to black magicians, and no spell can affect you regardless of how strong it may be.
Amen!
When you don't take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you.
I've experienced this also, GS, from both sides. Sulking, instead of speaking up with my own thoughts and feelings, did indeed cause the poison to become even worse in me. This only nurtured anger and unforgiveness as I stewed over all of the things which I felt I couldn't express.
How have you tried to poison people, GS? By silent seething? If you want to share, of course.
I've taken in the poison of others, as well... like Elizabeth in that thread I posted on Learned Optimism... shouldering all of the blame for something that was not my responsibility, assuming that I, after all, simply must be wrong. I didn't argue and rail against it, except inwardly. I was absolutely without voice for most of my life.
Re: Be Impeccable With Your Word ~ as in... Say what you mean and mean what you say? Since finding my voice, I've often spoken too soon, with too much emotion and far too little thought. Impulsivity is another issue... lots to reform.
Initially, this philosophy did go against the grain for me, because I could only picture it in the hands of N, used as a tool to deny and deflect all accountability. Trying to see a more rounded view of it now. Looking forward to hearing more from you, GS.
Hope
