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just found out

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pandora:
My husband and I have been going to marital counseling in the wake of an emotional/physical affair that occured over the last half of last year.  I am still confused and hurting over his betrayal, and in addition I was the target of his verbal/emotional abuse for several months while he was involved with the other woman.  (BTW, he evidently abused her as well).

I have been very needy and insecure and have been appealing to him for emotional support.  He cannot give it.  He is unable to put himself in my shoes.  He is not able to see the effects of his words and actions on others, including me - now I understand why so many former friends have fallen by the wayside.  

I just met with our marital counselor.  He told me that my husband exhibits many traits of a N, most notably inability to be empathic.  I have been researching in this area, so I had suspected something like this, but to hear it from a professional was a serious shock.  

I am not sure what to do.  He has been able to successfully halt the verbally abusive behavior, and is acting loving and affectionate at times.  However, other actions of his signal that he is "leaving" the marriage in many ways.  In addition, besides his dishonesty with me, he has been dishonest and sometimes even manipulative in his personal and business life.  

I have been very committed to my marriage and I love my husband, which is why I am still here, but I can't sacrifice myself to a lifetime of misery.  I already have told him that abusive behavior and involvements with other women are deal-breakers.  I am still struggling with the dishonesty - it really disturbs me.  According to the therapist, Ns are rarely able to change their basic nature.  

Now I am trying to figure out what this means and what my options are.  It looks like the emotional support and connection I thought would be in my marriage are not there and will probably never be.  Can I make a reasonalby happy life in this situation, or is that a lost cause?

Still shaking.  I wish this day had never come, but I have to know the truth for what it is.  Thanks to all for any insight.

phoenix:
bye

pandora:
We have been married a little over 4 years. I found out about his affair two days after our anniversary.  We dated for about 4 years before marrying.  We had a rocky dating relationship, I finally broke it off "for good" and then he pursued me passionately until I came back.  We did have pretty good chemistry.  

The year before we were married was good, from what I remember, and then the first two years of our marriage were pretty good.  There have been signs of something missing in our relationship before, and isolated periods of critical and controlling behavior.  This got progressively worse over the past two years, and was at its highest point during his affair.   My fruitless efforts to appear to him for emotional support and compassion in my hurt and needy condition finally woke me up to the reality that something big was missing here.  

We have a lot of common interests and have been good companions for each other in many ways, although the recent turmoil has damaged that.  No children or plans to have any.  Thank God for that at least.

Anonymous:
pandora,

When someone lacks empathy to the point of dishonesty, cheating and also being abusive, it is unlikely that empathy will develop. It's up to you whether to accept him as he is, and hold onto hope that he will behave at his best rather than at his worst. I personally don't hold that much hope but I don't know him.

bunny

ranting:
I don't know if you have spiritual beliefs that may dictate your choice, but if you choose to stay, it might be wise to get into a 12 step program of some sort, so that you can focus on your needs and learn how to cope with the effects of his.

Love and Compassion to you.

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