Author Topic: Disappointment  (Read 9251 times)

WRITE

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #30 on: October 15, 2006, 02:33:10 AM »
Hi Plucky. Thanks.

Can you compartmentalise

not good at this Plucky! Wish I could but I'm very intense, worse since I lived in the US where the superficiality gets on my nerves.

I think I have everything straight in my head- my main concern is getting involved with anyone and throwing my ex off track with the divorce etc...if I thought this was 'the real thing' type thing I would probably take the risk, but not for this very casual relationship.

needs some management, which can be provided simply by being somewhat preoccupied and unavailable

I have a lot of nice guy and women friends, I am going to spend lots of time with them. I'm having lovely times with them and it's keeping me afloat better than trying to decipher one cute guy who is giving me no feedback or relationship. I really need a lot of love right now- and y'all were right, when I let down my defences and told people they have been so caring.

I am so lucky.

As for cute crush guy- he'll keep  :)

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13621
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #31 on: October 15, 2006, 10:11:06 AM »
I've so far all my life been incapable of carrying on in a detached, lighthearted way with men I'm very attracted to. For me (finally) if it ain't reciprocal, I'm outta there.

Once in a relationship and during the wooing, I love laughing together more than anything. But if there's a laarger-than-reasonable risk of being taken advantage of or dumped, I'd rather laugh with my friends.

Off to use my new blue shampoo. Gives me halogen hair.

Check in later...glorious day to all of you...

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

WRITE

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #32 on: October 15, 2006, 11:57:50 PM »
I know I am too serious sometimes, so I tried it, shot him a light-hearted email about church, but it's just made me really anxious all evening, I kept looking to see if he'd replied ( he hasn't ) and second-guessing myself. Basically it makes me feel insecure to deal with the ambivalence and being disregarded. It's a lot easier to cut off hoping he'll respond how I'd like and write it off to experience and move on.

It's also another habit I want to break, this trying to salvage/save relationships. It's not that I want to write people off, it's just I want to learn to relax and if the person is going to come around they'll do it in their own time and I don't always have to facilitate it. I see it as an example of me being a bit controlling.

So anyway, I guess no, I can't do detached well and it's unbalanced my overall response to the day, it's not I feel unloved or unappreciated overall but because he hasn't responded I'm feeling both those things. And I got two notes this week from other guys and a call from my Buddhist friend, I've had lunch and dinner with three great friends, and a book signed by John Updike belated for my birthday a few weeks ago- longest birthday ever!

It's so easy to focus on the tiny negative isn't it, even in a week full of affirmation.

I really need to work on that too.

Though I've had an awful evening with my son too tonight, that's part of me feeling so miserable this minute, he's been so bad-tempered and unpleasant. Just like his father used to be, brings back so many unhappy memories and makes me so sick of his father's continued negativity which is affecting our child. I am handling it but completely drained, he's downstairs writing up the homework we just did, so I am having a quiet cry on the computer...

Going to tuck him in and have another little chat now he's calm and happy.

Goodnight everyone!
« Last Edit: October 16, 2006, 12:01:42 AM by WRITE »

Plucky

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 800
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #33 on: October 16, 2006, 12:30:23 AM »
Hi Write,
Sorry you're feeling drained and conflicted.  Please don't feel in any way that you have to try to keep it going with the eye candy guy.    Drop it full stop if you want to.  You don't have to have a reason.  If it isn't fun, don't do it.

If you do want to practice on this guy, you have to be in a state of not really caring what happens.  If he never responds, so what, you're too busy anyway and he wasn't paying the correct attention.   If you are going to shoot him light emails, great, but then you have to forget you even sent it and above all don't put anything in there that obligates a response.

I am not trying to give you mixed messages, just trying to cover the bases whatever you decide to do.  From the miniscule amount I know, I imagine that this man is not a long term deep relationship possibility for you.  So think of your precious self in layers.  He can stay on the surface layer.   Your real friends are deeper inside.       

Kids can be really hard on you sometimes.  And they do not know it, until they are adults.  That is why good parents are such saints.  Do you tell your son that he is hurting you?  At ten, he is old enough to learn that.  (Is he ten?  Where did I get that idea?)

 I think making the lists is a good idea.   You listed the great things that have happened to you lately (I am jealous) and the one little doubtful thing that seems to be overshadowing it.    Does it help to take score like that?

Chin up
Plucky

WRITE

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #34 on: October 16, 2006, 01:02:49 AM »
Thanks Plucky.

I do like to try things, I know if I am going to break out of old patterns I need to.

Don't worry about 'mixed messages' I know exactly what you are saying.
I think maybe I could do it more if I was more together, but I'm still a bit all over the place.

When you're feeling 100 % it's easier to think 'oh well' not the whole host of negative dialogues which crowd in when you feel you've been rejected or 'blown it' or all the other horrible feelings when a relationship doesn't come together.

My son is tucked up in bed, looking cute; he's promised to try to be less unpleasant, I asked him why and he said 'because it upsets you and it's not nice to be around' so hopefully he can get out of this habit. I replied that the worst thing it will do is hurt him, and that's why I want him to really try. Yes he's 10.

It doesn't help when my ex says so much inappropriate stuff, he's been terrible this last week again, I can bet he's stopped taking a/d s, and I know he's put the therapy on hold whilst he garners money for his house move.

I did have a very good week, worked really hard, had a nice time with my son apart from tonight and as I say there are plenty of other as you say deeper people to connect with.

Does it help to take score like that?

I journal in my Thankfulness book most evenings, yes it helps give better perspective, something I am not good at because of my mood swings.

When I look back to a couple of years ago I can't believe things are so good for me, we have come a long way as a family.

I guess I am tired, wanted to go for a swim but I think a sleep would be more beneficial...full work day tomorrow.

I came back up here because I still feel wound up, thanks for your words Plucky, I'm going to go sleep on them!





Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13621
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #35 on: October 16, 2006, 02:01:32 AM »
Hi Write, Hi Plucky...

I would like to say that I feel concerned about the notion of fairly casual sex and using time and effort toward this man, for you, Write. I think you need to become your OWN lover, if the expression makes any sense. I'm not talking about sexuality, as much as just hoping you'll step forward in faith that you can fall in love with your own life now. As slowly and calmly as is right for you and keeps you safe and balanced.

It's great to be moving forward, but it is so draining and difficult to end a marriage, any marriage, that I think while you're weathering this hugely significant change, being with someone in a way that's counter to your natural tendencies (strongly loving, capable of commitment and powerful attachment)...could backfire.

I know I'm just speaking from my own misadventures, but I identify a lot.

(Hope it's not offensive to sort of contradict your advice Plucky...I admire and envy your pragmatic take on things. And I have often wished I could have a lighter more friendly-sex type of relationship. I've finally decided I can't though. I'm probably projecting, but I am wondering if Write could be similar...?)

Hope I'm making sense to each of you, getting sleepy!

((((((Write, Plucky)))))

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Plucky

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 800
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #36 on: October 16, 2006, 02:04:52 AM »
Quote
I came back up here because I still feel wound up, thanks for your words Plucky, I'm going to go sleep on them!

I'm glad you feel better Write,
and actually, I had already gone to bed, but I read your post just before logging out, or being kicked out whatever, and when I got to bed I knew I could not rest until I responded, so I got back up.    I felt silly but now I'm so glad!  Thank you!  It makes me feel connected.
Sleep tight
Plucky

Ps Hoppy I'm not offended. 

pennyplant

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1067
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #37 on: October 16, 2006, 02:51:12 AM »
I know I am too serious sometimes, so I tried it, shot him a light-hearted email about church, but it's just made me really anxious all evening, I kept looking to see if he'd replied ( he hasn't ) and second-guessing myself. Basically it makes me feel insecure to deal with the ambivalence and being disregarded. It's a lot easier to cut off hoping he'll respond how I'd like and write it off to experience and move on.

Hi WRITE,

My situation is quite different from yours, but this leapt out at me.  I was emailing my N-co-worker quite a lot until a few weeks ago.  Each and every time I emailed him, I felt that same anxious feeling you describe here.  And I went through the same behaviors of looking for a reply, etc.  Often I thought I was emailing him as an exercise almost of trying to make myself into some light-hearted person who can just "be fun" and not take it seriously.  I had saved the email "correspondence" for several months and saw that he emailed me about once for every four or so times I emailed him.  It had become almost a compulsion on some level.  And it made me feel ill on some level no matter how it turned out--if he ignored me it triggered all kinds of hurt, if he responded it made me quite nervous, or it made me inordinately happy.  Now that I have stopped it, it seems to be part of my feeling stronger inside of myself.  Occasionally I still have the urge to email him, but it passes more quickly and later on I can think to myself, if I had emailed him I'd be anxious about it right now instead of having the more calm and strong feelings that I actually have.  He has never asked me why I stopped emailing, but I believe it bothered him at first because of some indirect things he said and did.  So, that kind of tells me it was some kind of head game or power trip he was playing by mostly not responding in kind to my emails.

Don't know what your crush guy is really like on the N-scale.  Maybe he is "one-directional" with everyone.  But he could also be doing a subtle power trip on you.  Whatever it is, there is a good reason for your feelings of anxiety, I believe, when it comes to this issue.  My N-co-worker knows which things are bothersome to me (foolish me was too open with him for too long) and he can't seem to stop himself from pushing those buttons as long as I keep being willing to leave myself open in that way.  In some ways,  I think I'm doing him a favor by not giving him those irresistable chances to do the meaner thing.  It's like I have to be the grown up here because he can't be.

I think you're on the right track in filling your life with good people who respond in more normal ways to your overtures.  Letting crush guy gradually slip into the background might end up being a very good thing in the long run.  It also frees up your mind to work on issues.  He might be some kind of "drug" that distracts you.  I think you mentioned that issue already, of distraction, and I definitely agree.

You're doing great, WRITE.  It's a work in progress, sometimes a meandering one, but progress nevertheless.

Love, Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

WRITE

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #38 on: October 16, 2006, 06:58:38 AM »
I am sorry my insomnia was catching- though I feel incredibly grateful you would get up because you're thinking of me!

A huge storm here woke me up, I haven't been able to get back off. I'm pretty wound up I guess, though no pacing up and down or great agitation- it's like so much of that evaporated recently. I just feel confused and hurt.

Don't know what your crush guy is really like on the N-scale.  Maybe he is "one-directional" with everyone.  But he could also be doing a subtle power trip on you. 

it had occured to me too PP. 'Please, not the old weakness...' Why I get so attracted to N men I don't think I'll ever understand.

But he has a very South US conventional background and religion. Going to a local baptist church this morning, it was pretty nasty. I don't mean to disrespect anyone here who is Baptist, but I have studied it and what I saw today was an egotistical N-fest not what Baptism the faith was meant to be about. The guy talked about himself for an hour, how the members need to submit to him because he is leading them to G_d and it was the same as wives submitting to their husbands...( it's a mistranslation of the Greek 'arrangement' or 'co-operation' in a military context to facilitate order! Of course our concept of what a personal relationship is has changed and though patriarchy still persists more and more people do not believe women should be submissive or unequal. Not that that is what Paul says- men have translated it to mean what they wanted to) & a
bout how 1200 Southern Baptist ministers have this year lost their positions because of arguments about style and faith ( fundamental Baptist freedoms ) with their members.

Crush guy has said his own Baptist church has similar problems, but there has to be something strange about continuing to be in an organisation which you don't believe in, especially when it costs you 10 % of your income to attend and support those things!

Why doesn't he just say 'look, I'm not interested any more' is something I have asked myself. I also get the feeling I have hurt him, & I can't seem to put this right because he doesn't communicate what I've done or what he wants. It's like the moment he has my full attention he backs off. Maybe I'm just too intense for him.

Maybe he has a lot more going on & none of it's about me.

Or maybe I just stirred him up as he did me...

I read and internalised the Judith Sills book Hops recommended, and she sees it very much as a distance/ pursuit balancing act, but I see it more and more as playing games and just bloody tell me! We talked about everything else under the sun, it's not going to kill us if one is more interested than the other.

I wonder if he's picking up on the bipolar? I did try to tell him about it and have told him I get very intense and manic- he has commented on my energy at work etc,  but it's not something I just tell people the full story until I've got a reason to.

This is all new to me, dating, I don't really get how 'nomal' people do it, never mind me.

Letting crush guy gradually slip into the background might end up being a very good thing in the long run.  It also frees up your mind to work on issues.  He might be some kind of "drug" that distracts you.

yes, I think so.

But it has been helpful to teach me some stuff by seeing the process, and feeling rejection without falling apart.

That IS a first.

Email is too easy PP. It's a powerful instant method of communication which feeds right into any obsessive tendencies we might have. I mean who knows how many times we check emails? Only our own self-discipline and discernment governs what we do in this huge private space.

When I was sick my friend said to me 'you're being weird about email' and she was right, I was up on here every few minutes neurotically fussing about something.

that kind of tells me it was some kind of head game or power trip he was playing by mostly not responding in kind to my emails.

you're right. In all healthy encounters it goes back and forth doesn't it, even if one person is more forthcoming than the other, a brief response is in order or acknowledgemnt or feedback.

I feel concerned about the notion of fairly casual sex and using time and effort toward this man, for you, Write. I think you need to become your OWN lover, if the expression makes any sense. I'm not talking about sexuality, as much as just hoping you'll step forward in faith that you can fall in love with your own life now. As slowly and calmly as is right for you and keeps you safe and balanced.

received and understood Hops!

You are right, I felt so much better yesterday for a positive day with people who affirm me than today reaching out to someone who doesn't have the goodwill to respond one way or another.

I do tend to confuse people though, so I am happy to take responsibility for that.

And the whole thing is useful to me in showing me- why don't you back off or leave well alone the moment something doesn't feel right...that's the next piece of my puzzle, and I suspect it's another bit of this abandonned baby thing, trying desparately to engage someone to take care of or acknowledge me so I can survive or be taken care of.

How can I work on that?

Sorry for all the big rambling lately, thanks for listening to me and especially for connecting with me.






Portia

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #39 on: October 16, 2006, 08:18:17 AM »
Morning write :D

I'll try a bit of questioning to see if it goes anywhere:

Why don't you ask him "are you still interested?"

I also get the feeling I have hurt him, & I can't seem to put this right because he doesn't communicate what I've done or what he wants.

You could say: "Have I hurt you? Is there something I've done that didn't seem okay to you? Do you know what you want here?"

Maybe he has a lot more going on & none of it's about me.

Maybe. You could ask him!!! Did you ask him questions in your email? Asking questions is a good way of getting people to reply. Even a simple question like "How are you?" "How was your weekend/day/evening/did you enjoy......?" How many questions are in your email to him?

Or maybe I just stirred him up as he did me...

You won't know if you don't ask! ha... there's a theme running here .... 8)

We talked about everything else under the sun, it's not going to kill us if one is more interested than the other.

So did you talk about 'it'? Why does it have to be him that does it?

In all healthy encounters it goes back and forth doesn't it, even if one person is more forthcoming than the other, a brief response is in order or acknowledgemnt or feedback.

Not necessarily. I have friends who will talk for two hours with me and then not speak for 3 months even though I might contact them. It's a sort of co-inciding when we do talk. I understand they're busy and that to talk to me, they need to apply full attention, and they can't always do that (coz I'm intense too :D).

reaching out to someone who doesn't have the goodwill to respond one way or another.

 :o You sound angry now. He doesn't have goodwill - are you sure? Do you know how often he checks his email? Do you know for sure that he's seen your email? Questions questions.... facts before judgements.

trying desparately to engage someone to take care of or acknowledge me so I can survive or be taken care of.

How can I work on that?


Be aware that other people might want exactly the same thing and are looking for cues from you that you can do that for them. In other words, try to get inside their heads to understand them, instead of looking inside your own head for the answers. You won't find out about them, thinking in your head. Does that make any sense?

((((((((((((((write)))))))))))))))))

WRITE

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #40 on: October 16, 2006, 09:44:39 AM »
hi Portia

thanks for your questions. When I asked him directly 'have I upset you' he said no and smiled, I have no way of knowing with this guy what he's thinking 'cos he doesn't want me to know. When I said 'what do you want' he says he wants a girlfriend, which he knows I can't be right now. But even then it's not 'I want you for a partner', he's just enjoying me running around after him probably! It's getting to the point other people are noticing the dynamics between us, and I am starting to feel like an idiot.

My self-esteem isn't 100 % you know...nor my tolerance to stress.

It really isn't worth making myself sick over.

I'm not angry with him- the way I have been it's more than likely me who has caused any confusion or upset.

I think it's just best left, it's not the best time for me and it's stirring me up in a bad way now, I really need to focus.

Last night I didn't sleep partially it's knowing he'll be somewhere I'll be tonight, and here's another week gone by and why am I still thinking about him when I decided not to.

My son's sick this morning, maybe that's why he was so horrid last night, he's always been like that, ill-tempered when he went down with something.

I got very little sleep so it's probably a difficult day and I work all day Mondays, even a tea dance this evening!

I'm feeling avoidant, maybe I'll stay home after that, my son will probably want me here anyway.

WRITE

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #41 on: October 16, 2006, 10:11:23 AM »
I wrote all that and it's partially lack of sleep and anger with myself for exposing myslef emotionally whilst I am too vulnerable but I feel so frustrated too that these kinds of relationships have been so difficult all my life.

I know it's the guys I pick and I am sure I don't pay any attention to the nice steady guys who would treat me well, but it's a bit of a theme, this me racing around trying to understand what some man wants whilst what I want doesn't seem to hit the agenda.

This time I placed it higher on the agenda and instead of the guy being more receptive he became less.

I'm really frustrated and hurt- not with him personally- but with the fact I can't do this stuff.

The other relationships in my life are really fine on the whole, they'll just have to be enough, I can't do romantic love without it unbalancing my mind.

It's just too damn hard for me.

WRITE

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #42 on: October 16, 2006, 10:21:58 AM »
ps did I tell y'all my N friend emailed this week, haven't heard from him in over a year now his wife has left him it's 'I really need to talk to you'.

I told him he can email if he likes, I'm in no frame of mind for telephone conversations with yet another N, and he is the worst one not in terms of aggression but in making you feel like you've been through a wringer. I don't even talk to his wife my friend much about their marriage either- it's not a good idea to get in on anyone's marital problems.

Speaking of phone conversations I just told my ex, I am not happy with the fact he is constantly cursing and allowing my son to do so ( I mean completely no barriers, I'm not just being prissy ) and the negativity day in day out about everything.

Ex has now started distancing himself as he hears this broken record from me day in day out, that can only be a good thing.

Why have I been such an idiot and let these people drain me? Starting to fall apart again, and I only have myself to blame when I know stress is a trigger and I keep allowing life to get stressful.

pennyplant

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1067
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #43 on: October 16, 2006, 10:28:06 AM »
Why doesn't he just say 'look, I'm not interested any more' is something I have asked myself. I also get the feeling I have hurt him, & I can't seem to put this right because he doesn't communicate what I've done or what he wants. It's like the moment he has my full attention he backs off. Maybe I'm just too intense for him.

Oh, when they won't communicate even though you have asked and asked.... that is a power trip.  A few threads ago, I told a story about a co-worker and our supervisor who has no boundaries.  Co-worker thought for years they were close friends, then last spring some slights added up and she realized she was actually not as close as she had thought.  She was B-list.  This bothered her no end.  She wrote the supervisor several letters, the last one I read because supervisor showed me (yes, won't be doing that again).  She kept saying in the letter, Just tell me the truth!

Now, I know a version of the truth, which is that supervisor has become very uncomfortable with co-worker, calling her clingy and some other things such as maybe co-worker has some kind of crush on same-sex supervisor.  Did she tell any of that to co-worker?  No.  She thought about it a few days and handed back the letter saying, "You didn't have to pass a test to be my friend.  You can take this back and pretend it never happened or you can give it back to me...."  Leaving unsaid that things would be broken hereafter if the letter was given to supervisor and allowed to "be real".

Power and control.  Now co-worker seems to be grateful to be B-list.  Maybe it's not inner circle, but outer orbit of this phenomenal specimen of "friend" is better than nothing?!?!

Are you too intense for him?  No doubt you are.  He can't handle truth.  He can't handle emotions.  My N-co-worker said that to me in an email--"This is too much for me!!!  I can't handle this!!!!"  Then in the next paragraph, "Let's go back to being friends like we were before."  I am the same person now as I was before.  He just didn't know me that well before.  And he liked it better that way.  So, there is some truth for you directly from the brain of an N.

Letting crush guy gradually slip into the background might end up being a very good thing in the long run. It also frees up your mind to work on issues. He might be some kind of "drug" that distracts you.

yes, I think so.

But it has been helpful to teach me some stuff by seeing the process, and feeling rejection without falling apart.

That IS a first.

Email is too easy PP. It's a powerful instant method of communication which feeds right into any obsessive tendencies we might have. I mean who knows how many times we check emails? Only our own self-discipline and discernment governs what we do in this huge private space.

When I was sick my friend said to me 'you're being weird about email' and she was right, I was up on here every few minutes neurotically fussing about something.

Yes, yes, I agree whole-heartedly about what can be learned from having some level of relationship with these people we are drawn to so deeply.  When you go into it with eyes open, which now can happen with this new knowlege of voicelessness that we didn't have before, then we can learn such important things.  I guess the idea is to also pay attention to when the useful lessons cease, or when the personal growth has taken you beyond what this person offers.  As it is, they don't offer a lot, but they offer what they are capable of.  That has value in and of itself.  You did "stir him up" or none of this would be happening.  But he may not be capable of receiving all that you can give.  He may not be capable of giving much at all.  At some point it will die a natural death.  If you were in this without the knowlege of voicelessness you have, then it might spin out of control with the head games and power trips.  It is possible for this to be some kind of relationship with some caution and with a time limit--determined not necessarily in advance.  Just be alert, I would say, to when it turns the corner toward dying away and seems to be more past than present.  Don't force encounters.  Let them develop.  If son is sick, then stay home with him.  It also just happens that you would miss Crush guy, but so be it.  Son is important.  Crush guy is something else.  Life lesson maybe.  Be receptive to what comes along without trying to make it into something.

Your friend who told you you were getting weird about the email--what a good, good friend she is.  She is a keeper.  She is receptive to you and open.  Compare her to Crush guy.  He doesn't hold a candle I bet.

WRITE, you're learning some things that weren't taught you early in life.  My theory is that 14 is really awkward when you are 40.  But I was never really 14 so it was inevitable I suppose.  You can't skip stages and ages.  They wait for those openings and just pop right out regardless of appropriateness.

I want to thank you for your posts.  While our situations are not the same, lots of bells are ringing for me on this one.  It is such a help to know that others worry in similar ways and do similar things in order to understand and cope.  You are learning so much and will continue to do so.  Me too.

Oh, and Crush guy's church--that's a pretty crucial thing for you not to have in common.  All kinds of potential for unhappiness on that one.

These types seem really good at the physical chemistry thing.  Maybe it's a balance thing.  If they are that good at sexual attraction, then what is left for the other important ways for two people to connect?  The eternal, soul stuff.  I'm thinking that if you've got the eternal, soul kind of stuff with somebody, the sexual part will follow.  Just a theory since I seem to be a one man kind of woman.

I hope you can get some rest today, WRITE.

I think you're figuring it out, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

PP
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

WRITE

  • Guest
Re: Disappointment
« Reply #44 on: October 16, 2006, 11:04:43 AM »
Thanks PP

I think you're figuring it out, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

you're right, I do see a wobbly progression.

"Let's go back to being friends like we were before."  I am the same person now as I was before.  He just didn't know me that well before.  And he liked it better that way.

happens a lot- people say they want to be more connected but do they?!

Being connected means dealing with stuff.

Someone said here recently in their family they were always seen as stirring stuff up because they wanted to deal with stuff, mine were like that.

I'm thinking that if you've got the eternal, soul kind of stuff with somebody, the sexual part will follow.  Just a theory since I seem to be a one man kind of woman.

yes, and I can't do that until I am single and in a stable place emotionally.

It's frustrating too but the more well I get the less likely the relationship will be for me each time and the more I need to be selective to maintain the things I want my life to be about.

I wish I had someone to hold me though sometimes, life must feel better for that?