Why doesn't he just say 'look, I'm not interested any more' is something I have asked myself. I also get the feeling I have hurt him, & I can't seem to put this right because he doesn't communicate what I've done or what he wants. It's like the moment he has my full attention he backs off. Maybe I'm just too intense for him.
Oh, when they won't communicate even though you have asked and asked.... that is a power trip. A few threads ago, I told a story about a co-worker and our supervisor who has no boundaries. Co-worker thought for years they were close friends, then last spring some slights added up and she realized she was actually not as close as she had thought. She was B-list. This bothered her no end. She wrote the supervisor several letters, the last one I read because supervisor showed me (yes, won't be doing that again). She kept saying in the letter, Just tell me the truth!
Now, I know a version of the truth, which is that supervisor has become very uncomfortable with co-worker, calling her clingy and some other things such as maybe co-worker has some kind of crush on same-sex supervisor. Did she tell any of that to co-worker? No. She thought about it a few days and handed back the letter saying, "You didn't have to pass a test to be my friend. You can take this back and pretend it never happened or you can give it back to me...." Leaving unsaid that things would be broken hereafter if the letter was given to supervisor and allowed to "be real".
Power and control. Now co-worker seems to be grateful to be B-list. Maybe it's not inner circle, but outer orbit of this phenomenal specimen of "friend" is better than nothing?!?!
Are you too intense for him? No doubt you are. He can't handle truth. He can't handle emotions. My N-co-worker said that to me in an email--"This is too much for me!!! I can't handle this!!!!" Then in the next paragraph, "Let's go back to being friends like we were before." I am the same person now as I was before. He just didn't know me that well before. And he liked it better that way. So, there is some truth for you directly from the brain of an N.
Letting crush guy gradually slip into the background might end up being a very good thing in the long run. It also frees up your mind to work on issues. He might be some kind of "drug" that distracts you.
yes, I think so.
But it has been helpful to teach me some stuff by seeing the process, and feeling rejection without falling apart.
That IS a first.
Email is too easy PP. It's a powerful instant method of communication which feeds right into any obsessive tendencies we might have. I mean who knows how many times we check emails? Only our own self-discipline and discernment governs what we do in this huge private space.
When I was sick my friend said to me 'you're being weird about email' and she was right, I was up on here every few minutes neurotically fussing about something.
Yes, yes, I agree whole-heartedly about what can be learned from having some level of relationship with these people we are drawn to so deeply. When you go into it with eyes open, which now can happen with this new knowlege of voicelessness that we didn't have before, then we can learn such important things. I guess the idea is to also pay attention to when the useful lessons cease, or when the personal growth has taken you beyond what this person offers. As it is, they don't offer a lot, but they offer what they are capable of. That has value in and of itself. You did "stir him up" or none of this would be happening. But he may not be capable of receiving all that you can give. He may not be capable of giving much at all. At some point it will die a natural death. If you were in this without the knowlege of voicelessness you have, then it might spin out of control with the head games and power trips. It is possible for this to be some kind of relationship with some caution and with a time limit--determined not necessarily in advance. Just be alert, I would say, to when it turns the corner toward dying away and seems to be more past than present. Don't force encounters. Let them develop. If son is sick, then stay home with him. It also just happens that you would miss Crush guy, but so be it. Son is important. Crush guy is something else. Life lesson maybe. Be receptive to what comes along without trying to make it into something.
Your friend who told you you were getting weird about the email--what a good, good friend she is. She is a keeper. She is receptive to you and open. Compare her to Crush guy. He doesn't hold a candle I bet.
WRITE, you're learning some things that weren't taught you early in life. My theory is that 14 is really awkward when you are 40. But I was never really 14 so it was inevitable I suppose. You can't skip stages and ages. They wait for those openings and just pop right out regardless of appropriateness.
I want to thank you for your posts. While our situations are not the same, lots of bells are ringing for me on this one. It is such a help to know that others worry in similar ways and do similar things in order to understand and cope. You are learning so much and will continue to do so. Me too.
Oh, and Crush guy's church--that's a pretty crucial thing for you not to have in common. All kinds of potential for unhappiness on that one.
These types seem really good at the physical chemistry thing. Maybe it's a balance thing. If they are
that good at sexual attraction, then what is left for the other important ways for two people to connect? The eternal, soul stuff. I'm thinking that if you've got the eternal, soul kind of stuff with somebody, the sexual part will follow. Just a theory since I seem to be a one man kind of woman.
I hope you can get some rest today, WRITE.
I think you're figuring it out, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
PP
