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Mothers Day is closing in...

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rosencrantz:
http://www.inmamaskitchen.com/SEASONS/rebel-mother.html

This also relates to an earlier post about card and gift-giving which I can't find just now.  Click on the link above to find a short article written by a mother who realised that it would have been easy to become a martyred mom when her children grew up and 'forgot' her.  But she found a different way...

She found a way of meeting her own needs...by giving!  

I have chosen this kind of solution in the recent past - and if we are capable of doing this, then so can our own mothers.  (I'm clearly still trying to establish what makes 'appropriate' behaviour and what we have a 'right' to expect.  'They' seem to expect so much of us and so little of themselves.)

Perhaps they never thought of it this way - but I wonder if they would be open enough to the lesson if exposed to it?  I know that, if I have tried to share any of the solutions I have found in life, I have been met with scorn and spite.  Good grief!  

There are other ways of relating than through the creation of guilt!  And, yes, my mother should be capable of better and, yes, I deserve better. (I know, I wobbled for a bit, back there a few posts ago!!!)

R

PS Mother's Day is in March in the UK

Portia:
...........

rosencrantz:

--- Quote ---I’ve believed that she couldn’t take it, that I would hurt her, but now I know that’s not true – it’s me that would be hurt most. My mother is a ‘tough cookie’. And I’m not. I’ve been pretending, because I was told, am told now, how strong I am.
--- End quote ---


Our mothers were totally the opposite, Portia - she wanted too much of me - I was her, she was me.  She was in my face, in my relationships and noone was ever good enough.  She destroyed friendships before they even began.  I was hers and hers alone - although she believed she gave me my freedom to do whatever I wanted.  I guess I knew not to want!!! (And actually, it's not true anyway - I would often suggest a 'compromise' but it always had to be entirely her own way)

But the result is exactly the same.  Your description (quoted above) is exactly me to a T - I could have written that today.  I was thinking about exactly that last night.

To respond further to your post...

By saying 'If I can do this, then they can do it too', I meant that I (we) have a right to expect better and not be told (or tell myself) that I'm being demanding or expecting too much or in other ways allow myself to be belittled, made to feel guilty and put my mother's needs and feelings before my own.  I'm still not sure I've explained that right - but it's important to remember the heroics WE go through on their behalf and compare them to the little they do for US.  It means WE DON'T HAVE TO ANY MORE


--- Quote ---The phone line waited a beat and I continued to talk
--- End quote ---


The word 'Why?' burns into me here. I guess you've said that you didn't want to hurt her but I hope that from now on you will never let anything like that go past you again.  At least ask 'why'!!!  Confront the reality of her being the adult, the parent, the mother and demand your right to be loved!!!


--- Quote ---repeatedly tells you “my mother didn’t love me?”
--- End quote ---
Maybe she's telling you that's why she doesn't know how to do it herself - ???  

I do understand that she won't be able to in any 'normal' way - but challenge her to behave herself and act in a civilised way towards you!  We ALL deserve that, at least.

Not recognise you, indeed.  How very unclever!!!  (R exits left, muttering under her breath)

rosencrantz:
Sorry Portia - I wanted to reply to your post and wanted to express my own news and made a complete muddle!!  So now I've split my reply and added some more thoughts to the post above in reply to your own...  :shock:   Phew!  :lol:

BTW - I learnt from my husband to throw money at things you don't want to have to deal with.  No emotion needed!!  I send a £30 bunch of flowers via Tesco - it always goes down a treat!!!  Well, there was never any point sending anything that had my heart in it - and I often didn't send things cos I knew nothing would be good enough, perfect enough and so I just got stuck (rabbit in the headlights) until after the day had gone.  Just as pointless.  Plus someone delivers the flowers in a special van so the neighbours get to see!!!   :wink:

R

Portia:
Dear Rosencrantz, sorry I'm deleting, it's like clearing clutter..

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