Hi Everyone,
It’s been months since I posted, but I read your messages almost everyday. I have learned so much from each of you. Thank you. I hadn’t posted in a while, because I didn’t feel like I could give as much to others or be as supportive as I should be, because I feel like such a mess myself. But then I read some one else (Dragonsamm on the poll thread) saying something similar, which made me feel better. But I still feel so isolated most of the time.
My basic question is just this - what do you all think of anxiety meds? Are there any that don’t affect the libido? Are there any that I should avoid?
I should let you know in advance that this is a long ramble. Feel free to comment on just this, or if you want the long version of my question with context, read on…
I have had all this in my head too long. I feel so isolated and I forgot how good it feels to write it all down. Anyway, this is why I wanted to ask what you all think about anti-Anxiety meds - I have never been in touch with my emotions, other than depression, until I got into therapy about a year ago.
Now I realize that my life seems ruled by fear and anxiety. I don’t sleep well, I have anxiety attacks, I’m a mess in social situations. I feel paralyzed professionally and feel like I can’t move forward. I’m afraid all the time. I drink more alcohol than I would like to, and I watch too much TV in an attempt to quiet those nasty voices in my head (self-medication, I guess). Most of the day I talk back to them with things I learned here and elsewhere, but by the end of the day, I’m just too tired.
This feeds into an argument I had with my husband, who is usually sweet and supportive, but sometimes defensive and impatient with my healing process. I think he is annoyed and confused sometimes now that I am not as much of an empathic people-pleaser (from N upbringing) as I once was. We are in couples counseling.
Last night my husband and I fought about his pot smoking. I don’t like it and tried to set a boundary with him recently, telling him that I don’t want to be around him when he is high. Last night when he was high (self-medicating, too, I think), he came into to see me (I was watching TV and having a drink, of course). He got mad when I asked him to please respect my boundary and leave me alone until he came down from his high (maybe I am throwing stones from within a glass house).
I think there are two issues here
1) normally I would have caved in and pretended to enjoy hanging out with him (people-pleasing), and he is hurt and confused now that I am doing something different.
2) I am increasingly uncomfortable with both of our self-medicating.
We will probably discuss this argument in with our marriage councilor in a couple weeks. I know I can only control my own actions. I will try to drink less alcohol, join a gym to exercise, and look into anxiety meds. Although my therapist suggested I consider meds on a couple different occasions, I have avoided them until now, in part because most (?) have a side affect of lowering the libido. My libido is low to begin with (linked to childhood sexual abuse and later promiscuity in search of “love” and attention – similar experiences other ACONs have shared on earlier threads – thanks for sharing those!). Plenty of sources for anxierty in my life. I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do. I feel paralyzed.
Whew! I reached a dead end and don’t know what else to say. Guess it must be time to take a deep breath and post. I welcome any and all comments.
Thanks again to you all.
Best thing about posting here is that we find all our sibling twins, separated at birth.
I also find it very difficult to post sometimes. I write something, and then when I look at it, the words seem trite, and lacking in energy. They go flat, and seem really stupid. I write 'You have to have compassion for yourself too', and when I read it it looks like 'you can be as selfish and thoughtless as I am', and I delete it in shame. Shame is a very nasty feeling.
And when I do manage to post, for a while it is all about me, and how hard it is, and how I am struggling, and then I feel like I am taking and taking, and that people here will get fed up with that and tell me to get a life, the same as those around me do.
But then, if you get that far, and manage to post without deleting, and read some responses, it changes, and the fears start to melt away as you see that there is understanding, and acceptance, and the perfectionism in our heads is not reflected in what we find.
So, finally to get from me (selfish!!!) to you, there are several points I would like to make. The first is that you are aware of the situation you are in, and you are doing what you can to work towards a better life. That is such a wonderful position to be in; maybe one in a hundred couples even get that far!! Second, even though you are a couple, and have a strong relationship, you recognise that you are not just half of one, but half of two. Which means that you are allowed to set your own boundaries, and to live by them.
Perhaps you could explain to your husband that setting a boundary like this is not just protecting yourself. It is also protecting part of him, and it is an important part of any relationship. You are, imo, right to ask him to keep away during times when you are not prepared to have him around. Whether this is because of drugs, or even if it were just garlic breath, you do have this right.
I think you are doing very well to have counselling, and I wish you well with it.
In terms of your own alcohol intake, I think you are right to be concerned about it. Alcohol is a depressant, as has already been said, and it will make you feel better in the very short term, but worse in the medium and longer term. If you use it as self medication, it is likely to prove self defeating. I am not the best person to comment on anxiety medication. I have had various meds in the past, but at present prefer not to take anything on a regular basis. I have St John's wort in the cupboard for days when I feel the need for a slight lift, and I have Diazepam to use if it is going to be beyond me to cope without anything. (I don't take them together.) But mostly, I manage, because I know my own condition, and (I think) I know the worst bits well enough now to ride them out. I think anything that upsets the body's natural chemistry is to be used with caution, and I prefer to stick to what I know. I use a ritual cup of tea as a calming device, which I think is very English. I know the cup of tea actually effects nothing whatever, but if it calms my mood enough to face the next few hours, then where is the harm in that? If I feel like a 'proper' drink, then I have tonic water, ice and lemon. Looks and tastes like a grown up alcoholic drink, but it is not going to affect my mood two hours later.
God, now I have this 'I know it all, I am where it is at, and if you follow me you can't go wrong' feeling about what I have posted. So, to clarify, I know very little about anything, which is more than most of my family, but still leaves me struggling. And you really, really, don't want to follow me where I am.
