Disappointment

[pennyplant]

I wish I had someone to hold me though sometimes, life must feel better for that?

Yes, that's the difficult one.  I have no answers on that one.  Even though I have my husband, who is the real deal in all ways, I still have that weakness with N-co-worker.  I won't lie about it and pretend it is easy.  It is not easy at all.  The physical part, the sexual attraction, is very powerful, probably in all people.  We all need it, I think.  I think anyone can give in to it under certain circumstances.  That is perhaps why the people who can't do emotions and truth well, do use sexuality so well.  And it works so well.  It sure worked on me.  Maybe I shouldn't call it a weakness.  Maybe it just is.....

Would he just hold you sometimes?  Is that possible with Crush guy?  Real question.  Sometimes I think my N-co-worker should just hold me once in awhile.  And that it would be enough.  I mean, somewhere in there he is just a little boy whose daddy and mommy died.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm being very naive and foolish here.  I know for sure that my N-co-worker has some really immature, uber-male fantasies.  Really, I feel more myself if he is a very small part of my life.  Small doses of him have a very powerful effect on me.  Not just me.  Other females he works the magic on, too.  Red flag?  Probably.

Maybe just be cautious, WRITE.  With anybody who has such an effect on you so effortlessly.  Going slow is not cutting them out of your life completely.  Going slow lets you put them in the right place in your life.

PP

Added on edit:  WRITE, I'm telling myself this stuff, too.  In re-reading my posts, it comes off as me having answers.  I don't have answers.  I'm not doing these "smart" things all the time.  Just going along here and trying out my ideas and what I've learned in this place and what I'm learning as I muddle along figuring out why certain people are in my life and have a certain kind of impact on me.  Truly I don't want to advise anyone, not even me.  Just want to think outloud and maybe get a little closer to what might work and what might feel better.  Each issue you bring out here does that for me as well.  To me, this is the good stuff.

[Hopalong]

Hi Write--
I can't imagine anything more useful that the understanding you're already receiving.... Especially PP's. I do identify, so much, with what you're going through. Here's why:

Although I'm not diagnosed bi-polar it's been suspected and I definitely get overstimulated, manic and-- in the past--absolutely obsessed in romantic relationships. I have been on the edge of my seat with anxiety about every contact, constantly wringing out my sweaty brain and checking to see if their face left an imprint on the washcloth like a holy shroud (oh lawd, poets should be disciplined for letting fly such crappy metaphors)...

And such desperate, no-question-about-it ADDICTIVE, COMPULSIVE, OBSESSIVE emailing. It's been a few years since my big emotional crash with the next-to-last Nbf (unbelievably, it took one more for good measure). But every single thing you said about your recent communications and off-balance feelings and worries and anxiety and circling thoughts and preoccupation about your relationship to El Crusho is such a mirror of what I went through.

I had assigned love as a job that had to come from the outside in. It's been a couple years now since I hit bottom, and by every measure, life is better. No bf now, and I have accepted that it takes the ime it takes, and I have little control other than learning to be happy and feeling receptive. Good enough.

I really do think Escape from Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaef could be enormously helpful to you right now.

Be good to yourself, dear Write. No judging whether you're figuring everything out about being newly single or dating or paying the plumber all at once. THERE IS TIME.

There really is time. To walk through the transition, rest up, enjoy music, let an Alzheimer's patient hug you back...seek out a support group for divorced people (every town has them)...just cuddle up to yourself as though you're a fascinating book and every page is turning at the right time and nobody is telling you, read faster!

You take YUUR time. If somebody's too slow, or too fast, for you, that's fine. You can say a peaceful bye-bye and keep walking your path. You'll have company when the time is right and you can't force it.

(Spoken by one who learned that after way too much wreckage).

hugs, (my arm's sticking out of your monitor!) 

Hops

[WRITE]

thanks Hops and PP

yes it is really hard with bipolar- the sex drive is part of the illness and I didn't even go on the bravery thread because I am such a risk taker it's beyond brave and nuts half the time.

I have to get in a place I can manage things though, and that needs to happen before I am ready for a relationship.

It's just someone new comes into my life and the next thing I am carried away and all these stupid things creep in and make it impossible to centre and balance.

And since that's the way to manage my illness and myself...I can't allow it.

To walk through the transition, rest up, enjoy music, let an Alzheimer's patient hug you back...seek out a support group for divorced people (every town has them)...just cuddle up to yourself as though you're a fascinating book and every page is turning at the right time and nobody is telling you, read faster!

You take YUUR time. If somebody's too slow, or too fast, for you, that's fine. You can say a peaceful bye-bye and keep walking your path. You'll have company when the time is right and you can't force it.

I'll try.

Going slow is not cutting them out of your life completely.  Going slow lets you put them in the right place in your life.

I'll try.

Ok. More work....

[Portia]

Hello Write

It's getting to the point other people are noticing the dynamics between us, and I am starting to feel like an idiot.
What do other people say? This is good – feedback, other people’s impressions: you don’t have to agree with their impressions, but it can be helpful to see what others see?
 
I'm not angry with him- the way I have been it's more than likely me who has caused any confusion or upset.
Who is experiencing confusion or upset? Besides you? Let’s say it’s only you that feels confused and upset. Who else does that hurt? Nobody. Your feelings do not directly affect other people (other than your son who is still going to be directly affected I imagine, although I don’t know).

So you’re blaming yourself above (?) for causing confusion and upset? And yet you’re the one who feels it. So is blame necessary, or is it more realistic to think: “I’m confused and upset and I’m responsible for how I feel. And that’s okay.”

me racing around trying to understand what some man wants whilst what I want doesn't seem to hit the agenda.
Well, me and you and others, we’re all used to giving our mothers / fathers what they want, and not thinking we’re worth being loved for what we are: being loved without having to work so hard at it. So we work too hard and in the process, lose sight of ourselves. We lose ourself in the other person. Yuk. Sounds ‘desperate’ to me. Do you want to date a ‘desperate’ man ; how does his desperation make you feel? Shock tactics.

ps did I tell y'all my N friend emailed this week, haven't heard from him in over a year now his wife has left him it's 'I really need to talk to you'.

His wife left him??? Ha! Well well. Chickens roosting and so on. You know the answer to his statement, his demand? “Well I really need NOT to talk to you!”. Oh does it feel good to have him say he neeeeeeeds to talk to you, coz only you can understand, only you are able to offer him succour? You, special you!   
These people. They’re sick. But then you know that he’s sick, a user. Use is abuse!

Someone said here recently in their family they were always seen as stirring stuff up because they wanted to deal with stuff, mine were like that.

Ditto! Yeah! Don’t ask questions, don’t ‘cause trouble’, don’t be a ‘stirrer’. Makes me wonder how many sordid nasty little secrets my family had. Or it could just be a product of the local attitude – don’t question your ‘betters’. Etc. It's a crock of manure.

I wish I had someone to hold me though sometimes, life must feel better for that?

I hug myself every so often. It’s possible. ((((((((((((((((((((((write))))))))))))))))))))


Hops

I have been on the edge of my seat with anxiety about every contact, constantly wringing out my sweaty brain and checking to see if their face left an imprint on the washcloth like a holy shroud (oh lawd, poets should be disciplined for letting fly such crappy metaphors)...

I like that! But we do that sometimes, obsessional stuff. It depends if you’re happy when you sniff his socks, or wracked with pain at his absence I guess. No discipline necessary. What do you think?

just cuddle up to yourself as though you're a fascinating book and every page is turning at the right time and nobody is telling you, read faster!

Warm and comforting like a darn good novel and a box o chocolates on a cold wet night!

[Hopalong]

Hi P,
When I was in that relationship with the first N I knew was an N (I do have him to thank for telling me about the concept, as he was always on about his mother being one...so I naively assumed, well of course HE couldn't be this terrible thing himself!)....

When I was in that relationship, the anxiety over lack of contact, pace, did he really care, was this the Real Relationship I'd been yearning for--was horrendous. It wasn't the happy affection you might feel over someone's socks, or clean desire/yearning you might feel for your partner who's away on a trip.

It was just horrible, off-balance, universe off its axis, can't-be-happy-until-I-hear-from-him obsessive anxiety. Physically, like lots of caffeine plus a little PSTD. Mentally, well...couldn't think much about anything else. And that was likely the most destructive thing. Practically, it meant I abandoned interest in my own life, because all I could think about most of the day was him.

It was a horrible state and I never want to experience it again.

[WRITE]

Thank you P & Hops.

When I was in that relationship, the anxiety over lack of contact, pace, did he really care, was this the Real Relationship I'd been yearning for--was horrendous. It wasn't the happy affection you might feel over someone's socks, or clean desire/yearning you might feel for your partner who's away on a trip.

It was just horrible, off-balance, universe off its axis, can't-be-happy-until-I-hear-from-him obsessive anxiety. Physically, like lots of caffeine plus a little PSTD. Mentally, well...couldn't think much about anything else. And that was likely the most destructive thing. Practically, it meant I abandoned interest in my own life, because all I could think about most of the day was him.

yes I have been here sort-of too, when I say sort-of it doesn't last too long with me, tips me over into bipolar mental illness after a few weeks, usually mania.

It is a physical state- all that cortisol and adrenalin racing around. As you say- horrd.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It is a very powerful distraction from emptiness though, and my marriage was just so sterile even now I don't think my ex realises how much he's hurt me and continues to hurt our family with his obliviousness.

Oh does it feel good to have him say he neeeeeeeds to talk to you, coz only you can understand, only you are able to offer him succour? You, special you!

if it were in person I can cope with him better because it's easy to challenge him, on the phone he just goes on and on, in fact you remember 'One foot in the grave' where Victor puts down the phone to Mrs Warboys and just keeps going back out of politeness every few minutes and saying yes, yes...it's like that.

I do love him, he has a very generous streak at times, and we've had some nice times together and he is one of the few people who has seen me really ill and just opened his home to me. He drove all night to get to me once when my family were worried about me, but so typically he left after a few hours and didn't think to get me some meds ( he's a doctor ) or take me to hospital!

He will be wanting support in his battle against his wife not support for anything else, that's why I'm not calling. His wife and I talk very openly about our situations and men, she has made it hard for herself by choosing to stay for the lifestyle, but he just got worse until he drove her away.

N people do that. We think it's us who are making the decision but it was them- they want our closeness but can't handle it really and hate us for it.

Re crush guy- much more perspective today. Got stuck in terrible rain here yesterday ( loads of flooding and 2 people drowned ) so had time to reflect.

The issues in all this for me are:

*having a relationship and the hormones etc not triggering my bipolar
( my body is extremely sensitive to changes and particularly falling in love, that euphoria and sleeplessness, I get sick )

*sharing the bipolar with the other person- at what point, how without scaring them etc
( this is a real problem, Kay Redfield Jamison writes about it too, people's reaction to mental illness can be very stereotypical but they pick up on it anyway and wonder subtly what's going on...she says she's never found an ideal solution and just accepts that if someone can't handle the thought of a mental illness she probably doesn't need to be too close to them anyway and that not everyone is overwhelmed or repulsed by it )

*staying on track with divorce and good relations with ex
( this is going well but I have made a firm decision I cannot bring anyone in on the dynamics right now- it's fragile and my ex though he's making practical steps to move on is very difficult to predict. His responses are usually mean in the short-term then he is sorry, but he's extreme and would think nothing of trashing me or another person in his angry miserable state. Things between us are based around my son and we've slowly dropped the rest of our 'friendship' him too, as it didn't feel healthy any more. We discuss practical stuff and our boy and more general things, and interestingly I have been a bit ill the past few days and he has backed right off! I've been on 'broken record mode' too about the behaviours he's allowing my son to witness- negativity and unpleasant talk, he knows I am right but he is so resistant to changing...)

*do I need more therapy around close relationships & my past?

*crush guy himself and what's going on with him

Pennyplant said Just want to think outloud and maybe get a little closer to what might work and what might feel better. and I am finding it very useful to bring things here and have y'all feed back what I'm doing/ thinking...apologies to anyone who is sick of hearing me, skip this thread!

****

last night I did go to the chorus and I did wait for crush guy and talk to him after. He seemed pleased to see me, I asked if everything was okay between us, he said 'absolutely' and that he's going to write to me. He doesn't look very happy in himself, maybe he has soemthing going on he doesn't want to talk about ( who doesn't! ) but I would rather have him as a superficial friend than let some more tension build between us and we end in avoiding each other completely.

It struck me yesterday I am acting as though this is the be all and end all of my relationships, when it's not, but that's a typical over reaction for me and something I need to manage.

I've not been managing my illness as well lately, because I've been busy I've been letting the energy levels build to get more doen- and now I'm suffering the stress and anxiety which comes with it.

Anywy, crush guy- I told him it's important to me, a correspondence, & it is. It's how I maintain closeness without overwhelming me or the other person. And it's also a boundary for me in this friendship which is moving towards romance: if he refuses to 'give' me that he's not going to be able to 'give' in other ways I suspect- or maybe he just needs some time to adjust to my very different ways of behaving and thinking.

I'm going to give us both some space, I really have to learn that instead of pushing.

Does this make more sense ( or some sense  )

[WRITE]

ps
the happy affection for someone's socks- quote of my day! That'll make me smile, there's a poem in that.

[reallyME]

Hi WRITE and all

I'm heading out to my Interpersonal Communications and swim class at college shortly, but popped in here to see if there was anything I might like to comment or share on.

WRITE, I had the type of situation, not with Jodi, but with a Borderline Personality Disorder person before her, who also bordered on N'ism.  I will call her Dawn.  Dawn took over my life because I let her, because I enjoyed her, because I wanted her to.  I was bipolar and didn't know it back then; I was codependent and did not know that yet either.  I got very close to Dawn for 3 and a half years.  We ministered together online in voice rooms, I even spent a month with her.  I began to see some things that were really not right with her, so I talked to some people and asked them simply to PRAY for her.

 These people ended up going right to her regarding my prayer requests, and all hell broke loose!  At one point, Dawn's husband and I had a talk as to "how could you do this to your best friend."  I said to him, "you SEE IT TOO!  Why are you not confronting her and dealing with this behavior in her?  Why does your entire family seem to act like it just isn't going on, like she isn't trying to control and manipulate everyone in her sight with "religion"  How can you just ignore what she's doing?"  His response was "if I had a best friend I was concerned about, I would address the situation with him, not go to everyone else about it."  I told the husband, "I was concerned so I asked some people that I thought I could trust, if they would pray for her, and they went back to her instead of just praying.  THere IS a problem with Dawn and since nobody seems to want to address it, I now have.  I realize that makes me the enemy and that is a position I am willing to hold.  But please tell Dawn to call me so I can talk to her."

Well, Dawn never called me back and it ended up with me BEGGING in tears on her answering machine, calling 8 times one day, telling her that she was right, I was crazy and needed in-patient treatment, so where do I call to get help.  She never picked the phone up cause I sounded so crazy. 

I did end of going to the hospital, telling them I felt like I was losing my mind.  The psychiatrist at the hospital, after hearing my story, told me "that lady, who used to be an anorexic, is now in need of controlling the nearest and easiest thing to her...that happened to be you, so just put some space between you and her and you will be just fine.  Well, that's what I did.  I stopped calling her, I went to Codep Annonymous and then I met JODI, and you already know most of that situation, so I won't go into it right here.

As far as telling people that I'm bipolar, well, I simply say "I have this problem in my brain that causes me to have severe mood swings.  It is known as bipolar II disorder or Cyclothymic Mood Disorder.  If I'm not on my meds that help my brain to work normally, I will get very angry with you over stupid little things, I will often sound irrational, and sometimes I will get very depressed about life.  I did nothing to cause this disorder.  It got worse as I got older.  If a person cannot accept you even with this issue, then you don't need to be with them, period.


BPD and N people do evoke craziness in us.  As I eventually told Dawn after Jodi then burned her after ditching me and replacing with Dawn and then later replacing Dawn for Cindy..."Jodi is sick.  YOu can't expect someone who is SICK to behave as a well person, Dawn.  SIck people will act SICK.  Mentally ill people will act mentally ill.

Often we just try to analyze our situations too much, WRITE.  If that happens, we need meds or we need counseling or something.  Life is really not as complicated as we sometimes see it to be.  If there is a crazy person on the loose, we need to stay away from them or at least have boundaries that they are not allowed to cross.  It's just simple.

~ReallyME

[Hopalong]

Write, that's an amazing post and yes, you should keep posting all you like...as long as an encyclopedia, I ain't bored and doubt anybody else is either! You are so smart you are going to get a grip on this.

But it's still a little slippery for you:
waiting for him, seeking him out, asking him for reassurance, asking him for a correspondence, hanging on his promise to write you, ratcheting up the importance of his writing... So now there you are again. Handing him your well-being on a plate, with parseley.

Hon, you're on the pendulum and I DO NOT JUDGE. I do feel it's like addiction. Or it was for me.

Again (and if you're bored with this, I won't blame you!  ) I do feel that Escape from Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaef could be very useful to you right now.

Sending love, lots of understanding, and so many "been there's"...it really can change. Don't hurt yourself by staying hooked. It's like velcro tape, sometimes you just have to unhook one little hook at a time, but have faith, you'll get free of it. ---


RM,
Your explanation of bipolar is so lucid. I imagine it triggered shame when Dawn heard (from the gossips) that you'd asked people to pray for her. People so do not want to be viewed as needing help. Thank god we have this board where that kind of shame is truly NOT the point!

hugs,
Hops

[pennyplant]

Yes, WRITE, everything you say makes sense.  In fact, everyone who is posting about bi-polar and their experiences with it is being so forthcoming and helpful.  Even for those of us who haven't been diagnosed with this illness, so much of it rings a bell, for me anyway.  So much of it applies when I compare some of the things I do to deal with the pain in my life.  I'm not saying that when things have gone badly for me I think it is "just illness".  I think I'm saying that real pain and real losses have a significant impact.  This is how it is when you face that impact.

WRITE, I wonder what the impact on your relationship with Crush guy will be when you get back to managing the illness.  I think I understand why you have let the energy have more free rein.  I believe that if I could do that, I would, because it is so discouraging to see all around me what I have to let slide because I just don't have the energy or will to tackle all of it.  I do have ups and downs, but only the depressed part of it becomes extreme in me.  The "up" part of it just can't go far for long with me.  I don't have the physicality to sustain it.

But I'm assuming that you will go back to managing the bi-polar so as not to get too close to psychosis.  And I wonder how getting back to management of symtoms will impact your feelings about Crush guy.  Your thinking seems sound about keeping Crush under control so as not to impact the divorce, your creativity, your livelihood, your son and your friends.  It is the feelings side of it that is the variable.  The pain it causes.  I think that part of it is important too.

Also, I'm wondering how the feelings for Crush guy might be related to earlier periods of your life that might still need to be grieved.  This may sound like it is coming from left field.  But I've been paying attention to what comes up for me personally as I read this thread.  And yesterday while I was thinking about my own situation with N-co-worker and the email addiction, my husband brought up some things from the past, as he wants to work on what he carries around too.  And we were talking about some events from the last few years and it brought up some grief for me.  And it seemed so close to the surface, these events of several years ago.  They are still hurting me even when I don't think about them hardly at all.  And why would such seemingly unrelated events bubble up when I'm thinking about current hurtful relationships?  Well, that is how I have processed grief.  And abandonment.  Betrayal.  That is how I have distracted myself from that pain.  And that is how I have lived with the fact that some of those events were my fault and I can't change them.  And I don't want to own them.  And the people I have drawn to myself and gotten attached to and hurt by also carry similar events around with them.  And they also don't want to own them or think about them.

It's all related in my opinion.

And if you work on managing something as big as the bi-polar and if I work on managing my addictive behaviors then it all may be affected.  But maybe in good ways.  Not good-bye ways.  Do you see what I mean?  That it is possible to make it all manageable.  Not have to dismiss these people.  The Crush guys.  But not let them hurt us either.  And to do this by managing the coping behaviors.  Really reining them in.

You've sort of got a list it seems.  I have one too.  It's not complete.  But some of it is:

Taking care of my body by getting enough rest and eating better.
Doing well at work since I need to stay gainfully employed to do my part to take care of our home and family.
Taking care of my heart and soul by facing my real life, my real feelings, my real past.
Starting to focus on what goes on around me, my family and friends, listening better, being open, being receptive, in real ways, getting out of my head.
Starting to identify what I want the future to hold such as a better, smaller home that we can handle and healthier friends who we really like.
Tapping into my creativity.

My list seems somewhat overwhelming to me.  Maybe over a lifetime it will be possible, though.

Your list makes a lot of sense and seems like it contains important things.  Things that would make a very full life.  Maybe Crush guy should be in small doses for quite awhile.  S&S has a really good idea for the physical part.  I've never had a massage, but friends of mine who have really benefitted a lot from them.  It is physical and emotional with the right person.  And manageable.  Healing.

Yes, WRITE, keep going with this as you can.  This is really good.

Pennyplant

[WRITE]

If there is a crazy person on the loose, we need to stay away from them or at least have boundaries that they are not allowed to cross.  It's just simple.

Thanks RM.

Sometimes I have been that crazy person though, so I am pretty empathetic when someone else acts out. I think the difference with the personality disorders is the lack of change- it's not like helping someone temporarily over a crisis- they are the crisis!

Living with bipolar is difficult, but not impossible, I am determined to have my best life even if I have to modify things or rely on medication sometimes.

there you are again. Handing him your well-being on a plate, with parseley.

Thanks Hop!

That's it in a nutshell though isn't it- if I am enjoying my life and other relationships and controlling obsessive behaviours I should not hang around waiting for him to write etc. I've left a door open for him ( I like him and really do want to hear what he has to say ) but it's down to me not to keep checking every 5 minutes if he's coming through it!

I'll check out the book again and see if anything strikes me relating to physiological addiction.

I do think part of it though is trying out my feelings in a relatively safe way. I've never had a relationship on the level I would like to and I want to know how to handle my reactions to it.

My therapist said to me a couple of years ago 'before you can risk a relationship you need to know you can cope if it goes wrong'. Well I can cope with rejection now, but I have no idea how I will cope with the physiological and emotional responses. Lusting after this guy has at least let me experience some of that and shown me how I react.

About him- another thing which struck me earlier is- if I am not willing to commit and tell him how I feel and if he feels the same go into a relationship with him, I can't expect him to wait. I can't expect him to put his life on hold just because mine is, and if he meets someone else I need to take it with good grace and accept it wasn't meant to be and someone else will come along at a better time for me.

One of the reasons I try to reframe things positively is because all my emotions and behaviours get amplified by the bipolar, if I am jealous or angry or mean it is so distorted; I've trained myself not to stuff the feelings but to find appropriate places to express them.

That's why I value here so much.

I'm wondering how the feelings for Crush guy might be related to earlier periods of your life that might still need to be grieved.  This may sound like it is coming from left field.  But I've been paying attention to what comes up for me personally as I read this thread.

Absolutely! Thanks PP.

There's my neglectful early years and almost pathological need to be emotionally independent. And also little paranoid things left over from my marriage, where I was so often rejected and humiliated.

how I have lived with the fact that some of those events were my fault and I can't change them.  And I don't want to own them.  And the people I have drawn to myself and gotten attached to and hurt by also carry similar events around with them.  And they also don't want to own them or think about them.

I don't know about can't change things. We can't tell other people how to respond but it's okay to say 'I made a mistake' or 'I am sorry' or 'I changed my mind' even just to leave it at that?

Yes, WRITE, keep going with this as you can.  This is really good.

Thanks, it is for me, like I say apologies to anyone whose eyes glazed over way back

[Plucky]

Hi Write,
Maybe I gave you bad advice.  This sounds a lot more complex than I realised.  I imagine that the last thing you need right now is another item to work through.  You have enough on your plate with managing the Ex, carving out the life without him,  and your adorable little son.

I'll just stick to saying I support you, am in your corner,  think you are nice and I'm listening.
Plucky

[WRITE]

no Plucky, not at all. Bad advice is advice given out of spite or projection. You just gave me a wider perspective on it, and you were right. I do have to brave the partial relationship in order to get to the place of full relationships!

I'm not just going to wake up one day and he's beside me in bed and we've got the perfect mutual set-up.

And I do have to be strong in myself so that I can take care of my illness side, and my emotional history side, and still have pleasant encounters with people in everyday life and not be demoralised when things aren't perfect.

My life's never going to be perfect- too too many factors. But then is anyone's? Everybody has something they'd rather not be dealing with!

Crush guy did write to me this morning, so Portia was right too, he was confused about what I am wanting him to do. I have been confused and ambivalent myself.

And you are also right here Plucky- I need to focus especially on my son who is growing up fast, and on carving out a good life for us irrespective of who my life partner might be or no life partner. I can do that.

I am lonely and needing that hug, and Hops you should know a client I've not met before came over and held me yesterday at work, she said 'doesn't that make you feel warm inside?!' You were right.

Yesterday I took a small amount of seroquel at bedtime and slept 10 hours, that will immediately calm down the growing mania. I am getting much better at this, and I can't tell you how much difference it's made to give up alcohol, caffeine, junk food, toxic relationships....it just feels like a lot of balls in the air at one time to juggle whilst I'm in limbo of divorcing/ moving house/ building a livelihood.

G_d takes care of me though, I do trust in that.

Thanks all, will try to read Storm's story thread later. Off to meet a dear friend for lunch and chat with a baby! Plenty hugs forthcoming there...

 

[Portia]

Hope you enjoy chatting with the baby, write!

You said something a while back, i think on this thread, about your various activities all adding up to 'you' - I think you meant that you have your music and alz. work and writing and art and maybe you felt you 'should' (!) concentrate on one and make that the big thing? and that now you're seeing alllll those things as making up the work you do?

I liked that way of thinking and then I wondered: the life partner idea. The one and only etc.

Having male friends - say you had a number of male friends that you did things with - cinema, food whatever - they could all be your friends and maybe one day, one would be more. But in the meantime, could you enjoy their friendship without the romance/bed side? I know that this ain't easy by any means....maybe you could wear a badge: 'only available for friendship right now'!

take care ((((((((write))))))))

[WRITE]

say you had a number of male friends that you did things with - cinema, food whatever - they could all be your friends and maybe one day, one would be more. But in the meantime, could you enjoy their friendship without the romance/bed side? I know that this ain't easy by any means....maybe you could wear a badge: 'only available for friendship right now'!

Hi P

you know this was exactly what I was trying to do! I thought if I cultivated guy friends it would be a good healthy substitute for a relationship I am not ready for.

But guys don't see me this way. I'm not drop dead gorgeous or anything close so they are all pally at first and think I am really cool, a good friend. I never see a romantic interest coming but actually most of my guy friends have become potential or actual partners even if it was just intense attraction or a fling. Maybe it's a boundary I'm not setting because of the bipolar intensity thing?

Also I admit I do love to be undisciplined, I can see I frustrate people trying to advise sometimes because I don't believe much in relationship rules. Love goes where it will....I'm a free spirit so long as there is nothing abusive or potentially abusive or hurtful going on.

I have currently told my friends I am not dating until I am divorced, and I'll try to be more consistent even if I want to rip someone's clothes off like with crush guy!

people sense it though don't they, even if it's unspoken and 'against the rules'...   

'The one and only'

I think when you meet someone who comes close to your fantasy ideal it feels that way, but I really believe there is potential in many relationships not this one blinding flash and that's it.

Even if they were your soul-mate it's still a lot of work getting from that to a mutual working relationship and communicating on the same level.

You too P ((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) You having a good week?