Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?
Trapped in the Mirror - Adult Children of Ns and Their Struggle for Self
towrite:
--- Quote from: axa on November 23, 2006, 07:00:29 AM ---I have not read this book but have been thinking and working on my addiction to the N. And yes, I do think it is an addiction. I want to be seen by the blind and heard by the deaf. It is such a waste of energy and my life. I plead, beg, explain, bargain anything in the hope of being visible. I have done a lot of work on myself over the years due to my emotional damage by N parents. I feel that in some ways I took on their traits. I want it my way, yes I am willing to compromise but ultimately I want the relationship the way I see fit. I have difficulty accepting the difference of another.
I am not saying it is all my fault but I continue to look to the N to fill the hole in me. In my adult head I know no one else can do it but still I look and hope. POLLYANNA.....my middle name!!!!!!
By loving the N I somehow seem to believe that in "curing" him I can "cure" myself. I know this is not true and yet again and again i look in the same place for what is not there.
I had an interesting therapy session yesterday where I struggled with my projections onto him. My fear that if I left him he would be so alone in the world. In reality this is not true. he is very good at looking after himself. There is some huge connection with my abandonment of him being tied with my abandonment of the needy part of myself. And I am soooooooooooo needy emotionally. There is a voice in my head now saying but I just want everything to be okay. I want to laugh with him, amuse him, take care of him as if somehow this will be my salvation. The adult in me knows that my salvation must come from myself and yet I am so hooked into the pattern.
I would welcome comment.
axa
--- End quote ---
I want to be seen by the blind and heard by the deaf. It is such a waste of energy and my life. I plead, beg, explain, bargain anything in the hope of being visible. WOW axa - what an eye opening statement!!! :shock: Never thought about my own addiction like that. Many thanks.
towrite
bigalspal:
Wow AXA,
"I want to be seen by the blind & heard by the deaf"
That is so powerful!! :shock:
That describes me & my N mother to an absolute T!
When she calls me (rarely) & I'm freaking out on the inside & begging for her to "get it".
I cannot SAY anything to her. If I do, she SHUTS DOWN RIGHT AWAY!
So, I've given up. But, I guess I'm not strong enough for NC just yet. THrough this board, I hope to be one day. So...I just listen to her prattle on about her flowers!
All the while dying inside.
GOD HELP US ALL!
Bigalspal
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