Author Topic: This kind of anger  (Read 6642 times)

pennyplant

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This kind of anger
« on: October 31, 2006, 09:03:14 PM »
In a previous post I mentioned that my husband said recently that he didn't realize when he met me that I had so much anger.  He just thought I was a nice, happy person.  And I was happy when I was with him, but that couldn't fix the rest of my life.

Since coming here I've made a lot of progress thanks to all I have learned here from you and from also being able to post my thoughts and have others read them.

This weekend something happened (that I won't go into here as it is personal).  But I need some help with the anger it brought to the surface.  My husband can't help because it is affecting him too much.  And he has many similar problems, due to voicelessness, that I have.  So, we are not able to help each other at this time.  I am not sure where I'm going with this yet, so the help I need might be just to have the freedom to try and pin it down in this post.  It seems "big" to me.  This trouble I'm having with my anger.  It has always been there.  So many causes.  And I have always been afraid of it because of what it has led to.  Not being liked, feeling humiliated, utter, complete and total frustration.  You know, the kind of frustration where you're just a little kid and crying and screaming and just getting laughed at and there is no where to go with any of it.  No relief.  No refuge.  I cannot have been the only little kid who had to live like that.  But it has sure felt like it most of my life.  So, I taught myself to bottle it up.  It came out often.  But the goal was to obliterate it.  This anger.

I figured something out awhile back, but I wasn't sure if I was on the right track because it didn't feel like an aha!  It seemed correct, but just some small part of it.  What I figured out had to do with my co-worker who triggers such intense dislike from me.  The one who is junior to me yet seems to not have to work as hard as me, etc.  It finally occurred to me that I am replaying a very significant dynamic from my childhood.  She reminds me of how my sister, who was younger than me and behaved quite poorly at all times, still managed to run the entire family.  I always had to give in or give up anything I wanted, or might want, in order to keep the peace, or get ready to keep the peace.  Always.  It was a daily, sometimes hourly, consideration in my life.  My mother always gave the impression that she was keeping things fair or even.  But in reality it was not fair or even.  The table was always tipped in my sister's favor.  And even if things had been materially fair and even, there is a drawback to fairness.  If you treat everybody equally, well, then where is anybody's motivation to contribute fairly?  My sister could lie, misbehave, be all kinds of trouble for everyone, and still receive what I received.  Often she even received more.  Materially and attention-wise.

I think I'm seeing the same thing, or being reminded of it, because of how it seems to me I am being treated, or how I am acting, at work.  But this knowledge hasn't changed anything.  It has just made me aware now.  So, I'm somewhat angry all the time anyway.  Constantly reminded.

So, this weekend, something happened which made me feel completely disregarded.  Something that I had said needed to happen, well, just the opposite happened.  Not the first time either.  And while it was happening, I was watching it and seeing that it was done purposefully.  My request was being blatantly disregarded.  I had a choice of saying, stop it, and then being blamed for the bad outcome.  I had a choice of doing what I did, which was to do nothing except watch.  And feel my feelings.  And ended up being disregarded.  Which also feels like being blamed.

So, for the first time since coming here, I have to feel this anger.  Big anger.  It is different now.  I think there is less internal pressure since I'm not bottling it up.  I think there is a lot of it in there, though.  So, I still feel the need to be very careful.  It makes me feel very restless.  It's hard to sleep.

This sounds so dry and clinical.  That's not how it feels.  It feels like I'm on a different planet.  All by myself.  I can't think of a thing to do with this except keep feeling it.  My husband is beyond frustrated with me.  For awhile I actually thought to myself, I should go sleep with someone else and really betray him.  He still likes to throw that in my face every so often.  Then I remembered, duh! those were emotional affairs, those guys didn't really want to do the things you thought they wanted to do.  They were just playing a game.  And not even thinking for one moment about your feelings getting hurt.  Just ran roughshod over your heart for no big reason other than maybe they were bored or something.  And remember, you're not actually capable of connecting with normal people who might connect back.  If an affair can be considered a normal connection.  You silly, silly girl.

I don't know how long it takes to feel all the anger I have in me.  There is a lot of it.  I don't know how it's going to come out.  So, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, oh it's going to take forever.  The rest of your life.  Of course, I can't really know such a thing.  In fact, it is quite unlikely to take that long.  It's just that it doesn't feel the way I thought it would feel when it started to assert itself.  I thought I would cry more.  Or feel a really big aha!  It doesn't feel that way at all.  I can feel it all over my body, coursing around in a very insolent manner.  Something I'm completely unused to.  Does anger feel different when it is felt by someone who is "aware"?  I wasn't aware before I came here.  I was uninformed.  So, is that why it feels so odd?  How healthy is it to let anger out?  I don't necessarily think that venting is all that healthy.  But is letting my anger exist and be felt, is that the same as venting?  I don't think so.  I'm not really willing for it to be.

I think that many big problems are feeding this anger.  There doesn't seem to be a refuge for me from any of it.  I go to work and am triggered by the unfairness of the place, the built-in disrespect, the dynamic with that co-worker.  I come home and there is my husband with his accusing face.  This is how my life felt when I was fourteen and everything fell apart and went wrong.  Back then I got lost in it.  This time I hope to see the forest for the trees.  But it feels like such a burden.  I have always thought, you can survive anything the first time it happens.  But to go through it again, having the knowledge of what is coming, that is much more of a trick.  Much, much harder to succeed with.

Did any of you ever conquer or recover from this much anger?  Come out on the other side of it and then be able to go on and feel anger as it occurs and not let it become a disease again?  What does it feel like to be on the other side of it?  I don't sense that it was a problem for a lot of you here.  It seems like other emotions or issues come up more often than this consuming type of anger.  But maybe I'm wrong about that and it just hasn't come up as a topic lately.

Floundering here, I know.  But I've known for awhile that I would have to deal with this.  It just kind of came up now by accident.  God at work again in my life.  I sure didn't see it coming.  But it's here now.  It seems like this is going to take awhile.

I think I have mentioned most of what I'm thinking about.  My hope is that there is someone of you out there who has actually had to deal specifically with the emotion of anger in your own body.  But any feedback at all has got to be helpful since I'm feeling very ignorant at the moment.  I think it is possible that many of you have had to deal with an angry person in your life and that this post may act as a trigger.  Because of that possibility I won't feel offended if few people feel up to responding.  Hopefully the title of this post properly reflects the content.  Responses or not, I'm going to be working on this anyway.  It will go the way it goes.  Must be I still have some hope for a good outcome.

Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

Stormchild

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2006, 09:43:00 PM »
Oh Pennyplant... oh God, I feel for you girl.

I don't know where to even begin.

I was so hurt when I first came here and so furious... and some of the hurt was pain I had been carrying all my life... I'm telling you this not to divert the focus to me. But to assure you that I DO know what it is like to be so angry. So angry. And so unheard. Ignored. Even mocked, as you say.

I know the unfair bit too, the part where I always had to accommodate "the pet", where I was always expected to let everyone else have their turn first but somehow, my turn NEVER came. I know that one. And the notion, too, that fairness = treating everyone exactly the same no matter how badly they behave? PP, that's not fairness. That's a con job fed to you by a BS artist. Real fairness pays attention to how people behave, and responds appropriately to each person. It doesn't reward slackers or pets at the expense of people who work their hearts out.

God, I wish I could take some of the anger weight off of you. All I can do is say, you are doing the right thing by feeling it and expressing it and not being ashamed of it.

Anger is a signal, it is a message, it is the exact same thing as the pain response but in your feelings instead of your nerves. Anger means that something is wrong, a boundary is crossed. And the problem is that just like pain, if it doesn't get taken care of it accumulates - if you keep standing on a broken leg it doesn't heal, same with anger, if it doesn't get a chance to heal it just gets worse.

Let me share something with you - it probably won't 'help' right now but hold on to it, it does make sense later on. Anger is one of the best servants you can possibly have. Anger is like radar, it's like second sight, if you learn how to use it and work with it it will alert you to abusers before they have a chance to abuse you, it will alert you to Ns and to situations that are traps.

But it's a terrible master, and that's the problem, we're just not taught how to manage it and use its energy to give us power rather than taking our strength.

Accept your anger. Call it a friend. Ask it to tell you where the problems are... Do what you are doing... you will find that it diminishes when it knows that it is being heard and that the best thing you can do for it is to tell it that you believe it... you may be surprised, telling it you hear it and believe it may make you cry with relief.

This doesn't mean to wallow in it or use it as an excuse to lash out. But you can burn it, use it as fuel. Can you exercise? Do sit ups or push ups [wall pushups if you're not in shape for the ones on the floor], or lift weights? Your body needs to burn some cortisol, anger touches off the fight or flight reaction, if you work your body you help reduce that somewhat. And then you can not only hear its message, but you can be calmer even as you feel angry, and you can think more clearly about what you actually CAN do. And there will be things you can do. Constructive things.

There will be.

I hope this helps.

I hope this helps too:

"By the desperate 'n' confused
Emotion of the youth
I was brought to Crisis land
Where after getting checked for fleas
And barricades of embassies
I was sculpted to be overworked and silent
But since the early age
I broke out of the cage
And learned how to make marching drums
From a fish can

And I knew I'll run away
And so without further delay
I said "Two tears in a bucket
M********k it!"
And it seems like I ran and ran
Through the garbage and quicksand
And after getting checked for fleas
and barricades of embassies
I would never never never never
wanna be young again!...

But sudden wind it stole my hat
And I went on chasing it
Before I was just another burned out carnie
Every freak on every day
Lives a life one certain way
And that way is ain't no nothin' but a birthright~
But since the early age
I broke out of the cage...

And it seems like I ran and ran
through the garbage and quicksand
and after getting checked for fleas
and barricades of embassies
I would never never never never
wanna be young again..."
« Last Edit: October 31, 2006, 09:52:58 PM by Stormchild »
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gratitude28

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2006, 09:49:33 PM »
OMG Penny,
You have hit the nail on the head for me as well. My sister was always given everything so that we would be "treated equally" when in fact she got everything and I got nothing... The only thing that I can think of that I had that she didn't was that my father had done some remodeling in my room first and hadn't gotten to my sister's yet. My mother was so pissed about that. She nagged him constantly about when he was going to "finally get something done for the rest of us" or something along those lines. Not that he didn't work to support her lazy ass and atrocious spending habits.  At any rate, I never realized that she did this to me... used the "trying to make it fair" excuse all the time. I am feeling so much rage just thinking about it now.
Penny, I spent YEARS with that pent up rage. And I know EXACTLY what you mean. You want to yell loud enough to rip through your chest and beat something and scream and scream. I haven't felt it in a while, but you just brought it back to me.What a horrible and awful feeling. I can't believe it has rushed back like this.
I don't know how to help you, penny. I will tell you what I believe has helped me. When I went to AA, I had to learn to let go of resentments. For someone like me, resentments will lead me right back to the bottle (or worse). As much as I fought it, I had to forgive them their wrong behavior and see them as sick people. And they are sick... spiritually, emotionally...I even had to pray for them (generaliities...may they be healthy, prosperous, peaceful). It is hard to do.I really want for someone to stand up and point to them and say, "How could you treat your daughter that way???" But it is not going to happen. And vindictiveness can also not be part of my life.
Penny, take deep relaxing breaths when the anger hits.Fix an image in your mind that makes you happy. Think of your nice life with YOUR family and what you have accomplished.
((((((((((((((((((Penny)))))))))))
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

pennyplant

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2006, 09:59:40 PM »
Oh, you guys, thank you.  I'm shaking.  So, we must be on the right track!

Stormy.... Gogol Bordello?  You're amazing....

Thank you, thank you so much, I will read again tomorrow.

PP
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

moonlight52

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2006, 10:17:44 PM »
Pennyp.

Well I will tell ya what I used to be afraid of being mad angry but not now I can go in my back yard throw rocks go out to the desert and
screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and I do and do not feel bad at all it feels great.
But at home screaming is not a good thing sooooooooooooooo

When alone or Mr moon has been a good coach I slam pillows with tennis rackets and say what ever it is that lies beneath the anger.

There are so many different ways to let go of anger !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do not be afraid of it as Storm says I was for years I also recently went though a process that rid
me of years of pent up anger and I let it run its course

BUT IT WAS RELEASED IN A VERY HEALING WAY NO ONE TOLD ME WHAT TO DO IT HAPPENED.
I let it happen Use your intuition to tell you the right release.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW PP let it rip.
Its OK TO BE ANGRY

Also there are special T's that can guide you though intense anger Mine just happened because I could no longer hold it in I know the feeling well.

What's nice girls like us want to feel anger for?????????????? blah blah blah
Find a way that is good for you as Storm says excerise is really good I just love hitting a pillow with a tennis racket or just plain stomping your feet in socks on a nice carpeted floor at the same time you could choose to vocalize whats pissing you off .

NICE PEOPLE GET PISSED OFF TOO..................................................iT'S OK TO GET ANGRY 8)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((PENNY)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
MoonLight


gratitude28

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2006, 10:25:53 PM »
Moony,
I love the idea of throwing rocks in the desert and screaming!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Stormchild

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2006, 10:31:39 PM »
I have this vision of Mr and Mrs Moon playing pillow tennis.

Moon's serve: "My dad is a mean jerk!" WHACK!!!! Beautiful topspin on that flying pillow.

Mr. Moon's serve: "And he smells bad, too!" WHACK!!!!!! Whooee, what a backhand on THAT flying pillow.

end of the game, and the score, of course, is:  love-love.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

moonlight52

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2006, 10:40:47 PM »
Hi Ya Beth ,

Yeah I can be creative huh got to pick special rocks for how heavy the anger is the big ones are great and it's even better if there is a cool stream near by and then throw the rock of choice in and feel the motion and the anger leave though the rock and scream and then listen for the plop of the "anger rock"in to
the water .

Also for indoor anger fun there's exercise ,stomping and the pillow and the tennis racket thingy. 8)
love to you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BETH)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's OK to feel angry and when released toxins are lifted from your being.
It's a good thing.I was taught not only to smile and worry about my parents feelings but never but never ever get mad!!!!!

Pennyp

Remember you are beloved           (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Stormy I still owe mr moon $170.00 for the last session

love love to you :D

moon
« Last Edit: October 31, 2006, 11:19:51 PM by moonlight »

moonlight52

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2006, 11:03:53 PM »
Pennyp 

Nice people do get angry It took me years to give myself permisson TO GET MAD.
I do not get angry often but it is a red flag .I do believe you understand your reasons ..............

That was the hard part for me the easy thing was to express it in a way that did not hurt anyone .
I am sure you know this all ready.

Also it depends on how symbolic you want it to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For me rocks and a good stream are the best.

But all kidding aside hitting a pillow hard with a tennis racket works.
Anger is a serious topic needing a little comic relief.

Much love to you PP

M


Gaining Strength

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2006, 11:10:30 PM »
Pennyplant-
I have lived a life filled with rage and then all of a sudden, after trying, really trying and desparately longing to overcome my anger and pert up and overflowing rage one day I noticed that I was no longer angry, no longer raging.  After years of being unable to control my anger and trying to suddenly it was gone.  That was 8 or 9 months ago and it is a miraculous happening in my life.

Today, I am processing anxiety and I would describe it much the way you described your anger.  In my family I was constrantly criticized, belittled and abandoned.  I was the youngest and the only girl.  The boys were allowed to do so many things that I couldn't and the explanation ALWAYS was that, "Well you're a girl and you're too young."  But funny thing - no matter how old I got I never was old enough and I never did get over being a girl - so I was just kind of out of luck.

Every night I have nightmares about being left out, doors closing in my face, trying to talk about an impending danger and people ignoring me or laughing at me - even to their own detriment.  So obvious it is to me that this is always from my childhood and has grown into my adult experience - what I feared most has become reality.

But what I really want to tell you - so much more than that I can truly identify with you is what you can do about it.  You are experiencing a repeat of your family pattern.  Your anger has to be there.  But now you have a chance to break this pattern.  You are in a crucial time and place to experience very significant healing.  You have seen the pattern for what it is.  But now you must change the way you responded to this pattern in your FOO.  Now you have a very, very important opportunity to respond in a healthy, healing manner and this is where remarkable healing can take place.

Exactly how should you respond?  What is a healthy reaction?  That is not so evidently simple other than - not in anger and probably not emotionally at all.  Steip back as much as you can in order to get some objectivity.  Talk to yourself as though you were someone else - perhaps even try to see this whole experience as though you are the subordinate worker.  Try to imaging someone you admire being in your shoes and how they would handle it.  Come up with as many scenarios as possible.  Let your imagination go but DO NOT waste your time with revenge scenarios.  Keep your heart open for clever responces, cold responces, disinterested responces - as many various responces as possible and suddenly you will know which one is the HEALING response for you.

Go and read Stormchild's posting on patterns.  You are in one.  We relive our patterns over and over until suddenly after working them and working them something shifts.  And that's where the healing breaks in.  You have a great opportunity for healing here.  If you can shift your perspective and see that you will not be afraid of what you are in the middle of but will be able to welcome it and see that this can be truly a good space to be in, a transformative experience.  Open your heart to the healing solution.  It is close at hand.

Your friend - Gaining Strength.

Portia

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2006, 05:25:40 AM »
Hi Pennyplant, I had enormous anger.

We feel angry when we feel threatened.

When our sense of ‘me’ as having value as a person, is threatened.

The threats we perceive may not be ‘real’ – we’re reacting to how we were treated as kids.

I was once called the ‘board rager’ here and I was! This was me:  :evil: Loads of anger and some dangerous rage had built up in me. Like you I was subjected to mocking as a very young kid. I was mercilessly ignored too and being ignored is a huge anger trigger for me, one that thankfully keeps being tested here and which is helping me to overcome it!

I still FEEL angry of course. But it’s an emotion and it’s okay to feel all emotions, especially the ‘bad’ ones like rage, anger, guilt, shame, envy, spite, contempt, scorn……they all tell us something about how we’ve been programmed to react (I found after anger that my feelings of contempt and scorn were very useful pointers for me: as soon as I feel myself ‘scoffing’ at someone, it tells me I feel threatened).

And those emotions, those reactions…Dr G said something about where they come from, which helped me. Here we are, he said:

Many of us on this board can find at the deepest layers of our selves (if you consider the self to be onion-like) little or nothing of value. This is not a misread of memory, but a realistic imprint of the textual and subtextual messages we received from family, peers, and others. 

These wounds are scarred over, and we try (sometimes desperately) to keep them closed.  We are not always successful however, particularly in the face of criticism—even when the criticism comes from people we do not know very well.

The result is almost unbearable (if not unbearable) pain and despair as our worthlessness and voicelessness are fully exposed.  (Therapy, in fact, results in the exposing of this pain—and resisting the inclination to re-cover it quickly—so the wound can heal naturally over time in the context of a new loving attachment.)


Dr G is talking about feelings of worthlessness there, and anger is part of us protecting ourselves against those feelings of not measuring up, of being belittled and mistreated. Anger tells us how much we were hurt. It’s such an important emotion, if not the important emotion.

Some basic info here:
http://www.dianashulman.com/anger_management.html
http://www.soundfeelings.com/free/anger.htm (I have found anger-release music very helpful – Garbage for example or teen-angst-angry-rock)

Suppressing anger is bad for your heart and your general health. It will eat you from inside. Be angry all the time, it’s okay, it will not last forever and it has to come out. :D

About the specific thing that happened to you PP: are you sure that it was being done on purpose – I mean, was the intention not to do whatever the other person wanted to do, was the purpose exactly and only to upset you? (It might have been on purpose: the other person could be acting out their anger against their caregivers, against you....)

If you say ‘stop it’ that’s your right. Someone might try and blame you for the outcome, but that’s not the issue. The fact that you are feeling bad is already a bad outcome. You matter. Your feelings matter. :D 

There is aggression (action through anger) and assertiveness (action through self-respect). The first, aggression, gets us into problems with others. Assertiveness allows us to state our needs and wants without threatening the other person.

Do you ever feel angry with anyone here? Angry with me? Now that would be useful!  :D I’d encourage you to yell at me. A therapist would encourage you to get angry with them – to express it in a safe environment.

The other side is a lot calmer. I don’t feel rage at all now and anger, fleetingly. I decided in October 2003 that I didn’t want to die angry and I won’t, I know that now. It is frightening to face it and own it though. Lots of hugs to you PP for posting as you have. Hope something here makes sense?(((((((((((((((PP))))))))))))))))

liberty

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #11 on: November 01, 2006, 05:47:13 AM »
Hi Penny,

I had alot of rage as well and in fact I became separated from my husband for a while because of it. This got me into therapy. (not that my husband was blameless mind you) But things are much better now and we are back together happily. So I can identify with alot of the things you said.

What I wanted to tell you was that I realized that as angry as I got with my parents, my husband and all the people who were unfair to me, there was nothing that I could do to change their attitude. In fact, the only thing that I was able to do was to work on myself. It;s the most we can do. If a past sibbling or parent or co-worker is selfish and unkind, that is really not your problem. You didn't cause them to be that way. In fact their behaviour indicates that they have work to do on themselves.

Don't take responsibilty for foolishness that does not belong to you. it is other's people resonsibility to fix themselves. It's not your responsibility to fix them, or to make them see what they did to you, or to make them want to change or any thing along those lines. Just do what you can for yourself and learn to respond in ways that are benficial to you. You'll be a much happier person without the burden of other poeple's emotional baggage on your shoulder.

If you can find an outlet for your rage then this may be useful eg. some kind of sport or art or an engaging hobby. Once you fix yourself then the poeple around you will start re-acting differently to you.

Hope this helps.

Stormchild

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Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #12 on: November 01, 2006, 07:22:12 AM »
OMG Penny,
You have hit the nail on the head for me as well. My sister was always given everything so that we would be "treated equally" when in fact she got everything and I got nothing... The only thing that I can think of that I had that she didn't was that my father had done some remodeling in my room first and hadn't gotten to my sister's yet. My mother was so pissed about that. She nagged him constantly about when he was going to "finally get something done for the rest of us" or something along those lines. Not that he didn't work to support her lazy ass and atrocious spending habits.  At any rate, I never realized that she did this to me... used the "trying to make it fair" excuse all the time. I am feeling so much rage just thinking about it now.
Penny, I spent YEARS with that pent up rage. And I know EXACTLY what you mean. You want to yell loud enough to rip through your chest and beat something and scream and scream. I haven't felt it in a while, but you just brought it back to me.What a horrible and awful feeling. I can't believe it has rushed back like this.
I don't know how to help you, penny. I will tell you what I believe has helped me. When I went to AA, I had to learn to let go of resentments. For someone like me, resentments will lead me right back to the bottle (or worse). As much as I fought it, I had to forgive them their wrong behavior and see them as sick people. And they are sick... spiritually, emotionally...I even had to pray for them (generaliities...may they be healthy, prosperous, peaceful). It is hard to do.I really want for someone to stand up and point to them and say, "How could you treat your daughter that way???" But it is not going to happen. And vindictiveness can also not be part of my life.
Penny, take deep relaxing breaths when the anger hits.Fix an image in your mind that makes you happy. Think of your nice life with YOUR family and what you have accomplished.
((((((((((((((((((Penny)))))))))))
Love, Beth

Beth - this is really valuable feedback and it showed up so early it might get overlooked by folks [although I know Pplant saw it and appreciated it, from her reply] -

You are so right about resentment, which I think of as fossilized anger. Kind of like plants turn to coal and then to oil under ground under pressure, anger turns to resentment. Huge amount of stored energy. Explosive. Dangerous. And once it's built up, it's so hard to find a way to release that energy safely. Which is what makes the acceptance and release and forgiveness so important.

You're describing the courageous acceptance and release that comes with working it through. So important. If we don't find a way to do this then anger does become our master, or resentment does which is even worse.

The really cool thing is that coal doesn't always turn to oil and gas under pressure under ground. Sometimes it turns to diamonds. That I think is a pretty neat analogy for the process of transforming resentment through 'working your program', learning to let go and let god, live and let live, and truly forgive.

A handful of diamonds!!!

Thanks beth, for balancing the picture.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

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October

  • Guest
Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #13 on: November 01, 2006, 09:08:22 AM »
But I need some help with the anger it brought to the surface. 

I sometimes find myself really full of anger, and have very little idea what to do with it.

When we are taught - as I was taught - to fear any strong emotions, it is (so I have read, anyway) because the people around us did not separate anger from violence.  If anger is bottled up long enough, then sometimes when it does explode, it does so with an attack.  In my childhood, such attacks were from my Nmum and aimed at my ob.  Or from my dad and aimed at anyone in his path; really explosive.  My ob has inherited both tendencies with his kids.   :(

So, anger equals violence, and pain.

Then you get happiness, and if you have had anything like mine, this goes the same way.  My mum used to say if you laugh too much you will end up crying.  Then she made it come true.  She would watch me and ob laughing, and play fighting, and find something she didn't like, or just reach the end of her rag, and explode, and start to hit him. 

So, happiness equals violence, and pain.

In the end there is nowhere to go but to stifle emotional expression, and if possible also stifle emotional experience, so that you do not know what you are missing.  Stay in the grey world of never feeling angry and never feeling real, complete joy.

If you are starting to feel anger again, having experienced this greyness, then I would take that as a good sign.  Moving on from that to realise that anger is a feeling, not a behaviour, can be useful.  You can choose your behaviour, dependant on the circumstances.  You can choose to feel your anger, and write down why you are angry.  You can choose to run it off on a 5 mile run.  You can choose to hit pillows or throw stones, as others have said.  But either way you are in control and it is your anger.  It is not acceptable to choose to hurt other people or animals, but I think you already know that well enough, but anything else is ok. 

It feels dangerous, and it feels like losing control to be angry, but that is because nobody taught us what to do with anger, other than being violent and lashing out.  It takes a lot of working through this to learn how to channel that anger, and realise that it can be a healing thing to feel, rather than being destructive.

When d gets angry with her dad, we get a big piece of paper and write down every rude, obscene or even just true word we can think of that applies to him, in big letters and lots of colours, and all overlapping one another.  And if she spells any of them wrong, I tell her off, and say I don't know what the world is coming to, that children today can't spell such words like 'thoughtless bastard', and that in my day I certainly knew how to spell them.  Her anger is allowed, and it is celebrated, if that is the right word.  I recommend trying that - it is really good fun.   

Portia

  • Guest
Re: This kind of anger
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2006, 09:30:49 AM »
Minor overwhelm :cry:

punished for being happy :( scolded for wanting to be happy! :x

Oh yes there's enough to be angry about. Justifiably angry PP, at the right events and actions which involved and affected us.

Clear and emotive post October thank you. Yes: Anger = emotion = good thing, feeling is good.
Loss of control = fear (for me, a control-freak) so face it, lose control and hey-ho: I don't fall apart, I get angry but I'm still me. I live.

Edit in:
Anger music video here on you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzZA8u-TZqM Warning! Odd visuals of men in masks and Shirley Manson singing her heart out.
October: the song is "I'm only happy when it rains", including the line "pour your misery down on me" - I was inspired to post by reading about your mother. The song is, I think, ironic and emotive at the same time.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2006, 09:51:01 AM by Portia »