Confused about our Couples Therapist's comments

[IamNewtoMe]

My H and I have seen a couples therapist for almost a year.  I am getting increasingly uncomfortables with some of the T's comments, but I don't know what to do.  Basically, I think she is a good T who has helped us with a lot of things.  We usually feel better after seeing her.  Then a couple hours or a couple days later I start replaying some of the things said and feel like she is taking sides with my H.

Until now I feel like the general assumption among all three of us is that I am the one who has all the work to do to change, and H simply "needs to be patient" while I do my work.  Now I am beginning to question that assumption. I think H has some issues he needs to work on, too - like learning how to express his anger in a non-passive agressive way, for starters.  I told H this and he agrees that he needs to work on this.  He even agreed that he thinks T was too hard on me one day, but said to forgive her, because even T's have bad days.    So why doesn't she come down on him when she has a bad day?  Why do I have to beat my head agaist a wall for months figuring out and convincing my H that he needs to work on expressing his emotions.  Why didn't the T figure this out?!

My H is very charming. T says that in his world "his glass is half-full", acknowledging that this can be both positive (looking on the bright side of life) and negative (he walks around oblivious sometimes). 

By contrast, T says that because of my upbringing, I never feel safe and that my "glass is half empty." While I find her analogy useful and not necessarily incorrect, I feel labled as the messed up one.  Like it's all my fault.  All of it.  Because my glass is supposedly half full. I don't like being labled.


Even at our last session, which I felt was more balanced than usual, T described me as "excuisitly sensitive". We were all having a laugh about something (which we rarely do), so I laughed at her remark at the time.  But it has haunted me ever since.

I don't know what I am asking. I don't want to change therapists - I still think she has been pretty good for us, mostly.  But I don't think I can stand up to her and tell her that I feel labled as the messed up one.  I feel ganged up on. I even join them sometimes.  Is the T just telling me stuff I don't want to hear?  I am so confused.


thanks for letting me vent.

 

[liberty]

Hi I,

I went to therapy both alone and as a couple. When I was alone I used to find that my therapist was harsh and tended to always focus the problem back to me as though my H was always blameless. I asked her about it and she said that once it was affecting me then we need to deal with my responses to it. This was her approach. I guess all theapists have different approaches. The value in this approach for me was that I soon realized that the only person you can change is yourself and then others start dealing  with you differently.

When we had therapy together I still used to find she was harder on me but eventually  I just focussed on the overall benefits which were good for both of us (H and me).

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that each therapist would have his / her own approach. It would be up to you to determine the vaue in this approach for you. If you can see the benefit of the positives and perhaps work through some of the things that are harder to accept at the time, you may come out better.

In looking back, I still found that my therapist was harder on me. It still doesn't seem fair but fairness may not have brought as many benefits for me. I'm much stronger now and not as sensitive.

You will have to decide.

Good luck.

Lib

[IamNewtoMe]

Liberty,

Fairness versus value - a useful distinction.  Something for me to think about. 

The value in this approach for me was that I soon realized that the only person you can change is yourself

Good point.  I had not thought of applying it to this situation.

Thanks.

[Gaining Strength]

I encourage you to trust your instincts that the therapist is favoring your husband.  When you go to a professional for help it is easy to expect them to be trustworthy and 100% professional but that is not really possible.  You have probably identified a simple weakness in your therapist. But a weakness does not mean that your therapist can't be valuable to you and your husband.  Just keep watch and make note when you feel violated as you have in your post.

 Liberty's thoughts offer a helpful perspective.  I am going to focus on your phrase:
                           T described me as "excuisitly sensitive".

I'm not sure what your T (therapist) meant by that but perhaps she meant that you are "sensitized" or that you feel hurt by things that others are oblivious to.  When I first realized that about myself I thought it was a terribly negative thing - in part because I saw myself as somewhat stoic but the more I dealt with the great pain in my life the more I realized that I was like a turtle - hard shell outside soft skin inside.  I was disappointed to learn that I am terribly sensitive but why is that really disappointing.  Once I got past the feeling that being sensitive was negative instead of a fact something akin to brown hair v. black hair - with no value attached, then I could use that information to help me understand my reactions and to help me process my experiences in a more constructive way.  Now if that's not at all how you interpreted your therapist then just ignore my thoughts.  But don't ignore your feelings that she is "favoring" your husband.  You are probably right on target - just watch how that plays out.  Treat it as information without adding a value judgement of "good" or "bad".  If over time it becomes harmful to you, then you may need to address it with her or even eventually find someone else.

Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Hi New,
What if you thought of "exquisitely sensitive" and "glass half full because of upbringing" as descriptors of you, rather than blaming labels?

What if they were just some facts? The way one person is tall, musical, tone deaf, can't dance, good with numbers, great cook, can murder a potted plant...you know? Just characterisitics to work with as you get to know yourself better?

Maybe it's really not about "fault" but about the different raw materials of you and your H.

I think it'd be really good to share with her just what you've shared here.

((((New))))

Hops

[gratitude28]

IAm,
You may be hearing some things you don't want to hear. However, it sounds to me like you T is being one-sided. Also, shouldn't you be comfortable with her? If you are not, it seems it will interfere with your progress. If your husband even thinks she is being harsh, there is an issue. Maybe you need to try to talk to her about it first and see if she can explain herself?
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

And now you owe jac $100.
 

[Hopalong]

I'm rooting for your instincts, New.
Maybe you're going to speak up in therapy and insist that you be heard!

(He sounds a lot like your mother. If you're "too sensitive" and "no fun", by definition that invalidates any legitimate complaints you need to raise.)

I see what you mean. And I love your clear defense, your clear reasoning.

Hops

[penelope]

hi IamNew,

I can really relate to what you're saying.  Thank you for putting it all out on the table here, for all to disect.   

This is a sign of strength and courage.  That you disagree with T and hubby is too.  Now, you must slowly find your voice in the matter (not your anger, disappointment, or other negative feelings - your voice).  It's OK for you to feel that this is all unfair (it is) - all the feelings that are coming up are normal.  There is nothing you must change, and while it feels like people may be trying to blame you, you don't have to take any of it on.

Have you thought about getting a different T for yourself, for your individual therapy?  I think that might be helpful for you.  Also, maybe try a male individual T?  Somethings not working here for you, and rather than suffer through it, a few simple change might be quicker and more productive for you, and end your suffering.  (Also, if you feel yourself with a strong reaction to what I'm saying, it's OK for you to say - Bean, I disagree...   try it if you're not sure).

Sometimes pain is a sign that great (and necessary) changes are happening.  But, other times, pain is simply a sign that something's not working and its time to try something else.

hugs,
bean

[Gaining Strength]

IamNewtoMe
could you write out what you want to say and either e-mail it or take copies for everyone with you to your next session.

I can't tell if when your T says "sensitive" whether she means "sensitive" or "too sensitive"  but clearly you hear "too
sensitive" and that is critical for the very reasons you identified.  Anyone would be sensitive to your husband skipping out on a
planned date and doubly so to be with someone who has been insulting to you.  I suspect that if you look at your husband
objectively you might be able to figure out what in his background would set up the pattern for abandoning you.  His last minute change of plans was a set up - no matter what you said you were not going to be heard or considered.  Try to look at his actions
as separate from yourself - what is behind that untrustworthiness?  I suspect you will see a pattern that goes way back and that
gets tied up with your stuff creating difficulties in your relationship.

I think jacmac's questions are really helpful.  If you can answer them in your own miind where you are vulnerable to no one then you will be on the road to getting to your part of this.  Which is not to say that you are THE problem, your relationship is troubled and terefore you both must get to your own issues.

I also agree with pbean that you are being quite courageous in your work here.  I admire that.  Keep at it, it will bear fruit.

your friend - Gaiing Strength

[Gaining Strength]

I wrote a lengthy reply yesterday and towards the end I inadvertantly hit some key and the whole darn thing disappeared and suddenly I found myself back at the bottom of the thread with no way to recover my reply.  So frustrating.  I'm going to try to reconstruct my comments.

I have brought this up in our couples therapy before, but it gets glossed over.   he is so darned charming,

This sounds so familiar to me.  I had this same feeling in couples therapy.  I finally had to change.  It does sound to me like you have found a T that clues into your husband and is not able to stand in your shoes as well.  Do find the courage to voice your concerns.

I know this pushes my buttons, because my brother was the Golden Child and I was Lost.  Maybe I sought out this type of person to recreate my FOO in some way.  So how much of this is my stuff and how much is H's stuff?  So hard to sort out.  I am willing to accept responsibility for my part.

You are talking about the core of what we all must get through.  This is the pattern stuff that has been so eloquently written about on another thread.  We do try to recreate our FOO to work out our painful experience.  But the way that must come about is by recognizing the pattern and then we can begin to make some shifts.  As children we reacted to the way we were being treated - with little ability to think it out and change how we reacted.  This pattern gets ingrained and our expectations of how people are going to treat us gets ingrained.  As adults, we can actually change things by changing our reactions rather than changing the other person. 

When the T says you are sensitive, try substituting the word "reactive" and see if that helps you identify what you can change.  I am very sensitive but have a hard shell and so even I was unaware of how sensitive I was.  There is absolutely nothing wrong or in need of  change about being sensitive but I did find and am still finding that by changing my reactions to things that my life is infinitely getting better.

About your husband breaking dates - read the thread about abuse. jacmac has some very keen insights on that that can apply to this as well.  I also am reminded of the book "The Dance of Anger".  I expect that as you make changes to improve your marriage, that your husband is reacting in this passive aggressive way out of complicated, unconcious actions.  He may feel fear over the improvement. He may feel safe enough to be revengeful but not safe enough to be open about it.  There may be many other subconscious patterns acted out here.  But what you can do is focus on your reaction to his actions.  There you can develop full control and power.

Got to get boy to school - hope you are feeling stronger

your friend - gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

You are so welcome IamNewtoMe.  It is helpful to me to think about your struggles.  As I sort through your thoughts I see parallels in my own life and am able to apply them to myself as well, so really it is you who do me a favor.

your friend - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

New,
Please don't be scared! You're just not used to sticking up for yourself in a healthy way. Going to your individual T for support was not manipulative or underhanded, it was appropriate.

And as to the two Ts communicating...it's just like when the broken-leg MD hears a chronic cough so he calls the pulmonologist MD. It's only increasing the quality of your mental health care.

I think you'll find your couples therapy is going to be more balanced and effective now. And if it is not, you STILL have the option of making more choices, checking out the situation as it is then, and responding appropriately.

AS YOU JUST DID!

Kudos to you, hon.

Hops

[gaining strength (guest)]

I am afraid I am making this all up, that somehow I have tricked my individual T (and myself) into thinking my husband is N-ish.  The idea that it's not all my fault is too much to hope for.   Sometimes I have something resembling moments of clarity, but mostly I feel like I'm freaking out.

IamNewtome - if there is anything I can pass on to you it is to fight this thought with all your might.  I did not have enough encouragement from any of my T's across the years (except one)  to put this away.  It has taken me almost 20 years to finally understand that this is simply not true and to understand where this thought (trap) came from.  Had I had the conviction to fight that thought 20 years ago I would without question be much further along today.

The way you fight it is every time that though enters your mind (1) name it (2) acknowledge it as a false thought that has trapped you and (3) deny it by making a statement something like "I will no longer buy into this destructive belief.  I am going to get stronger now that I have more knowledge."  Each tiime you fight it you will get stronger.  I may take time but don't give up.  I know you can do this!

your friend - Gaining Strength

[pennyplant]

IamNewtoMe,

These smart and kind folks here are telling you the truth.  You are not imagining the imbalance in your relationship and you can erase those old tapes and soon install new and more accurate ones.  It might not even take as long as you might think!  In my life I poisoned my relationships since childhood with inaccurate tapes such as, of course they are mean to me, I'm no good, I'm ugly, I'm loud, whatever negative thing I could come up with.

The truth is I have always been normal--no worse and no better than any of the people who walk around on this earth feeling okay about taking up space and breathing up some of the atmosphere.  All I had to do to change my belief, and therefore my reality, was to change my tapes.

I am amazed how easy it was to make new tapes and believe them and now I can't go back to the old ones.  If I try it out in my mind, being negative, it just doesn't ring true anymore.  It sounds ridiculous, in fact.

You can do it too and it will make such a difference in your life.  No matter what, next week when you see the couples T, you should have a new good tape going in your head--You stood up for yourself, you made yourself heard, you have made things more fair, not just for you but for your husband.  If he continues to be coddled by the couples T then he won't be contributing to the health of your marriage, he will be undermining it and that's no good.  He has to be called on the carpet when it is right to do so.  That gives him a chance to be his best too.  You done good!!!

Now you just have to believe it yourself.

Pennyplant