I came here today because I was interested in your topic heading and because your posts have a solid, comforting, wise sense to them Gratitude. I have not said anything over the recent months about posts where arguments appear but I have wanted to and I think I will under this heading.
Most of my life I have been confrontational and more than willing to jump in to settle a confrontation. But in recent years I have seen the problem with the former and have lost confidence in the latter. These days I just turn tail and run from conflict.
As I journey through this labrynth of anxiety I wake in the night remembering, reexperincing the worst - most shaming and most fear provoking and loneliest experiences of my life. It has been a painful few nights. I am fighting the fear of being permanently trapped here in this failing. My anti-anxiety drugs have helped me get far enough out of it to be able to fight against the remainder. The battle, the struggle, the memories, the loneliness, the fear of the future are huge. Only by taking the drugs do I have enough relief to even be able to have the darkness reemerge. I have a long way to go and I am tired.
Between my dreams, my memories, some recent arguments on threads I enjoyed and my slow emergence out of the deepest binding anxiety, I have understanding about my fear of these conflicts. In my FOO there was no mediating of fights between my brothers and me. It was the Lord of the Flies and I was the weakest link. But as I look at each of my parents' FOOs there was no mediating there either and it was very much needed. As a mother of a 5 year old it is abundantly clear to me that children need to be taught how to get along, how to compromise how to give in order to receive. These are not natural traits. But in my life it was strong man for himself. And I went into life scrapping. But it worked for me as long as there was money, prestige and connection behind me - and when those went so did the appearance of functioning go.
My whole life's house was built on a foundation of sand and a couple of storms have hit. Now I have to rebuild but I have no money, no friends, no luck. But I do have some medicine to help me even out my playing field.
I know - you are wondering "why did you post this here?" Well I thought I was going to write that "Take what you need and leave the rest." was the phrase that helped me respond to the arguments online lately. But as I began typing me deep struggles and fears began bubbling up. I am hating unmediated arguments because I needed a mediator in my life, because I need one today to help me resolve my tax problems and legal problems and I have no where to turn. I could have a social life if I could get past the wretched fear and shame. And though I am making progress in that direction, today I am slipping backward and needing to write about it. Today the pain is big and the issues of rejection and abandonment have been reemerging for some healing.
I believe that these deep seated issues of true emotional abandonment are emerging because I am gaining strength enough to face them and begin healing. I am thankful for this community and am coming to you for support and encouragement.
Yesterday, my therapist and I talked about how in the past the harder I tried to overcome something or move forward the more stuck I felt. For years I have referred to this as getting my wheel stuck in the mud and accelerating and accelerating to get out - all the while getting dug in deeper and deeper. Finally, as I get a smidge of relief from this overbearing anxiety I can see that progess got tied into fear of failure and a thousand other backward conflicting twisted concepts from FOO so that working hard was as anxiety provoking as failure was and they got all tied in together. Now that's a true double bind. The harder I tried - the worse I got.
From early on the fear of rejection and abandonment set off responses in me that would engender the very thing that I feared the most. And now with very, very little support, I have to find a way out of this dark, frightening mess that I am in financially, legally and emotionally. I am certain that I can do it. I have seen progress since I began this medication. But I will openly solicit help from anyone here. your friend - GS
