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sjkravill:
This is my first post on any message board ever!  So, please bare with me. As I was explaining my relationship with my husband of a year and a half, a friend suggested I read up on narcissism.  As I have been reading, I find his behavior certainly matches several qualities of NPD.  But I also want to think personality disorders can be measured on a scale or a spectrum. In other words, I think my husband might be mildly narcissistic. Not narcissistic to the extreem. He loves me dearly, and would never hurt me intentionally.  Sometimes he does express empathy, so I think he is capeable...  He is an over all kind hearted man.  He may even respond to my requests 1 in 20 times.  Nonetheless, sometimes his behavior is insidious and sadistic.  (I may be overly sympathetic to him... I am not sure)   I am wondering if there is hope for a relationship with a "mild" narcissist... and still am not sure what degree of this behavior is tolerable.

seeker:
Hi Sjkravill,

Welcome to the board and congratulations on bravely diving in!  :D

A couple of thoughts:

I join you in thinking about N as a spectrum.  My spectrum ranges from emotional unavailable/blind to irrational to destructive to psychopath.  Also, many PDs coexist with N so all the terms and discussion can get confusing pretty quickly.  Also remember that we all can show signs of N from time to time, so no need to hit the panic button yet.

However, seeing the words "kind-hearted" and "sadistic" in the space of two lines gives me pause.  Again, words can get bandied about.  One person's insensivity is another person's abuse.  In addition to the spectrum of N symptoms, you will also get a wide spectrum of responses here due to our varied experiences!  One of my Ns was incredibly selfish and neglectful, only thought of himself.  That was damaging enough.  My real devil has a full-on PD plus the N.  

I guess I would encourage you to read the articles you find here and read some of the books we recommend on another thread (I'll try to find it to bring it to the top of the message board).  One I would start with first is Emotional Unavailability.

Being married 1.5 years, you both may still be adjusting to your own expectations of what married life would be.  Everyone goes through a reality check.  Is your relationship now much different than when you were dating?  (you don't have to answer me, just food for thought).  It could also just be some kind of gap in communication and/or style.  Are you asking directly for what you need?  (But again, that word "sadistic" bothers me...I don't think anything can be mildly sadistic).  

Hope this helps, brave poster.   :wink: Best, Seeker

Anonymous:
Seeker,
Thank you for your thoughtful response... And for bringing up the list of books.  That will keep me busy for a while!  I have read 6 relationship books, but none of them on Narcissism.... The most helpful for me has been The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca.
A point of clarification... By sadistic I mean he finds humor and pleasure in eliciting an anxious response from me.  He seems to "get" how serious it is for only a moment, but his desire to control is greater than his respect for my firm request that he stop.  I now often have a conditioned response of anxiety in his presence.  I can't sleep through the night in the same bed with him.  He does it all in "play" so to him, I am overreacting.  
This is just the beginning... of course there is emotional unavailability, etc. etc... but he can also change for periods of time, and he can also be very sweet at times.  Reading about the "N" sems to polarize the issue.  
I am just in the process of trying to intellectually wrap my mind around what might be going on and serious the problem is.
Thank you again. sjkravill

Portia:
Hello sjkravill
May I ask you to think about these questions? You seem to be thinking about your hubby a lot - I wondered if you’d thought about yourself.

These are just questions, maybe they will help clarify why you find yourself here. I tend to be a bit direct on this board, so brace yourself!
What do you want and what do you get out of this marriage? Are you happy? Do you get support for what you want in life (e.g. job/career/wanting children/interests/beliefs)? Do you share an enjoyment of things together? Do you feel secure, wanted, appreciated for who you are?

I ask these for your thoughts only because of your comment “I can't sleep through the night in the same bed with him.” This sent a shiver of recognition through me I’m afraid.

Hope this helps. And welcome! P

Gingerpeach:
Dear Sjkravill,

First, I am very respectful of your courage in posting.  I have lurked for almost two years here and this is only my second post.  

Like Portia, I too got the "shiver of recognition" when you spoke of "not being able to sleep through the night with him in the same bed."  And other things you spoke of sounded so similar to my experience, it overrode my hesitance in posting.  I am glad for you that you are questioning these things after only a short time being married.   I wish that I had paid more attention to the questions that I had, the feelings that I had, and had talked about it with others.

I was married for five years to a man who had very similar behaviors.  When we married, I was a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of person.  I had dear friends and, not perfect, but physical and emotional health.  After five years, I metamorphosed into a fearful, anxious, shell.  Also 30 lbs. heavier! And after only five years.....

This did not happen overnight.  But I do remember one of the first things that I did notice and that was the inability to sleep through the night with him.  I also applaud your recognition of the fact that he finds pleasure in inducing an anxious response in you.  I did not even recognize then that this is what was happening to me.  I only knew something wasn't right.  

So the sleeplessness was the beginning.   And this alone is extremely unhealthy.  After that came the loosening of some teeth due to clenching my jaw in my sleep.  And after that came "carpal elbow syndrome"  from clenching my hands and arms very tightly up close to my body in my sleep.  Very painful. See how all of these were "in my sleep?"

You see, even though during the waking hours I could rationalize many of his behaviors, at night my body was telling me something different.  Be afraid, protect yourself, you are in danger!  That is what these types of  bodily responses were.  These things that he does that make you anxious provoke the "flight or fight" response in your body.  While this is natural and helpul for real emergencies, it is very unhealthy when it occurs often and for extended periods.  Read up on this. This man can make you very sick.

I did finally leave my N.  But not before I was medicated to the hilt to keep the panic attacks at bay.  My sleep time ran out of responses so my body just said, " Hey, wake up girl!  Here are some daytime responses that you can't ignore!!." Have you ever had panic attacks?  Very very yucky !!!!  You're just sure that you are going to die.  I never had those before N either.

So, I finally realized just how toxic he was.  It was like being in a poisonous cloud that I couldn't find my way out  of.  Again, this happened very slowly. One anxious moment at a time.  And even when I could see a bit of what was happening and I would request that he change his behavior, like your husband.....he wouldn't.  

If someone loves you, or even just likes or respects you,  they do not deliberately do things that make you uncomfortable, unhappy or unhealthy, especially after you have informed them that they do.

One quote from an N 'victim' that I read on another site said something about "how Ns install a mental filter in our heads a little at a time until every thing we think or say or do goes through this filter and until we un-install the filter, we are still more or less controlled by them. "  

I left my N almost a year ago (this Saturday will be a year. Yay!!! Hooray!!) and I am still grappling with the filter.  I'm getting better though at recognizing it and shrugging it off, but it's not completely gone yet.

But I am sleeping through the night almost every single night.  Those nights that I don't is because I have an occasionally noisy neighbor!  I only wear the mouth guard sometimes and the "carpal elbow" is completely gone.  I even stopped the anti-axiety meds.  Deep breathing helps when I get twinges (usually after an email from N.)  Would that I never had these things to get cured from!  I am in therapy too, in order to understand why I would stay with someone so harmful.

So, like Portia, I see you thinking and caring about him more than yourself or your health even. This is the filter!!  Think about him first always, not you.  Is not your sleep, your health important?  I fear that this may be only the beginning of more symptoms.

This is why I have posted. I am seeing myself five years ago.  Kind of like rewinding the video, you know? You need to be very aware of what your body is telling you.  It may be telling you things that your mind isn't ready to look at. This is how it was with me.  Finally, I looked with my mind and my heart too.

So Sjkravill, good for you that you are seeing these things and questioning them and more importantly questioning them out loud here at this site!!  That I think was the missing piece for me, the sharing with others. The validation.  Ns like to keep you separated from those that will validate your instincts.  This increases the strength of the filter because there is no offsetting force.  Sjkravill, does he try to control your time and or your contact with friends and family?  

Please stay in touch here Sjkravill,  I truly am worried for you.

Gingerpeach

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