Leaving my N Question

[shoredreamer]

I just found this site after reading all I could on narcissism.  I know now that I was led here, and just reading some of the other posts makes me realize I am not alone.  I have been married to an N for 21 years.  His behavior and abuse are classic N, although I never knew there was such an illness.  Marriage counselors, mds, and psychologists never mentioned it.  I guess when I think back on it my N was wise enough to hide it.  I had the courage to leave him two months ago, and filed for divorce yesterday.  It was and is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  He has paralyzed me financially and will not let me get my car (in the midst of all this I had a broken leg and could not drive ) and personal belongings.  According to him they all belong to him, even though during the entire marriage I was the one who worked. He also took my name off the credit card and bank accounts.   I knew I had to take the step to bring in the attorney.   He will be served with divorce papers on Monday, and be told that the sheriff will accompany me to get my belongings. 
     I know that many of you have gone through similar situation, and was wondering if anyone could give me an idea of his reaction to all this.  I know that he never thought I would have the courage to do this,  since I was his PERFECT prey.  Thank you

[hounded]

Looking back at it. When my dad (Serious N) left my mother, he did so with such wrath and contempt. First he demorailzed her into believing that she was a useless and contemptible person whom no one could ever love. Then when she hired an attorney, he decided to play the wounded little man scenario. He did this to play on my mothers issues, which she bought hook line and sinker. The whole deal was - for my dad, if he could convince my mother that he was just going through a phase, she would buy into him really coming back. So, mom tried to be polite while dad took her to the cleaners. After divorce, my dad was laughing all the way to the bank and my mother was left holding the bag. 15 years later my mother is still dealing with that "last lie".

I don't know if that helps, but please remember to stick your guns. Do not get baited or feel like you did something wrong. HE will try and shame you even more, cry like a baby he will - when he realizes his punching bag is leaving. Don'tfall for it. You only get one shot at the apple and you need to protect your financial side now. If he has any sincerity in establishing a new future with you - tread very lightly. Once you file, stay the course and hold his feet to the fire. If you still love him and he shows sincere efforts to reconcile then try friendship - but protect yourself NOW.

Good luck,
hounded

[reallyME]

Shoredreamer,

I have not been married to an N per se, but have been abused by N's in my life and have done extensive research on it all.  My advice in this is, PLEASE DO NOT ONLY LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD HAVE SHARED WITH YOU, BUT NOTICE IT WHILE IT IS HAPPENING!

The first and most important strategy that any N uses in my opinion, is to STRIP YOU OF THE ABILITY TO SEE REALITY OBJECTIVELY!!!  If they can ultimately cause you to doubt yourself entirely, they GOT YA!  know what you are there for and STAND YOUR GROUND and KNOW THAT ALL OF US ARE BEHIND YOU 100%!  Please KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN, so you can say, while it's happening..."OHHHHHHHHHHH THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THOSE PEOPLE ON THAT VOICELESSNESS BOARD SAID HE WOULD DO!!! THAT, DEAR, is HALF the battle!



My prayers are with you today,
Laura

[Brigid]

Welcome Shoredreamer,
I'm so sorry for your situation.  You did not mention if there were any children involved.  This can have a significant impact on what you must do.

The information Jac provided is very good.  My xnh left me very suddenly after 22 years of marriage and 2 children, but has never been abusive or hostile, so those were not issues I dealt with.  But n's are liars and cannot be trusted to be fair or honest during the divorce process.  I discovered so many things after he left that he had been hiding and lying about for years (financial, sexual, affair).

Your stbx has no right to keep you from your personal possessions, or your share of the family income.  You are wise to bring law enforcement with you to obtain your stuff however, based on his level of abusiveness.  His reaction to your divorce papers most likely will be even more rage and entitlement--so be prepared for the next barrage.  DO NOT let him draw you back in.  He may try the tactic of desperation and neediness in order to appeal to your need to fix him (that is why we choose these men in the first place).  He CANNOT be fixed--not by you or anyone else.

I hope for your sake that there are no children to be considered, or if so, they are older.  If there are no children or they are already adults, you can sever your ties with this man permanently.  If there are children who are minors, be prepared for a custody battle.  There are many here who have the war wounds from those court battles.  Fortunately for me, that was never an issue and my children are both young adults now and away at school.

You need a GOOD (probably also expensive) divorce attorney.  I recommend a male attorney when dealing with these kind of men, but make your own choice.  When you meet with him or her, have as much documentation as possible to support your situation.  Keep track of bank accounts, credit cards, life insurance, investments, etc.  Contact any institution he has removed your name from and let them know that you did not allow for that.  I don't believe that he can legally just have your name removed.  All questions to discuss with the attorney.  You don't need to like the attorney as a person (I certainly didn't like mine), but know that they have the reputation to do a good job for you.  Ask around and get names that are well-respected (and feared).

Next you need a good therapist to help you deal with the emotional aspect of what will probably be the most difficult time of your life.  My T was my lifeline and helped me so much with how to get the kids as well as myself through the whole ugly mess.  He was the one to explain that my x was n, or I never would have understood what had happened or why.

If you are fortunate enough to have supportive family and friends, that can also be a huge asset as well.  I had no family to help (other than my kids) and his family totally abandoned me and the kids for the most part.  But I did have my friends and they were invaluable during that time.

It has been 3+ years for me since he left and we have been divorced for 1 1/2 years.  Our divorce took 18 months to get through, mainly due to his hiding of assets and income.  My attorney had to hire a forensic accountant to investigate his business dealings (he is self-employed in a business with his father).  I did get a good settlement in mediation because he did not want to have information exposed about things he and his father did to hide income.  I am now in a new relationship with a great guy and happier than I've been for many years.  There is light at the end of the long dark tunnel.

I wish you well.

Brigid

[stauber]

Thank you all for your advice.  As I read them, they are "shots" of strength.  There are no children involved. He has four from a previous marriage, but they are all adults and on their own.  They have nothing to do with their father.  I think I have done some appropriate preparation.  I discovered on Monday that he took my name off the two accounts at the bank.  One account had my retirement check through direct deposit.  I went ballistic with the bank when I discovered that I couldn't get to money that was directly made out to me.  Well the bank was quite red faced and corrected the situation by getting my most recent check into my personal account.  But I still have no access to the rest of the money.  After speaking to my attorney, I went directly to our broker and got as much cash from our accounts as I could, and then proceded to freeze the accounts. I know this will set him off, because his money has been made through very wise investments over the years.  He also canceled the credit card, and when I tried to get a new one I was told that I had no credit history, because we always paid cash.  Well the "red faced" bank got me one.  My family and friends are extremely supportive. Thank you again, and I will keep you posted on progress.

[WRITE]

He also took my name off the credit card and bank accounts.   

goodness, how horrible.

I had no credit history, because we always paid cash.  Well the "red faced" bank got me one.

you are being very resourceful though.

It is something I think all married women should be aware of- if your husband always signed for everything and you aren't primary named person on bills and accounts you don't build any credit history.

I've had to start over. But the bank helped me too, they knew me from all my visits since I lived here.

My family and friends are extremely supportive.

that's really good. I'm glad there are no youngsters too- seriously complicates things.

Good luck.