when people get angry at my victimhood

[Sea storm]

My friends don't understand that I am grieving the end of my relationship with my N. partner. He took me to the cleaners and cheated on me. Nevertheless........ As well, I see now that I have a pattern of ending up with charming Narcissistic men who are cruel and use me. I get beaten down and pathetic  and they are sick of seeing this.  So I am facing that there is a great deal of truth in this. Shaming the bee jeezus out of me isn't all that helpful though.
I have been through the same movie three times now. I am reading about codependence and learning to recognize the signs of abusive men and narcissists. I am in therapy to look at the family of origin issues that cause me to recreate this painful scenario over and over.  What else can I do?

[dragonsamm]

Welcome, Sea Storm

I'm no expert, but I can welcome you to this site.  I havent' been posting here very long, but in the time I've been here, I've seen tons and tons of support from every quarter.
I encourage you to look around the site, see what others have shared.  If something strikes a chord, feel free to respond or post your own questions, stories, whatever moves you.

My friends don't understand that I am grieving

Not everyone understands everything.  I hope you find some better friends here.

Peace to you

~dragonsamm~

[Hopalong]

Sea,
I was involved with N after N after N after N after N.

Your friends don't get it unless they had the same wiring.

We do...

Hops

[gratitude28]

It's like AA for me. People no doubt saw me drinking and out of control and pitied me. But a non-drinker would have no idea that that was a comfort zone for me at the same time that it was a terrifying place. It was horrible, yet it was what I knew. So... I know people who drank as I did. And they understand me. I don't deserve a prize for quitting and becoming a responsible person. I do need people in my life who understand in order to continue to know what my problem is.

You can make all the analogies... We are here. And although I didn't do the N thing relationship-wise, I can see that it would be "comfortable" to repeat and live in what you know.

Love to you sea, and don't be hard on yourself. If they don't understand, give it some time. Take it easy, vent here, and let some time pass before you expect to see your friends change their opinions.

(((((((((((((((sea)))))))))))))))

[tony001]

Although I'm married and working through some problems. I am working hard at being an independent person mentally and spritually. I want to acheive a state of being where I don't depend on anyone for my happiness. I think people become miserable when they depend on a spouse or SO to make themselves happy.

A psychologist once said you are better off being addicted to heroin than to a person. At least heroin is in plentiful supply and always will be available to you. You can also count on how heroin will affect you and fulfiill your need for it. You cannot say the same about a person.

[WRITE]

SO few people understand Nism.

Unless they have been on the receiving- or should I say draining- end of an N relationship they just don't get it. It sounds too odd. It's one of the problems I have communicating with my sister- she stayed in her unhappy marriage too so she doesn't want to hear too much about me leaving mine.

People no doubt saw me drinking and out of control and pitied me. But a non-drinker would have no idea that that was a comfort zone for me at the same time that it was a terrifying place. It was horrible, yet it was what I knew. So... I know people who drank as I did. And they understand me. I don't deserve a prize for quitting and becoming a responsible person. I do need people in my life who understand in order to continue to know what my problem is.

support groups are invaluable for meeting this need!

Post here- we get it.

[nickyinstant]

There is nothing else you can do.  You are educating yourself and therefore arming yourself. There is so very much to get your head around and make sense of.

 I am coming to realise that it is wise for me to avoid a new relationship until I am fully armed with as much knowledge as possible.  It is a known fact that we are particularly vulnerable to more of the same.  But we have much more power to change than those who abuse us will ever have. 

Heres a link to a light hearted look at missing an N, something that I share with you, and ache to run back there and fix all, terrified of what lies in front of me.  But I cant go back, and i can't go there again with another one.  I HAVE to change.  There is only pain otherwise. And nobody who cares for you wants to see it happen.  Why would they?  They are angry because they care.  And they cant help you if you dont help yourself.  So keep at it, and make them proud!

http://www.angelfire.com/indie/aanouri/missing.html

take care of you.

[gratitude28]

Yes, nicky, you can only change YOU and your responses. Awesome insight and more power to you!!!
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Know that even if a relationship is horrible, there is still a process to let go of it.  I left my ex-husband (who was actually called narcissistic by a therapist BEFORE I realized my mother was a worse one!!!) and it really was a long process to heal.  First there was the rejection I felt from phrases like "I am just not attracted to you at all!!"  And the numerous affairs.  There was the lack of work ethic but an over inflated sense of self.................there was the laziness.................the irresponsibility..............................the lack of sex............the lack of any sense of normalcy................but when we got a divorce and he immediately jumped into the next victim's arms.....I felt bad.  And when he was married a year later................I felt angry....................and yet, I did not want him.  It is just a normal process of letting go...................at least that's what I think!!!

[Plucky]

I have been through the same movie three times now. I am reading about codependence and learning to recognize the signs of abusive men and narcissists. I am in therapy to look at the family of origin issues that cause me to recreate this painful scenario over and over.  What else can I do?

Hi Seastorm,
you can tell your friends exactly what you have said here.  That you recognise the pattern and you are taking steps to change it, and you want and need their support.  You can acknowledge that in the past you did not listen to them and they were right.  You can say that you are sorry for all the times they must have been frustrated that you did not take their advice. They don't exactly have to get it totally to be there for you.  And F2F friends are valuable.    Maybe they are afraid to get back on that rollercoaster with you, because they care, and when you are hurt, they are hurt too, only they have no control over what you do.
Plucky

[gratitude28]

Fabulous answer, Plucky!!!!!