started to divide property with N I'm scared

[sea storm]

I went through the worst month of my life as i found out about my N partner having an affair and then he went to see her in another city. I was heartbroken, shocked and felt betrayed. As I went through our files I discovered that he had been squirreling money away and leaving me to pay all the expenses. So this is pretty aweful. I told him I wanted to separate legally and end it. I went to a lawyer and sent him an offer for his part of the house.
He told me that he felt blindsided by my going to a lawyer. As if nothing had happended and how could I be so cruel. I had told him I knew that he cyphoned money from our account etc. He feels BLINDSIDED?????? He feels so victimized?????? Something tells me I am in for it and I feel scared. He is ruthless and calculating. eg. He had me arrested for assaulting him when i just slapped him on the arm  after discovering his affair. Not a hair was out of place, nor did a bruise appear. He just calmly walked into the living room and called the police. Whoever initiates an assault is automaticlally arrested and charged in Canada.  I could have lost my professional credentials. The police dropped that charges but I realized how cold and manipulative he is.  This sounds so sordid and aweful. People think oh she must have done something terrible. I feel dreadful about it. Hitting is bad but I think the response was worse.
The police wanted me to talk to someone as they thought I was a battered woman and they saw through the whole thing. What kind of person would do that?  He had no empathy for my pain at finding out he was talking to this woman every day for about 30 minutes and emailing her every day.  And no remorse.
He wants us to wait unitl we are both calmer and then he will come over and help me put in the wood heater and do a few repairs.  As is nothing happened. this is the chaos of living with a N.
I am so trained to stay on his good side because I know he can retaliate with brutal success. He will target my daughter or my job or my sanity.
So I am scared. I did stand up for myself and I want to separate. I knew it was naive to think I could get away with it.
Please write.

[Hopalong]

Oh hon.
He may have icewater for blood but you have a heart and you are braver than you know.

You HAVE gotten a lawyer and that was totally smart of you.

Can you make another appointment with the lawyer ASAP and ask for help with boundaries?
Such as, do you change the locks, put his stuff in storage, walk on tiptoes, reject or accept his offer to "fix something"?

Meanwhile, DO PLEASE DO get to the local abused women's support group. You don't have to have bruises to qualify for their very wise strategies and propping-up.

There are CROWDS of women, here and in 2-D, who will help you not collapse in fear.

Draw on the courage that has taken you this far, it will expand.

And call on the community of empowering and supportive women both here and in your town.
Don't hesistate to ask them for strength too.

Meanwhile, sending you calm, courage and faith.

It's night-time now. That's the hardest time to face these things.

THE SUN WILL BE THERE IN THE MORNING, AND SO WILL YOU.

Breaaaaaaathe. Call a hotline of some sort if the panic rises.

It will recede. Breaaaaaaaathe.

You have legions of sisters, those who know you and even those who don't, sending you strength.

This is a tough battle but it is not the rest of your life.

Hold on, and have faith that this is endurable and you will endure.

love
Hops

[Sela]

Hi there Sea Storm:

I was reading over on your other post and just wanted to say welcome to you and sorry for what brought you here but glad you're here.  I hope you will get whatever support you need here.

I have a few comments.  Take what helps and leave the rest.

I went through the worst month of my life

The beauty of this is that it can only get better from here on out!!  Seriously! 

I was heartbroken, shocked and felt betrayed. As I went through our files I discovered that he had been squirreling money away and leaving me to pay all the expenses. So this is pretty aweful.

So sorry this happened Sea Storm.  Who wouldn't feel as you did?  Did you find, after your initial reaction, did you find yourself feeling angry with him?  I think I would!  Dirty lying crook!! 

Something tells me I am in for it and I feel scared. He is ruthless and calculating.

People like him feed on fear.  Count on it.  It fuels them!.  It's easy to understand why you feel afraid (who wouldn't ?).
Can you get someone....a family member/friend ....to stay with you for awhile?  Sometimes an extra witness will give him a bit of fear?  Or at least, decrease his supply for awhile?

This sounds so sordid and aweful. People think oh she must have done something terrible. I feel dreadful about it. Hitting is bad but I think the response was worse.

I don't think you are awful or terrible.  I don't believe in hitting for lots of reasons, one being that if I hit, I might get hit back.  That's what he did too....he hit you back .....legally!  Not what most people would do.  Not what anyone with empathy would do, I think.  Thank goodness the police are reasonable eh?  Did the experience give you more respect for the police?  I think it might me.

this is the chaos of living with a N.

Do you see yourself as having choices about this?

I am so trained to stay on his good side because I know he can retaliate with brutal success. He will target my daughter or my job or my sanity. So I am scared.

I don't blame you.  I think you're brave too!  Also, that it doesn't have to stay like this.  It will be scary but worth standing up and moving on.

I knew it was naive to think I could get away with it.

Do you see the ground you've gained?  You've stood up for yourself, rather than staying trained and on his good side.  He retaliated with brutal success and you still want to separate.

Is there a way you can warn your employer and your daughter?   Does he tend to act in "legal" ways, when retaliating?  Could you take some legal action yourself? (say....ask for a restraining order/peace bond??).  I'm not very informed legally.  I think you need to be, so it's good that you've got a lawyer!  Another piece of ground you've gained......reaching out for informed help!  Excellent!  Do you have any other support systems?  Someone to talk with in the real world?  I hope so. 

Keep taking those steps forward Sea Storm!  Soon you'll be well on your way!!

Sela

[Plucky]

So I am scared. I did stand up for myself and I want to separate. I knew it was naive to think I could get away with it.

Hi Seastorm,
being afraid is just normal right now and I don't think you can avoid that.  But please try to avoid berating yourself for taking steps top survive under the seige that was your marriage, or for taking steps to get out.  This is the right thing fr you to do,and you will not do it perfectly, of course.  But you will do wel enough to get out and form a new, happy life.  Just think how happy you will be without your H.  Just his absence is going to be a wonderful experience.
(((((((((((((((((((seastorm))))))))))))))))
Plucky

[sea storm]

Boy do I ever cling to the words you guys wrote to me. They are very wise and honed by experience.
I am afraid and have dreams and panic attacks about what he might do. He out manoevers me. Each step I have taken retraumatizes me and starts up this panicked feeling. Thanks for the reassurance that it will pass and I can endure it if I "endured the seige 'of our marriage.
His absence is a relief but also a void. He took up most of my energy and all my goals were geared toward pleasing him. So WHO AM I ?
Scarey feeling. There are moments when I feel free and it is good.

And yes I was angry when I realized I had been screwed financially. I will be able to keep the house but only by having a huge mortgage. In Canada they are not tax deductable.  So it will be like 150,000 dollars. I will try to put a suite in downstairs and find a renter. This is not so bad though compared to the poverty of many good people who write in to this site.

I live in a remote place so no one can come to stay with me. My friends drifted away and felt that my partner was too much to bear. Also they thought I was becoming too strange for them. Looking back on it: they were so right.
And Yes, he does feed on fear. I must be careful not to give him his fix of this. He knows every nuance of my behaviour. For instance, if I am cheery and polite, he knows I am afraid. I can't even imagine what he is going to do next. Police, employer,child, ex partners. He uses them all. He is calculating.
That is a good point about his hitting back legally when I hit him. I will certainly not let him know what I think or how I feel in future.

I was reading that psychopath's brains are wired differently and they interpret language differently from others. It is a physical and emotional disability. This helps me to not expect anything other than more of the same poor judgement, lack of empathy, and pathological lying. At the moment he believes his own lies.

IN some ways I am to blame. I became a verbally abusive woman and I would go off the deep end. This is what it is like to be married to an alcoholic. They feed off the chaos and destabilze their partner. But I colluded with this behaviour and submitted to it. Thank god I have some detachment and understanding and support now.
I have been afraid to hand over the separation to the lawyer completely. Now I know that if he is being nice to me then this is REALLY dangerous and I need to withdraw. This sounds so melodramatic but the feelings I feel are intense.
I know I have sisters out there who understand and that has been my salvation. Maybe there is the odd brother too.
Light and love to you.

[Hopalong]

No question there are brothers too.
I'm sorry you're so isolated, Sea.

Maybe when all's said and done you can move, live in a pleasant community where you can build a new family of choice?

For now, stay on your own side. You are stronger than you think. And that's not physical.

(I don't sense you feel any physical danger from him, just his petty revenge. But you've got a good lawyer taking care of you, I think.)

Keep communicating and reaching out to women's groups if you can, even if by phone.

Hang in, this will pass and you are going to be okay.

Sometimes the aftermath isn't always poisonous, as after a miserable marriage both people can come to a sense of relief.

Hops