**this is a long post**
I am new to the boards and the whole concept of npd. I have recently come to the realization that my adoptive mother has npd. I am 23, and gratefully, am in a happy long-term relationship with my soon-to-be husband. My fiance and I communicate openly and we have been helping eachother to be aware of N type behavior that we both exhibit sometimes.
A little bit about my history: My birth mother passed away of a heart condition when I was an infant . I was raised mostly by my father, his parents and my birth mother's parents, until my adoptive mother came into my life when I was 4. She worked at the daycare where I attended and (I only know this from stories because I was too young to remember) we bonded or had a special mother-daughter relationship. I'm sure I was eager to have a female role-model in my life, and I shudder to think that she might have exploited my need for a mother figure in order to fulfil some other goal for herself. She and my father married when she was 21 and had my two half siblings. We all lived as a family for 4 years until they divorced, and she later remarried to a man who had two children from a previous marriage. The 4 kids lived with her and I spent most of the time with my father and some of the time with her until I was 14.
Some things about her parenting style and personality that I have now realized are not the norm:
-as kids we were not allowed to act up in public, bouncing around, making funny noises, and basically acting like children was not allowed and punishable by a very tight grip to the arm or the witholding of something later, like a snack.
-at family gatherings my siblings and I ate well and didn't act picky, our grandparents praised us and her because we were so well behaved. She is very insistent on the picky eathing thing.
-disagreeing is forbidden. In any form. The one time I had the guts to disagree with her in a non passive way, our relationship ended for 8 years. Even saying something that could possibly be construed as a criticism is extremely offensive, like my stepfather saying she likes apple pie during thanksgiving dinner. She made a scene and defended herself by saying that she does't like apple pie and that my stepfather said she did becasue he was really trying to say that she's fat.
-Its all about her. I remember being so embarassed of her when I was teenager because when there was a get-together she would interrupt conversations just to say something mildly related that was about herself. My fiance and I kind of joked about testing her sometime to see if we could coax her into talking about anything that does not somehow relate to herself. Even when she came with me to try on wedding dresses, she did not talk about the dresses, or how they looked on me. Rather she talked about how she knew I would like the one SHE picked out and that she knows me so well because we are so alike, or that she used to be that skinny when she was my age.
-she picks roles for the children. Some can do no wrong, others can do nothing right. I had the unfortunate luck to be one who could not seem to do anything right until my new step brothers came into the picture and I left. I really feel for one of them because he is extremely gifted and has adhd, but she doesn't praise him that I've noticed, but makes him do a lot of chores. The couple times I have stayed over at their house to babysit I noticed that two of the other kids boss him around too. I hope he has the strength to leave soon, I just wonder who will take his place. I feel the moral obligation to stand up for him, but I know that will just make life harder for him. I cant be there to protect him so I cant say anything.
-The "private face" and the "public face" are like night and day. I dont know if its a good or bad thing, but since we had our falling out when I was a teenager, I have never seen her private face again. That means that she is never cruel to me, or jugemental or bossy or insensitive. She is just extremely, rediculously nice and generous. She will give me way more presents at christmas than I think our relationship warrents and she is overaccommodating. I don't think her private face disappeared, I know my stepbrother who does all the chores still sees it, but I dont think she will show that side of herself to me again.
Having said all that, phew, it felt good. I have come to the realization that I do not want a realtionship with her anymore. I dont want her to be involved in my life or my future grandchildren's lives. As it is, I have been talking to her and seeing her a few times a month, but my wedding is comming up and I am dreading what she will say/do in front of my new relatives. I dont want her to say things that will hurt my dad on that day either. Sadly she is already trying to co-opt my fiance's parents and she is really close with MY birth mother's parents, my fathers parents, everyone. I think she makes it her business to be connected to and be generous to so many people so that she will never be alone. I cannot move thousands of miles away, I cant avoid her because she will choose to not take the hint. I need to tell her how I feel about her and I know if I do she will try to turn everyone against me or tell me or others that I'm crazy. I've seen her do it to other people before. How is it possible that someone I see as being so cruel can fool so many other people into thinking she is angelic? Is there a method for taking the next step? how do I confront her?
