it turned out to be more of a turning point for me or a stage of (very painful) growth rather than a mutual relationship. Perhaps he had a lack in him that was compatible with a lack in me. I've heard somewhere that this kind of attraction occurs when both people are at the same developmental stage. When both are in need of the same things???
thanks Pennyplant. I think we are both very much at the same stage- ready to move on after healing from a divorce, building music/writing careers, and also the same level of residual emotions from the early childhood experiences ( strong but no longer limiting )
It is interesting to bump into someone who has all these same factors, and I have grown a lot just in dealing with all the things we said to each other so far and in not falling into a fantasy relationship ( for a change )
That's where I usually go about this point- develop a strong unrequited crush and sabotage any actual relationship!
I'm not as afraid as I was, that's for sure.
anybody incredibly connected with me right now would be trying to caretake or else they would be sizing me up as N-meat. I just know that I'm not in a good place for a romantic relationship. Although, I would probably be tempted take the bait anyway. Brand new romantic relationships are such great mood-enhancers!
I agree CB, we attract people who are complimentary to where we're at emotionally, so being in a good place to start is essential.
Is he N? I don't know. He's a bit arrogant, insensitive in that way sensitive people can be when they are blinded to the bigger picture sometimes, and he's very competetive.
If he were N I suspect he'd be trying to charm me more, trying to start a relationship more, trying to get his own way.
There is quite an ebb and flow going between us of moving closer, backing off and responding to each other doing the same.
I don't think I have a cynical bone in me these days, by the way. The difficult things happen and I am taking care of business. I have never felt so strong and calm.
This man has awoken feelings in me so deep, yet I can envisage a future without him! ( smile ) If it doesn't work out, it wasn'tmeant to be. When he hurt my feelings about the music I showed him he had but without rancour and pointed out his competetiveness and he saw it; he was much more humble the next day and took care to compliment my piano skills after a rehearsal where he heard me play properly for the first time!
By the way, I have gotten this jealousy response a number of times with that particular set of compositions, I listened to it again today and it is rather good ( despite the sound quality! ) It takes a high level of maturity I think to be pleased when someone does something creative. I am lucky, it's years since I felt jealous and anyway- I know the downside to where this creativity comes from....
be sure to protect your work life. I have all confidence that you will make the right decisions. As you make small steps make sure you protect your life as if something didn't work out - how would it feel at church, at work. Then you know if the risk is worth it. You have good antennae and while there may be red flags, if you proceed with protection then go ahead and enjoy that warm feeling. - your friend - Gaining Strength
thanks GS, one of the reasons I have been proceeding slowly is we work together and go to church together and I think we both want to know how we will handle things if a relationship doesn't work out.
But I made a great friendship with ex, and my last crush I see him again at a rehearsal every week and I think I can cope. I'm not much for drama now.
I didcut the guy off when he started to ask me out a few days ago because he started saying he doesn't like his private life public; well he'll have to rethink that with me...I am as open as anyone and anyway people are already starting to look at us and I'm sure think we are an item. Not that I would want to tell everyone the things which are private- but musicians are prominent and I'm not sneaking about either!
he's funny though, when we do a good church performance he will often smile at me and he so often hugs me and no one else or will be staring at me....how could he think people will not notice? Even I notice and I am usually oblivious...
I know if I walked into a room and felt that connection with a man my guess would be that he is an N. I think the background thing also gave me the shivers......... sounds like XN and I. Just be careful please.
yes, that is my main concern too- it certainly is a component of my attraction with people, I just love talented and 'out there' guys and so many are N tendency.
I'm not as afraid of N as I was though- if he turns out to be N I know now the limitations of that relationship and won't waste much time trying to make it work.
please take care of you Write
thanks axa, and all of you, I see you are all saying this and I agree, and I will take care of me. But also I have been sayign for over a year that I want a new relationship and at some point I will have to overcome my fears and try one...maybe the first really real one of my life.
The reason we pick Ns is about them and what they hook us in with; the reasons we stay are our own.
I think by stayign in a long term relationship with a narcissist I was
1.) avoiding my deep fear of intimacy
and
2.) deflecting my own bipolar issues onto someone else.
This man may well just be another stage in my development away from that....
