Why does it feel taboo to talk of my SO here? Anyway..
My dog has been sick for two weeks. On Friday, I called my b/f at work (I worked from home, only in the morning that day) and asked if he could help me take the dog to the vet in the afternoon. B/F sounded cheerful and helpful on the phone - "sure, no problem, I'll meet you at home, what time?"
When he arrived, he was in a very foul mood, and I was immediately sorry I'd asked him for help. Basically, he was angry about his day (but wouldn't talk to me about the details of it), and I felt he was taking it out on me, for no apparent reason. I noted this, but did not bring up that I was displeased. I needed to get the dog to the vet as I was very worried about him – this was priority 1. He said something to me like “did I ask the Vet about X (can’t remember what X is now – I think it was one of the dog’s specific symptoms),” like this was key, in a blaming voice (I felt). He was referring to the last time I had taken the dog in, which was about a week prior – I took the dog myself then. I responded (somewhat exasperated) – look, I told the Vet Tech about all the symptoms, and they wrote them down. This time I plan to speak directly to the Vet, though, since I’m not sure the tech stressed all these (X included). "Could you try to help me and not grill me?" Then I said something like: “OK I’m going to ask them about a Heartworm refill; you ask to see the X-rays again, K? (since he had also been questioning me about whether the vet took pictures of his throat - and I couldn’t really remember – although I said I didn’t think so).
When we got to the clinic, the vet tech saw us first and after she left, while waiting for the Vet, I pulled out a brochure and said "here's a pamphlet describing parasites, do you want to read it?" B/F looked mad, and said "no." I felt hurt since we had been brainstorming possibilities earlier, and we’d had narrowed them down to (at least I had): A) B/F gave the dog two steak bones - a piece of the bone might be caught in the dog's throat, or had cut his throat which was now irritated/infected. The X-rays taken prior had only been of his intestines/stomach, which showed no foreign body, but maybe it was in his throat/chest. B) Despite normal white and red blood cell counts, my dog has a case of Kennel cough (dry coughing/hacking and vomiting being the classic symptoms) C) My dog has parasites (worms).
My b/f seems to me to act passive aggressively like this (saying “no” to my idea of him researching worms) a lot. This is probably nothing new, but I think that since the novelty of our relationship is starting to wear off - we've been living together 2 years - I'm starting to notice it more. This typically takes the form of: 1) not answering any of my questions, or commenting back when I make statements (such as brainstorming what might be wrong with my dog and/or worrying aloud) 2) acting bored/irritated (superior?) 3) acting highly anxious. Today, he’s doing all of the above, plus 4) continually citing that he's had a bad day at work and thus I should be more sympathetic is implied 5) walks out before the exam is over, demanding the keys and saying he'll go next door to the grocery store to get Xantac for the dog as this was one of the things the vet said we could give him for upset stomach/gastritis. I say, "Oh, can you get eggs and coffee too - we need those.." 6) This upsets him more and he initially says "no - it will take too long," but eventually begrudgingly says "OK." The exam ends in about 15 minutes, I checkout and leave. I call him on his cell but he doesn't answer (although when leaving he had told me – 7) Make sure you have your cell phone on!). My dog and I wait outside the vet clinic, we're staring at our car, so we know he's still in the grocery store. 10, maybe 15 minutes later, he shows up with beer and the supplies (Xantac, eggs, coffee), smiling.
I know he’s going to get angrier, but I say “we have to go get the special dog food (Vet told us to get) now – there’s a pet store close by…” B/F questions exactly where we are going, and since I’m nervous, I say the wrong thing – I say “the old CVS pharmacy,” then (a little too harshly) “what street is it on?” I say this to hopefully get him working with me, rather than against me. If he’s thinking of where we should be turning, maybe he won’t criticize my driving, which he typically does (note: I don’t normally drive, he does, and we carpool to work). He tells me every turn to make, which is probably a good thing as now I’m so flustered, I don’t know where to turn, although we are 3 blocks from home.
He stays in the car with the dog and I go in for the food. Of course, they don’t have it, so I search for something similar, realizing he’s probably getting angrier and angrier as this isn’t going quickly. I finally settle on three types of canned food, none of which are the right stuff. I buy all three and exasperated, ask the cashier if they have the right stuff – she says “I don’t know, but that guy (points at the manager who is close by) would know, go ask him.” This causes me more anxiety cause he’s already talking to another customer, and I don’t want to interrupt. I pay for the food, pretend like I’m going to go ask him (or wait my turn to ask him), but then at the last minute I duck out of the store. B/F is in the car, talking to his Mom. He’s telling her how the dog’s sick.
Eventually, he hangs up, but doesn’t say anything to me. I ask, “was that your Mom?” “Yes,” he says, “she hopes the dog gets better soon.” (kind of curt). I state they did not have the “right stuff.” He pretends like or actually doesn’t hear me. I ask timidly…”do you want to get something to eat real quick?” “NO,” he snaps, “I want to go straight home, I’ve had a rough day at work.” I don’t say anything, but my eyebrows raise about ½ inch, mainly because this very scenario played out about a week ago, only it was me asking to go straight home – and guess what he said then? “You’re acting like a spoiled brat, I just need to stop real quick, and you can just wait.“ I think about this, but decide its not a good time to bring this up. We go home, me feeling like I'm not being supported, fully, him still angry about work (why is he taking it out on me? I think). Later, I tell him calmly that I feel like he's been taking his bad day out on me and that it's not fair, plus some other words I can’t remember now. He gets angry and says that all he wants is for me to hold him and sympathize cause he's had a bad day. I state: "I don't think it's a good idea for you to ask me to hold you when I feel afraid of you (which I did, as his anger directed at me was unjustifiable, I felt). I don't cave, rather, I hide out in another room of the house and try to go to sleep, petting my dog and feeling very tired and worried from the day's events. He finds me, and is a little calmer. Eventually I start sobbing hysterically thinking about how sad I will be without my dog (if he were to die). B/F asks: “why are you crying?” seeming, genuinely, to be concerned. I say “because, I don’t want __(my dog’s name)__ to die.” He rubs my back a little and jokes a bit, and tells me not to worry, the “teet” (our nickname for the dog) will be fine.
That was Friday. Fast forward to today. It’s Monday. I am now sick (nasty cold, sinus infection or flu, most likely) and the dog is still showing symptoms, although does appear to be improving – probably because of the antibiotics they gave him. I poke around all day, not doing much, a little cleaning, after sleeping in…I call my B/F at lunch (he’s friendly). He stays at work an hour late. Please note that he’s supposed to be on vacation all this week and is also “feeling sick” (or so he says). He comes home late, and asks how I’m doing. I tell him I feel bad – my head is all fuzzy. He says “I feel sick too.” He proceeds to do his thing, and eventually asks if I want some soup. He lists a few: I say, “I don’t think I like those.” Eventually I offer: “you could make me some posole” (he’s going to be making this for his work party in a week anyway, so we have all the ingredients). He says “that takes too long, I’m too tired to make that.” I say, “I’ll make it for myself then.”
A little later, I’m in one of the bedrooms ironing curtains with the door closed. He asks if he can come in. I let him in. He says “what are you doing?” I tell him. He seems surprised, like he’s seeing me for the first time – like ironing curtains is a hidden talent he did not know I possessed. I keep ironing. Eventually, I state (I’m not capturing the exact wording nor tone, here, but you get the gist), in as good a monotone as I can muster: “I’m disappointed that you can’t make me soup, but you managed to work a 9 hour day today. If you ask me, you care more about that place [where we work] than you do about us (the dog and I). And guess what? Those guys don’t give a sh*t about you. Do you think they care that you’re putting in all these extra hours? Do you think they care about you? Is work some sort of surrogate parent for you, where you keep trying to prove yourself to them, just like you do with your Dad? Where you keep doing more than everyone else? That place will bend, but [the dog] and I won’t bend. In fact, we’re at the point of breaking. And the sad thing is you don’t even see it. I still don’t know what we’re doing for Thanksgiving. People, our friends, invited us over, and you declined for us, without even asking me what I wanted to do [he interrupts me to deny this but I keep talking] You told me a few days ago, that [work] had ruined your vacation. But what about me? What about my vacation? Since I thought I was going to be spending it with you, is my vacation now ruined too? [interrupts again to say: he "can just stay at home," as he "doesn't have to do anything special for holidays”] Oh, that’s great, so you think you can just make this decision to stay home and do nothing, cause that’s what you like to do, and not even ask me (I snap back). Well, I think I’d like to go somewhere. So me and the dog are planning on doing something. [we can do something if you want, you never said you wanted to go anywhere – like he’s invited]. This holiday is turning out exactly like the last and the one before it. You only care about yourself, you’re not even thinking of me. [Work] isn’t ruining our holiday, you are by your behavior. You could have told them no. You could have involved me in your decisions and in your life.”
Anyway, the thing that is really starting to get to me is that my B/F has an emotional world I know nothing about (or very little). My therapist says guys are different; they only know about half the words women know. They have a hard time describing their feelings and communicating. But – this is getting ridiculous, I think. It’s not like I’m asking for Everest. I want a description of an ant hill. Intimacy is non-existent in our relationship – the illusion of it keeps slipping. The only meaningful conversations (I think) we ever have, are the ones he later describes as “fights.” This is when he finally lets his guard down because he thinks he’s going to lose me. Later, he complains that he always has to come to me first – I don’t come to him, and that this is going to “break” our relationship cause one day he’s not going to come to me. I don’t think I can stand it much longer. At first I thought we weren’t communicating. Now I believe we are, but it is some sort of sick twisted game he’s playing, without knowing the why or how. Something I’ve noticed that is really sickening to me is: I’ve been reading all these books about Narcissistic parents, and psychology, and going to a therapist myself for the past year. To my knowledge, he has not read or researched any of this. But – what he has a gift for, is taking a concept I’ve introduced to him (which he’s only half listened to) and trying to turn it around on me. So he’ll use a snipit of something I’ve said to him, but he’ll use it out of context, or inappropriately, and try to justify his behavior or point out something wrong that I’m doing, citing it. For example, the other day, he told me I was “projecting something from my parents.” I’m certain he doesn’t even know what projecting is, but he’s now heard me say it enough times he thinks he can use this every time he’s "losing" an argument. BTW, I'm not trying to argue with him, I'm trying to state my needs/feelings/wishes, plainly, such that he might understand me - he claims I'm starting arguments. *sigh*
I know I have very little objectivity in this. I also know I’m Far from perfect, when it comes to communicating. Like, I need Communication for Couples 101, for starters. But, is there a way for two non-communicators to work this out? Where do we even start? I feel like if we could just begin putting one foot in front of the other, we could possibly get somewhere. This is a person who, if you asked him to learn Greek for his job, he would learn Greek. In other words, intellectually, he has the capability to do anything he really wants to do. I believe that I too, have the desire to learn. How is it that we both seem to screw up our good intentions so badly then? We both want to be in this relationship and we both want it to work (ie, to be happy). I think.
bean
