At Wits End w/ B/F - need objectivity please

[Gaining Strength]

That sounds like a good start penelope.  Keep looking for more actions like that that you can take. 
Remember - stay detached from his response.  Imagine the response you least want to get from
him and imagine yourself not getting emotionally riled up but remaining calm. 

I am learning to do this with my son.  He tends to be very negative and oppositional.  Today
we went to the store and he selected some Spagetti O's off the shelf.  I had planned to have
more turkey but that is what he chose.  We got home I asked him if he was ready for the
spagetti o's.  He said, "yes." So I heated it up and served it to him. He got angry, said he didn't
want them today and he wasn't going to eat them.  I told him just what I wrote above - that he picked
them and said he wanted to eat them.  I wanted to get stark raving mad but that only makes things
explode.  So I just let the matter drop.  A little later he asked what I was going to fix him for lunch.
I told him I had fixed the spagetti o's as he asked me to and that that was lunch.  Again he got angry but
I remained calm.  I offered him some string cheese but I was not going to fix anything else because I had
done exactly what he asked me and then had been yelled at when I did. 

All in all - my point here is that rather than repeat my patterns from growing up, I did not get into the
fray with him.  The battle didn't escalate because I simply refused to get upset.  I can't tell you how helpful
this is.  It is truly life changing for me.  I feel in control of my life in that regard for the first time.  Other people's
actions no longer control me, my anger, my whole day.  To have gotten here in my late 40s after trying my
whole adult life is nothing short of a miracle.  Don't waste 20 more years getting here.  Start trying to claim your
power back right now!!! You can do it and we can help you. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Brigid]

Pb,

I have learned that demanding he change immediately, is probably not a good course of action.  I need to have some patience, and approach him in a loving way about this.

It is very wise of you to figure this out.  No one can demand that someone else change.  If someone is going to make a change in behavior, they have to want to do that for themselves.  It's fine for the person wanting to make change to ask for help and patience while making the transition, but changing for someone else's sake, is never going to be permanent or comfortable.  You need to imagine how you would feel if he were making such a demand of you.  It is not fair or healthy to place those kinds of demands on people we love. 

At my age, what I have learned about relationships (many hours of therapy, too) is that we all have our strengths and weaknesses.  Finding a partner who can complement those strengths and weaknesses is sometimes the best we can hope for.  That they will change to meet our expectations is something I now know is not realistic.  If there is a behavior that you cannot live with, save yourself the aggravation and move on to find someone whose behaviors can blend more easily with your own.  If your partner meets your expectations in the most important areas, but falls short in the lesser areas, learn to compromise and live with it, as there will never be anyone who perfectly meets your goals for a life companion.  Only you can know what those most important characteristics are and how closely your b/f matches up.

I don't know what to say about the vacation situation.  I admit that it would bother me too, as I look forward to the vacations with my b/f and the many hours of fun, relaxed, intimate time together we share, that is difficult to have on a day-to-day basis.  As a word of caution, I would say that my xh never wanted to go away with me alone as he knew I would have expectations of intimacy and alone time which I know now he dreaded and avoided.  I would suggest trying to get to the root of the issue in the most loving and inviting way that you can, so he does not feel threatened or cornered.  Maybe the T can help with that.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Brigid, can I come live in your head for a while?

(I wish I'd had, or more to the point listened to, such sane advice when I was busy trying to control and change my sundry bfs... Whether they were N or not, I was always all inspired by The Project. AUUGHHH.)

Now I know better, so maybe if I catch me a nice geezer one day, he'll never know what he's missed. 

PB, I think the simplest thing that keeps popping in my head as I read your brave new bf posts is:

1) It's always a good thing to ask for what you want
2) But only if you let go of the outcome

Stay-Go decisions are a separate thing.

hugs both,
Hops

[reallyME]

that was NOT the sort of plan I was referring to, but you do whatever works for ya

[WRITE]

Hi Laura, how was your Thanksgiving? How are you?

1) It's always a good thing to ask for what you want
2) But only if you let go of the outcome

love this Hops.

there will never be anyone who perfectly meets your goals for a life companion.  Only you can know what those most important characteristics are and how closely your b/f matches up.

yes, it's a compromise isn't it. Takes a while to get the balance when you've already trodden 'a compromise too far'! I know I'm too far the other way right now- looking for perfection from the get-go....

The battle didn't escalate because I simply refused to get upset.

it's a release of tension isn't it, to shout or scream or slap....and it becomes a habit with the whole family. It's hard with my ex because sometimes it feels whatever we decide he does the opposite, so when we decided no more yelling near our son, no inappropriate comments or insults etc. in some ways he does it more simply because he's got it in his head- she's trying to tell me what to do. Even though that came out of a lecture to me from him about all the things I was doing wrong and what we should do instead!

My ex's mother was very controlling, he confuses others with her all the time.

I need to have some patience, and approach him in a loving way about this. 

Sounds good.

[Brigid]

Hops,

I wish I'd had, or more to the point listened to, such sane advice when I was busy trying to control and change my sundry bfs... Whether they were N or not, I was always all inspired by The Project. AUUGHHH.)

ME TOO    Where was I when I needed me.

I am of the mind now that I view men as playthings rather than projects. 

Write,

I know I'm too far the other way right now- looking for perfection from the get-go....

I'm not sure that I would recognize or know "perfection" if it came and sat on me.  Do you have an idea of what perfection would mean to you?  I do think that perception changes a fair amount over time too.  What was desirable in my 20's, is very different from what is desirable now in my 50's. 

Brigid

[penelope]

hi guys,

I don't mind at all if you continue your dialogue above.

I thought I'd give a quick update on the doggie too.  I took him to the vet again yesterday.  My vet seems very kind.  He's said a couple times now that C word...  cancer.  The doggie's spleen is enlarged for sure.  He took 6 more x-rays (only charged me for 2!).  We're sending all the x-rays out to a radiologist for a professional opinion/report.  We'll know more Monday afternoon/Tuesday at the latest. 

In typical form, I was on the internet last night researching doggie cancer - especially the kinds related to enlarged spleen.  It makes me feel better to know what we're dealing with (maybe).  Also in typical form, my b/f was going deeper into denial that anything is wrong with the doggie (he says I'm being too negative).     Well, this is not as frustrating to me as it normally would be after reading (and rereading) all the awesome words above.  I don't need him to agree with me.  I do need to let him be him, and let myself be me.  So.  I'll continue to worry.  He can do whatever he wants.  I did ask him and he agreed to no hard playing with the dog - petting and loving him is fine- but the vet said no walks, or running around in the yard or wrestling type playing.  This is hard for my b/f, to not do this.  We'll see if he 'remembers' this agreement (sometimes he forgets things he's agreed to).

love,
bean

[Hopalong]

 

(((((((((((((Bean's woof))))))))))))

Hops

[WRITE]

I'm not sure that I would recognize or know "perfection" if it came and sat on me.  Do you have an idea of what perfection would mean to you?

yes, someone who was clear, open, sincere and happy.

However I know that most people even when they are these things also have elements of their lives which don't fit the whole picture, baggage from previous relationships, and variations in mood and communication!

I think right now I am over-sensitised, still raw.

My friend who knows el crusho, I told her when I started developing feelings for him and she said 'it's too soon- you're too leery...'

And she was right- every time we've been out I have behaved more outrageously really- so much for relaxing and enjoying someone's company, as soon as I had feelings I started testing and looking for weaknesses!

I am getting better at being present and not 'looking for outcomes' as Hops points out.

But not nearly there yet!

***

Just had a lovely 90 minute chat wth the Indian guy I have been corresponding with for the past few weeks, we met in the summer and liked each other but he is about to take finals and I was about to file for divorce so we even said we didn;t have time to write to each other. Then did anyway!

That is going better than the friendship with el crusho simply because he is kinder and more mature I think- he's lived a bit more.

I find I can tell him things without the defensiveness that is developing with the other guy because he doesn't know what I'm talking about, it's outside his experience or comfort level to hear about.

***

Hope the dog is okay Bean.

[Gaining Strength]

I don't need him to agree with me.  I do need to let him be him, and let myself be me.  So.  I'll continue to worry.  He can do whatever he wants.  I did ask him and he agreed to no hard playing with the dog - petting and loving him is fine- but the vet said no walks, or running around in the yard or wrestling type playing.    

That's it pbean.  you got it!!!!   Way to go!!!!   your friend - GS

[gratitude28]

(((GS)))))))
Going back to your post... you did the right thing with your son. Is he just testing you right now? Do you know the reason?

Penelope...
Lots of love to your baby. Henry has had cysts lately, but they were not cancerous or dnagerous. They just got infected. I wish you something easy like that with your dog...

Love to all of you. Laura, I liked your responses and you clarified what I meant to say, penelope, which is that you aren't legally tied now... so make sure this is what you want before you do anything to make it permanent. Also, I believe that you can love and/or care deeply about someone and he can still not be husband material... hard to think with our brains as opposed to our hearts sometimes.

(((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))