Do You Still Fit Into This Description?

[gratitude28]

This is from an article by Dr. Alan Rappoport that I found. How much of this fit you before, and how much do you match it now?

This article introduces the term “conarcissism”
to refer to the way that people
accommodate to narcissistic parents. I use
the term narcissism here to refer to people
with very low self-esteem who attempt to
control others’ views of them for defensive
purposes. They are interpersonally rigid,
easily offended, self-absorbed, blaming, and
find it difficult to empathize with others. Conarcissistic
people, as a result of their
attempts to get along with their narcissistic
parents, work hard to please others, defer to
other’s opinions, worry about how others
think and feel about them, are often
depressed or anxious, find it hard to know
their own views and experience, and take the
blame for interpersonal problems. They fear
being considered selfish if they act
assertively.

[reallyME]

Conarcissistic
people, as a result of their
attempts to get along with their narcissistic
parents,

 work hard to please others - I only do this when I'm at my job or school, and it's more to please myself from my progress than to impress others anymore.


, defer to
other’s opinions - most N's wish I did this MORE, but no, I do not tend to defer to others' opinions, and am quite opininated myself.

, worry about how others
think and feel about them-  it drives me batty being around people who constantly worry about this, so no, this is not me really, although I do get defensive at times when I feel I am or anyone else that doesn't deserve it, is being treated UNJUSTLY.  I DESPISE INJUSTICE!



, are often
depressed or anxious- not unless someone dear to me is at odds with me.  EVen then, I've learned to just pray and ask the Lord to intervene and make things right if it's His plan; if not, grant me the serenity to accept things as they are.

find it hard to know
their own views and experience - no, I sure don't have a struggle with this one.  I know very well what I've experienced and how I feel about it or what I believe about it.

 and take the
blame for interpersonal problems -  I'll take responsibility for my actions where it's warranted, but I do not accept blame from others nor put it on myself.  I will not let people scapegoat me or project onto me without speaking up.  (I can recall times when N's in my life would say cutting things which I didn't know were put-downs at first, but after I learned about narcissism, when those people would say mean things to me disguised as "jokes," I would speak up and say "hey! why did you say that?  that was not nice at all!"  This is why ultimately, I do not hold onto N's very long at all before they replace me with the next person.

They fear
being considered selfish if they act
assertively-  Not me, but I know people who constantly are tormented by this thought.  to these people, usually Bible followers, my response is "the Bible says LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.  HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE AND WITHOUT LOVING YOURSELF FIRST?"

[Dazed1]

Hi Gratitude 28,

Great description.  It doesn't merely fit me; it IS me.

But, what Dr. Rappoport terms "conarcissism", I call "codependence".

I'm reading “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody, as well as other books on Codependence.  The definitions of Codependence mirror that of  Dr. Rappoport's conarcissism.

I don't mean to dally in semantics, but, I wish the experts could all agree on one name to describe this condition. 

Interesting to see Dr. Rappoport says that those who suffer from conarcissism (ie: codependence) had Ns for parents. 

As you may recall from other posts, I'm not 100% sure that my parents were full blown Ns (they definately had N traits), BUT, I KNOW I suffer from conarcissism (codependence).

Thank you Gratitude 28 for connecting the dots.

dazed

[reallyME]

Dazed, I believe that another term for Co-narcissism and Codependence, is inverted Narcissism.

We are the upside-down version of the narcissist I guess.

~L

[seasons]

Gratitude28, Thanks for sharing.

Still fit into this description? Yes. I hope and pray to soon anwser "NO".


Conarcissistic
people, as a result of their
attempts to get along with their narcissistic
parents, work hard to please others, defer to
other’s opinions, worry about how others
think and feel about them, are often
depressed or anxious, find it hard to know
their own views and experience, and take the
blame for interpersonal problems. They fear
being considered selfish if they act
assertively.
This one rings so true for me and will be my biggest obsticle to work through. seasons

[moonlight52]

I am a think'in here after 50 years and time served I am a guess'in

H*** I GET TO LIVE MY LIFE NOW

Bless my little heart where oh where did all that bravery come from ????????


I got self esteem golly gosh I do hope my self esteem and me not being a doormat does not put any one out or anything....
oppps that was sarcastic

AND I am not sorry.......I have a new found right not to allow others to stick there behinds in my face.........

My little moonlet has asthma today we are going to her doctor's


moonlight
all comments are welcome
 When I think of the way I was treated this past summer It will take some time

[Jade]

work hard to please others

I try to be polite, reasonable and supportive of others, and I feel good when I do this. However, I'm probably still more oriented toward filling other's emotional needs than my own. It's easy to forget it's a two-way street.

defer to other’s opinions

I might do this to avoid an argument or even a debate, which I don't really enjoy. I find conflict extremely stressful, so I avoid extended argument by mirroring the other, then changing the subject. If this doesn't work I may leave. Sometimes it makes me feel very anxious to be asked my opinion, especially when I know it's going to conflict with the prevailing values in a group.

worry about how others think and feel about them

This can be excruciating, often taking the form of obsessing over a social interaction: Was I unfair or unpleasant to them? If so, should I feel guilty for harming them emotionally? Are they going to retaliate? Did I humiliate myself, lower my social status? Do they now have the upper hand? etc.

are often depressed or anxious

Anxiety and depression are the ground of my being. Sometimes less, sometimes more. I just try to concentrate on the foreground, and whatever I can do that is positive.

find it hard to know their own views and experience

This one is touch and go. If I'm on the spot, feeling threatened, this ability tends to waver, fragment or disappear. I have experienced people using this as a weapon, to have something to argue with, so I may simply clam up and present a smooth surface.

take the blame for interpersonal problems

Not sure about this one, depends on many factors. Sometimes think I blame my FOO too much, sometimes not enough. On good days, I try to stay away from blaming altogether, as I don't like a punitive worldview.

fear being considered selfish if they act assertively

More a generalized terror of appearing at all, because then I present a target. I can be assertive, and I can feel great pride and satisfaction with it if I do it appropriately, but I pay for it with an underground, chronic fear of retaliation.

[moonlight52]

Hey All

After thinking it over I do believe I gave a good example of victim hood .

Opps !!!!!!    Anger, fear etc......... just slipped out and some how it got out of the back seat into my lap.

I AM PLANNING TO KEEP IT IN THE BACK SEAT FROM NOW ON........


Moonlight

[moonlight52]

((((((((((((((((((Seasons)))))))))))))))))))))))))


Thats the one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you are too cool   

moonlight

[Hopalong]

I don't still fit into
my pants

 

Hops (less groveling than I used to be but still have my moments of being embarrassed to exist)

[penelope]

ha ha!!  I am outgrowing my pants too - I need to quit partaking in holiday potlucks

On a serious note,

For me, this sort of fits (except for the not empathizing EVER- although I think as I've gotten older I have lost the ability to do this as often and naturally...as I did it as a kid), but the MAIN description that I think is missing is my LACK OF BOUNDARIES.

ewwwwwww.  I just give out too much information about myself.  I am "too honest" 

I think I have to tell people everything I'm thinking/feeling (usually anger) at the moment I think/feel it.  My therapist and b/f agree, so I know I do this.  I have not developed the ability to have a "poker face,"  I wear my heart on my sleeve, divulge too much.  OK, maybe that's part of the self-absorbed bit?   


Today I had a small success in the area of Worrying Others Won't Like Me.  I have been creating quite a bit of havoc (or so it feels) at work, not being my Old people-pleasing self.  Before, this would have really bothered me, and when I would have to be around those I felt I had "created waves with" i'd have stressed out in a major way.

Today I noticed that my old female colleague and I were working in the same room together, and it didn't even bother me.  At one point I wondered "is she mad at me?" (the old anxiety creeping in) but the immediate next thought that popped in my head was:  well, if she is, that's her problem cause whatever I did, if I made a mistake, that doesn't mean I'm all bad, and she should be mature and forgive me.  I'm allowed to make mistakes.  Then I forgot all about it.  A major victory for me.

but yes, I recognize me.

hugs,
bean

p.s.  Beth, thanks for reminding me that we're sisters, on that other post of mine..  That really made me smile/feel better and has stuck with me all week