Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

entering into a childs world?

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shefellyb:
Hello,
 I just discovered this board from the website, and was looking for a little help. I am kinda scared that I may not be giving my children a voice, the articles have been very eye opening.  I was wondering what it means to enter into a childs world ...any help? What does it mean by not requiring them to enter into our world in order to make contact?
Thanks!

reallyME:
Because of the type of personality I have, I tend to shoot straight with people, and sometimes a bit tactlessly, so I am going to share just one thing to NOT do to a child:

I once had a lady come to where I work, a restaurant, and ask her son "Honey, what do you want to eat?  chicken or burger?"

The child responded, "no, I don't want chicken.  I want a burger." 

At that point there was back n forth banter between this lady and the little boy, till finally she said to me, "you don't HAVE burgers do you?"  I said, "yes we do."

Then, she turned back to the boy and said "They RAN OUT OF BURGERS."

She said to me "He'll have the chicken!"

I WANTED TO JUMP OVER THE COUNTER AND SCREAM IN HER FACE, "YOU JUST LIED TO THAT CHILD AND YOU USED MEEEEEEEEEEE TO DO IT!  STOP SPEAKING FORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR THAT BOY!  HE HAS HIS OWN BRAIN AND HIS OWN MOUTH, LADY AND HE DOES NOT NEED YOU TO TELL HIM WHAT HE WANTS OR DOESN"T WANT OR LIKES OR DOESN"T LIKE!"

So, that's just one example of how NOT to raise children.  I have a huge repoitoire of them, believe me.

~Laura

gratitude28:
I think the key is to treat a child as a smaller adult with less of a vocabulary... Like Laura's example showed, many parents try to speak for their kids or be dishonest with them. Children NEED to trust and they will not be able to if you are not upfront with them. That isn't to say you can't set boundaries (Kids, we are going to this retaurant and I want you to eat chicken or something healthful today... no hamburgers.) You can give them choices... do you want your bath now or in 10 minutes? (No choice on the bath, notice). But that gives them some say. Do you want to do your homework in your room or in the kitchen? Again, they feel in control, but are doing what they need to do.
Is that what you mean????
Love, Beth

Hopalong:
Hi Shefellyb,

I think one of the most wonderful channels into a child's world is reading to them, with them.
I think if you turn off the TV (better yet, park it in the attic until summer) and take up The Secret Garden and then Great Expectations (I heard Dickens read cover to cover when I was 10...didn't understand every word but became completely absorbed in a world we all were sharing, since it was a family thing...)

Simpler books too, like Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little. The author understands a child.

You can too, and good books read together can help, imo.

And last but not least, welcome!

Hopalong

shefellyb:
Oh, I like the idea of reading to them...something I am trying to do more of!

  I guess I just want to make sure that I am hearing my children when they speak, which is hard to do when there is SO much going on in my life! It takes time, and I am working on giving them that time by listening when something is wrong. But it is hard for me to want to "play" with them, like Barbies or dolls for example. I can handle the card games and the going for a walk, but when they ask me to just "play" I have a hard time with that.
Any other thoughts would be appreciated!

 I am happy that there is a board like this! And thanks for the welcome!

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