Hello.... I'm a new poster

[tremusan]

I'm a couple days into researching NPD.  I'm no expert but I'm fairly certain my dh is a N.  I'm just now able to rise above the awful situation I find myself in, unexpectedly (well at least in part), and observe it with some clinical detachment.  He's kept me so terrified and off balance the last 5 weeks.... I haven't been able to think clearly.

So... I'm here looking for insights and answers to my puzzle.  I have 2 beautiful children with this man and I'm sure I can't stay with him.  My goal is to distance myself and wean him from being dependant on me.   I want him to find someone else to make him feel wonderful so I can slink away with our children and be safe again.  I feel awful writing that but.... that's where I am right now.  He needs to be the one who leaves........ so he won't focus his hatred and anger on us the rest of our lives.  I'm not quite sure how to go about accomplishing this goal. 

Any comments would be welcome. 
Tremusan

[Sela]

Hi and Welcome Tremusan:

Well.   There's no fancy answer coming from me.  No great wisdom from my end.  Still, from what you wrote, I noticed a couple of things.

I'm glad you feel you are thinking more clearly and rising up above your difficulties.  That's gotta help.  Keep thinking that way.

It sounds like you're formulating a plan and that's a darn good idea, imo.  Keep doing that.

Too bad you couldn't set him up with some babe he couldn't resist.  But that would be unkind to the babe eh? 

Still, I think it's possible for you to work toward it being his idea and desire to leave.  I did that with my ex.  I told him that I could see how unhappy he was.  That I wasn't good enough for him.  How I wanted him to be happy (which was the truth...is the truth--on edit--that I did/do want him to be happy).  That if he wanted to leave.....now was the time.  Etc.

He said I'd never survive without him.  I told him not to worry.  I'd be ok.  I'd manage.  He should just go.  Get on with his life.  Find happiness where ever he could.

He went.  It was all very amicable.  We're still on good terms.

Ofcourse, I don't think he's a complete N but he is a hopeless alcoholic and they've certain traits in common.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive.  Sometimes phyically.  So I think I did the right thing.  I'm remarried and so is he.  Life goes on.

Keep working it out in your head.  Maybe get some outside support.  ( I did and my counsellor was a great help.  Sort of kept me from caving into fear and going backward....helped me get my plan together....stuff like that).  Is there a women's shelter in your area? 

Save yourself and your kids.  I bet you won't regret it.

He's kept me so terrified and off balance the last 5 weeks

Is he physically abusive?   I'm just guessing.  No need to answer anything, if you don't feel like it.  No worries.

Here's a hug.  (((((Tre)))))

Sela

[tremusan]

Hi and Welcome Tremusan:

Well.   There's no fancy answer coming from me.  No great wisdom from my end.  Still, from what you wrote, I noticed a couple of things.

I'm glad you feel you are thinking more clearly and rising up above your difficulties.  That's gotta help.  Keep thinking that way.

It sounds like you're formulating a plan and that's a darn good idea, imo.  Keep doing that.

Too bad you couldn't set him up with some babe he couldn't resist.  But that would be unkind to the babe eh? 

Still, I think it's possible for you to work toward it being his idea and desire to leave.  I did that with my ex.  I told him that I could see how unhappy he was.  That I wasn't good enough for him.  How I wanted him to be happy (which was the truth...is the truth--on edit--that I did/do want him to be happy).  That if he wanted to leave.....now was the time.  Etc.

He said I'd never survive without him.  I told him not to worry.  I'd be ok.  I'd manage.  He should just go.  Get on with his life.  Find happiness where ever he could.

He went.  It was all very amicable.  We're still on good terms.

Ofcourse, I don't think he's a complete N but he is a hopeless alcoholic and they've certain traits in common.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive.  Sometimes phyically.  So I think I did the right thing.  I'm remarried and so is he.  Life goes on.

Keep working it out in your head.  Maybe get some outside support.  ( I did and my counsellor was a great help.  Sort of kept me from caving into fear and going backward....helped me get my plan together....stuff like that).  Is there a women's shelter in your area? 

Save yourself and your kids.  I bet you won't regret it.

He's kept me so terrified and off balance the last 5 weeks

Is he physically abusive?   I'm just guessing.  No need to answer anything, if you don't feel like it.  No worries.

Here's a hug.  (((((Tre)))))

Sela

I'm still shocked that he put his hands on me at all..... that was when I realised... really really realised....  that I wasn't just dealing with my husband having an affair.  I was dealing with something much larger.  I'm dealing with an N unraveling as I stand up to him.  He assaulted me, never saw it coming, after I acted unconcerned over his threat to divorce me.  I was flippant and very much in control of myself.  I've never wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me.  He hurt me and I never saw it coming.  I didn't see his crazy bleary expression coming either.  He just fell apart and went into bezerko control mode.  Huge red flag. 

I'm hopeful that I can change what I'm doing now...... which just increases my value to him.  I have to take away what it is that he receives from me..... without incurring his wrath.  He'd never let me go.  He'd hunt and torture me to the ends of the earth if I left him.  So... what to do? What to do?  Do I stop shaving and cut my hair and dye it another color, not of his preference?  Do I pass gas in front of his friends and family, lol?  Yep... I'm laughing like a crazy person..... but I'm pretty seriouse, lol. 

I have children so they can't be THE reason I stop giving him back scratches and sex.  He's already trying to hit them when they threaten his supply of my time.  I have to minimize our space in his life.  Distance without letting on that I'm going.  Give him the space to cultivate other more interesting exciting more fulfilling supplies of adulation. How does he always put it..... "limit our exposure, lol."  Man..... mental illness is contagious.  I just hope I can come through this pretty stable.  I've never had to get through anything really large...... with such preciouse cargo in my care.  Children make it very difficult to manauver in the efficiently in the world. 

So...... He's Catholic and his family doesn't really accept divorces.  His ego wants outside adulation AND the family.... to show off in the big new house with the shiny pretty cars and the various assorted vacation homes he tells everyone I wanted, (not true, btw) so that he has to work like a slave to appease me.... he's the victim.  Nice.  <tic>  And I thought all the anger had drained away, lol.  ::sigh:: Not so. 

I have a therapist, who thinks my N is a sociopath.  I have a family that means well..... sort of, lol.  I have good friends.... and a couple understand what's happening to me.  What I have to really get straight.... is that I have myself back.  And make it so.  People pleasing is a very slippery slope.  What do I have to give up of myself.... to repel him, lol?  Man.... if you'd have told me this would be my path 10 years ago, lol.......
Tremusan

[Brigid]

Welcome Tremusan,
I'm very sorry for your situation.  I guess I have a slightly different take on how you should respond to this man.  However, if he is truly a psychopath rather than n, then it may not apply.  I see n personalities as being cowards down deep, and the way to deal with them is to show strength and determination, rather than pretending to give into their wants and desires and need for your adulation.

I think you should find a good divorce attorney and start working on an exit plan.  I always recommend male attorneys to deal with these types as they can be more disarming and intimidating, but that is your choice. 

I wasn't sure from your post--did he have an affair?  Not that it matters, but if he did and is still with you, I wouldn't count on finding a way to have him leave peacefully.  That is not in his DNA. 

I think you need to find a shelter where you can escape with your children.  How old are the kids?  The longer you stick around, the more traumatized they will become.  Hopefully, his family will support you, but blood is thicker than water and they may jump on his bandwagon.  I know my ex-in-laws totally supported my ex, despite all the things he did.

I hope you can start to formulate a plan to leave soon.  It sounds like your situation is dangerous and you need to protect yourself and your children.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Sela]

Hi Tre:

The one thing for certain, the longer you stay with a sociopath, the more terrified you will become.  These people have a nack for making one feel powerless and captive.   Their creme de creme is to convince you to immerse you in paranioa of them, their behaviour, their insanity and they are expert creme de cremers.

I'm glad you have a therapist.  I'm glad you have good friends.  I'm glad you are thinking this way:

I have to take away what it is that he receives from me..... without incurring his wrath.

I have children so they can't be THE reason I stop giving him back scratches and sex.  He's already trying to hit them when they threaten his supply of my time.

I'm not glad that his wrath is overflowing toward the children.    You must protect them Tre!  I'm glad you know you have to get away from this guy and are making a plan.  What will the last straw be?

mental illness is contagious.

In a way, I agree with you.  It definately effects the whole family and after awhile, if it involves rage and paranoia...these seem to envelope everyone, to a certain extent at least.   So that's why getting away soon is so important.  The longer you stay, the more his "sickness"  will effect everyone.  Including your kids.

And I thought all the anger had drained away, lol.  ::sigh:: Not so. 

My guess is you have more anger than even you are aware but so what?  For now, that anger needs to be your fuel and your courage.  Use it to save yourself and your children.  Use it to help yourself stay strong.

What do I have to give up of myself.... to repel him, lol?

Imo, you don't have to give up a darn thing.  It's time to take.  If you must act a certain way in order to escape from a dangerous situation, then you are not giving up but taking...... opportunity.

Sela 

[tremusan]

AHHHH... I can't figure out this board, lol!  Anyway... I tried to respond to your posts, collectively, yesterday.... I don't see it here today.  I should be posting more regularly soon.  No computer at new house yet. 

I'm collecting notes and making copies like mad.   Taping conversations and going to dentist and getting the girls new clothes.... new tires. 

I'm forming an exit plan and being myself in the relationship with my N husband... as much as I can without making him cut off all money. 

The stronger I am..... the more he does, it seems.  It was interesting..... the other night we were in bed and I knew..... just knew from touching him.... that he was "getting off" with someone else or by himself and I told him so.  I told him..."I could tell"... and I always could.  He responded with such venom.... "YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!"  I was astonished.  He then ordered me to do something and I laughed and said "no thanks" as I got up to leave the room.  He responded with a veiled threat that would have shocked me into shaking days before.  I looked at him with the same look he had.... and told him that if he hadn't already lawyered up.... he'd better do it.  I was going to.  Then I left the room and ignored him the rest of the night basically.  He kept coming into the girls' rooms and trying to collect me.  I let him, twice, but he had nothing to say so I left him again. 

The next morning he phoned and asked me "if I was OK?"  This used to really make me mad but I just asked him what he thought.  He told me that we had had a little disagreement over my not wanting to have sex..... that was all.  He basically rewrote the entire evening in his head and told me what I was going to think about it.  Very bizaar....

That night I had stood up to him and told him that he hadn't disciplined our children in the 6 years of their lives.... he had no place stepping up to the plate now and hitting them in the name of discipline.  I looked at him with conviction and his eyes were cold and something else..... not sure.  He sent me e mails first thing the next morning on our States Laws on spanking.  It was titled.... Bad news... so much for your non spanking.  Very disturbing that he's done absolutely NO research for our children's sake.... but for this.  He let me know that if we got a divorce he'd be spanking them often and as hard as he wished. 

I turned the tables and told him that if that was the kind of father he wanted to be.... that was his decision.  I would be reasonable and offer him every opportunity to be a good father.  He could come by for an hour or 2 when he had time.... not have to take them all weekend bc I knew work kept him busy.  this disarmed him and he was left speechless... then thanked me.  I think I'm figuring some of this out. 

Standing up and being rational.  Not letting them jerk you around emotionally.  Being YOU... being strong and knowing what your boundaries are..... enforcing them no matter what they say or do.  That is part of the key... if there truly is a key.  In the end.... I'm going to run... no matter how much wrath I bring on us.  I'll just have to deal.

Tremusan
ps  I really really really hope this comes through, lol.  Anyone who can help please e mail me at Tremusan@aol.com and let me know what I need to know so I can navigate this board more competently; )  Thanks

[Hopalong]

Dear Tremusan,
I do not have experience escaping from an abusive husband but I know that CouldBe is so wise, and I am glad to hear you taking those practical steps.

I say yes yes yes to getting your experiences on record with THE POLICE, with a therapist, and with your lawyer.

I was alarmed when I read you telling him to lawyer up, because I think you might be betraying yourself by alerting him to your intentions. I worry that in your anger you may say things that he will find a way to use against you.

I am so glad you are setting limits but please be careful...I know others here will give you much better advice than I can.

But I send all my support. I am so glad you will free your children from more growing up in hell.

Your anger, I think you need it to fuel you forward but afterward, you'll need to process it with a therapist (or perhaps now too?)...so it doesn't flow back on the kids as you create a drama-free home life for them.

You're posting fine...

Hops

[seeker8]

hi new poster,
here is a site i find very helpful on getting a grip
about personality disorders
and in this case esp as relates to
a kind of differentiation and relatedness
of narcissists and psychopaths or sociopaths...

hope u find it insightful and helpful:)

[mum]

Dear Tremusan. I just wrote you an extremely long post. But since your situation sounds soooo much like mine did 10 years ago, my post started getting unbelieably confusing, as I kept thinking: oh, "she needs to know this", or "this will help" , etc. So I just cut it all.
Anyway, I have a lot to say, probably too much. Some of it practicle, most of it about finding strength and emotional freedom.
If you want to PM me,please do, and I will write back. Just know that others have been where you are, and that life after N's (even if you had kids with him!)  is not only possible, but right there for you to choose. Stay centered and calm. You can break free.  You will find your way.
PerhapsI will just email you seperately.
Mum

[seeker8]

http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/narcissism/paranoidnarcissismspectrum.html

hi new poster,
here is a site i find very helpful on getting a grip
about personality disorders
and in this case esp as relates to
a kind of differentiation and relatedness
of narcissists and psychopaths or sociopaths...

hope u find it insightful and helpful:)