Hi All,
Sela, Gaining Strength, Bean, Kelly and Gratitude28-Beth: Thank you all for your responses.
Sorry I haven’t responded sooner, been sick with flu. I’m a bit foggy headed, so please excuse me if my posts are a bit spacey.
Sela:
Thank you for your empathetic and kind words.
Yes, your are right: The Jekyl & Hyde stuff was confusing and I’m a panic attack veteran. Landed in the emergency room 3 times due to panic attacks.
You’re right re: me trying to figure out if/how Nism, codependence & enmeshment are connected.
In the last few days, I’ve been reading “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody and, wow! I really see myself in the description of codependence. I’ve got a long road ahead to figure out what I am about.
Gaining Strength:
“I believe that you did not enmesh with your mother but it was your mother who enmeshed with you.”
That is a very interesting point, GS. I think you’re right.
“She most probably had not been nurtured and protected as a child, herself and therefore lacked the capacity to provide those essentials for you and instead tried to get love and nurturing from you." Right, again, GS. My mother’s parents (my maternal grandparents) sucked. Therefore, I don’t “blame” my mother for her short comings, but I feel sorry for her that she did not take any action to break the cycle. And, I suffered due to her inaction. When it came to mental health, my mother was very unconscious.
Yes, I think my mother also damaged me due to her love for me. My therapist said that I was unable to marry as long as my mother was alive. Now that she’s dead, maybe I’ll have a chance.
Bean:
Sometimes my mother empathized with my sister and me and sometimes not. My sister was the scapegoat, I was the peacemaker.
Wow, the baseball incident must have been very hard for you to process when you were a child. Yes, I see your point: Your parents made a stink about the 2nd base thing not because it was in your best interest, but because it was a reflection of them: Their family was entitled, special and better. I agree with Stormchild that the coach was an ass and should never have been in a position of authority over kids.
And yet, sometimes, Bean, your parents' Nistic attitude worked for you, but in the big picture, it did not: ie: bad example on handling conflict, which I really relate to. I grew up in a house where my parents often yelled at each other and when I asked why they were fighting, they’d say “we’re not fighting”. Maybe my parent’s relationship is one of the reasons why I’ve been afraid to get married.
Weirdest thing about my mother was that she was very kind to strangers, but could be very nasty to her family. I never understood that.
Kelly:
Thank you for connecting Nism, codependency and enmeshment.
Kelly, you took the words right out of my mouth:
“I didn't know any different. For years I just thought it was normal to have a parent who made me feel guilty, dependent, etc. I had no idea that it was wrong. For years I knew I was frustrated but didn't think it was not right. Now I KNOW it is wrong and am making strides to break the codendency and enmeshment.”
Good for you that you put up a boundary with your Mom about the job interview.
Kelly, I’m with you: My parents usually did not (if ever) defend me and often my Mother would take the position of an adversary and convince me that I was in the wrong.
Kelly and bean: I know you are both in the process of looking for jobs and I wish you all the best.
Gratitude28-Beth
Yes, you’re right: How is this affecting me now? The past is gone. But, I want to understand the past so that I can try to avoid avoidable mistakes in the future.
Wow, Gratitude28-Beth, your insight re: living/dead N parents is profound: If the N parent is alive, the offspring may have hope that the N parent will change. But, we all know that the likelihood of an N parent changing is very small. Yep, either way (N parent dead or alive), the offspring is screwed!!
Yep, as Kelly says, whether the N parent is dead or alive, we cannot win.
Again, thank you all for your insights.
Love and hugs to all of you,
Dazed
