I have been off work for months. First with severe burn out from working for an N boss and having a client load that was too big. Working with children who experienced trauma. At the same time my N partner started an affair. In astrology this is known as a death-rebirth cycle where everything falls away and a person must be reborn.
I have been grieving some someone out of a Greek Tragedy. This is ok but it is perceived by my employer as emotional instability and probable brain injury or somesuch. I have been sent to a psychologist for a full batter of Psych-ed testing and IQ test. This is pretty gruelling given my present state of mind. I don't want to go back to my old job as it existed. There is a LOT wrong with it. There is little or no honouring of working with disturbed children in the bureaucracy I work in. There is no supervision and no debreifing with colleagues.At times I really need the support and experience of colleaguies. So I don't want to go back to work and I want to find alternatives to working where I worked before. I want to work in a supportive and challenging environment but I feel to insecure to even start looking.
I go to a psychiatrist and he has validated that I am not psychotic ( as my N partner would tell me over and over again). I see a counsellor too so I am getting loads of help. However, with the psychologist I fear that my grief is being pathologized into something else. For instance, I told the Dr. that there was too much noise outside my office at work. She replied," how long has noise been a problem for you. can you remember when that first started?" Wellllllllll....... it is too noisy outside my office. People yelling across the room, photocopier going nearly constantly etc.
I am making progress back to health but facing making some more big changes. Change of marital status,. change in health, change in job. initiating separation/divorce. Lots of change and I am trying to hang in there with it all. Right now it feels like I have been pushing a plow up hill for too long.
Fortuneately, I am not crying my heart out anymore and I seem to be able to tackly problems without going into a brain fog.
If anyone has any insights, thoughts or suggestions please feel free to comment.
Sea Storm.
