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Letting go of Mom although the issue of inheritance niggles.

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Discounted Girl:
I am real sure that an N trait is pitting sibling against sibling, even if it requires lies and torture. In our family the NQueenmother had to be in control of everything and alliances were not allowed. She didn't know that sibling alliance normally stems from love, not efforts to overthrow the dictatorship. In our family if someone said "don't worry, I've got your back," -- errrrr, I had to pull the knife out. Wonder how it would feel to have a nice, sweet sister to laugh with and confide in, or to have a brother who made you feel safe with his solid strength, reliability and good humor.  :)

Flo:
Excellent point, DG.  Alliances were not allowed in our family either.  Now that you mention it.  For one thing, Truth was never spoken. You know -- The Elephant in the Living Room thing?  For other, Plots were common, usually I was the one that lead the plot.  I'd gang up with my brother upon "my" little sister.  I would not think of her as "our" sister, and still do not think of our parents are "our" parents.  "We" are not allianced as siblings.  Still, the "family loyalty" is to MOTHER.  It used to be to "the folks," which is what I named "them" since they were as one.  I never could see them as two individuals -- since Mother was 100 percent subjugated under Daddy.  Whatever Daddy said, Went.  On the rare occasions when Mother would state her own opinion, Daddy would find out -- even our thoughts were not free, and then Mother would say she had never said whatever it was she had said, and go along with parroting Daddy's viewpoint.  And what Daddy said was True.

So we were always in some sort of family conspiracy -- since We were Us and everyone else in the world was Other, and Wrong, or Stupid or Dirty, or Ugly, or Mistaken, or Rude, etc etc.  

Flo

rosencrantz:
I really like your idea, rosencrantz, that both my sister's stress and my overloads are the result of being raised by N parents. I wonder how this fact could be brought out to help us in this situation, though?

To recognise that you are both coming from the same place even tho you express it in different ways. It may generate mutual tolerance and understanding.

Yes, DG I'd forgotten that.  I don't have siblings but my mother's sister was exactly like my mother except she had FOUR kids - and they were always set off against each other.  And one had the role of scapegoat, so had everyone else's rubbish projected onto him.   I don't trust any of them and they have a lot of pain.  

I don't know, Flo - if anyone left me voicemails like that, I'd rebel against them.
R

Discounted Girl:
I can remember way back when I felt such love for my little brother. I felt a real sense of protectiveness towards him (only 18 months difference). He had a marvelous quick wit, but was always a little bit shy -- actually I just described myself at a very young age, oh boy. I remember the summers we played in the backyard, climbing trees, riding our bikes and building forts. He was a sweet little kid. Well, about the time he married, he developed a smug attitude towards me. I didn't put much into it, figuring male hormones and the American stud mentality were manifesting. About 6 years later, when I divorced and begin raising my two sons by myself, that's when he, his wife and the NQueenmother really began to show their distain towards me. I now realize that their low opinion of me had forecast defeat, falling on my face and dependency. When none of that happened, they were furious. I didn't react, turned away, pretended not to hear and see and buried it deeper and deeper, hoping it would stop -- still dreaming I could live with the Leave it to Beaver bunch, wishing I was one of the Waltons. I was embarrassed by their words, actions and looks of disapproval. I said nothing, betting it would stop, still trying to prove I was okay and worthy, still wondering if maybe I was picking up the wrong signals, wondering what I had done wrong, and mostly still hoping my dad would step forward and say "leave her alone." I hated family fighting, the NQueenmother's goofy ways made me cringe. Her holiday episodes, her drama, her lies, her manipulations, all designed to control her subjects, to make sure noone had a happy life. I can remember she would lean forward for me to kiss her forehead -- what the f was that all about ????? I felt like I was on the Jerry Springer show against my will. Now I see that little by little, grain by grain, she blew away the foundation of my relationship with my brother. I know of some of the lies she told him, but I am sure I could still be shocked if I knew the scripts of her smear campaigns. So many times what I hoped were her "misunderstandings" were really outright plans of destruction. I go back to my point that it is so unnatural for a parent, particularly a mother to seek to destroy her child, that people believe what is said, even if it sounds outlandish. And the few who didn't believe the lies (most of whom had been N'd by her themselves) chose to remain silent. Who'd a ever thunk it !!   :shock:

Anastasia:
This is just a guess, but kissing on the forehead is how you would kiss a small child, normally.  You take it from there.
Discounted Girl, how well I relate to your letter: my Nmother has always turned against me--or anyone--who disagrees with her at the slightest hint (whether real or not).  An N trait.  
After reading this board and understanding more about narcissism, I am just sad to realize that I never had any chance of a normal mother-child relationship since my Nmother is definitely a classic narcissist.  I understand the reasons...now to get over the hurt and anger is the real chore which seems impossible at this point.

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