The Nmom letter

[liberty]

Hi everybody,

Today I did a major thing. After reaching the end of my rope with the daily phone calls, I wrote Nmom a letter and emailed it. I expect some sort of backlash; perhaps rage and spite or at the very least cold, sarcastic calls. "I didn't call for you. I called for the grandchildren" type of thing.

Any way, it was very difficult for me to do it and I really needed to share. Here is the letter:

I have decided to write to you because I feel that if I try to talk, you will distract me, change the topic or end the conversation.
 
I find that our conversations are one-way, in that you talk about yourself and I listen. I am unable to introduce any topics of importance to me because when I do you usually try to show that you are better / smarter / kinder / stronger/ more organized / by giving examples of you in your life. If you are unable to do this then you either change the topic back to one where you can establish superiority or you end the conversation.
 
Additionally, when you call me you greet me as though I am no one of significance with "yeah" and then you start talking without even finding out how I am or if I am in a position to talk and I am left in the role of your audience. You also become annoyed and sarcastic if I am busy at the time and therefore unable to be your audience.
 
Also at  times when I may not be in the mood to be your audience, you get upset and end the conversation confirming my belief that really my role in your life is to listen to you and praise you and marvel at your cleverness. My feelings are not important.
 
There have been times when I have allowed myself to open up to you about things that matter deeply to me and you have changed the topic while I am in mid sentence back to you. Now I don't feel safe to tell you anything important about my life because you don't really listen.
 
There have also been times when I have shared with you only to find myself at the end of harsh criticisms and thoughtless, stinging comments. I sometimes feel that these are deliberate either to devalue my character or to elevate yours.
 
You expect me to devote my entire being to notice every change or improvement in your life but when it comes to mine, you notice only the things in which you can demonstrate your dominance.
 
I have told you already that our relationship is not what I would have expected. I have used the words "we are not close" but you have never addressed  this. Instead you become defensive and lash out as though I am doing something bad to you. I am not entitled to my feelings. My feelings must always be inline with what makes you feel good or what you want at the time or you will not address them. My concerns are never addressed.
 
Other times that I have tried to talk to you you act as though you are unaware of any dissatisfaction on my part. Again confirming that you pay no attention to my feelings.
 
I would have expected that as a parent you would have fulfilled these obligations to me. I have come to realize that you are either unwilling or unable. I have also come to accept that as your own separate individual you are allowed to act and behave in any way you choose that is best for you.
 
As a separate individual however, I do not wish to participate this this type of one way relationship. It is emotionally draining. I would love it if we could have a meaningful two way sharing and caring relationship.
 
If this is not possible however then I ask that you respect my feelings as someone separate from you and refrain from using me as an audience to your greatness. I would like to enjoy our interactions but I cannot if the only topic of conversation is you or what you may want to discuss at the time. Sometimes I do need space and time away and I just don't feel like talking about you.
 
If there is no room in your life for someone else besides yourself then I will accept this but I will not accept being used in this manner.    
 

Thanks for listening.

Liberty

[gratitude28]

Wow, Liberty,
May I copy and send this to MY mother?
In all seriousness, it is a wonderful, thoughtful letter. Please be prepared for it to be ignored, joked about or somehow used against you, though. In spite of the depth and perfection of the descriptions, she will find some way to tear it apart. Or she will tell everyone that you have always been the "difficult one" to deal with.
I commend you on a true piece of literature. There ought to be a handbook with your letter as the example of how an N parent treats his/her child.
Lots of love, Liberty.
How are you feeling now?
Love, Beth

[liberty]

HI Beth,

Thanks for your encouragement. As always you are very kind and thoughtful. Right now I feel totally drained and tired. I feel as though I have nothing left.

I don't expect any positive reaction from Nmom. The best that I can hope for is that she will stop calling me every day. The aftermath of this is not going to be pretty but it's what I need to do. I have to move on.

If I don't do something, I may lose my temper very badly and curse her or worse and I don't want her to bring me to this. But she has to stop her harassment. I can't take it anymore.

Lib

[moonlight52]

Very Brave Liberty ,

I wrote a similar letter(n dad)and got a call back by the end of the conversation I was begging for the letter to be torn up.............

Stick to your guns N's respect that.......So I have been told!!

very truly yours

An ex doormat 

[CB123]

Good for you, liberty!  I suspect that your letter will do you a world of good and will not do much for her either way.  The fact that you even had to write the letter probably already tells you that.

I think that setting that kind of verbal boundary creates a line in the sand for YOU.  She will still try to step across it (or drag you across it!  )  But because you have said it "out loud" you will always remember where the line is.  Just don't forget that with N's you can't set a boundary only once....

If she reacts badly, it will rattle you for sure.  So come back here if it does.  I'm always up in the middle of the night!!!!

CB

[Hopalong]

Liberty,
You are so well-named.
I believe what CB said...saying it out loud has moved you to a new space in your relationship to yourself. A positive and self-respecting relationship with yourself. That is the most wonderful outcome of your writing this letter and sending it. No reaction that she has or does not have can take it away.

One other thing, much more prosaic.

You could consider getting and using caller ID.
A person who is in a positive and self-respecting relationship with herself knows and feels right about knowing, that she is innately entitled to peace in her own home. This is a natural right.

((((((Liberty))))))

Hops

[penelope]

hi Liberty,

What a wonderful letter!  I am sorry you're feeling so drained after writing it, but after the effort you've expended, it's no wonder.

I applaud your strength and detemination to claim your life back, to set yourself free, to break those chains of bondage! 

YEAH!!!

love, bean

[Dazed1]

Excellent letter, Liberty.

Yes, it should be published.

I deeply admire your courage and integrity.

Odds are that your Nmon will try to make you feel bad about it.  If this happens, please do not let her get to you.

Best of luck with this.

Dazed

[seasons]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((LIBERTY))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your letter was breathtaking, done with such class and grace. I felt such a release of all that stuff they give, which is so heavy to carry.... (you/we, all of us)

Liberty, it still amazes me how identical each N can be. You spoke of every thought, emotion, treatment, abuse I have ever received. Which sadens me, because I know your pain, a pain I wouldn't want for anyone to experience, I'm sorry you were on the receiving end of such cruelty. hugs!

One of my n's is mostly out of my life, the other one I would love to send this email to, but would you believe she doesn't have a computer, of course she doesn't it can't listen to her!

Your letter I will carry in my thoughts, as it represents so much, words I could never find, but you found them and described them perfectly.

Wishing you a lightened heart and a spirit that is free, free to fill it with a peaceful, joyful heart..... much love seasons

[liberty]

Thanks to everyone for all of your support through this difficult time.((((everyone))))

I have an update.

Almost 24hours had passed since I sent the letter when I thought to myself: "OK she gets the message and has decided not to speak to me. This looks good."

I put on one of my favourite songs "The Way You Look Tonight by Lou Rawles" and I danced all by myself. My mood was improving." Then.............

The phone rings. It's Nmom. She did not give me the "yeah". I got a "hello". She said that she had tried to call earlier but she did not get through. I told her that I had to take one of the children to the doctor. (Nothing major)

We discuss the medical situation for a short while and then she lauches back into the abyss of never never land. Well you know I.....and I ......and today I....


So I just had to ask the question: "Did you get me email?" This is her response word for word:

"Well yes I saw something but  I only glanced at it. I will have to read it later to see if I can figure it out" I asked her what she did not understand. She said: " Well that person you are describing there is not me!"

I said "ok" but explained to her that this evening is my 10th anniversary dinner and  I had to go and prepare for it. She actually doubted me that today was the day (because the being the one with the perfect memory actually forgot it) and reluctantly said " Congratulations" and the conversation ended there.

At least I said what I had to say. Her reaction just proves that what I said in the letter is true.  Thank you Couldbe123, I remember where my boundary is and I feel more capable and able to refer to it now.

Lib

[Jade]

Hi Liberty:

Voice is power. Voice creates space, self, presence. It means being seen, heard, counted and known. You were not voiceless. You used your voice in your very clearly stated letter. It took real guts to send it. Congratulations.

Your mom's denial made me think of something I have imagined doing with people who dominate the conversation. I've imagined a few possibilities, making it like a sociological study:

1. Ask to time each person, then get a watch out and do it. Each person has 30 seconds, then must yield to the other. Do this for 5 minutes.

2. Explain mirroring and ask to be mirrored for 5 short sentences, then do it in return. See if she can repeat word for word what you said even once.

3. Audiotape the conversation with a handheld tape recorder, then transcribe it. Calculate how long each person talked, how often each talked about herself, how many times each interrupted the other, and whether any mirroring or responding went on.

[penelope]

(((((((((((liberty))))))))

Ha!  this is so classic, I think we have the same mother.  oh gosh "I couldn't figure out who the person was that you were describing..."

oh dear, poor little ol' me

this is so classic!!  My N Mom DID THE SAME THING.  I almost wished she'd rage like she used to.  That felt better to me for some strange reason.  When she just denied and claimed amnesia, I sort of felt let down.

bean

[gratitude28]

UNBELIEVABLE AND AMAZING

Laughable if it weren't so sad...

And you know what???? Had someone said soemthing like that to me, I'd have spent weeks miserable and embarrassed... probably wouldn't have left the house until I had figured out how the heck I was going to change and possibly apologize.

I am truly flabbergasted that a person could just gloss over such a heartfelt message...

Honestly, I know if I sent a letter to my mother of that sort, she would just say I had always been difficult and would probably share it with everyone with nasty comments about how I have never cared about her...

Well, Liberty, you have shown us a textbook example of life with an N...

Thank you so much for sharing all this.
Love, Beth

[mrt]

My mom once got a "boudary letter"  from me....she sent it back and wrote "whatever" on the back of the envelope.

I could tell though that she ran it through her fax machine so that she could ALWAYS have a copy for future reference. (I bet my family will find it among her things when she dies) 

Hopefully, (but doubtfully) you will get the kind of response you want.  Don't hold your breath. I feels good to get it off your chest though.

hugs
MrT

[gratitude28]

Wow MrT,
Unbelievably unbelievable. My goodness!!!! How absolutely childish!
I have been meaning to write to you. I saw your original post and you espressed a lot of what I am feeling... just a kind of void and puzzlement. I have been trying to be the "good daughter" for so long... keeping up on contact, etc. because I felt guilty for leaving... I stopped, and, guess, what, she could care the less unless she is bored. I could have done this years ago and saved myself so many guilt feelings. Of course, I am the one who established the guilt feelings... no one else in my family seems to worry about anyone else.
Welcome back, Mr T
Love, Beth