The Nmom letter

[mrt]

Beth,
I feel for you and understand completely.

After a falling out 5 years ago with my Nparents, I decided I wasn't going to invest/waste anymore of my life FOR them.(I was in utter turmoil for a few years afterward....)  The years keep rolling on by, the guilt rears it ugly head every now and again, but I realize it's a two way street to have a relationship. I gave 'em the best years of my life. If they don't want to make an effort to have me in their life then that's their problem and not mine.

My lesson learned is that operating out of guilt is an exercise in futility!

hugs
MrT

[liberty]

Hi everyone,

If I could say sorry for all the abuse that we all have suffered at the hands of these individuals.

((((((((everyone))))))))

Last night I dreamt that I ran a long, wooden steak through my mother's chest and she died and ..... I did not feel bad about it. What does this mean?

For those of you who read my early posts you would know that I grew up with a horrible father who was very abusive and openly dangerous. I called that post "A rock and a hard place".

Now when I reconsider my life, I think that the damage that my mother has done to me is far worse because at least with my father it was very clear how he felt. He did not pretend. He did not try to win my trust. It was easier to put him in a category and deal with it because he was a known entity. I knew he was wicked and so my guard was always up.

With this one now (Nmom) I always felt as though I was sitting alone on a swing in a beautiful garden but there was light horror music playing in the background. It did not match and it was damned scary. It was like living with a monster but this monster takes care of you and feeds you so you have no choice but to learn to live with it. So if it means that you have to disable your defenses and your rational mind so that you can keep it calm then you do this for survival. I see my mother like an octopus monster.

Now as an adult my task to is to enable these defenses and turn back on the rational mind because the monster does not "feed me" anymore. The books that I have read and all the wonderful posts and thoughts that I have read here, send me the message that "Hey, you're not in horror music wonderland anymore. Put back on your defenses and RUN. RUN for your life!"

At this moment I don't even want Nmom to care. I just want her to leave me alone. Beth, as you have so correctly said in my first post. What a pair of rubbish parents I had.

Lib

[Hopalong]

I always felt as though I was sitting alone on a swing in a beautiful garden but there was light horror music playing in the background. It did not match and it was damned scary

.

This is so evocative of what you went through, Lib. I can relate. Perfect home, appearances, manners, and a sense in the child of something being horribly wrong. Errgh.

Your letter was a heroic effort to be heard. She's not capable.

You say that all you want is for her to leave you alone.

Well, you can't control her. She may try to call you every five minutes for as long as she breathes.
The thing you CAN control is to use the relationship to examine your bottom line, decide how much compassion you wish to show and how you'll maintain detachment. The biggest thing is, you get to practice setting boundaries with her, for as long as you chooose to.

Since I share a house with my Nish mother, I have had a great deal of practice in this. What I've observed is that setting a boundary isn't completely useless. In my experience when it's a NEW boundary, Nish Mom will test it over and over and over. Just as when I was raising a toddler, I do have to repeat it over and over and over. After some time (and in some cases a looooooooooong) time, she accepts it.

The key has been, I think, that I have to commit to that new boundary. The moment I go back on myself and ingnore it, we're back at the word Go, and I have to start the retraining her cycle all over again. But once I incorporate that boundary into a routine thing I say or do for my own well-being, and do it consistently from now on until it becomes (it really does) a natural behavior...then things with her do change.

Only because I've changed my half of the equation. The outcome has to be different in some way when that happens.

good lluck, keep sharing...

hugs,
Hops

[Bones]

Hi everyone,

If I could say sorry for all the abuse that we all have suffered at the hands of these individuals.

((((((((everyone))))))))

Last night I dreamt that I ran a long, wooden steak through my mother's chest and she died and ..... I did not feel bad about it. What does this mean?

For those of you who read my early posts you would know that I grew up with a horrible father who was very abusive and openly dangerous. I called that post "A rock and a hard place".

Now when I reconsider my life, I think that the damage that my mother has done to me is far worse because at least with my father it was very clear how he felt. He did not pretend. He did not try to win my trust. It was easier to put him in a category and deal with it because he was a known entity. I knew he was wicked and so my guard was always up.

With this one now (Nmom) I always felt as though I was sitting alone on a swing in a beautiful garden but there was light horror music playing in the background. It did not match and it was damned scary. It was like living with a monster but this monster takes care of you and feeds you so you have no choice but to learn to live with it. So if it means that you have to disable your defenses and your rational mind so that you can keep it calm then you do this for survival. I see my mother like an octopus monster.

Now as an adult my task to is to enable these defenses and turn back on the rational mind because the monster does not "feed me" anymore. The books that I have read and all the wonderful posts and thoughts that I have read here, send me the message that "Hey, you're not in horror music wonderland anymore. Put back on your defenses and RUN. RUN for your life!"

At this moment I don't even want Nmom to care. I just want her to leave me alone. Beth, as you have so correctly said in my first post. What a pair of rubbish parents I had.

Lib

The symbolism in your dream is so striking!!!  Driving a stake through you Nmom's heart because she is a vampiress determined to suck your life essence out of you to feed her own narcissistic needs!  Whoa!!!!

Bones