hi everyone, i am new to this forum

[la paloma]

hi everyone, i am new to this forum, i wonder if anyone could relate to whats on my heart so heavily right now...

     I am/was an oldest daughter, i have a sister who is two years younger,.. i am 26...anyhow... our parents were both N type people, i was chosen to be my mothers favorite and my sister was chosen to be my fathers favorite,  but the battle lines were never fixed in that warring household. father would complain about mother to me, and then mother would complain about father to me, all in secrecy, .. i wonder if they expected a 2 or 3 or 4 yr old, to be their support center.  When my mom was mad at my dad, she hurt my sister. when he was mad at her, he hurt me, and this went on, in both of our lives... its not nesary to tell anymore.. but.. long story short, my sister is reliving the abuse from childhood, with living with an abusive man, her boys,.. im sad over her boys becasue they are taking on the same roles i knew well.. but.. dunno.. maybe this is to much to share for a first time post...my mother still manipuakltes me, denies my voice,. i have to carefully choose my words, to know how to comfoprt her and enourage her and be her scape goat, in a sense, ive had to learn to be responsible for her and i often feel so much older inside than i can describe...ive had to use reasoning in place of feeling, in a way its been a good thing, becasue i am very intelligent.. but it wasntw orth it to me, to be an adult still looking for love and acceptance,,, looking for encouragemnt.. i have chosen to stay single becasue its safe that way.. i wont continue the cycle in my life...anyone have suggestions how i can get my mom to see i cant be her counselor naymore? i tried to tell her and she was hateful, like.. she is nice and mollified if i serve the purpose she has melded me to fulfill, but if i say anything she doenst like, she is hateful, .. she hasnt hit me since i was 18, but she likes to use silence, to punish me, sarcasm and  hate speech.,within the last few months, she expressed it in hateful twisted word emails. i kinda really feel stuck becasue i really belive she has been stringing me along promising me to help get my drivers liscnse all this time, becuase she must feel like she has to be needed,... and when im in teh car with her i feel trapped.. i go to school fulltime now, i use the bus for that but i have serious proboems with my legs and  cant walk too far.. when im going to school, i walk 20 mins to bustop everymorning.. thats a lot,,., i use dto be able to juist walk everywhere i wanted to go and that was freeing. I was living on my own, when iw as rasing my sisters oldest son, from age 5 months to almost 3, before she got him back and i couoldnt see my neophew anymore.. then i moved in with my great aunt, i live unde rthe same roof but we have seperate lives. she dienst  bug me an di dont bug her.  So its like living alone.  I would like to wlak to do the things i need to do, and use the buses more, but i cant do that now.. i may need surgery again.. anyway,, sorry if i said too much.. i dont want to bother anyone...

~April

[moonlight52]

Welcome la paloma,

When parents expect children to satisfy their emotional needs this is so painful.
I am very sorry this happened to you..
Never a bother here this board is very caring.
You came to the right place.........


Love to you
moonlight

[pennyplant]

Welcome, La Paloma.

It's okay to tell us what you need to say.  We've heard and said all kinds of things here.  I do understand that feeling of not wanting to say too much.  But really, it's okay.

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

For me, writing here helps alot.  The more you write the more you will find people who understand what you are going through.

You are in a difficult situation - one that many of us can relate to.  I have found that dealing with my parents is a no win situation.  But it would not be different if they were no longer living because I have so deeply internalized them. 

When you asked the following question, "anyone have suggestions how I can get my mom to see I can't be her counselor anymore?" you followed it by saying, "I tried to tell her and she was hateful."  I can't tell you how many times I have seen many people here post similar statements.  The real problem is that Ns aren't likely to change or to understand. It is very common for them to respond to our stated needs by being hateful and for some reason that sucks us in to try to mollify them.  It comes down to the difficult choice - it's either her or you.  I know that's not much of a choice.  Most of us here have had to face the same one.  It is not easy and it does not get easier at any age.  But if you can pick YOU while you are in your 20s you will be way ahead of the game. 

So glad you are here.  Come often.  Post and read.  You will come to see that so many of us will understand what you are dealing with because many of us are dealing with very similar family relationships.  It is such a help to find kindred spirits in such a troubling situation.  - your new friend - Gaining Strength

[la paloma]

thankyu for yur posts,, i really do feel i have come to the right place,, i belive that some of teh best happenstances, seem to be inspired accicdents,,

[Hopalong]

Hi LaP, and Welcome,
I'm glad you're here.
I think off the bat that your growth is going to be in letting go of an outcome with your mother.

Next most important is learning to set boundaries.
Have you read any books by Pema Chodron?

I think she would help you a lot.

This is a very good place to be exactly who you are, and work through things one at a time.

Welcome!

Hopalong

[la paloma]

what are those books about

[seasons]

Welcome la paloma,

I read with sadness the pain you have suffered. I'm so sorry but am so HAPPY you are reaching out for help and support. Your voice is beautiful, speak often we are here to listen and help in anyway we can.

I hope you can gently brake the grip of pain and dependency, one step at a time.
(seasons)

[la paloma]

sometimes i get sio caught up in the maze that i cant find a way out.. othertimes, i feel so battered down from all these years that i feel weak inside

[CB123]

Welcome La Paloma!

I understand what you are saying about feeling weak sometimes, or caught in a maze.  What has really helped me is finding this board and realizing that a LOT of people feel that way sometimes.  It makes me feel less alone and DIFFERENT.

If you feel like posting during those times, it really does help.  Sometimes it helps simply to write it down!  But there are also lots of people here who have walked this path before you that can give you ideas and company on the trip.

Many blessings--

CB

[Hopalong]

HI LaP,
Pema Chodron's books are based in Buddhist philosophy, but I ignore that part since I'm not Buddhist or looking to be.

But her way of thinking opened up something new for me. The books are about trying on a new way of thinking that doesn't force or shove or push, but lets... It talks about letting things be what they are, and in an odd way it gives you strength.

Hard to describe, but I hope you'll try one. When Things Fall Apart really amazed me.

I'm very glad you're here. You have the strength to post, and sometimes that's the start you need.

Be strong or weak, just be who you are, and keeping using your voice here.

You'll be heard, and I think that will be a good new feeling.

Hopalong