See through it...

[axa]

I would really appreciate comments on this post.

Today I have been reading the following.... receive your demons because when you fight them you empower them.... dont renounce it, see through it.  What you need to do is understand.  If you understand you simply drop the desire for it."

Condensed it a little but that is more or less it.  Well I have been thinking about this.  I do obsession very very well, fighting with XN in my head, imagining scenarios, what I would say what he would say etc.  So I thought about in my anger what was I renouncing.  Lots of blaming him, dont worry not letting him off the hook,  but what kept me there.  I could see what was going on.... clear as day and I stayed and stayed and stayed.  The behaviour got worse and worse.  I knew about NPD before I met him.  I have plenty of warnings and signs that there was a possibiity he was heading this way but I kept on in there. 

Ok I can say at one level I thought if I loved h im enough he would change etc..... you all know the story but when I look beneath that behaviour and there was me putting me on the high moral ground, me being the victim, me being the long suffering partner, me being very very visible by all our friends as the one who was soooooooo nice and who was being treated so badly. 

So there was all of that stuff going on.  But if I look through that with real honesty what was going on was that I WAS PUNISHING ME.  Now this feels like a real truth.  On another thread I said that I did not know why I did not block his number etc but if I do that I stop punishing me.  This feels like very significant stuff for me.

I have been in this relationship for the past two years with my eyes wide open, measuring, remembering, gathering up the bad things so that I can be right and good.  Hell, I wanted it.  This feels amazing to admit this.  I really did not know it.  I wanted it.  I wanted to be punished and I wanted someone to blame.  The more he punished the more "honourable" weird word to describe it but it feels right, I felt.  I wanted the punishment.

Today when I was in my car everytime I started thinking about him, us, etc I just said to myself "I want to punish myself" and boy does the anxiety and anger disappear.  I feel quite peaceful when I own this.  It really creates a distance between him and me.  I am not being hard on myself I think I am accepting a reality I was not aware of. 

I feel less desire to obsess..........bet you are all thinking Thank God for that as I have spent so much time on here today venting....
This is about me.... and so the work goes on.


Thank you all sooooo much


axa

[SilverLining]

Today when I was in my car everytime I started thinking about him, us, etc I just said to myself "I want to punish myself" and boy does the anxiety and anger disappear.  I feel quite peaceful when I own this.  It really creates a distance between him and me.  I am not being hard on myself I think I am accepting a reality I was not aware of. 

I feel less desire to obsess
Thank you all sooooo much


axa

It looks like a significant insight to me.  When we back up and really own our feelings, then change can begin.  I spent a lot of time sort of reveling in my own unhappiness and dissatisfaction over what I had defined as a dysfunctional unbringing.  Of course at the time I didn't realize I was reveling in it.  I just thought of myself as the unhappy and depressed product of a dysfunctional environment. Many hours were devoted to uncovering "truths" about my past.  But then I woke and realized this is all just a "model" I am continuously recreating for myself.  I was not above and outside the dysfunctional past just because I felt awful about it and kept revisiting it.   When I started making these connections, my anger started to dissipate. I'm the one creating the anger NOW over images I have of my past.   It's hard to accept responsibility, but also very freeing.   

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - I am rejoicing with you.  You entire post makes perfect sense to me.

I firmly believe that "I have spent so much time on here today venting" is part of the healing process.  While i recognize that venting can become a broken record and a reflection of being "stuck", my experience is that venting is the way that I get to the healing.  For several years I was very critical of myself for venting because it felt stuck but now I see that my experieces mirror the process you have just experienced.

I also believe that your ability to say, "But if I look through that with real honesty what was going on was that I WAS PUNISHING ME." without shame and personal recrimination is a profound display of healing.  I am so proud of you - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Wow, Axa:

I feel quite peaceful when I own this....I am not being hard on myself I think I am accepting a reality I was not aware of.

 

Yes! I hear how this is not shame but your grateful embrace of reality. I used to say a lot, "Reality is my friend." I think it is.

TJr...such maturity. Thank you.

GS, You gots ta vent until it's all vented. Rinse, repeat. Until it works. I get it.

Hops

[mrt]

Axa,
That's terrific! What you are doing is processing....Initially I did the exact same thing...I remember the anger, the scenarios I played in my head....so many nights....so much energy....I had to think it through...I had to know that I wasn't imagining...I had to grieve....the losses of so many things.  I had to realize that I was victimized and had to grieve over that as well....

Sounds like you are getting there....Vent away....Vent away...That's what we are here for...I vented - others vent.. go ahead and share.  Just getting it out will help you...don't worry if others don't respond or go off on their own tangents.

Hugs
MrT

[axa]

Thank you all for your supportive and insightful posts.

Somewhere in me I know this is about ME accepting responsibility.  I wanted to be passive I wanted things to make themselves right.  The less responsibility and more passive I became the more crazy the situation got.  I am beginning to feel grown up about this.  I am not a helpless child who is tossed around by an angry adult anymore and I need to KNOW this.

Disowning my responsibility for me and putting the responsilbity on another...... usually an N is how I replay the old scenarios.  I feel like I have been brought to this place kicking and screaming I do not want to grow up.  Please Take CAre of Me.  I am expecting and N to take care of me when I quite obviously do NOT take care of myself.  I want to blame but I have been pointing the finger in the wrong direction. 

XN is only a sympthom of this.  He is not the cause.  I know people who would not touch XN with a pole, why, because they know how to take care of t hemselves and would have read the signals a long time ago.  The difference is I saw the warning flags but I stayed they would not have. 

Growing up is what much of this is about for me.  I need to grow up.  In my heart I know that if i do not accept this challenge now I will be right back in the games again..

With XN I vented and vented and vented.  His ears were ringing.  While I am venting here it is in a different way.  Yes it mirrors somewhat what I was doing with him but the difference is that I am taking responsibility here.  I am trying to move away from blame, his and mine and own my part in all of this.  I allowed it.  I was punishing me.  The more I own these feelings and insights the less pain I feel. 

Detachment, awareness...... let them come to me.


axa

[Hopalong]

They're coming, Axa!

You have prepared the ground with your honesty.

Hops