Author Topic: I offered...big mistake  (Read 1727 times)

seasons

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I offered...big mistake
« on: December 19, 2006, 12:24:30 PM »
Hi everyone,
Last week my sister P had surgery. I dropped of gloves that were in the shape of good luck (two fingers crossed) before her surgery and left them on her door step.
I thought this is SAFE.

Then during her recovery we (sister T other N) went to visit and offer support. I called her (always extremely difficult to do she over powers the conversation at 100%) I felt confident, kept my ground, told her to be quiet and give me a list of food I could pick up
(this sis P hates accepting help of any kind then cries she is all alone) I finally get my list.
I go shopping actually feeling happy, get the fews things she needed and went along to her home.
I had not seen her in the past year except twice briefly. I felt like not one day has gone by, same old same old. I new what to expect, I removed myself and held my own. I left after a about three hours, she begged with her puppy dog face, to stay longer I simply said no I have to go.
As I left I said if you need me for x, y. or z call me the NIGHT BEFORE and we can make plans. My other sister N who I had to make toast for because the crackers were to HARD, stated why don't you let us leave, we have been her long enough stop doing that. I couldn't say that but I was relieved to her one N speak up to the other. Sister P lowers her head and says oh I"m just having so much fun I don't want it to end.
Fast for ward to yesterday morning, I've know in between sister T is promising sister P she will pick her up and bring her for a drive, sister T does not follow through, no surprise.

Then out of the blue I get a message about 10:30 in the morning from Sister T (one who had surgery) saying she was coming by with coffee. Statement not a question #2 we can have coffee in my car I will not come in. What the F does that mean??
She leaves me her cell # and home (which I've had my whole life) she mentions she is going to charge her phone now, acting like she is plugging in her cell.
I called her back....................................over 30 times between home and cell. I'm not dressed, haven't showered, was actually going to color my hair (ya know what that means ladies!), I had plans to hang out with my girls and relax has it has been hectic....shopping and stuff.
Do i jump in the shower? Is she on her way? Why doesn't she answer one of her phones? I decide to shower and dress and the heck with it, she can sit and wait for me if she has to.
I get dressed, tidy up and now an hour as gone by no word and I can't get ah-old of her STILL. Maybe she has changed her mind?
Finally I make the another call, she answers all happy. WHERE are you I said, I've tried to call you back and your cell is sending me right to voicemail.
She answers, oh really???  I'm two minutes away she says, I have to go to the bathroom, do you want me TO STOP AT A STORE OR CAN i USE YOURS? What the F does that mean????????????????????????????????? I'm sorry for my letter language but I"m ready to break by now.
I say of course you can use my bathroom and we hang up. She comes in, sees the girls (I homeschool she despises it with every being in her body, fine but why come during our day.
I took a piece of paper and wrote "HI SIS" with a Christmas bow on top and put it up in my bathroom! That felt great, I lightened you up your arrogant *****. She laughed at least not at me.
I'm thinking inside I did offer to visit with her but I know I said, CALL THE NIGHT BEFORE. She never answered her cell, that way I couldn't say no, or later today would be better etc.
I have a construction worker also siding our dormers while she is here, fun! DH does me a favor picks up my girls and goes to pick up my oldest at school, yes I have a highschooler that needs a ride home.

She has been here long enough and I say do you want to go to Hallmark and look around, she says sure I'd LOVE to go, all happy as my day is upside down. I just want her out of our home before my husband comes back, he doesn't deserve her fake how are you ####.
We went out browsing at our strip mall. I was out for SIX yes I said SIX hours with her. I was in her car, we took a break in her car before we went into another store and she talker, talked and talked. Poor her, cried, how hard she works, her grandkids are her life, still wipes tears. Looks like she is so lonely, in need of company big time she loads on me, doesn't want to go back to her empty home. (i think she saw a mouse another story)
We go to the next store, she is in pain but is not leaving!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say yet again you need to go home and get some rest. Her reply I need to use my arm I might have to go back to work.
I get to my house, finally I am free!!!!!!!!!!!! Now she starts to cry again

#1 IIIIIIII miss mom and dad. On forever how she was the perfect daughter.
#2 Misses my brother (who has passed on) cries some more, tells me how our neighbor told her she was like a second mother to
     him. What??????????????????
#3 Tells me HER brother is her guardian angel (some physic told her) and he will be waiting to greet HER when
     she goes to heaven.
#4  Tells me how bad she feels for our brother. (Who is a drunk, womanizer pig, gambler, looser who never grew up) and
      how she wants to help him, he's separated for the umpteenth time. Broke riding around In a brand new red convertable.
      I'm silent, I feel nothing except disgust for my brother at this time.
#5  She tries to express how our brother above is like a gosh darn saint. And has been broken by his ex, who she hates. I actually am happy for her that he is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     She wont stop telling me how she is their for our two brothers, she feels sorry for them etc................. And she is the holy angel saving them from all the evil that is being done to them. NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They live in a drunken state 24/7, with a few hours of recharge before the next binge.

My two sisters behave differently, but they both are N"s both are SIANTS, well they one actually says she is and the other implies she is. SICK.............................................................. :(

I finally shut the door as I was still standing on the walk as she cried more poor me tears. Returned to my home. I walked in full of rage, left a shell, a person who was going to explode!

Gave kisses goodnight. Then stayed up until 6a.m. this morning, going over how I did it again.

p.s. I forgot to add one of my brothers stopped by with his new floozy, did not call the day before. We hadn't seen eachother in over six months. Acted like an ass and left. I was bull he didn't even call, my kids were shocked to see his girlfriend and not their auntie. Another story. sad.......................

(On a side note she tells my 11 and 13 year olds how they are going to be bringing their kids/my grandkids over one day and have all the type of fun she is having with hers. Excuse me can I enjoy my family first, it was like she was erasing them, lets fast forward to a much better life, your not good enough (to my kids) to me (you don't know what happy is until you have grandkids) her stuff she dumps. She is 15 years older than me!

How to make my home a safe place.
RULE ONE: Do not answer ANY phone calls. Do not return any messages.
RULE TWO: I am having my car taken off my property for a month at least and will do errands etc. when DH gets home. That way they will not sit waiting for me to answer the door. NO proof I am there!!!!!!!

Pretty bad, I can do it, it is extreme as far as hiding my car but it needs to be done.

And I thought I was doing better. Oh my gosh I fell off the cliff of backwards improvement.

I have lay ed in bed thinking of selling my house and moving far, far away. So for the time being I need to make myself look like I do not live here anymore.

Venting out my frustration, that I fell again.  Sleep deprived me=rambling nonsense :(
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou

CB123

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Re: I offered...big mistake
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2006, 04:10:37 PM »
....or just set the phone down on the counter and let her talk.  She probably won't even notice!

Seriously, I think Bean is right.  It feels like a big step backward, but sometimes it's those steps that end up propelling us the farthest. 

I know just how you feel.  I cant tell you how many times I have ended one of those crazymaking episodes furious with myself because I got sucked in again.  But you learn something everytime it happens.  None of it is wasted--although it sure makes you want to SCREAM!!!!!

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

CB123

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Re: I offered...big mistake
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2006, 07:08:55 PM »
Oh, seasons!  What a NEAT husband!!!!

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

reallyME

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Re: I offered...big mistake
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2006, 07:10:16 PM »
This post is in comment to seasons and then my friend Penelope


Seasons, I'm sorry for the pain you have in your life with two N'istic sisters.   I have some comments:

Quote
She comes in, sees the girls (I homeschool she despises it with every being in her body, fine but why come during our day.


I understand how that feels.  I, too am a homeschooler and have caught a lot of FLACK from people over it...especially FAMILY MEMBERS!!!  ugh  I just want to tell everyone to BUTT OUT sometimes!  In the case currently, I was TOLD I was going to homeschool my daughter, and then I was later accused of it by, when things weren't going rightly, him saying "well you're the one who WANTED TO HOMESCHOOL HER!"  THIS REALLY UPSET ME!  I did NOT want to homeschool her...I wanted to go to college and find ME again after the Jodi crud.


Quote
#2 Misses my brother (who has passed on) cries some more, tells me how our neighbor told her she was like a second mother to
     him. What??????????????????

I'm wondering what the What????????????? was about here.  Do you have a problem with your neighbor having other "mothers"?


Quote
(On a side note she tells my 11 and 13 year olds how they are going to be bringing their kids/my grandkids over one day and have all the type of fun she is having with hers. Excuse me can I enjoy my family first, it was like she was erasing them, lets fast forward to a much better life, your not good enough (to my kids) to me (you don't know what happy is until you have grandkids) her stuff she dumps. She is 15 years older than me!

that is trying to UNDERMINE your parenting and yes, ERASING.  Not kewl at all!


Penelope...I believe I went through all 6 steps and am half thru the 7th.

Quote
7) Realization and Apathy
Once you effectively block all means of communication with the Narcissist as efficiently as possible, protect yourself from them as much as you can, gain knowledge and confidence in yourself, you reach a stage of realization that there was nothing you could have done to help or prevent the nightmare that you just lived through. You start looking for effective ways to manage your life, work towards your new future and close the door in the face of the Narcissist. The most effective way that I have found to do this is with APATHY. Apathy works. It requires very little work on your part. You display no outward emotions towards the Narcissist, who seems to forever be trying to re-enter your life for the coveted NS, you yawn frequently whenever they have something to say, you outright IGNORE their existence as if they died.


Quote
Eventually, in a sense they do die, because without your attention, without your sympathy, without your guilt, without your adoration, without your anger, and without your fear, they do wither away and die. If there is nothing for them to affirm their existence through you, and they cannot exist around you. It is not to say that they won't try. They want to be able to evoke an emotional response in you. If you don't give them any, then eventually, like Pavlov's dog they figure out the bowl is empty and move on to the next victim. This stage can take some time, because as we know, the Narcissist does not give up on precious supply sources easily.
Hugs from Still Smilin

This is totally true.  When I refused to be the brunt of the mean "digs" and jokes, when I began addressing the things I saw, when I stood up and said NO MORE, when I told her to go basically "pick on somoene her own size, which amounted to telling her that she needed to only hang with people who were in the HIGHER CLASS ranking such as herself) well, she found a clone, who acts very similar to her, has money like her, is totally into fashion and appearance and image, and LEFT ME ALONE...she then used that clone as her henchman to come drag me through every gulit-trip imaginable for speaking against her "friend."  This henchman also told me that I could only focus on all of her "friend's" good points.  THAT IS WHY I REFUSE TO BOW TO THAT ON THIS LIST OR ELSEWHERE.


liberty

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Re: I offered...big mistake
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2006, 08:31:30 PM »
Hi Seasons,

Thanks for posting this story. I can relate. From the time you give an inch, they take ten miles. Makes you feel upset for falling for the tricks again.

Thank you Bean for the recovery steps. I think I will print it and put it on my fridge. You are so right. I find myself going backward and forward on these steps but each time I try again I do a little better. My last outburst of anger was spectacular but after reading the steps I don't feel so bad about it.

Lib

reallyME

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Re: I offered...big mistake
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2006, 09:18:07 AM »
Hey seasons...A while ago I almost left this board and now I'm really glad I didn't.  The people who I felt were "rubbing" against me in a bad way, well, now, after reading more of your situations, I understand why.  Many here have been through some really hard things that cause them to keep walls up, against me or anyone else who is a bit more bold and outspoken.  IT's all understandable to me now.

About the situation of saying that your sister was like a second mother to you, I'm concerned because several of my children had been in positions of being the second mother to my other children.  The one situation was MY fault, for counseling someone and ignoring my two girls.  The current situation is NOT my fault and is GOING to change because I will change it by telling my husband I am NOT coming back to work at our restaurant.  I see my other daughters now having that attitude of "well, Mom, you are never around so SOMEONE has to take care of things!"  THAT IS THE START OF N'ISM.  I already have 2 daughters that act haughty and self-absorbed.  I'll be danged if the last one turns out that way!

~RM

reallyME

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Re: I offered...big mistake
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2006, 07:10:53 PM »
No no, Seasons, it's all good, I promise.  I understand what you were meaning now, about being told that your siblings were like second mother to you, yet they mistreated you and didn't even deserve that honor.  I wonder someitmes if my younger daughters feel forced into a position of seeing their older sisters as mothers to them, and resent ME for not being there again...this is why things will be changing soon so I can be with my children more.