New Years Hope - for my son

[Gaining Strength]

My 6 year old was diagnosed with ADD when he was 4.  By age 2 the psychiatrist and I suspected he fit that mold.  My husband and I were diagnosed not long before our son was born. 

I don't mind, so much, the hyperactivity.  I knew what to expect and remember so vividly what it was like to be a child unable to sit still and how adults had no patience for me.  The manic like activity isn't a problem for me - it is the caustic personality that is taking a toll on me.  Now that I am stronger I realize that I must do something about it.

Since he was a baby he has hated being alone and has followed me from room to room talking and begging me to play with him.  When I talk on the phone or talk to someone else he is tugging on my clothes or interrrupting or turning up the volume.  When he was two I attributed this to jeolousy and I could tolerate it.  Now it has to end. 

This holiday, I signed him up for several activities but he refuses to go or once we get there he refuses to stay.  This is the part that has completely worn me down. The impulsivity is wearing me out.  He is the pickiest eater and each meal is a fight.  (I quit long ago trying to get him to eat vegetables.  The fight is about what he WANTS to eat and it is always something other than what is prepared.  It is not unusual to give him a choice for breakfast and then once the meal is prepared to have him literally scream because he doesn't want what has been cooked.

We go through this with clothes and when I need him to go somewhere with me. For instance, yesterday I needed to take my cousin to the airport and asked my son to come along.  He threw a fit.  He had to come - it wasn't an issue but to have to endure these tantrums several times a day has worn me down.  I know what the solution is but I haven't had the strength.  Now I am almost strong enough but I can hardly bear to put myself through the torment.  He spends morning, noon and night in front of the TV.  The only way I can break this is to be fully absorbed with him.  I don't have the strength for that.

I gave him puzzles for Christmas and he complained about them, but then he did open one up to do together yesterday.  I bought him little science kits and building toys that we can do together but it is a chore to get him to do these with me. 

I am putting this out here because I feel strongly that I MUST summon the strength to put my foot down on his behavior.  I feel as though I have given birth to a mini N.  He gets so angry and rages and uses caustic sarcasm all the time.

I have to go but hope to finish posting soon. - Gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

Bean I agree with you 100%.  I am all for encouraging good behavior as a priority over punishing bad behavior.  I focus on praising good actions.  It's the behavior that does not work for him or for me that I need to find a way to curtail. 

His difficult behavior is well within the scope of a hyperactive child.  It is just difficult at best and completely exhausting each and every day.

Thanks for your suggestions. - Gaining Strength

[CB123]

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[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((GS)))))))))))

Your son has been through a lot. Your life has been chaotic, and of course he will pick up on that. I agree with CB... create a plan and stick to it.

Make him something to eat. Put it on the table. If he doesn't eat, he will when he is hungry. Clean it up after mealtime and then don't give him anything until the next meal. No emotions. No games. Blank face. No punishment. "OK, I see you are not hungry. Maybe you will be hungry for lunch." (Of course this is harder to do than to say )

Clothes - You can wear this outfit ro this one (two choices). He gets a choice and you made a limit.

Give him plain love. I love you all the time. I don't like what you are doing now. Please come give me a hug when you are feeling better.

My daughter was very clingy as a toddler... her personality, I think. She is very independent now. But we still snuggle and take naps together and she also follows me a lot if we are home together.

GS, you are a kind mom. Don't forget it's the hardest job in the world!!!!!

Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Gratitude and CB - Thank you for your replies.  I have come to see how very sensitive he is.  I am keenly aware of how important a schedule and order are - especially for ADD children.  I can always improve in that area.  It helps to hear again about providing meals at meal time and providing choices for clothing.  In the past we have layed out his clothes for the next day together.  He loves that.  I will try that again.

I have planned many activities to do together but that's the rub.  He can do it only for so long or he will simply refuse.  Over Christmas we made cookies and cup cakes, I planned craft activities to decorate with and had friends over to help - he didn't participate.  I could go on and on. 

I really do need to enlist in a support group.  The big one for ADD is called CHADD.  There isn't a chapter in the city where I live but there is an online chat group for members so I guess I should join.  I believe that part of the problem is our family structure - one parent, one child.  There is not enough diversion built in.  That makes it very, very exhausting.

I think I need to take your suggestions to heart but I suspect that I must get a bit stronger in order to do so.  So for January I may implement a little more structure and work hard on my health - diet and exercise, so that I have the strength to follow through in order to break the pattern of defiance.

Thanks again for listening and for your valuable suggestions. - Gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

I'm going to change my strategy to one in which I try to support and encourage my son. 

If we are late and I ask him to hurry he drags his feet - typical ADD.  I need to treat "late" just like "on time."
If I realize when I ask something of him that I need cooperation and understanding then I can remember to give him cooperation and understanding at that moment. 

He is VERY reactive to stress and so am I.  It is my job to reduce the stress for us both.  I will keep this as my prayer for us in the new year. - GS

[axa]

Hi G.S.

I think what others posted about being clear and loving is really good advice so I will not add mine other than YOU sound exhausted.  I have not dealt with ADD but know when you have any kid acting out it can be really tiring and so easy to get stressed out.

I think about when you are in an aircraft and they say put on your mask before the childs mask.  If you are stressed and overtired you will not be able to put your plans in place and stick to them.  Anyone looking after you?  Can you get more rest?

When my daughter was terribly ill, before she died, I would take a couple of hours a week to do an activity away from her.  I had someone she liked come and sit with her.  When I would come back after the activity I felt so much better able to cope with everything.  One day she said to me I love you but I really like that you take time out.  Sometimes I think we need a break from each other.  this she said with love and I heard it with love.  Taking care of yourself is good modeling for your kids.

Well done for being a loving mother.


axa

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - thank you for your kind words.  I am just starting to get exercise.  That will really help without question.  I used to be quite athletic but all that went out the door when my son was born and then my husband died and my business folded and I crashed into depression and anxiety.  NOW, finally after 5 + years I am clearly on the mend.  Now, I can do something about myself and that is a great suggestion.

It feels so good to read your words.  They are very comforting to me - just what I needed and I didn't even know it. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[moonlight52]

(((((((((((((((((((((axa)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((gs))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

(What Moon said.)

Axa.
GS.
   You have been through so much.

I am so glad you are here, you are beautiful.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops thanks for your kind words.  It is so nice to have such a warm reply.
I have decided to face struggles with positive outlooks.  I have always
wanted to do that but the pain was too great. 

My greatest struggle with my little one is that his ADD brings out
tyrannic rage and demands and triggers my utter inadequacy.  But
I love the title to one of 's books, "Every problem has a spiritual
solution."  So I'm going to look for it.  Plus my favorite prayer is the one
attributed to St. Francis and I have found it to truly change my life.
When I need understanding I will give it.

My mother has been driving me crazy lately and I keep thinking about
what I want to post here about it.  Then I realized I needed to change
my attitude towards her rather than complain.

In short, I like reading your cheerful comments and Moons kind thoughts.
I am moving in the direction of seeking kindness rather than spewing complaints.
Thanks for your kindnesses. - Gaining Strength

[mountainspring]

Hi GS....  Do you have a YMCA where you live?  A couple winters ago my girls were driving me nuts arguing all the time among themselves and with me.  I found a local Y.  They have an indoor pool and are open year around.  They also offer swimming lessons.  I would take them to the Y and let them swim for a couple hours, by the time we got home they were too tired to argue and too hungry to complain about what we were having for dinner.  It was great exercise for them and a couple hours of peace for me.  I would sit on the bleachers and watch them.  Another thing, this Y had an exercise room.  Children 12 and older are allowed to use the equipment, and they have a class for them that instructs them on the type of equipment they can use, how long to use it, and the proper way to use it.  It might be a way for your son to release some energy and enjoy himself at the same time.  Since then I have started them in skating lessons.   Our rink has regular skating lessons and skating hockey lessons also.  Lots of the boys really enjoy the hockey games.  There are regular practice sessions and once he gets started you could drop him off for hockey practice sessions and pick him up when practice is over.  The sessions are supervised by more than one adult and use that time as a break for yourself.  The skating releases a lot of energy too.  I don't know if the hockey is a year around thing but the skating is.  Maybe activities like this would release his energy and give you some breaks too?

(((GS)))

[moonlight52]

Oh yes what a blessing a sensitive child .  All children should be treated in this kindness and goodness it is always the best.

I just had a discussion about physical abuse there are many adults that believe physical abuse is good for children.......................

My children have been raised with not a hair on their heads touched.

Why does'nt everyone understand the way all children should be treated?????

moon

[Gaining Strength]

WOW teartracks - this is wonderfully helpful. I can't wait to explore.  Thank you so very, very much.

I agree with you dear Moon, not a hair on their heads and not a wound to their hearts.

much love, GS

[Hopalong]

Me too, Moon, GS...

I think some adults don't understand it because they have blocked out the memory of their own sensitivity, because it was probably knocked out of THEM in infancy.

TT, btw, it's so very nice to see you posting again!

Hops