level 10

[seasons]

deleted

[dandylife]

You know, it was really interesting reading your post. Alot of times we don't realize how important we are to others. We realize the importance (and the effect) others have on us. Imagine your friend, receiving your email. How confused and maybe hurt s(he) would be. And how your words might affect their self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, I am a big believer in doing what you have to do to protect yourself- what's best for you (go!). I'm just commenting on how what we do makes ripples, also.

Example 1: My daughter and I have a pretty shaky relationship - she 16. Me -divorced from her father (borderline - I long suspected NPD) so she has a long history of dealing with emotional outbursts, histrionics, etc. Anyway, I notice that it's difficult for me to advise her about anything. She scoffs - as if I'm lower than the earth when I say it - but then I notice that she behaviorally responds to what I said. For instance, we live in an apt. bldg. and she has her own car, but no garage space, so she parks outside in the lot. She said she had potato chips that spilled in her trunk for a month and she hadn't vacuumed them up. I said, "whoa, you better do that right away - the squirrels and mice will be looking for food and shelter, they will get in your car!" She scoffed and told me how stupid that was. BUT 9 am the next morning, she's got the dustbuster in hand saying "mommy, how does this work?"

Example 2: My daughter, once again. She went off with her boyfriend for xmas and did not even come home to open gifts with the rest of us. I told her after she got home, "I'd like to talk with you tonight after work." She said "mom, I'm going to stress out for hours wondering what you want if you don't tell me".

I'm a big believer in the "fragility of others". People who bluster and scoff and make sarcastic comments about how "stupid" or "weird" we are probably react the most to what we do and say. I say give it time, don't judge others and recognize your power in saying and doing what you do. As long as you do what you believe and say what you feel is right, your words are having impact. Believe in yourself.

Dandylife

[whoami]

Dandylife,  I appreciate what you wrote.  That was great wisdom there. 

While panic attacks are extremely difficult to deal with I think they might be a trigger of some kind.   What is it about this person strikes such terror in you, seasons?  Just that they are controlling and blunt or that they make you feel like a child when your parent was acting horrible?  Perhaps it goes back further than the person who is triggering up the anxiety?

I had an anxiety attack once that lasted a whole week.  It was triggered by the terror of feeling embarrassed or stupid in front of some collegues of mine.  I was asked to speak at a banquet and just couldn't do it.  Instead I left early and the panic attack just would not shut off.  I realize now that it was more than just terror and flashback to the past, it was actually something chemically wrong with my body as well.  Once that got fixed, I was better able to work on my personal issues with how I felt about myself.  I'm still working on it!!!!!

I wish you rest and peace in your soul for all of the coming seasons, seasons.  God bless,

whoami

[axa]

Seasons,

I could feel your anxiety from your post.  I wish you a peaceful evening and lots of sleep this eveining


axa

[CB123]

Seasons,

I hurt for you when I read your post.  I know what a hard night you had--those two a.m. things are horrible--and I have had those nights where even being touched is painful.  What a sweet husband you have! 

. 

I think you did a great job of handling your "friend".  I know you are really rattled and it feels bad, but when you can stand back and look at it, you will realize that you really handled it well.  And now you can breathe easier, knowing the whole confrontation is behind you and you arent going to have to dread her calls or emails any more.  You can even block her email address if you want to .  I've done that lots, and it just feels GOOD doing it! 

CB

[pennyplant]

(((seasons)))

I want to tell you what a great job you did with something so very difficult to feel and get through.  You did great.  And you let your husband help you at the level you could tolerate.  Just knowing that this former friend answered your heartfelt email with "goodbye" really shows her lack of caring and understanding.  You don't need her in your life and now you have done what it takes to lead her away from you.  A great job all around.

You may need to rest a bit after all this.  It is physically hard on the body.  I have experienced similar episodes and now understand that real, physical, rest is necessary and helpful.  You deserve a break after all this anyway.  The whole thing was hard on you from the moment she contacted you.

Good luck with the films tomorrow, and the Ns.  Maybe the New Year will see a new chapter open up for you after this stressful ending to 2006.  Happy New Year!

Pennyplant

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((seasons))))))))))))))

I could also feel your panic (and remember when it was daily for me as well).
Please take care of yourself. There is nothing so important that it shoudl bring you to this level... What is the worst that can happen in any situation (BTW, you dealt very well with your friend...)... let's see... you don't ever answer the email. She will call or write later and you can say, "I was feeling really bad and needed to work through some things before I got back to you. I hope you understand."
Can you practise something of this sort with the things that scare you/panic you? I have to do this. I do it at night sometimes before bed. Or when I feel things welling up. Think about how things will be when it has passed... In a week, how will things be? A month? 5 years???? Will it still be important? Does it help make it less scary?
Take care seasons. Is the panic a common thing for you or just right now?
Love, Beth

[whoami]

I think that it feels powerfully powerful to block someone's e-mail too!  Go for it!  It's like saying NO MORE, I won't permit you to harrass me or even know where I'm at.  Boing! Your email was sent back to you.  That's how much control you have over me now! 

Somehow I just love it... but I only use that as a last resort.   

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((Seasons))))))))))))))

I am really glad that you decided to take care of yourself.
I am really glad that you said No to meeting this bulldozer person.
I am really glad that you said No.
I am really glad that you said No.

I am really glad that you changed your mind.
I am really glad that you decided you do not have to please her.
I am really glad that you risked her anger to care for yourself.
I am really glad that you took this step.

Oh, honey. I understand why you panicked...it was such a huge battle with yourself, against all your "go-along, be dominated by controlling N" training.

What a wonderful thing that your life force won.

I know the panic will get better. I used to have panic attacks like that and they were terrible.
Now, I think it's been a decade.

It's so "jerky" to be in the first stages of loving yourself. It doesn't feel natural at all, it can feel terrifying.

But something in you went for it anyway, and that is sane and brave. Keep following the love for yourself, it is showing you that it can guide you if you let it. It will grow.

love,
Hops

[seasons]

Axa, Thank you for your kindness. ((seasons))

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Caffeine is not my friend, I'm trying to wean off of it. Today I had none with my N's, it was helpful. Thank for bringing that up.

[Stormchild]

Hi seasons

green tea is GOOOOOOOOOD [you can put lemon in it if its taste is too strong for you] - very soothing.

Good for you, doing what you had to do to get space from a toxic person.

I do think Dandylife has some good points too, about people who react negatively basically being self-protective if what they do afterwards shows that they heard you...

but ya know? Dandylife is talking about an adolescent, or a very immature and defensive young adult. People who still have a lot of maturing to do.

Speaking just for me, now, and speaking about people who are 'grownups', in people years...

I no longer want 'significant' people in my life who react to everything I say to them with scorn and derision, or who tell me they aren't going to listen to it because it might be painful to them to have to consider the effects on others of their own behavior.

Even if they do tippytoe back, afterwards, and think about what I said;

even if they do tippytoe back to me, afterwards, and say or do something that shows they heard and were helped.

Who needs the @$%$#(@#!@$^ drama? And who needs the @$%$#(@#!@$^ dishonesty?

I want people in my life who are balanced and sane enough to hear what I have to say without flaming out, wise and mature enough to listen to my words rather than projecting their own meanings onto them, and adult and considerate enough to say -

"Hmm. I hadn't thought of that."

or "That's interesting. I'm not sure I agree, though, and here are the reasons [not gut feelings, not instinctive defense reactions. Actual, grown up reasons]."

or even - "Wow. I had never thought of it that way, but I think you might be right."

or even - "Ouch... that's painful but you know, I see your point."

Believe it or not, it isn't unrealistic at all to expect adults in theory to behave like adults in practice. And it's very healthy to decide that you want to invest yourself in real adults, whenever you can.

Good luck to you! And yeah, watch out for caffeine, it really is anxiety-in-a-cup for a lot of people...