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hypersensitivity- thanks again for your indulgence

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pandora:
The therapist was present for the first part of the conversation.  He is trying to get my husband to consider the effect that his words might have on my feelings.  I don't know if he is getting through.   Sometimes I actually think the therapy has made our problems worse because it gives my husband an excuse to get on my case for "poor communication".

The rest of the conversation, about using this trip as a separation, etc. was just me and him after the session.  

Even though I knew it would wear me out emotionally, I made more efforts last night to discuss it after I got home.  I told him maybe he was right, we weren't compatible, neither one of us is happy now, etc.  There is no way for me to address the hurt I still feel over his affair or sexual humiliation without being accused of clinging to victimhood and holding a grudge - thus there is no way to fully resolve and heal the relationship.  

He says he is working so hard on his own personal growth, but that he doesn't see any effort from me, and that he doesn't care about the outcome because he knows he will be a better person with or without me.  He talks all the time about understanding, love, patience, and compassion, but it does not show in his attitude toward me.  He seems to blame the lack of happiness in our marriage on me not doing enough, and minimizes the effects of his actions.   His attitude toward me is so cold.  

WHY can't he turn to me and love me?  I've truly tried to love him to the best of my ability.  I have done all I can do.  I know rationally that his rejection really has NOTHING to do with me or any failure of mine, but it is so so painful.  

The therapist has told me that it is very very unlikely that he will be able to change this N trait (thought I guess he doesn't think it is severe enough to be full-blown NPD).  

I just get so confused because I do remember times, even in the past year, that I felt that we were doing well and had a  future together, and we have always had many interests and activities in common.  I always saw he had a tendency to be self-absorbed and to blame others for his problems, but it just seems like over the past few months he has gone totally off the deep end.  And now I am so beaten up that I can barely hold on.  This feels like a very bad dream.  

I wrote more than I intended here, thanks again for your understanding.  It's been a rough couple of days.

pandora

Anonymous:
My impression is that your husband knows he did a really bad thing that may cost his marriage. But he is so infantile that he won't take any responsibility and keeps blaming you (ridiculously) no matter what. I wish the therapist could get through to him. Hopefully the therapist helped you to feel supported during the session.

bunny

kelly8893:
Hey!
I just wanted to comment about your post, you are on the right track, keep being razor sharp about your observations they could save you from alot of heart ache someday. With N people it is always the little things that add up to big things later.

I was in a relationship for 7 years and he was really good about the little things, I didn't even know how far I would go for his pleasure or whatever whim at the time he had cooking, until I realized one day that what I was doing was'nt normal and he wasn't normal. What made me see? The little things started to add up to big pictures of craziness like, being "trained" or "schooled" in the know. OR his behavior in social situations and then he started drinking and doing drugs alot. I do not do any of that stuff, I am a straight arrow. He was 19 when I met him and he is 27 today and I think like the books say by the time they are in their late 20's to early 30's it is evident that they have a problem.  I hope for all the best and keep watching with a clear head!

rosencrantz:
Are you sure it wasn't called 'Mothers who Hate their Daughters and the Daughters who Love Them'???   :wink:
R

Lizbeth:
This is exactly what my second xnh used to do to me.  I didn't wash the clothes correctly, why didn't I stack the dishes this way instead of that for drying, why was I big busted and blonde and anglo-saxon instead of short, petite and Italian (try to figure that one out, he was the one who wanted to marry me).  Constant criticism of everything I did or what I was.  I would blow up at him and tell him that if he felt he could do a better job, then he could just do it himself.  That would shut him up for awhile.

Years later he admitted to me that he felt he was so much lower than I was, he had to do these things to bring me down to where he felt he was.  Amazing he could be insightful enough to recognize this, but did not care enough about what it was doing to me to stop it.

I still can't take criticism as I should be able to.  It has and always will feel like a person attack as it started in my childhood and continued through both of my first two marriages (and my father still thinks he has the right to criticize my sister and I about whatever he feels he doesn't like about us).  My kind hubby has to deal with my freaking out when he criticizes me, even when I deserve it.

The point I'm trying to make is, what 2nd xn said about them having to bring us down to where they are.  We make them feel inferior and they can't stand that, so they have to knock us down anyway they can, and small, constant criticism will do that to a sensitive person.

Lizbeth



--- Quote from: Karin ---I was so pleased to read this thread this morning because I have been feeling extremely stressed out over the last few days/weeks as I try to process the bizarre behaviour of my N over settlement issues. Bizarre was the word I've been repeating to myself. He seems to be unable to understand what settlement even means. He's got his own meaning of it. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone again.
I laughed as I read about the 'dishwasher incident', that's the sort of thing my husband would do. He once followed me into the laundry and told me how to do the washing! I'd been keeping his clothes clean for him for 15 years at that stage. Bizarre.  
That competition thing has always been there too, I could never understand why he felt that he had to be better than me, weren't we supposed to be a united couple? I figured out eventually that it wasn't about him being better, it was about him putting me down. Slight difference.
Good luck Pandora, you're in for the roller-coaster ride. I wish I'd missed the House of Horrors, but the Hall of Mirrors had some funny moments.
Thanks all.
--- End quote ---

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