Axa - Here is some encouragement. I am going to take your last post and show you what is positive in it so that you take courage rather than languish in discouragement.
I think one of the things that is hitting me very hard at the moment is that I too had opportunities to protect myself and I did not. I just laid myself bare. I get it now that what I was doing was something like the more I gave the more he would see me. I made stupid decisions and put my trust in him knowing that he was NOT trustworthy. Financially I have ended up in a mess. I gave up work to be with him. And I knew he would just take and take. When I would point out the unfairness of the situation he would shout "who said life was fair" as if I was soooo stupid and he was right! The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up.
I need to accept this and move on. struggling again
Look at how powerful this statement is, "
I get it now."
That is powerful. You get it NOW. You didn't get it then but you do get it now. That is growth. That is what you want. It is sooooo important to give yourself crdit for that growth.
This statement is important as well, "I had opportunities to protect myself and I did not." I suspect that you gave up that self protection in exchange for something that you
desparately needed and wanted and whatever that something is it goes to your original wound. It is very important that you identify what that is. When you figure it out you can go about healing it. That healing is essential to prevent giving yourself up to someone who will abuse you again. You may already know what that wound is or you may need to spend time figuring it out. Again, I will walk with you on this journey.
This sentence is a big clue to your wound, "
what I was doing was something like the more I gave the more he would see me." Perhaps "being seen" is much like "having a voice". Where in your early life did you feel invisible?
The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up. You did it because you needed something that you got initially and then when the facade fell away and the N appeared you were in so deep that you stayed hoping against all hope that you could salvage something. Finally you realized that there is nohing worth salvaging. It is so very important that you take your power back. One step in that is to give yourself credit for what you now see and what you now are doing. You now see what kiind of person he is and you now are getting yourself out. That is not powerless. You are strong enough to reclaim you power so don't mis lable yourself as your mistake. In other words, you made a mistake. That mistake is not you. You gave away your power in exchange for something you needed. You are not powerless. You are not a mistake. You made a mistake and then you figured it out and you are doing the right things to get yourself out of a mess. That is not powerless that is powerful!!! Focus on your strengths today not on your mistake made out of a deep wound yesterday. And remember, you are strong enough and powerful enough to get out of this nightmare now. You will be strong enough and powerful enough to identify and heal that deep seated wound that drew you into the relationship with him originally.
Axa, YOU ARE POWERFUL NOW!!! Accept that and it will only grow. Focus on your remarkable strength and insight NOW. They will carry you forward. They are powerful tools that will be your constant companion and your great support. You are doing well. The agonizing pain you are experiencing is from the wound not because you are weak. You will heal and that healing will be swifter if you can embrace and acknowledge your strengths while labeling but not owning the wounds that led you down the path of pain.
your friend - Gaining Strength
P.S. I was typing while you posted your last post so here is a small Post Script.
Your following statement is a reflection of an attribute that is nothing short of excellent. "I put so much in that I did not want to walk away. I kept hanging on in there in the hope that it would get better, which of course it couldn't."
The ability to hang in there and not give up is not a bad attribute. What was bad was his character. Do not paint yourself with his brush - that is what he has been trying to do. Many N's seen to project their pain onto those who try to love them and their loved ones often take it. Do not take on his projections. If you read about someone who didn't give up on a wounded, crippled child you would admire them. Well - that's what you did and when that wounded child tried to drown you you let go. That is admirable. Do not be so terribly critical of yourself - don't do to yourself what he did. Leave him and that criticism behind. You need gentle kindness - give that to yourself.
That's all the preaching I'm going to do for now. - GS