very bad night

[axa]

Stormchild,


Non-decent people take advantage, and Ns are at the head of that list. And like all advantage-takers, they know what they're doing on some level, and they deliberately manipulate you to keep you giving to them. Promises, promises, promises, lies, lies, lies... until you've given so much that you feel as though you can't disinvest in them now, it's too late, they have most of you!

They do know.  I want to use the word evil because that is what comes to mind right now.  There is something so powerful in the idea of giving so much that you cant disinvest in them.  This was a feeling I had.  I put so much in that I did not want to walk away.  I kept hanging on in there in the hope that it would get better, which of course it couldn't.

I read "People of the Lie" while we were together.  Peck describes Narcissists as being evil people. I read some of this out to XN and he agreed that was how he was.  COULD IT HAVE BEEN CLEARED TO ME

[Brigid]

axa,

There's nothing stupid about expecting someone you love to treat you decently, which is what you did. There is something very ugly and mean, on the other hand, about deliberately manipulating, using, and taking advantage of someone who loves you, which is what he did.

Stormy is absolutely correct in this statement.  Those of us who are decent, loving individuals (who most likely did not get any proper love and caring as children) keep searching for and thinking we have found someone who is reciprocating the love we are offering.  We want to believe the loving words and actions which suck us into the web because we don't have the tools necessary to filter out truth from fiction.  The longer the relationship goes on, the more blinded we become to the negative behaviors, lies and abuse (whatever form that may take).  We keep making excuses for the things we don't understand and refuse to accept as reality. 

Who is this person that pledged his or her undying love to us and has now changed (not really, but we finally begin to realize the truth) into an uncaring, emotionally unavailable, empty soul?  We blame ourselves for not seeing it.  We feel shame for continuing to live with it.

But then we finally feel anger for allowing it to have happened.  We start screaming, punching, in my case, shattering his record albums--whatever we can do to release all that pain.  That is the beginning of the road to healing, imo.  The anger can eventually be turned into strength and resolve.  We can then use that strength to start rebuilding our lives and prove to them that we can be successful and happy without them.  That is our greatest revenge--to once again be happy.  We are flipping them off with our happiness.

They will never be happy.  They will pretend they are, but they will continuously search for the next fix.  Their happiness is always temporary and never authentic.  Be relieved that you are not them.  Sometimes I almost feel a little compassion, but then I remember the hurt he caused and I just feel sorry for his next victim.

Axa, you are still in the grieving process.  You must walk through this, feel it, and process it.  The pain is incredible, but you can't avoid it.  Eventually, you will come out on the other side of it and start working through the next set of emotions.  In order to truly heal, you must process each step fully.  I promise that you are making progress.  I hear it in your words.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - Here is some encouragement.  I am going to take your last post and show you what is positive in it so that you take courage rather than languish in discouragement.

I think one of the things that is hitting me very hard at the moment is that I too had opportunities to protect myself and I did not.  I just laid myself bare.  I get it now that what I was doing was something like the more I gave the more he would see me.  I made stupid decisions and put my trust in him knowing that he was NOT trustworthy.  Financially I have ended up in a mess.  I gave up work to be with him.  And I knew he would just take and take.  When I would point out the unfairness of the situation he would shout "who said life was fair" as if I was soooo stupid and he was right!  The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up.

I need to accept this and move on.  struggling again

Look at how powerful this statement is, "I get it now."
That is powerful.  You get it NOW.  You didn't get it then but you do get it now.  That is growth.  That is what you want.  It is sooooo important to give yourself crdit for that growth.

This statement is important as well, "I  had opportunities to protect myself and I did not." I suspect that you gave up that self protection in exchange for something that you desparately needed and wanted and whatever that something is it goes to your original wound.  It is very important that you identify what that is.  When you figure it out you can go about healing it.  That healing is essential to prevent giving yourself up to someone who will abuse you again.  You may already know what that wound is or you may need to spend time figuring it out.  Again, I will walk with you on this journey.

This sentence is a big clue to your wound, "what I was doing was something like the more I gave the more he would see me." Perhaps "being seen" is much like "having a voice".  Where in your early life did you feel invisible?

The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up. You did it because you needed something that you got initially and then when the facade fell away and the N appeared you were in so deep that you stayed hoping against all hope that you could salvage something.  Finally you realized that there is nohing worth salvaging.  It is so very important that you take your power back.  One step in that is to give yourself credit for what you now see and what you now are doing.  You now see what kiind of person he is and you now are getting yourself out.  That is not powerless.  You are strong enough to reclaim you power so don't mis lable yourself as your mistake.  In other words, you made a mistake.  That mistake is not you.  You gave away your power in exchange for something you needed.  You are not powerless.  You are not a mistake.  You made a mistake and then you figured it out and you are doing the right things to get yourself out of a mess.  That is not powerless that is powerful!!!  Focus on your strengths today not on your mistake made out of a deep wound yesterday.  And remember, you are strong enough and powerful enough to get out of this nightmare now.  You will be strong enough and powerful enough to identify and heal that deep seated wound that drew you into the relationship with him originally.  

Axa, YOU ARE POWERFUL NOW!!!  Accept that and it will only grow.  Focus on your remarkable strength and insight NOW.  They will carry you forward.  They are powerful tools that will be your constant companion and your great support.  You are doing well.  The agonizing pain you are experiencing is from the wound not because you are weak.  You will heal and that healing will be swifter if you can embrace and acknowledge your strengths while labeling but not owning the wounds that led you down the path of pain.

your friend - Gaining Strength

P.S. I was typing while you posted your last post so here is a small Post Script. 
Your following statement is a reflection of an attribute that is nothing short of excellent.  "I put so much in that I did not want to walk away.  I kept hanging on in there in the hope that it would get better, which of course it couldn't."

The ability to hang in there and not give up is not a bad attribute.  What was bad was his character.  Do not paint yourself with his brush - that is what he has been trying to do.  Many N's seen to project their pain  onto those who try to love them and their loved ones often take it.  Do not take on his projections.  If you read about someone who didn't give up on a wounded, crippled child you would admire them.  Well - that's what you did and when that wounded child tried to drown you you let go.  That is admirable.  Do not be so terribly critical of yourself - don't do to yourself what he did.  Leave him and that criticism behind.  You need gentle kindness - give that to yourself.

That's all the preaching I'm going to do for now. - GS

[axa]

Brigid,

It IS part of the process and I am awareo f that.  I take a couple of steps forward and th its backwars.  BUT I nver go back to where I was, which is wanting him back.  So yes, I am making progress.  I neer want to be contanimanted by his toxic virus again.  WHEW!!! feels good to know that.  And it is not just in my  head It is in my gut also and that is what counts.

I have felt anger.  I have screamed, raged so much over the past while and its good to let that out.  My anger is not just aobut him it is about every N that has invaded my life.  I know that over the yers I have made progress but still the wound is open and my job right now is to heal that wound and not let it be infected again.

Some time ago we walked through an old city and I showed him a beautiful door made in the 16th centrury .  I stood in awe of it, the work , the time, that has passed the number of people who phave passed through that door.  His response was that he could not see things like that and was envious of my ability to rejoice in such beauty.  Youare right they cannot be happy.  Whenerever he would take on a project he would get completely engrossed but could never stand back and appreciate it.  It was always on to the next thing.  He told me he never experiences satisfaction.........its always about running.

I feel i am moving on but in a healthy way.  I do not hate him and I do feel sorry for him in some ways.  He is so lonely and never will be any other way but Heck that is not my business.

Thank yo for the post, it is good to remember and acknowlege xx

[axa]

Gaining Strength,


Yep! I get it now.  Each day it gets clearere.  My wound IS not being seen or acknowledged I was never seen as a child.  I wore myself outtrying to be seen by N parents who saw me as an inconveneince or a little slave.  Part of this ties into my "doing" for the Ns in my life, or should I say XNs in my life since I am now NFREE.  I was on a threadmill, doing, doing, doing, working very hard, thrying to fix, giving until I was exhausted but all my giving was outside of me.  Little of it was about me giving to me.

I thin that the more I give to myself the less vulnerable and needy I am looking to thers to give to me.  I have a sense of myself being healthy in time and this will be when I can give to me and not try and fill the hole with toxic crumbs from others.  Whem I am in a place where I am full i can discern better what is good and what is bad.  Up to now it seems I was willing to take anything that came my way.

Thank is not good enough any more.


Tomorrow night I will toast my friends at Voiceless and think of you, wishing us all an NFree New year


axa

[reallyME]

The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up. You did it because you needed something that you got initially and then when the facade fell away and the N appeared you were in so deep that you stayed hoping against all hope that you could salvage something. 

This was ME for sure...I believed in Jodi, I believed we would travel together and minister, I believed she had considered me as a part of her family and ministry, I believed I finally met someone who enjoyed being with me as much as I enjoyed being with her...then I saw the truth...I was used to give her info and to have someone to pick on and mock, because I just laughed along with it and a lot of the cruelty went over my head at first.  I was in so deep, feeling like I was really valued and wanted by these people, so I stayed, hoping maybe I could be the one who finally reached Jodi and cared enough that maybe she would open up and actually admit to all that she denied deep inside herself.  I did hope I could salvage something.  I even talked to people close to her who really "knew" her, hoping maybe we all could help her, but she had them snowed too.  It's just still so sad to me and always will be, till the day someone comes to me and says, "Hey. I just want to tell you that Jodi finally went for help and felt her emotions for the first time, and feels so much remorse over all the people she has left behind, wounded, her husband and her have decided to give up their deceitful riches that have corrupted them and caused them to manipulate others, and they are now living a simple life trying to pick up the pieces and making amends to those they hurt."  (hey, I can dream, can't I?)