Author Topic: strategies  (Read 2902 times)

axa

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strategies
« on: December 29, 2006, 05:26:04 AM »
I was thinking about some strategies I need to put in place when I am feeling this shaky.  Think I will write a list of the abuse I experienced with XN so that I am not seduced by the "good times".  I need to stay with the reality of the relationship and not the grooming that took place before a bout of abuse.  I am struggling today and need to take care of myself.  I just wish I could get the virus out of my system.  My energy feels very low today and I feel terribly vulnerable.  I remind myself that this will pass.  I need to stop focusing on the future so much and stay in the present. 

When I think of never seeing him again I get quite panicked.  For the past week thinking of not seeing him seemed like such a relief.  I hate this swinging from one place to another.  I need to keep myself grounded and real. 

Will probably take up lots of space on the board today as it helps to get it out of my sysem and feel heard.


axa

Stormchild

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Re: strategies
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2006, 09:16:40 AM »
I was thinking about some strategies I need to put in place when I am feeling this shaky.  Think I will write a list of the abuse I experienced with XN so that I am not seduced by the "good times".  I need to stay with the reality of the relationship and not the grooming that took place before a bout of abuse.  I am struggling today and need to take care of myself.  I just wish I could get the virus out of my system.  My energy feels very low today and I feel terribly vulnerable.  I remind myself that this will pass.  I need to stop focusing on the future so much and stay in the present. 

When I think of never seeing him again I get quite panicked.  For the past week thinking of not seeing him seemed like such a relief.  I hate this swinging from one place to another.  I need to keep myself grounded and real. 

Will probably take up lots of space on the board today as it helps to get it out of my sysem and feel heard.

axa

Hold fast... this is what the board is for. Tie a knot and hang on!

Can you think of a 'mantra' to use when you feel panicky? Like,

'What I am missing was not real. That relationship was not real. He lied to me and deceived me. He did it on purpose. He is not worth missing. Now I am free to find relationships that are real and goodness that is real and people who are truly worth caring for.'

Something like that? I used something like this to 'deprogram' myself a few years ago when I fell - HARD! - for a guy who became abusive as soon as he thought he had me hooked. I kicked him to the curb immediately but I grieved terribly for what I thought the relationship was, and I had to 'deprogram' very deliberately to keep that grief healthy and in proportion.

Don't know if this will help or not - but I hope it does - I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

axa

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Re: strategies
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2006, 10:07:25 AM »
Stormchild

This is what is so scary "HE DID IT ON PURPOSE".  He knew exactly what he was doing and continued the abuse.  He sent me a message once saying things were not simple in his life and a relationship with me would be abusive.  And I stayed.  I forgave.  I took the bait and hung on for dear life.

I have been so angry today.  Let go lots of screams at everyone who in their sorry lives have abused me.  Deprograming sounds like a good idea. It was not real that is what I have to remember.  My pain is real, my loss is real but the relationship never was, it was  all an illusion.

There is a storm outside.  I am going to wrap up in it and let go some of my energy in the hope it will move some of this anger from me.

Thank you sooooooooo much

axa

Stormchild

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Re: strategies
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2006, 10:24:34 AM »
Axa, that's the hardest thing to hold on to, the hardest thing to remember and believe.

That they do it on purpose, these people who hurt us.

Others will try to convince you that he really loved you, that he was doing the best he knew how.

He didn't and he wasn't and he knew it, and more importantly, you know it too.

I don't know why some folks find it so hard to face those facts... perhaps because of a misunderstanding of what compassion is and how it works. Compassion has to rest on truth. It can't run on lies, even lies told with the kindest of intentions. It has to sit on bedrock.

The thing is, you may not be able to feel compassion, immediately, for someone you know abused you on purpose, and enjoyed it. Well, that's not the end of the world. Perhaps, instead, you should be feeling compassion for yourself - since certainly your abuser didn't, and even more certainly, your abuser didn't want you to, either.

After you've felt some real compassion for yourself [which is a very different thing from self-pity!], and been able to heal, perspective changes naturally! And you CAN then see your abuser as 'a small, dirty object' - to quote CS Lewis waaaay out of context - and you can, then, pity them for their smallness and their soiled, messy state.

But to start there, is to cheat yourself, and God knows, up to this point, it's always been about you being cheated. Hasn't it? Yes it has. Really, it's time to stop that...

Another thought. In AA and Al-Anon and ACOA meetings, they say, "You're as sick as your secrets." I think that's true but it's not all. I think "We're as sick as our lies to ourselves." After all, lying is almost always involved in protecting the secrets of a dysfunctional relationship or family. Lies and sick secrets go together.

I envy you your storm... be warm and safe and dry, in the thick of it. And I hope that the wind and the rain will do and express for you - safely and beautifully and awesomely - all of the powerful things that your heart and mind and body can't express. There's nothing as awesome as being embraced by the wind and kissed and washed clean by the rain!!!!!!!


The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

moonlight52

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Re: strategies
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2006, 12:30:57 PM »
Dear Storm child,

I am in the midst of emotional stuff x,y,z are doing cruel emotional stuff.My HUBBY is supportive MY OLDEST D and my Dr k ARE ALL 100% with me ......................
(she has letters from n).
They(wxyz) DO NOT WANT THE TRUTH KNOWN.

THEIR PROBLEM IS MY oldest SIS KNOWS THE TRUTH SO IT IS NOT JUST ME.
I just want peace and THEIR mind games to stop they seem to enjoy hurting me.

QUOTE FROM Stormchild

I don't know why some folks find it so hard to face those facts... perhaps because of a misunderstanding of what compassion is and how it works. Compassion has to rest on truth. It can't run on lies, even lies told with the kindest of intentions. It has to sit on bedrock.

The thing is, you may not be able to feel compassion, immediately, for someone you know abused you on purpose, and enjoyed it. Well, that's not the end of the world. Perhaps, instead, you should be feeling compassion for yourself - since certainly your abuser didn't, and even more certainly, your abuser didn't want you to, either.

After you've felt some real compassion for yourself
 

THANK YOU

I am holding on to the truth.......

moonlight
« Last Edit: December 29, 2006, 03:40:28 PM by moonlight »

WRITE

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Re: strategies
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2006, 01:07:59 PM »
Here's some links:

http://www.anxietynetwork.com/helphome.html

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise/MH00043

I find daily exercise and a good diet ( not much carbs ) is much better for my mood disorder but I have to say that heart racing adrenalin cortisol stress reaction never has gone away even though I manage it with breathing exercises; it's worse if I have to be on my meds too, my heart rate goes up.

My energy feels very low today and I feel terribly vulnerable.  I remind myself that this will pass.  I need to stop focusing on the future so much and stay in the present. 

it does get better, honestly. The first tie someone said to me 'this too shall pass' I thought I was going to faint with frustration and anxiety....but I was only thinking this morning how many very practical things are resolved athree years on- income, housing, credit rating, immigration status, parenting with ex, living with bipolar, my extended family. Some of the things I just could not see a way through are if not perfect at least functioning well.

You've been through trauma, it takes time to heal from that.

moonlight52

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Re: strategies
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2006, 01:34:24 PM »
Write

this is a great kind help today

I am sure everyone has days of stress

great links

today my little one is sick and is sleeping right now

being a good mom is everything to me

moon :D

axa

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Re: strategies
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2006, 01:38:21 PM »
Write,

I am trying to hold onto this too shall pass.  I have said that to myself so many times in my lifetime and yes those things have passed and I have survived them.  Exercise helps me a lot, getting out into the storm shook something out of me.  I felt the energy of the universe and it released something.  Thank you for your kindness.

Moonlight & STormchild

There are some who are trying to convince me that he loved me.  I think of my son, whom I love, I could never, ever do these things to him.  I know I would have to be filled with hatred to behave in the way he did.  I could not even do them to Xn if the opportunity arose.

He knew and I knew he knew.  This is the TRUTH

Compassion has to rest on Truth.  YES - thank you for this - this is THE TRUTH.

Sometimes I would say it was due to mental illness he was behaving this way but one of my friends always finished this sentance by saying He knows what he is doing.  He has all of this planned.  Everything turns to HIS advantage.

I was the one who was cheated of years of my life, my health, my dignity, my spontanous self.

"You are as sick as your secrets" " You are as sick as your lies to yourself"

I kept my mouth shut about so much stuff because I carried HIS shame.  As it was my friends and family could not stand him and they knew so little about him.  They saw what he was doing to me.  I kept the secrets and I lied to myself over and over again.  Thank you for naming this.  I want to own the lies I told myself and the secrets I kept.

I want the truth.  I am done with lies.  I colluded with him in the lies.  I held his shame instead of shaming him.

This feels like the truth.

The storm is still blowing.  I am in a house of peace.  I have a stew warming on the stove.  I will nourish myself with these things and the blanket of your honesty and truth.

thank you so much

axa

sea storm

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Re: strategies
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2006, 03:30:15 PM »
(((((((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))))))

You are doing the real healing work now and going through the storm and the void. The pain of your trauma, loss of dignity, loss of trust, and the betrayal of your deepest commitment and your dreams is a monumental struggle.

Having the strength to face the blackness and malevolence of what he did to you is brutally hard.
YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT.  NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SHAMED AND HURT DELIBERATELY OR WORSE> OFF HANDEDLY>

You are showing such determination and courage in facing the black demons and going through this. This is the way to the light. I know this. When I have gone through these times of releasing the pain and the anger they have been excruciating.  However, afterward there is a great sense of having integrated the experiences in a healthy way becasue I have a renewal of hope and energy.

Yesterday I missed N so much and I remembered how darling and funny he could be and the nice things he did for me. I really started to romanticize him. I cried missing him. Then last night I dreamt about the aweful look on his face as he did some denigrating thing to me and I could see him gossipping to my friends about what an idiot I am. He was telling them how he had to put up with my psychotic behaviour.
I woke up furious.  Thank god, this was a balancing dream meant to remind me of the real hell that went on rather than the beautiful fantasy I created of love.

You will reach the shore and you will be stronger and love yourself more. I really agree with you in doing it one day at a time and staying in the present.

Keep writing and getting your feelings out here where you can get support and love. I am glad you are going to let the storm cleanse your spirit and nurture yourself with good food.

You are in my prayers dear AXA.

Love,
Sea Storm

reallyME

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Re: strategies
« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2006, 04:29:22 PM »
I'm going to just post the things I read that I'd like to share a comment about ...I can't recall who said what if that's ok, and I have to leave to catch a bus soon, so please forgive me for now acknowledging each poster here:


Quote
Can you think of a 'mantra' to use when you feel panicky? Like,

'What I am missing was not real. That relationship was not real. He lied to me and deceived me. He did it on purpose. He is not worth missing. Now I am free to find relationships that are real and goodness that is real and people who are truly worth caring for.'


Great idea and I've used this myself.  X was "too good to be true" and turned out to BE just that!  I try to remind myself of it when I start thinking about the "good" times we shared, boating, laughing, eating together...

Quote
This is what is so scary "HE DID IT ON PURPOSE".  He knew exactly what he was doing and continued the abuse.  He sent me a message once saying things were not simple in his life and a relationship with me would be abusive.  And I stayed.  I forgave.  I took the bait and hung on for dear life.

This is still sometimes so hard for me to grasp.  X was so sweet, kind, beautiful, and seemed to care about ME and treated me well monetarily too.  She found out all she could about me, and then began gradually stripping me of my identity and strength.  She also typed me a message online saying that "things will never be like they were."  IN other words, she was actually ERASING me from her "databank" so she could 'move on to her destiny without BAGGAGE holding her back (I was the BAGGAGE).

Quote
Others will try to convince you that he really loved you, that he was doing the best he knew how.

He didn't and he wasn't and he knew it, and more importantly, you know it too.

Yes, exactly!  Though to this day you would hear X tell you "I will always love her and she knows I love her and no matter what, I KNOW SHE LOVES ME!"  (at one point, knowing that X knows I love her, was enough for me to feel secure.  But now, knowing that she knows I love her, means NOTHING, because WHERE IS SHE?  Is she still here trying to tell me that she got help and realizes that her entire family is messed up and needs help?  Is she hear telling me that she went to therapy again and that I am right...she has NPD and BPD and other things?  Nope, you know where she is?  With Supply #3 and livin it UP I'm sure.
Quote
I don't know why some folks find it so hard to face those facts... perhaps because of a misunderstanding of what compassion is and how it works. Compassion has to rest on truth. It can't run on lies, even lies told with the kindest of intentions. It has to sit on bedrock.

AMEN SISTER!
Quote
Another thought. In AA and Al-Anon and ACOA meetings, they say, "You're as sick as your secrets." I think that's true but it's not all. I think "We're as sick as our lies to ourselves." After all, lying is almost always involved in protecting the secrets of a dysfunctional relationship or family. Lies and sick secrets go together.

YES...sick as your secrets and sick as your lies...be sure your sin will find you out, X...one day, we all reap what we sow, no matter how smart and pretty and spiritual we believe we are.

Quote
There's nothing as awesome as being embraced by the wind and kissed and washed clean by the rain!!!!!!!

I LOVED THIS!  So true and I can almost feel a MIST on me as I read this and a gentle breeze like I feel sometimes when Mom prays over me.

Quote
I was the one who was cheated of years of my life, my health, my dignity, my spontanous self.

Yep but I've been gradually taking back who I am, whom GOD made me to be.  Now, X would tell me "I"m so glad that you didn't let what happened between us totally make you think BAD of Father (God).  It doesn't matter to me that you don't like me...I don't care what you think of ME...I just want you to always remember FATHER'S LOVE!"  (hmmm, I somehow thought that a really GOOD way to SHOW Father's love to someone, would be to treat them KINDLY and to examine yourself as well as requesting that of another)  My Bible tells me that if you do everything you can to be Spiritual, but you have NOT LOVE, you are NOTHING but a clanging gong or symbol...CLANG CLANG CLANG!

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You said you thought of N, the wonderful things you shared together, you cried missing him

Can soooooooooooooo relate!  X had some wonderful qualities too!  What a sense of HUMOR sometimes...she was as witty and charming as she was beautiful!  I loved her so much and yes, in some odd way, I do still miss her and probably would want to still give her a hug if I saw her, actually...Weird how our minds work, huh?


Quote
Then last night I dreamt about the aweful look on his face as he did some denigrating thing to me and I could see him gossipping to my friends about what an idiot I am. He was telling them how he had to put up with my psychotic behaviour.

Yes I remember how I felt when I was told by a mutual friend of X and mine, about how she was telling this person all the REAL feelings she had about me...how I was mentally slow and how I SHOCKED her when she saw me again in person, cause of how I looked and acted (Never mind the fact that I had told her I ran out of my Thyroid meds)...she and I BOTH believed I had mental issues, but the truth has recently come out, that I do not...I never was bipolar or ADD or anything like that, according to psychiatric tests...but I did have some PTSD at times in my life after having been abused.

 
Quote
I woke up furious.  Thank god, this was a balancing dream meant to remind me of the real hell that went on rather than the beautiful fantasy I created of love.


Yeah...I'm still trying to keep things all in perspective too.

Stormchild

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Re: strategies
« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2006, 06:54:55 PM »
((((((((((Everybody))))))))))

hold on, hold on tight, hold on here.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

axa

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Re: strategies
« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2006, 07:08:44 AM »
Storm,


Holding on by my fingertips today........

axa

Stormchild

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Re: strategies
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2006, 10:12:45 AM »
((((((((((Axa))))))))))

Can you do something good for yourself? A warm bath with a few drops of mint oil in the water, or a fuzzy bathrobe, a cup of cocoa, and a detective or romance novel? Or a walk among the trees? Sometimes about all you can do is distract yourself... or go the other way, journal about it, write and write until you run out of words. Work on that list of abuse that you talked about in your first post, read Patricia Evans and make a list of all the ways he discounted you, countered you, gaslighted you, put you down, undermined and sabotaged you... every one of them is a brick in the wall you are building to protect your heart from him.

Maybe draw pictures with your left hand, if you're right-handed, about how he treated you and how you feel about it [the non-dominant hand draws like we drew when we were kids, it's a very direct way to put your deep feelings on paper].

I know this pain, and it's all consuming. Forcing myself to do good things for myself was my best antidote. Each person is different, so something else may work better for you. I still have quite a sketchbook full of non-dominant hand pictures.... and I can't draw worth poo, but doing that really helped me.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

axa

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Re: strategies
« Reply #13 on: December 30, 2006, 10:50:21 AM »
Stormchild,

I decided to do something good for myself.  Going to see a friend this evening and then spending new year evening with other friends.  I feel so welcome by them that it is lovely.  I spoke to my brother today on the phone and told him I threw XN out.  His response was that is the best news I have heard for some time.  He was nothing but an arrogant, ignorant, b......  I thought my brother thought he was ok!!!! Guess the fact that people stopped calling to my house should have been an indication of how uncomfortable they felt around him.

I have a long long long list of abuse that I read constantly to remember the TRUTH. 

I paint and have been toying with the idea of getting these feelings out of me through art, so thank you for suggesting that.  Will try the drawings first.  I think I need to buy a folder and put all of this stuff into it in case I ever again get tempted.  I am thinking that making a commitment to making concrete evidence of this abuse is quite a powerful way to move through the pain.

My fear at the moment is that I will run into him somewhere.  I am clear about avoiding any place I think he may be but still feel anxious about chance meetings.  Really working on keeping myself safe.  My only consolation at the moment is that he obviously is getting enough supply to stay away and dont expect to hear from him.  My friends disagree, they think he will make contact when he is bored with his current supply.  God I wish I was not in this mess.

Part of me is doing ok right now.  I cannot tell you and the others on this board how valuable this place is for me.  It really is keeping me sane and the validation is just wonderful.  I find some people are trying to get me to see the "good side" of things.  I feel like I am being unreasonable when I point out the abuse, its as if its ok to discount that.  It is not.  Feeling heard is what is keeping me going right now.


xxxxxxxxx

axa

Hopalong

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Re: strategies
« Reply #14 on: December 30, 2006, 05:27:11 PM »
Axa,
How good that yo're spending NYEve with kind and caring friends.
What a good way to begin a new year.

I think working out some of the anger and fear and hurt in art is a brilliant idea.
I would love to hear more about your paintings and what happens there.

Hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."