why do N's feel the need to have a claim to fame?

[k as guest]

Well, Hops, my mom is far from needing me to take care of her.  I am doomed to be a part of her orbit for a very long time (unless she indeed gets Alzheirmer's - at which time I will be imprisoned by having to care for her.........)  I am so excited about the possibility of getting this new job.  And yet I am afraid.  I am so used to the way things are and I am afraid of jumping out of the kettle and into the fire.  But I assume the learning curve of a new job will be uncomfortable no matter what.  I was listening to Joel Osteen last night (yeah, not out partying in the New Year!!) and he said that you have to be willing to walk away from abusive relationships......that God has a new plan for your life but you have to MOVE.  He was talking about husband/wife relations but it was so appropriate to what we all go through.  We need to have enough resolve within ourselves to be brave enough to walk away (even if it is only emotionally) from the orbit and adoration that we find ourselves sucked into by our needy, n people!!  So, even if I don't get this new job (BUT I WILL!!!!) I still have the resolve to remove myself from my nmom (and my leachy aunt.....)  Can't stand working with either of them.  It will be so refreshing to be able to walk away and not look back.  No getting irritated at how stupid they both can be.  How delusional they both are.  It has been a source of my frustration for so many years!!  God bless them and I hope they do well.  But I plan on doing well without being exposed to them on a daily basis.  How knows?  Maybe I will start liking them again!

[pennyplant]

Kell, I recently got a new assignment at work that takes me completely away from the very people who have been driving me bonkers and causing major stress for me and it does work in giving me a new perspective on all of them.  I was getting too enmeshed there I think.  For the next two or more months I will hardly see these people at all and will have new people and new duties and learning experiences to fill up my brain and heart with.  Forever, there will be less and less room for these people.  It feels better already even though the new assignment carries stresses of its own (I have had a tense neck and some form of headache every day for over a week now!)  But I think I can manage that kind of stress over time.  The other kind, these people who get under my skin and trigger me daily, that one I really needed distance on.  And it's helping.  I bet your new job will give that to you as well.  The problems with Nmom and Naunt may fade or cease to be your problems anymore once you "escape"!

The "claim to fame" thing--

I wonder if it is a way of Ns re-enacting their own FOO issues.  The N-types I know each had to contend with the early, traumatic loss of a parent.  After which each of them became the saviour of the family.  The girls had to become little moms, taking care of younger siblings and the home.  Having adult responsibilities thrust upon them at age 10.  The boy had to become the man of the house.  At age ten. 

I thought of this when remembering a story N-coworker told me once.  His wife had been visiting, with their children, a relative who had a pool.  She was chatting with the relative while the kids amused themselves by the pool, all by themselves.  Sure enough, little daughter fell in.  The older son immediately dove in and saved her from drowning.  The little boy was ten when this happened.  I said, so your son is a hero!  N-coworker said in response, "Don't you think something like that warrents a phone call from my wife?  She didn't even call me, she didn't even tell me first thing when I got there.  She just sat there looking at me when I told her she should have called me right away."  Not called him to help.  Not worried that she hadn't been watching the kids around a pool and that such an accident even occurred.  No, he was angry because she hadn't called right away to brag about their son being a hero and saving his sister's life.

N-co-worker had been the hero all his growing up years.  Saw his father die in the living room at age ten and became the man of the house for his mom.  That is the legacy his son now receives.  A boy should always be a hero, an example for the younger siblings and responsible for them, and his heroism should be broadcast to all.

Heroism and claim to fame are learned early by some Ns.  That is their FOO legacy that they must re-enact all the time.  Heroism is seen as a positive on some level in our society.  So, where is the motivation to have an awakening about how harmful this really is?  Why change it?  People have more negative FOO issues that they do not wish to change.  Maybe if I had seen myself as a hero, I'd want to keep seeking that out too  !

Pennyplant

[seasons]

((Hops)) Wow, you give so much. Sending you much strength, health and much needed rest. seasons

[Hopalong]

Hi CB,
You got it. Mom's too "special" to do daycare with other old folks. And what a shame. If she'd been going to senior programs a few times a week for the last decade, she'd have warm friendships (if such an Nish person can) that would be comforting in this last chapter. But as it is, she is very very lucky (as am I) that her morning companion is an absolute joy. This dear woman has humored and coaxed and befriended and tended her with great patience, humor and compassion, and I can't thank her enough. Without her, Mom's isolation would be complete. She spends mornings with her companion and naps much of the afternoon. I get her meal the minute I get home around 6:30 pm, then I put out her pills and retreat upstairs. So far, she can undress herself and get to bed, etc. I do not know what i'll do when she no longer can, because I really can't do that for her because of my back.

One day at a time.

What's more, now Mom is actually too weak to go out much. I took her for a ride tonight, she enjoyed that. (I was taking some papers to her gentleman friend, who's going blind...I'm going to help him get one of those video reading aid machines for people with low vision.)

Seasons, thanks for the hug. I don't do that much. And I'm not responsible in my own paperwork life!

That would be a NYRes except I don't make them (set myself up for guilt). But if I DID make them, it would be to make peace with the idea of taking care of myself. In the sense that tending to my paperwork regularly would be a stress REDUCER, instead of the phobic anxiety marathon I turn it into.

I notice that on a workday, I can get up very early at times and do some of it. I think the reason is that I know I'll be leaving the house and filling responsibilities that I enjoy at work...so I can put in a short spurt of "taking care of my business" at home. But when the weekend looms, I go limp. It's stupid.

love,
Hops