Pregnancy, babies and Narcissistic mothers

[spyralle]

Hi All.

Just thought I'd share the latest response from my N mum...  I just found out my daughter is pregnant a few weeks ago.  She is 21 and it is really not what I would have wished for her, but she is very happy despite the fact that she has not really thought it through..  I will be there to support her when she needs me and will try to do my best to make it a little easier without interfering.

You see I was pregnant when I was 21 too..  N mum had me married within six weeks to a man who went on to hit me sleep with all my friends blah blah you know the story.  Every thing I did with my baby she used to look at me askance.  Eg.  Why was I not potty training her from birth.  Everyone knew that if you held a new born baby over the potty every so often they would realise what it was for!!!!  Why was I not calling her Hayley.  N mum loved the name Hayley...  She then started calling my daughter Hayley for a day.  I could go on forever on that one

But I guess the point I am trying to get to is when I told her that my daughter is pregnant. 

Nmum...  Well I didn't expect anything else
Me.......   What do you mean
Nmum..... Well it is clearly the environment she has grown up in..
Me.......... But I was pregnant at 21 mum.  So it must have been the environment I grew up in
Nmum.............................................Sharp intake of breath..................................................
Nmum......You.........are different........!!!!!!!...It was in your genes!!!

I give up!!!

Spyralle x

[Stormchild]

Good one, Spyralle. Keep coming back with rational responses when she pulls this stuff.

That will keep you on solid ground and make it obvious who has the problem.... that's not for the N's sake, it's for yours, they are masters of confusion and bafflement.

Best of luck to you and your daughter and the new baby.

[axa]

Spyrelle,

Well, good to see that she is true to form!!!!!!!!!!!! You sound very clear and loving to your daughter, wish I had a Mother like that.  As for your mother............well, once I read where there is confusion there is always abuse.

xx

axa

[Bones]

I'm also wondering if she's trying to control her own hissy-fit at the prospect of being called "Great-Grandma".  I've encountered some N's who flat out REFUSE to be called "Grandmother" by their own grandchildren because they think it "tarnishes their young image".  (GIMME A BREAK!   )  Talk about looking a "gift horse in the mouth" given that children are precious gifts on loan to us, never a possession to be used and abused on a selfish whim.  I still wish my own late Nmother got that message that I tried to tell her several times before she died.

Bones

[Stormchild]

Oh, that 'image' thing.

Is that the Ns' favorite word, or what?

[spyralle]

Well there is more to this than meets the eye I think.  My nmum has never been able to control my daughter who simply does not like her!!

From an early age she was always trying to get in the middle of me and my daughter and if we ever had an argument when she was around she would look positively smug about it.  When my partner died my daughter was in Spain (where my nmum lives)... K..my daughter says that my nmum paraded her in floods of tears around the neighbours houses..  To create maximum drama I guess.

As K grew up my nmum would look at her wistfully and ask where her lovely baby girl had gone.  Like she wasn't up to scratch any more.  I knew that feeling well of being a disappointment.  K didn't have to put up with it though.  This was not her mother.  My nmum hated that and now takes every opportunity to try and make me believe that my daughter has a dark side.  On Christmas day we rang her in Spain.  Katie had not spoken to her in months and of course she got all my nmum's woefullness about the baby situation.  Then nmum told K a story about how she had hung a nude picture in her bathroom (Is this sounding crazy enough yet???)  When I got back on the phone nmum said.  Right,  Now you ask K about the story I just told her and let's see how much she retained!!! 

I don't think she has even asked how K is doing...

Axa you mentioned confusion and abuse.  It was always that double bind stuff with my mother...  Put me down then tell me that no one could love me more than she did.  Tell me I was the "lowest of the low" then do big public shows of affection.  She told me sex was a sin and women were dirty receivers for men....!!!  then she would wear see through stuff and flirt with the insurance man the windowcleaner etc......  I had no clue then and not much more now...  I don't even know what I like..

Spyralle x

[Hopalong]

Oh Spy,
It sure feels as though you know what you don't like.

I don't like your mother either. Igggggghhhhhh.

I do like Katie's spunk, which I bet she inherited from you. (Only a spunky woman would give that priceless response you did: oh, must've been the environment I grew up in...) BRAVO. 

I hope you'll just dig in and recognize that you have got a spunky daughter who is eager to love her own child and who clearly considers you part of their lives. I hope this is a chance for you to just take pure simple JOY in being a grandmother and put YOURSELF and KATIE and THE BABY above NMum.

Always and forevermore. Don't let her in. Don't let her in to manipulate and tarnish and ruin the joy.

She's had her turn. And she BLEW it.

I think you can find great happiness as a grandmother, because you'll be a wonderful one.

As to knowing what you like? If you couldn't find out before, now it is your time to go exploring.
Exploring life, and yourself. You can do it. Even if you're not sure what you'll find, there's a very interesting woman in there.

Hugs,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Spyralle,
Some of my pregnancy/baby stories...

I went out without my wedding band on while pregnant. My mother complained that people would think I was an unwed mother.

She constantly told me how she only gained 11 pounds while pregnant (she also smoked and drank).

My son would have tantrums from time to time. She thought I should "take him to a doctor to see what was wrong with him."

She wanted him to call my dad "Pap-pap." It made me shudder as I know she wanted it after her abusive grandfather. I didn't say anything, bit my tongue. My father also bit his tongue and I could see him cringe. Fortunately, my son never did pick up the habit.

Those are just some I can remember which really annoyed me. Just ignore her and her nastiness if possible. I know it must already be tough to help your daughter start planning her future and what is best now that she will have a little one. The baby is lucky to have a mother who is pleased to have him and a grandmother who will also adore him.

Lots of love,
beth

[CB123]

edit

[Hopalong]

GAG?

 

Ohh thank you, CB.

There is nothing more healing than the alternate fantasy...
if only I had taught my D to call her Gaggy.
(My D loves wordplay...)

Hops

[axa]

spyralle,

"Put me down and then have a show of public affection".....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh XN XN.  Stick the knife in then walk down the street with his arm around me, holding onto me as if I was the most precious thing in his life.  God they make me sick.  At least she lives in Spain so you don't have to engage with her in person too often.......... count your blessings!!!.  Well done Katie.

Axa

[Bones]

Hee hee 

Beth, your story made me think of one about my mom.

She wanted a flashier name from her grandkids than Grandma, so she tried to teach my daughter to say "Grandy".  She thought it would be cute (does have a bit of a narcissistic ring:  GRAND-y).

Anyway, she tried and tried, but my daughter's version of Grandy was GAG.  A few days of being called GAG and we went back to Grandma. 

CB

    Out of the mouths of babes!!!   

[spyralle]

Ha ha ha ha ha.....  GAG!!!!!!!  That was very funny CB..  My Mother would be HORRIFIED at that!!!

Aw Hops.... Thanks for that.  I hope I can be interesting.  Gonna try and have a new years resolution to do stuff for me and not stuff that other people like...  Be weird though cos I haven't got the faintest what'll make me happy.  I always thought it would be a man, but they have just caused me nothing but pain and despair and I cannot let my self esteem get gound into the dirt any more..

Axa...  me too... I hate that massively (Hey look at me I have found something I clearly hate!!)  Leaves you so confused that yo don't know which way is up..

Oh Beth your mother sounds just like mine....  You went without a wedding band... I went out without a wonderbra on...  My mother was horrified and said she didn't want people to know she had a flat chested daughter!!!!!!!!!  The shame......!!!!!  She didn't speak to me for a year afterward..

Spyralle x

[gratitude28]

Oh Spyralle, I can't have a flat chested friend. I am sorry. Ha ha ha ha Unbelievable!!!! Mine used to chase me around the house trying to get me to put on lipstick. It was just a control thing. It was so assinine. She does it to my dad with his hair. No matter what he does, she goes over and fixes it. I think she just loves the negative reaction she gets from things like that.

GAG. HA HA HA . I laughed out loud. Truly. How wonderful. Amazing how fast they drop things when they don't go their way.

Thanks for the great stories!!!!

Love, Beth

[spyralle]

How funny Beth,

Mine chased me round her house with a blusher brush just a few weeks ago!!!!!  She was insisting that blusher would change my life...  Would I be the perfect daughter in blusher and a wonderbra do you think??

Spyralle x