Nasty People ...

[Leah]

" Nasty People " by Jay Carter

Book Description

Fourteen years since its first publication, the bestseller Nasty People has been revised and updated to cover the motivations of nasty people, how to avoid confrontation with a nasty boss, how to handle a nasty spouse, and much more, including:

How to break the cycle of nastiness
A new understanding of personality disorders and depression
Narcissism, nasty behavior, and self-doubt
Nasty people and self-validation
The role adrenaline plays in nasty behavior and our responses to it.

Everyone knows a person who has been hurt, betrayed, or degraded by nasty individuals or has experienced it themselves. In three books, Jay Carter, Psy. D., shows readers how to stop this cycle of overt and covert abuse, without resorting to nasty tactics.

Now for the first time, this series is released together to cover all areas of dealing with difficult people. With straight-talking advice, real-life anecdotes, and psychology that makes sense, Carter explains how to handle and stop painful behavior that harms both the perpetrator and the victim.



From the Back Cover

Surefire methods to neutralize the nasty people in your life

Have you been hurt, betrayed, or degraded by a nasty person? Perhaps it's your boss, your parent, or your spouse. Whoever it is, he or she is an invalidator who feeds on your self-esteem, mental anguish, and unhappiness. But you can stop this cycle of abuse and put an end to sneak attacks on your soul--without resorting to nasty tactics.

In this updated bestselling guide to staying sane while dealing with difficult people, Jay Carter, Psy.D., calls upon decades of practice and observation to offer proven strategies for avoiding toxic relationships.

With straight-talking advice, real-life anecdotes, and psychology that makes sense, Dr. Carter gives you the surefire tricks and techniques you need to:

Identify the Invalidators in your life
Protect your sanity
Use humor to get out of the blame game
Conquer Self-doubt
Stop Invalidating yourself
Confront emotional bullies
See the bigger picture
Reclaim the captain's seat of your soul



A Review:  "After reading this book, I think I've experienced my share of invalidators, both those I've worked for, and subordinates (who attempt to use the invalidation techniques described in the book to subtly manipulate). And in retrospect, I've probably been guilty of some of the invalidation techniques described in the book.

Just as Carter states in the book that some people have personality disorders, and some people are criminals AND have personality disorders (i.e. the former doesn't excuse the latter), he also makes the distinction of those who unintentionally slip into invalidation behavior, and those who are hardcore ........ guilt-free INVALIDATORS.

BOTTOMLINE: I'd highly recommend this book to anyone trying to understand others, whether for leadership or just to improve personal relations."


"This matter-of-fact book describes the invalidation process (i.e. invalidators) including causes ( p. 79: "Usually people are mean for one of three reasons: 1. To get their way, 2. Because someone was nasty to them, 3. Because they don't feel good about themselves, p. 80: "Invalidators usually look big but feel small, & p. 81: "If someone is invalidating you, he or she has probably been invalidated in the past"), reasons it is self-defeating, p. 81: "Invalidation works in the short run, not in the long run. You can win a lot of battles but lose the war"), & coping methods ("confronting, repeat that please, tell the whole truth, mirror the projection"). The challenge is to not catch the contagion since p. 60: "You cannot lose touch with your own conscience without losing touch with others, because your conscience is the bridge that connects you to others." It relates logic and feeling with some pithy observations: p. 78: "You can always tell the truth by looking at your feelings: `I feel embarrassed,' `I feel angry that you said it that way,' `I feel put on the spot.' No one can argue with the way you feel, because (right or wrong) it is the way you feel."

I found Chapter 4, "What do we do about it?" most helpful. An insightful & useful example is: p. 78: "MIRROR THE PROJECTION: When someone accuses you of something you didn't do, check to see if he or she has done it."


41 reviews on http://www.amazon.com/Nasty-People-Jay-Carter/dp/0071410228


Has anyone read this book?

Honestly, one comes across so many people in ones walk in life, who are so mean/nasty !!

Spyralle's thread "Brutal realizations"  rang bells. and brought back unpleasant painful memories, so I googled 'nasty people'

Coincidently, I have been thinking about this subject quite a lot recently, and my thoughts were ..... surely, not everyone can be an N ???

The phrase Guilt-Free Invalidators ...... YES!!  Validation and Realization.

They leave you hurt and broken.

Anyone read this book?

Thanks.

Leah xx

[Stormchild]

Hi Leah

I've read it, and it's superb. He knows that not everyone means to be nasty... but he also knows that there are indeed some people who do.

Thank you for the money quote. This gem should be carved in granite over the entrance to every home, every workplace, every church, every social club, everyplace where people encounter people:

When someone accuses you of something you didn't do, check to see if he or she has done it.

I'd add one qualifier. The person making the accusations must be excessively emotionally invested in them, and even more invested in publicising them.

It can't be a quiet expression of suspicion from a friend who approaches you privately and says, "look, is this a good time to discuss something kind of heavy? I feel like a fool asking you about this, but things just aren't sitting right, something feels funny, and I have to ask..."

It can't be a tearful accusation from a spouse who is sitting there with the credit card bills for the lingerie SHE never received at Christmas...

It would be something like the Head Teacher accusing a new [and young, and attractive, and very bright] teacher's aide of filching the petty cash... at the top of her lungs, at the head table, at a fundraising dinner for the school's scholarship programme, with all the school adminstrators and all the trustees right there. Having never said a word about it before.

It would be something like a wife hurling both dishes and accusations of infidelity at her husband in the middle of their nephew's Bar Mitzvah banquet. Out of nowhere. With his boss, and his frail old parents, and their rabbi, and their banker, and the family doctor all present and accounted for.

The kind of scene where it's only too apparent that there's a payoff - if you take ten seconds to look beneath the surface. And the payoff isn't about discovering the truth and repairing the relationship - it's about damaging your reputation, in front of as many people and with as much 'Sturm und Drang' as possible.

In my experience, when those conditions appear to be met, and the Orange Oracle is consulted...

When someone accuses you of something you didn't do, check to see if he or she has done it.

the answer has almost always been YES.

and on those occasions when the answer has been NO, there's been a good reason for that.

They haven't gotten around to doing it yet, but they're seriously thinking about it, so they're doing a little pre-emptive poisoning of the well, to set you up ahead of time.

It really is a superb book. I recommend it without reservation.

Edit in: oopsie. You might want to tweak your subject line a little? This might otherwise attract some posts about the other kind of 'nasty'...?

[Leah]

Edit in: oopsie. You might want to tweak your subject line a little? This might otherwise attract some posts about the other kind of 'nasty'...?

Thanks ever so much for pointing that out Stormchild

have changed it to the book title (which should be ok .... I think?!)

And

Thank you ((( Stormchild )))  and  ((( Besee ))) for your posts

how I wish I had had this book years ago, so much pain and heartache.

Tears flowing right now, and, whilst I want to share, I really must retire to bed now.  But tomorrow I will post and share 'what, why and how' this has spoke to me, in a big way.

Again, "Thank you"

Leah xx


When someone accuses you of something you didn't do, check to see if he or she has done it.

[spyralle]

Now I'm desperate to know what the original title of the post was.....

Thanks for the info about the book Leah..  It is very very timely for me x

Spyralle xxx

[Leah]

Oh the title was nasty book .... which could have been misconstrued by spammers & co.

Leah xx

[spyralle]

Ha Ha it cetainly could xxxxx

[reallyME]

Wow, I have to get this book...I've read a LOT of other ones that were really good and helpful too.

I have a couple comments:

I think it was Stormchild who wrote:

I felt so confused because I had been doing cognitive therapy where I look at situation and then see that it is my thoughts and interpretations that cause my feelings, but what he describes is how I felt even though there was no conscious thought on my part of interpretting.  How can I feel bad if I don't ascribe a thought interpretation?  but I did.

You asked about how you could feel bad...my answer to that, is that even people who are the "crazymakers" "narcissists"  "borderlines" have subconscious feelings too, but they have learned to STUFF them down for years!  It only takes about 31 days to form any habit, science has proven.  If we remember that people who have been abused or even the abusers themselves, have learned behaviors that enabled them to not KNOW what their feelings were from, it all makes sense.

Now, I am not labeling you here...just explaining why, though you can't ascribe a thought interpretation, you can still feel feelings about something.  You have learned to STUFF things rather than allow yourself to acknowledge the "WHY" of your feelings, reactions or desire to react.

As far as N's blaming you for something THEY themselves have done...they have a way of looking at themselves as BETTER THAN pretty much everyone, but it's a MASK.  Deep inside they feel deeply inadequate.  They actually work AGAINST themselves by driving people away who truly love them, because they tell themselves that they are sooooooooo much ABOVE the other person, that, if that other person begins to act in ways that THE N does not approve of, they are attacking the N and deserve to be punished.  Hope any of this makes sense to you.

They are unable to truly accept blame.  They will not only put it off on you, but, if they do show guilt or remorse, it's all an act so that they maintain their stature of "good person" with others...it's a sort of DUPING process.  If an N says they are sorry, it's "I'm sorry...I got caught...can't have anyone looking down on me, cause I MUST remain looking PERFECT at all times...so I'm sorry that you felt I hurt you or I'm sorry but I'm really GLAD you suffered, you deserve it for being "bad" or I'm sorry, but how COULD you blame me..."  IRRATIONAL THINKING such as that.  But never I AM SORRY FOR HURTING YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW HOW BAD THAT FELT.  I WILL TRY NOT TO DO THAT AGAIN.

Just some thoughts

~Laura