please help me

[sea storm]

I am having a very hard day. I keep saying to myself ,

-I can't believe he has bilked me out of thirty thousand dollars over the past three years and I still have to make the bank payments and now I have to pay him fifty thousand to get him off the mortgage.
-When he made money he put it into his mutual funds and I didn't know
-I was making double mortgage payments for four years  and trying to be frugal while he rarely worked
- He went to China and paid for his son to go to with my money.
- He carried on with his email romance while I was making double payments and paying for his airplane, sailboat, fishboat and truck payment and food and mortgage
- I cant believe he laughed and told the police I was a violent woman with a psychiatric past
-I can't believe that he has no insight into the fact that it really hurt to find out about his affair.
= I cant believe that he has just switched off completely after 7 years and moved on to someone else
-Who is this monster??????? Who is this man who became paranoid and thought I would destroy his antiques?
-Who is this man who one day says he will love me until the day he dies and the next day goes to Calgary to stay for a month with his new girlfriend. THis was a total shock to me.
- Who was this man who has secret affairs with two women on the computer?
I am in shock, disbelief and horror over this.  I just can't stand the pain and the betrayal.
For months he told me I was insane. I cracked up under the strain. He was trying to destroy me.
I have to get a legal separation or he will get the house if something happens to me. Part of me wants to fight him and reveal him for the sadistic parasite that he really is and part of me says who cares about the money, just get out as far and as fast as possible.  Paying him out will nearly ruin me financially and I will have to put a suite in my house to help cover the mortgage.  I can't handle the stress of much more change.
There is pressure for me to go back to work but I cry a lot and get triggered. My whole life has been put through a blender.
If this were television I would move to new York and get a crazy roomate and write a play. Or move to the Shetland Islands and join the church choir and ..... but it is so much more complicated.
I am so afraid to move forward but I can't go back. Dear god this has been a very cruel twist of fate. I am getting ground up in the relentless gears of fate.
 I found out my ex was a shark and he would completely devour me if he could. It feels like he has murdered me.  At the end he did such cruel and sadistic things.

I phoned him to tell him that I couldn't get the money to him or pay for the lawyer and he said he was in the car with his girlfrend. He didn't have time for an agony call.  It probably was an agony call. But I felt so ashamed and humiliated that he would talk to me in front of another woman like that.  I asked him when he COULD talk and he said 8 o'clock. He didn't call back ever again.
I still wear his projections. I still can hear him say what a sick person I am.
I need so much support just to keep my head above water. There are better days but this one is so painful .

Sea storm

[CB123]

Seastorm,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.  You don't deserve what has happened to you. It is horrifying to think that there are actually people in the world who would do what he has done to you.

It is the very wee hours of the morning where I am.  I dont know if you are even in the US--but if it is the middle of the night where you are, it is a horrible time to be thinking all these thoughts and all alone.  Please know that there is someone else (me!) that is up in the night with you.  If it is full daylight, I hope you will go outside for a few minutes and put your face up to the sun or the rain and let it wash over you. 

I just think that you need to contact a lawyer as soon as possible.  There is no way that you could know all the legal remedies that might be available to you.  And with your current state of anguish, there may be some wiser choices that you have not thought of, other than to ruin yourself with debilitating payments.  I'm sure an attorney, or financial advisor, could give you some advice. 

And, surely, if you could not benefit from a therapist right now, none of us can.  Perhaps you feel that you cant spare the money for that, but I wonder if having a therapist to help sort this out might not make you more able to handle the financial decisions you have looming.  Maybe you would even save money in the long run because you were able to sort through your emotions and make better decisions.  At the very least, a support group--even an Al Anon group--might help give you the constant support you need right now.

You know that we will always be hear to listen to your pain.  We have all been there--I have had my share of tears this week over the betrayal of my own life.  We will make it though this.  Many, many women have and we can only move forward and we will end up in a better place.  Over and over, I am thankful that--even though I am in a MUCH worse place financially--I am free of the person who would love me so little that he would put me here. 

Many, many blessings, sea storm.  I can't give you anything but my support and understanding, but I do give you that--completely.

CB

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((sea))))))))))))))))))

I guess the one good thing I can say is that you know where everything stands now and it is better to be on the outside looking in, don't you think?????? Also, I think I've said this before, but more than being mad at him, I think you might be mad at yourself. Because you let this happen in a way, wanting the fantasy instead of the reality. And by that I am not being mean in any way. It's just hard to accept sometimes that you made a bad judgment (sp), especially in love, where it hurts the most. Also remember that he is slick and managed to pull the wool over your eyes.

Sea, you can only move forward... and you are doing that. You do need a lawyer and you should tell your story. I think he will be legally liable for money, especially if he was cheating. I haven't been through it, but I know you can get help with this. And I would not talk to him except througha  lawyer.

Lots of love,
Beth

[pennyplant]

Sea storm, I'm so sorry he tricked you.  Everything about this is unfair.  These types know how to trick someone and that is what he did.  He took advantage of your trust and the fact that you would never treat someone like this, not even someone you hated.  That is why you didn't see it coming.  You are a normal person with the normal capacity to love and would never do something like this to anyone, so no wonder you never thought a person who loved you would do such things.  There would be no reason to suspect such things because you are not that type of person and would have no knowledge of such things and how they are even done.

((((((((((Sea storm)))))))))))))))

It would be very wise to get someone on your side, lawyer, therapist and any friend you can trust.  Please keep putting your feelings here as you need to.  See how there are other people who understand?  You are not so alone as it may feel right now.  And others are learning from your experience, including me.  So, you can help others even in your pain.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Sea, what a storm, I am so very sorry.
Everyone has said it all so this is just an echo.

LAWYER. LAWYER. LAWYER.
LAWYER THIS WEEK.

Hon, the thing about lawyers is, they fight FOR you when you're so drained it's hard to fight for yourself. (But I promise you, when your anger kicks in, it will replace the hurt and give you energy).

He is a pathetic person. A liar. His accusations and character attacks on you are the mark of his smallness. Of course he'd like to humiliate you in front of a woman!

He only stops humiliating you when you stop caring what others think and start caring what YOU think.

What do you think of him???

It's a terrible shock, what you've been through. Like having your heart fileted with a chainsaw.
And it has absolutely nothing to do with deserving it.
It happened the way tornadoes happen and now you find out about insurance.

LAWYER. LAWYER. LAWYER NOW.

lots of love,
Hops

[Stormchild]

Forensic accountant - forensic accountant - forensic accountant - forensic accountant - forensic accountant

ask Brigid, one worked wonders for her, and it would help a lot for you to feel more powerful, too!

((((((((((Sea storm))))))))))

[seasons]

(((sea)))

I hear your raw pain, I am so sorry you are going through such an evil betrayal. We are here always for you. You are loving, strong person who will get through this...one step at a time..with help and love.

Every word above (posts with help) are expressed with such thought and compassion and most of all HOPE for you.

Much love and strength, seasons

[axa]

Sea,

I am so so sorry.  I feel so angry reading your post.  I agree with everyone lawyer, forensic account, therapist............ get someone else to do the fighting for you.  You need your energy to recover from this dreadful abuse.  Thank God he is gone from you.  Thank God you  have an opportunity now (though I am sure this is hard to see at the moment)  to start a new life. 

I think many of us here find it so difficult to belive that people can be evil and abusive but they can.  This is a reality that I need to deal with also.  We are so open and trusting and have not learned how to protect ourselves from Ns.  Please please be gentle with yourself.  Your wounds are open and raw.

Thinking of you so much,

axa

[Gaining Strength]

Seastorm

"I am so afraid to move forward but I can't go back. Dear god this has been a very cruel twist of fate. I am getting ground up in the relentless gears of fate."

You will not go back.  You will move forward and it will take you into tranquil waters.  You cannot see the calm in the midst of the storm but it is there.  Rest.  You are not strong enough to fight.  Your strength will come in time and you will rebuild but now you must survive and survival just calls for peace and calm.

When the storms subsides the light of dawn will let you know that it is time to get up and rebuild your strength but now rest still until the storm is past.

Those of us here will hold you up while you rest.  We will feed you sustenance and encouragement until the strength is your own.  Til then - rest.

your friend - Gaining Strength

[moonlight52]

((((((((((((((((((SEA))))))))))))))))

[mudpuppy]

Hi seastorm,

Do you need a lawyer and a therapist and a forensic accountant? No doubt.

But what you need most is time.
You know that instant right after you really slit your hand open in the kitchen with a butcher knife and you see its a bad one but you're in shock and you can't feel anything yet? You're past that point. You're now well into the part where it really starts hurting and you're just trying to figure out what to do next, besides blame yourself for being careless. But you're also entering the phase where you start to take care of it and the healing begins. After some time is passed you'll just have a scar to remind yourself of the wound. The problem is getting from the instant after the cut to the scar. When the blood is still flowing we can't even think forward to the time it will just be a memory. But time will heal it and when it does you'll be OK.
He won't be but you will.

mud

[Gaining Strength]

mudpuppy - what a remarkable post!  It is very touching. - GS

[seastorm]

Thank you all who wrote so beautifully and let me know that you care how I feel. That is so important to me and helps me keep going. I am better off looking in and being on the outside and it is irreparable now. It is worse that having your house burned down or some material think like that.
I am better than I was at first and i try to cauterize the wound but it breaks lose and can't be stopped.
I have  a lawyer and I think he is good. I just really screwed myself by going 50-50 with ex on the house even though I put 4 times as much on the downpayment.  The law is clear on this.
I have a therapist that i see once every week or so. I have another person I see who does hypnotherapy. So I am doing the support thing ok.
I still feel very connected to my ex. I still love the part I believed was good. He is behaviing very callously and cruelly and that is helping me cut the ties.
I absolutely think that this site and you all have saved my life. Without a doubt.
Little by little I stop taking his behaviour personally but that is a MAJOR hurdle for me. I am now very well read on Narcissism and Paranoid Narcissism and I get it intellectually but I still feel blindsided. Also angry at being set back so far financially when I am at an age where I wont catch up.
It is a wonder that I am not phoning him and begging him and saying it isn't as bad as I think it is. IS IT??"?? but I know he would lie and lie.
There is a very real syndrome that I am experiencing --- Grief and loss and also having been betrayed and robbed.  I guess it is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't want this to ruin me for life but I cannot image surviving this and being able to work and function again. I feel like I have many mountains to climb before that and no strength left.
Sound Pitiful??? Well that is the reality. It really was hell and I cant just put on a happy face.

Thanks for listening.
Love Seastorm

[Hopalong]

Sea...

When you are in the rapids and get tossed from your canoe, you bounce off rocks and slip toward the bottom, and then your feet grope through the murk and connect with the earth....the earth that is still there even at the bottom of a raging river, and your feet take care of what your exhausted brain and arms and lungs can't...

They push.

It's over, but you're not.

(This is true even if you don't know how to believe it right now.
Don't worry about believing it. Just put one foot in front of another.
Breathe, move, keep going.)

Write it down. Or print out your posts. Put them in a notebook.
Keep posting.

You are not your money or your lack of it.

A thief steals his own character.

Hops

PS--Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. Good one. Ask around.

[CB123]

Seastorm,

You dont have to put on a happy face .  You have been a wonderful support to others on this board.  Now it is your turn to be supported. 

You are seeing things exactly right.  You have been treated very badly.  It's not coming a good age to bounce back. (I understand--the same thing is happening to me.)  You are dealing with reality and it isnt pretty.

But you arent really able to see all the unexpected things that may come along to change the equation.  I like Hops analogy--at this point, you have to just keep breathing and take care of the next thing.  I am so glad that you have your support system in place.  That's one thing that you can just "keep breathing" about. 

I think PTSD is not a bad diagnosis.  I think a lot of us have/are suffering from those symptoms.  It feels like random electrical shocks to your emotions.  Mine feel almost raw with them. 

No mountains yet....  Right now just pull yourself over the crag you're on.  No happy faces required.
CB