Crashed

[axa]

Seastorm,

it is so unjust.  I have such a sense of your confusion  and hurt.  I think naming his sick behaviours here is so good.  Get them out there.  What is so strange is how so many of us here can relate to your experience.  To get a sense of how cold they are sometimes it is good to think of them as a machine.  This is how I think of XN - a computer with a very limited programme.  The language you use of feelings they do not understand UNLESS it is about their pain.  I am convinced they do not change. 

He may be "happy" right now but do you honestly believe he will change.  The woman he is with at the moment is being overvalued while you are being devalued, her time will come.  The women in his life are NOTHING to him other than a source of ego massage....... nothing more.  They are dispensible objects, as you were, if anything "better"comes along he will be gone like the wind.

He must be so charming.  XN once said to me his life was all smoke and mirrors.  This is true.  Once I caught him out in a BIG LIE and he told me he was so relieved.  And the conversation which followed was about his sense of relief and how glad he was that everything (NOT) was out on the table.  No compassion for my hurt or what it did to me.  He got the spotlight again, even though it was in a negative way.

Hang on in there seastorm,  Thinking of you.

axa

[CB123]

"She is a rich businesswoman with lots more money than me."

WELL! Sure she does, Sea.  You've used up all your money on the fishing boats and the fixer upper!  Yikes!  What a creep!

I know that you are really hurting because you imagine them being together and being so happy.  From where I sit, it looks like he's probably happy because he has found a new "mark".  It looks like he went fishing for this one and came up with a whopper.  It doesnt look like romance at all.  He's playing her--and no matter how romantic it LOOKS, he's not in it for the romance.

Imagine you were writing a Harlequin romance.  Cast him in the role of the gold-digger woman.  Can't you just see him (her) in your mind's eye?  A complete cliche.  You know how the story is going to end before it starts.

Hang in there, Sea.  We're here for you.  I'm so glad you have people around you who can hold you while you cry.  You're going to be okay.  Just give yourself time.

CB

[Hopalong]

Keep those waves coming here, Sea.
I am so glad you are getting it out.

I think you are reacting like a sane person.
Having powerful pain is appropriate in response to crashing into his "reality" at 40 MPH.

Don't forget that this glamorous creature was trolling for him and threw out a hook ("I've been looking for you for 15 years"--give me a break). It will now be her karma to discover she has a very large shark in her boat. It will take her a while, perhaps years. She is still entranced by the double rows of teeth.

Bleggghh. The day you know you are past the worst of it is the day you know you are actually not missing anything but an illusion.

You are going to to heal, Sea. Being hurt is okay, being changed is okay. These feelings are all motion.

What will be wonderful will be the conversation you have with yourself as you become curious about yourself. You, who have been neglected for so long. You're still there.

hugs,
Hops

[seastorm]

Dear friends
Thank you for being with me through this. I went through hell for a few days. I would have gone to the hospital psych ward if it wasn't for my sister. I sobbed and cried and was in some terrible dark hole. Memories of my mother's vanity and cruelty are mixed up with N.
Too many things happened and I was overwhelmed. Lawyer, emails from N, phone call from N, financial worries, work looming again.

I am coming out of it with support. Something has changed. i feel hope about the future. I can imagine making a life for myself. I just couldn't see it before. I don't want to see him, hear him, feel him. I never want to be in contact again in this life. He is dangerous to me.
This is so good. I am moving on. I might fall back again but it won't be as bad.

I see a therapist and she is top notch. I see a parade of Ns that have been in my life as I have tried to make sense of my childhood and my mothers self absorption and cruelty. I see that I have tried to be grand in my own way. Just being myself was not enough so I wore myself out trying to be Super Me.  It all came crumbling down.

I am so grateful for peace today. To pat the great big bladk cat I love and to be able to concentrate and read. Today I believe I am going to make it. I am relieved that he isn't here to criticize me and I dont have to wait on him. I am sick of all that. He said that his friends were going to pick up his stuff in the yard (several boats, fish nets, trailers etc) on the 8th.  I came back today and of course they are still there. i am tired of being disappointed by him.  It is good to know that there will be an end to it. I don't have to flip out in frustration at his continual lies and bullshit. I can have firm ground under my feet instead of the constant shifting ground that was life with N.

With gratitude and love,
Seastorm

[CB123]

Sea,

It was so good to wake up this morning and read how well you are doing.  What a dark night of the soul you have been through!  And you have come out safely on the other side.

I am so glad you have your sister.  It felt as though there was a lack in what we could do for you, being so far away.  It's wonderful that you have her to hold you while you cry.  I think that did you so much good. 

Hang in there--you will hit glitches in the road again, but you have weathered the big one and you will weather them as well.  Now you have a picture of where you are going and the peace that is to be found there.  And your big black cat (I have one of those and they are worth a whole bottle of antidepressants!    )

Love,
CB

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((sea))))))))))))))

You are coming along so well.

You know, this rich business woman will eventually burp and fart in front of him. Besides, we always have a more glamorous idea of the other person than what they actually are... Comparisons are silly, even, because what he wants is newness and fun, not love and respect. I hope she is not a nice person, because I would hate to see another kind person get taken in...

So glad you have your sister and you have crawled out of the dark spot.

Sending love...
Beth

[Hopalong]

Sea....

Ummm, isn't there any way we could haul the boats and trailers away? Or have someone take them somewhere?

(I'm sure that's impractical. Just a pleasant thought.)

So impressed with you for hanging on and riding it through.

You've hit bottom and pushed off, and even if you ache all over from the buffeting, you are truly on your way back to the surface. Thanks to your bravery.

Hops

[seastorm]

Thank you for all your replies. They mean so much to me and have helped me through this hell I have been going through.
I have thought of removing the trailers myself. This is a possibility. If they are there much longer I think i will sell them. Then someone can haul them off. They are rusty and not worth much but I don't have a truck to dispose of them.

I realized that I had internalize the Ns voice and was thrashing myself with horrible recriminations and guilt. So that wild monkey the mind is now under tighter control. No kidding, this is what I have to do. I say to myself, A"Even if N does not love me, I love and approve of myself". I say this and tap underneath my eye as i say it. Now, this may sound wacky but it is part of a Neurolinguistic approach and it is helping. I also say, " Even if I am lonely, I still love and approve of myself". I say it over and over.  I am sick of the N having dominion over my heart, mind and body.
The lawyer is busy writing up the separation agreement.
I had a dream that I sold the house for lots of money and so stopped worrying about fixing it up.
The house is in the most amazing place. It sits looking over a powerful river and there are bears and eagles and ravens and it is just teeming with life. However, a view ain't everything that is for sure.
Now I am left with myself. Somehow through the aweful pain of the last few days I severed some of the tendrils around my heart and soul. I feel more of myself. It feels really lonely but I can stand that.
How very important the support and love that comes from this site is.

Thanks  (what a small word for such a big feeling )
Love
Sea Storm

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((sea)))))))))))))))   

The way you are using affirmations is SO intelligent.
BRAVO.

Keep on here, dear, you make here "here"

Hops

[CB123]

ed

[seastorm]

Hopalong,
I'm glad you understood about the tapping and chanting. Bit of a stetch but it works. Wait a sec...... Even if N doesn't love me I still love and apprecitate myself.... Even if N doesn't......

Yup it helps.
Thanks for your kind words. You are the most eloquent and passionate writer and person. The good you have done is immense.

CB123,
Isn't it interesting to be given the gift of living in paradise. There are all sorts of expectations that one be happy and blissed out living there. It is just the opposite. Every day I would wake up and it wasn't enough to be in paradise. More like paradise lost.
I was very touched by what you said about your home. So much that I can barely think of what to say.
My partner wasn't interested in fixing up our place and so it is a shabby little jewel.
I remember another beautiful home on an island. We lived on the ocean and it was fantastic. Great panaramic view. I had a garden and a home and a child. But I had to go. That husband got into cocaine (using and dealing it).  I realized my child was my garden and my life was opening up to exploring my INNER landscape. I would miss the pristine beauty of my old home. I found living in the city to be overwhelmingly noisy and crass and weird. I felt like beached whale.
However, WONDER and CURIOSITY ( thanks to you Hops for this ) drove me on.  What a husk of a person I would have become living in isolation on that island.
Here I am again in a paradise and having to leave it. I could keep it if I made it way to much of my life ( sportsman's retreat, B and B)
You help me to remember this and not be too attached to a place.
Life is sure an adventure, eh, CB123. I'm from Canada and we say Eh?
Keep us posted. I really deeply appreciate your story and your struggle.

Love and hugs,
Sea storm

[isittoolate]

Hi all
Home

My goodness I have lived so many places and all of them (after 2 farms when growing up) were furnished rooms and apartments, always with the idea that they were transitory and one day I would have a HOME.

Finally, when my daughter was 8, I was able to buy a house. It was a 2 bedroom bungalow with a double garage, facing the lake and a park. It was accessible for me, no basement and the laundry rooom was on the one floor with the rest of the rooms. This was my HOME, with my daughter, for 14 years.

Then she met 'her' Narcissist and I lost her, to an extent, because of his control over her. (the divide and conquer part, eh?)  That is one man I hated, for sure, but I also hated that I could not stand up to him, that I could allow his mistreatment of me without saying a word, in case I totally lost my daughter, who supposedly loved him. I had asked her please wait to marry. They had known one another a few short months when they decided to marry.

I kept the house for another year but saw that it was too difficult without her there to help with the grass and windows, while I did the flower beds and cleaned the garage and car. I thought we were a good pair.

Then came more apartments , still feeling transitory, until this one now. A one bedrooom that is not modified, so I cannot close the bathroom door--- leaves it awkard when company might be here, so one of the reasons I don't want people coming. So with no one popping in, this is my home now, such as it is! and where I work and some days I don't make the bed or get dressed, as I have too much work to do and I feel comfortable.

Now, at 67, I expect the next place will be a retiremnet/assisted-living place .....................then an URN.

I am feeliing quite perky these days since I found this site.  Having friends who are strangers and who are senstive to my needs.

thanaks all
Izzy

oh yes!!

Since I asked my daughter to not marry so young, 19, and wait becases if it was love it would last, and she ended up living for 10 years in a marriage of hell with an N., would anyone think that the possibilty exists that she is 'angry' with me for being 'right' in the first place?

Something is preventing our communication--although I have often though it was me and my AvPD, my voicelessness, my hurt at her for siding with her N when he dismissed me in 1991--that's 23, or 15 years without her in my life-- 15 without my grandkids.

[pennyplant]

Izzy, It's hard to know why you and your daughter don't communicate.  Each of you has had traumatic experiences in life.  Perhaps each of you has too similar of needs.  Or maybe it's been so long she doesn't know what to say or how to approach you.  What would you say to her if she could hear you?

Pennyplant

[isittoolate]

Frankly penny

I don't know
I really don't know!!!!!

so sad. so sad!

Izzy

[Hopalong]

(me pretending to be Izzy)

Dear D,
It has been so many years. I would like so much to be in your life again, and have the chance to see you and my grandchildren. I do love you, I have always.

I'm writing to ask if you'd consider a fresh start. I would be glad to go to a few counseling sessions together if you'd like. Maybe that would help us put the past away and focus on the present.

I'm very eager to do that, D. Would you think about it?

Life is short and you and the children are the most important people in my life. I do not want to criticize or change you; I just want to have the blessing of knowing you, and loving you.
If we coulld have visits now and then, create a healthier relationship, forgive and be forgiven, that would be the most wonderful thing I could possibly imagine. Maybe we'd need a little help to get started, but I know we could do it.

Will you let me know?

Love,
Mom/Izzy