Classic N behaviour

[liberty]

Hi all,

Happy New Year and may 2007 bring renewed confidence and peace to everyone.

Since my letter to Nmom, describing my view of our relationship I have been receiving classic N behaviour. She has been calling my cousinns and mutual friends and crying (literally) that she is so hurt by my expression of my feelings and she has been asking them t call me and "talk to me". I have been responding to my concerned callers by pointing out that Nmom is perfectly capable of calling me to discuss our realtionship and the fact that she has not shows that she is not interested and she is therefore trying to use them in a triangular fashion by playing on their emotions.

She has also taken to call me in full "Ice Queen " mode gruffly asking to speak to my children or asking when they are coming to see her. Her calls include no pleasantries and sometimes not even a "hello" (Yes this is the same womain who is so hurt) She has told one of my cousins that she is so ashamed of the way that I am treating her that she can't even bring herslf to tell her sisters about what is happening.

At times when I am filled with anger about this behaviour and feel like sending a dagger through her heart (but then that would be wasting a perfectly good dagger!) , I think of this line that I found in: "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and I feel validation:

"Loving parents should want to find out about what they are unconciously doing to their children. If they simply avoid the subject and instead point to their parental love, then they are not really concerned about their children's well being but rather are painstakingly trying to keep a clear conscience"

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lib.

[Gaining Strength]

Didn't it help to find that description of your mother's behavior in the book on Borderline Mothers.  I find that kind of validation to be such a great help and relief.  So glad you found that.  For me, validation gives me a block to stand on, one step taller and one step higher on my climb towards healing.  Good for you liberty.

[gratitude28]

Hi Libby,
It's nice to see you are keeping your sense of humor in the midst of your mother's games. You gave such a clear example of the typical fun an N starts. Subtle and awful, eh??? I have been debating where to share my little Christmas Nmom story... this seems like just the thread.
I told you my Nmom never calls me. Well, a few days before Christmas, she calls and tells me she got me an awesome gift and should she send it to me or keep it at her house? Huh???? I go there once every three years or so... Obviously it was somewhat expensive, I gathered. So then she tells me how I will love it and she tried to get one like it but the guy didn't have one, etc. So I open it at Christmas and it is a very lovely silver and turquiose bracelet. I call them on Christmas day to do the holiday conversation and tell her I really like it and it is beautiful and she tells me how she tried to go back to see if he (the jeweler) could get her one. He couldn't as it was a one-of-a-kind piece.
So, I was so puzzled by this whole exchange... and then I put it together...
She was with my dad when they found the present for me. They both knew it would be nice for me. She couldn't bear giving it to me if she diodn't have one for herself. Even though she would wear it once and then stick it in a drawer soemwhere, she HAS to have one just like mine or she feels she will literally die.
I just can't believe how crazy they are. And that people don't see it.
Ahhhhh, Liberty, you always get my words flowing.
Love, Beth

[axa]

Liberty,

You sounds so clear and detached from the madness.  Well Done.  I agree it would be a waste of a perfectly good dagger!

axa

[liberty]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your support. It is indeed a very dificult and treacherous road escaping from the N. They are so persistent and unyielding.

I just can't believe how crazy they are. And that people don't see it.

Yes Beth that's seems to me to be the hardest part. People don't see how vicious and nasty N's are. They are usually shocked to hear. If you ask anyone who knows Nmom they will all say that we are so close and that she loves me so much. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Sometimes friends say to me that I should forgive and move on but I saw a quote somewhere that said: "You can't forgive a crime when it is still being committed."

I find that kind of validation to be such a great help and relief.

Gaining, you are so right about validation. Sometimes even my H does not seem to realize the depths of her deception. This makes it even harder for me.

You sounds so clear and detached from the madness.

Hi Axa, Thanks for your support. At times I don't feel clear. I feel blinded by rage and I get some really horrible thoughts in my head. I feel as though I am being pursued by an insane stalker that I can't get rid of. I really have some ups and downs.

lib

[Hopalong]

Hi Lib,
I can relate.
Great quote about the crime.

thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly.

Hops