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breaking the N chain

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Wildflower:
Hi Guest - It’s really very encouraging to hear that you were able to reach your family member and get him/her the help he/she needed.  I think that’s partly what I needed to hear – that there is hope and help out there.  Through a little internet research, I’ve found out about a clinic near her that offers a wide range of community mental health services, so hopefully she qualifies for some.  The church/Salvation Army idea is one that hadn’t occurred to me, so thanks.  I’ll pursue that avenue as well.  She has been resistant to therapy recently and she has a million excuses for not going (too expensive, she’s been in therapy before but it hasn’t worked, etc).  Now, however, I think she may be at rock bottom, or close to it, which is terrible to watch but perhaps it’ll be a good opportunity to get her turned around.

Oh, Rosencrantz. I know that vertigo well.  The last time I tried to pin my father down to facts was the first time I was able to witness his entire arsenal of counter-attacks, and boy was it scary.  But also a bit of a relief.  When he finally ran out of excuses and tacks and had to resort to claiming that my step-mother and I couldn’t understand because we weren’t men :roll: -  I just started to laugh and said that was enough.  I had to go.  Oy.  Now I leave the instant I feel that strange shift in reality.  Of course he begs me to stay and promises he’ll behave and then seconds later throws a tantrum because he knows I might not come back next time.  But at least by that point, I’m out the door.  Sometimes I wish I could take my step-mother with me, though.

I’m really trying to keep a balance between going forward with my life while helping my mother toward the light, and of course, she needs to find her own way out in order for it to be really meaningful.  But you may be right that, deep down, she might not want to feel that she’s making things any harder for me.  Something to think about.

Wildflower

rosencrantz:
Perhaps I should share that I was desperate for my mother to have help and support, too, but what I've learnt from the professionals and my own experience over the past few months is that

1.  I'm acting out of my own guilt (whose needs are these for her to 'have help' - mine!) and my desire not to have to take the massive burden I can see being created (I don't have to anyway - I am not responsible for my mother, she alone is responsible for herself).

2.  My mother can't help using the whole situation to manipulate others rather than improve her situation

3.  The more you 'do' for someone else, the more you 'de-skill' them.

4.  People are responsible for their own choices.

5.  You can take a horse to water, you can offer it champagne, you can offer it a choice of ten different sources of plain, organic rain, but if it's not ready, it won't drink.  

6.  Nobody does anything until THEY are ready.

7.  We make them feel more guilty and wretched by showing them that they could be better if they'd only 'try'.

8.  OUR solutions are not THEIR solutions.

9.  The more of their time you occupy with thinking about what WE want them to do, the less time they have to devote to working out what THEY will do.

10.  Can't think of any more :wink:

It would have been too easy for my mother to rebel against the help that was brought in via her doctor and social services if she hadn't taken the responsibility of asking for it.  

I really struggled with that one as I could see her sinking.  She had recriminated with me for years for one single action taken in the past to try to get help for her so that caused a lot of uncertainty - and do I really know what's best???  So-called 'help' can be just as damaging (One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest/Family Life etc).  By what right do I decide what's right for her???

I resolved the (my!) impasse by putting together a big folder with everything in it I could find that might be helpful for her.  I typed it up and put it all in a ring binder.  Not enough to overwhelm, but enough clearly sorted and labelled ("If you need X, phone here").  It took a long time to make it succinct enough!!! but it meant that whatever distress she was in, she'd be able to get who she needed when she needed it if she decided to use it and ask for help.  As far as I know she hasn't touched it - oh, once!  And she managed to make a catastrophe of it.  (See, she said!!).  

But who knows when it might come in useful and what need it maybe fulfils...I simply try to keep my own expectations out of the way  (But, surprisingly, I got huge kudos from Social Services who thought I was wonderful and could they use it for their own clients- what a turn up for the books!!!!!  Perish the thought that my own mother would say thank you!!)

As it turned out, my mother asked her GP to visit, he brought in a  psychiatric visiting nurse, I withdrew for a couple of days to lick my wounds, she threatened suicide and it all moved on from there.  She now has a support network.  The mistake I made 30 years ago was to hold her hand during a crucial five minute doctor's visit, and nobody else ever saw a need to stay involved (Your daughter's here so everything is alright then, isn't it!).  But that was a ten-ton destructive burden on me and you could say it wasted 30 years of HER life, too...

WE might not want to live our lives in 'that' way (whatever it is) but they have a right to live life in any way they choose.  I want sanity, precision, financial affairs to be organised properly, bills paid - but she wants chaos and confusion and to create it in every interaction she has with every shop assistant, bank manager, etc.  It's a 'doh' moment when you realise she has a perfect right to live life that way and to 'enjoy' the consequences.  It gives her a sense of control.  (Being 'organised' gives ME a sense of control but I don't have a right to impose my solutions on HER!)

I've 'gone on a bit', haven't I!!  Sorry this is such a long post.  I guess you can tell that I feel passionately about the dangers (primarily for 'us') of too much involvement in someone else's recovery.  It took me such a long time to work it out.

At the moment, you probably feel you are banging your head against a brick wall as far as your mother is concerned.  You know, when it begins to hurt, we do have permission to stop!   :wink:
R

Portia notloggedin:
Just catching up on my reading but had to stop to say: yes yes yes R! Very educational post above. The vital part about hand-holding was incredible. Such tiny actions = huge ramifications. Thanks for sharing all this...P

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